To go nc with Dsis over private school ?

[Maria1979]

For background: my older Dsis is a teacher (or was because she's working in another field now) and is against private schools. She has worked in ONE private school for three years and is an expert (according to herself) of how things are done in all schools whether private or not. She has got one DD who went in to the local secondary y7. My DS went in to private school y7 (they're the same age). Ever since she has not stopped with her comments on private schools. According to her they give out good grades because the parents are paying for it. The school we chose is not expensive compared to most and they have a waiting list and only take in children who are already "good students" just like grammar school so I told Dsis that maybe that's why the students got good grades. She would not hear about it. She keeps on praising her DD's school even though staff turnover is high and it's clear that my DS's school is better (pastoral, dedicated staff, well-mannered children etc). I don't tell her that, I just nod, smile and say I'm happy you're happy and leave it at that. She's not jealous; DStepM helped us out with the fees and said she would help Dsis too if she wanted it. Every single time we talk she has to put DS's school down. She has the decency to be subtle about it infront of DS but she still has to say something. I asked her to not be so negative about something she knows nothing about. My DS is highly sensitive and quite fragile and he would be a likely target for bullying in Dsis' DD's school. He is very happy about his school and I wish that she could just leave it.

I'm not exaggerating: every single time I see her she just has to make a snide remark. It's like she's mad at me for not making the same choices as she is. It's gotten to a point where I want to go nc with her because she always makes me so upset and I feel so defensive around her just waiting for her "remark of the day". So AIBU to go nc with her until she has accepted to stop putting down DS's school ?

She sounds intensely irritating but it is over the top to go NC. Low contact maybe. But also I support the suggestion to respond “boring” to every dig.

would love to go nc with my bil and sil. Sil is a teacher at a comp and she loathes it and works very part time because the environment is so awful; their daughter (dn) is the same age as dd and we are expected to nod and smile at how stupid we are to pay fees but at the same time agree that dn’s comp is brilliant because they have a language teacher (but you can’t choose which language - it’s allocated by computer. Bad luck if you have a family member who speaks or teaches the language you’re not allocated (as is the case here)). I would never dream of mentioning dd has the choice of five languages taught by specialist teachers as that would be crass - but they don’t think it’s crass to laugh at us for paying fees.

We studiously avoid EVER mentioning DD’s opportunities, have them laugh in our face about VAT being added to school fees and have to applaud every little thing dn’s school does which should be basic entry level of what a school should provide. We’re using inheritance to pay school fees - the same inheritance bil and sil have spent on holidays, cars and their house.

so I feel your pain but just try shut it down before it takes off. For my part I just avoid seeing bil and sil as much as possible!

NC sounds a bit nuclear. Just send a message - DSis,I respect your knowledge of education of course but I've been upset at the way you keep comparing DS and DN's schools. It may sound extreme but I'm writing to ask you to please stop offering your opinion on our choice of school for DS. Next time you do, I will immediately change the subject.

NC, imo, is too harsh.
Try instead to bluntly change the topic every time, or blatantly excuse self from the conversation. Have a diff topic ready, you don’t need any excuses for your decision.

I’ve a super annoying SIL, always goes straight for the uncomfortable or impolite discussion,

Try
It’s great we are both so happy with our school decisions.
Great our DC both thriving at school

She opens her mouth and starts & I say:
Sometimes I shush her - Shush, this is not for the children to hear … later please (never a later time).
Oh, did you know they will be doing roadworks, buses cancelled, new series on Netflix?
Oh, sorry I need rest room, drink of water? Find a tissue, need to write something on my list before I forget
Having you been watching….!
SIL, just not now, ok?

If she’s persistent, I just say, I don’t want to talk about this now.

She is miffed, but she usually then speaks to someone else.

So either immediately agree she made a good choice.
Change topic
Excuse self
or blunt
Yes, I know ! Let’s talk about something new!

Then again...I asked my older sister (politely) to stop undermining me and she didn't talk to me for two years so who knows?

Comments once or twice fair enough, not to the extent that you have been receiving.

Just take no notice fgs
You both sound as bad as eachother. She's made her choices and you've made yours, you both obviously think you're doing the right thing for your children.
If she makes comments just ignore and move on

Well she's not that intelligent. A GCSE is a GCSE , doesn't matter how wealthy you are , you can't pay for a good GCSE grade!

You allege that 33% of the children behave 'obnoxious' {sic}. Are you actually in the classroom to witness this?
Your sister obviously has her reasons for choosing state schools- often the teachers are far 'stronger' in my experience in state schools, and very dedicated.

{I'm not a teacher, but know some. The state primaries around here are ''Outstanding'' so probably varies by area.

Do you get on with your sister otherwise? She is entitled to her opinion but I agree she shouldn't keep harping on about it and bringing it up but its a bit harsh to go no-contact without trying to resolve it if she is otherwise OK and I assume she is as you seem to see a fair bit of her.

I would sit her down when you are on your own and tell her how you feel and tell her its OK to disagree, but repeatedly bringing it up for no good reason is winding you up and its making you very uncomfortable. Have an argument if you have to but set the firm boundary. Then if she keeps bringing it up, walk away until she sees sense. She may not know how annoying she is being.

And finally -- of course you cannot ever force someone to behave like a normal, decent person and no amount of chats or persuasion will change her unacceptable behaviour if she doesn't want to change.

Your sister should have learned to shut her trap and mind her own business by now.

She knows what she is doing, but has chosen to keep scolding and bitching.

I can guess at her reasons, but really the reasons aren't actually important as it's not your job to tolerate her bad behaviour and you can't fix whatever issues she has that are causing her to lash out at a close relative for no reason.

The only control you do have is over your own behaviour. Tolerating the intolerable is a pointless course of action as it only ever results in more of the same.

So yep, as she won't take the hint, avoiding her for as long as you feel is necessary is a good solution. You have an absolute right to boundaries and she has no right at all to continue trying to bully you.

Maybe when she doesn't have a punchbag and doormat around to scold she will consider what she's done to earn your absence.

Maybe not. Either way you won't have to feel miserable waiting for the bitching and snarking to commence each time you see her.

If nothing else, you've earned a break from her bullying.

No-one in a private school has ever been obnoxious, been bullied or been a bully.

Nope, not ever.

Proof of state primary being good.

Just ban the subject. My kids have gone to state school and 7 of their cousins (2 different families) go to private school. One a very expensive school. It’s never been an issue, they have never made a comment about our state school option and we have never made a comment (to them) about their private school choice.

Some of them are still in school but the ones who have left didn’t achieve higher grades than my children who went to state. They sent their congratulations and sent a cake when my DD achieved all 9’s a few weeks ago. I did jokingly say yes and it was all free but of course never would. Plus going private isn’t just about getting good grades and it’s never a level playing field for judging grades.

Just because there are bad private schools and good state schools doesn't mean that every private is bad and every state is good

Neither does it mean that one is as likely to be bad as the other

It's pretty clear to me that there is an advantage to private schooling in many cases

/ that's wrong and the choice to go private should be purely based on snob value not education quality , but it's where we are today

One ''top of the league'' school had a child jump out of a window he was so badly bullied.

His ankles were broken.

In chalk was written ''Try harder next time, {name}''

I saw this with my own eyes - the graffiti.

This was years ago,{Chalk}

Bullying definitely went on as friend's brother got a complete bursary to go there, and he was bullied as a ''Poor boy''.

It is over the top to go non-contact.
You don't come across well in your posts to be honest. You sound as bad as her but to be fair to you, maybe that's because you are at the end of your tether with it all.
I think you should have a conversation with her and tell her that going forward you will not be participating in any discussion about the children's schools. You are happy with your choice and your son is happy there and she is happy with her choice and her daughter is happy there so that's all that matters.
And then If she starts again, you can say "We agreed not to discuss this", or you let her go on and then say "So, anyway...." and change the subject to something completely random like "Did you see such and such on Netflix?" "Have you seen the council are changing the parking machines to app only?", something completely mundane.
Or stand up and walk out of the room.
Do it every single time and eventually she will get the hint or get bored and stop.
She does it because she knows she's getting a reaction out of you, even if you think you are not reacting to it.

What suits one child, does not suit another. Its is up to the parents in conjunction with the child to make the right decision for their child. We are allowed to disagree and if asked, explain why. What we shouldn't do is keep harping on about it and stirring up trouble. The exception being when there is serious risk/harm to the child which clearly isn't the case here.

OP - Just talk to her, give her one last clear chance, she may not realise how upset you are about the constant criticism and you just need to set a firm boundary.

But that's just one school.

The difficulty here is that a. it's a sister and b. that the subject is private schooling on which a lot of people have strong feelings.

If you had a friend who, every time you saw her, told you that your job was crap and hers is so much better, would you stay friends or would you do a slow fade?

Bullying definitely went on as friend's brother got a complete bursary to go there, and he was bullied as a ''Poor boy''.

Yes, I was going to suggest to the OP that she tells her son never to mention that his parents can't afford the school fees.

I think your sister is being an arse.

But you won’t get any objective opinion here because you mentioned private schools. Name change, start a new thread with the same info, but don’t mention private schools. Say you are arguing over whether chocolate cake or victoria sponge is better, and sister thinks she knows best because she once worked in a bakers. See the difference in the comments 😅

The country has become quite polarised about private schools, but MN has taken it to extremes. People can’t see past it, whichever side that take.

Just stop talking about it and tell her you won’t talk about it with her. End of! Don’t cut her off that seems extreme. Just swap the subject every time and if she persists tell her outright we will never agree let’s not discuss it!

OP your comments make you sound like a snob ( I'm basing that on the comments you've made about state schools) trying to justify their own choices but if you genuinely can't speak with her without this causing bad feeling between you then you need to have a proper conversation and tell her that this topic is off the table.
Going NC seems over the top, and immature.
Her opinions are based on working in private school... and just as valid, more so maybe, than yours. Of course private school parents buy grades, that's the whole point of forking our all that money in the first place - buying privilege.
You're doing it, she isn't.

For the amount of comments she is making, I wonder if she is jealous.

My friend is a teacher who is, in theory, against private schools. She has also said if she could afford it she would send her own DC because she recognises the amazing privileges privately educated children get. And I get it, you can be against the theory of something but be jealous of the outcomes if that makes sense. I think I feel the same way about private schools, I’m not into them but the results do seem to speak for themselves. (Also, with people talking about bullying, my state school was rife with bullying and I was bullied relentlessly. I think that’s schools in general and a lot of teachers don’t care as much as they should, sorry).

She is either really, really, really anti private schools to the point where it consumes her that she needs to reference them every single time, or she is jealous.

Ifninwere you, I’d lay out in simple terms: Sister, we have different views and have made different decisions. I respect that you haven’t sent yours to a private school and that is your choice, however I have sent mine to one. I have heard your thoughts and I want to continue to send my DC to private. This needs to be the end of the conversation, I do not wish to address this subject with you again. Can we please agree to put it to one side?

If she doesn’t, I’d reduce contact. If she does bring it up, ignore it every time, don’t address it, don’t even acknowledge that she has spoken. Grey rock the subject completely and if she keeps on, then you can reduce contact.

But lay out how you feel in simple terms first.

I have no idea what these abbreviations mean (dsis, nc, dm)! Where can I find out? Genuine question!

What worries me about this site, having recently joined despite having older teens, is how vicious many on here are, with no regard for people's feelings.

A lot of these issues could be fairly reasonably sorted (or at least aired) by communicating sensibly with the person in question and without resorting to extreme behaviours like no contact or axing someone. These are often family members! As adults, it's not (or shouldn't be) as easy as throwing a tantrum and huffing off. Can't we all try to carefully express ourselves and make others see they may have stepped over the line, but without reacting and behaving badly ourselves?