To go nc with Dsis over private school ?

[Maria1979]

For background: my older Dsis is a teacher (or was because she's working in another field now) and is against private schools. She has worked in ONE private school for three years and is an expert (according to herself) of how things are done in all schools whether private or not. She has got one DD who went in to the local secondary y7. My DS went in to private school y7 (they're the same age). Ever since she has not stopped with her comments on private schools. According to her they give out good grades because the parents are paying for it. The school we chose is not expensive compared to most and they have a waiting list and only take in children who are already "good students" just like grammar school so I told Dsis that maybe that's why the students got good grades. She would not hear about it. She keeps on praising her DD's school even though staff turnover is high and it's clear that my DS's school is better (pastoral, dedicated staff, well-mannered children etc). I don't tell her that, I just nod, smile and say I'm happy you're happy and leave it at that. She's not jealous; DStepM helped us out with the fees and said she would help Dsis too if she wanted it. Every single time we talk she has to put DS's school down. She has the decency to be subtle about it infront of DS but she still has to say something. I asked her to not be so negative about something she knows nothing about. My DS is highly sensitive and quite fragile and he would be a likely target for bullying in Dsis' DD's school. He is very happy about his school and I wish that she could just leave it.

I'm not exaggerating: every single time I see her she just has to make a snide remark. It's like she's mad at me for not making the same choices as she is. It's gotten to a point where I want to go nc with her because she always makes me so upset and I feel so defensive around her just waiting for her "remark of the day". So AIBU to go nc with her until she has accepted to stop putting down DS's school ?

She's a teacher though, and teachers often do have passionate views about schools. This is literally her life. It seems harsh to go NC over this, but up to you.

Why can’t you just have a conversation with her?

Going non-contact just for a while is immature game playing.

We have responsibilities to our loved ones. Including sisters. One of these is to act like a grown up in these relationships. Another is to keep the relationship going - not just drop people when they get annoying. Would you do that with your spouse or child? Why not send her this thread if you don’t have the maturity to say it verbally.

That’s getting quite close to the definition of a tantrum …

So you're going to emotionally manipulate her because she refuses to accept the private school is better?

Honestly, grow up.

You cannot control other people's thoughts and opinions with childish tantrums.

If you go NC with her, she could well stick to it forever rather than play your silly game.

🤷‍♀️It’s really nothing to fall out about, and depending on how much you love her, and value her occasional company, going “nc” does seem extreme.

You just both have different approaches to educating your children. All it needs really is an agreement between you not to let your views take over a conversation, agree to basically disagree about the pros and cons of different education paths, both ask general “how’s DD doing” questions, and get on with enjoying each other’s company. There are lots of issues family, friends etc… don’t agree upon, but the trick is not to turn things into a playground level squabble, and simply get on in your own way. Most of our family vote, live, love, work, think in a lot of different ways, but we don’t fight about it, or fall out to the extent of taking our bat and ball home. Hope all goes well👍

And yes this

it's clear that my DS's school is better (pastoral, dedicated staff, well-mannered children etc).

is exactly the sort of comment which is 100% guaranteed to wind up parents who send their kids to state schools which often have better pastoral care especially for SEN kids, more dedicated teachers (they’re earning a lot less for a start) and a real range of kids with different manners- some bad, most fine. It’s but enough that you don’t say this to her face, the fact that you so obviously think it might be one of the why she’s on the defensive with you.

I don't get it though. Why be antagonistic over a choice of education? Unless you don't have a choice financially, then you might ve jealous bur this is not the case here..

This sounds like a deep- rooted dynamic in your sister relationship that just happens to have become concentrated on the issue of schools. It sounds like she is infuriated that you're going against her 'expert' advice on this matter (as she's a teacher). I assume she's the older sister? I agree with pp that going NC isn't a great solution- I would just address it with her head on each time as it sounds like your avoidance of the issue is annoying her more and creating a vicious cycle where she brings it up more

Have you tried taking her to one side and saying very quietly to her 'stfu about my daughter's school. You are really annoying me' and leaving it at that to see what happens.

I think you need to have a calm, honest chat about it instead of just telling her you don’t want to discuss it. Tell her how it makes you feel, make it all about you and your feelings when the topic comes up, tell her your son is really happy, that it’s the right choice for your family, you have always respected her parenting decisions and when she talks about your DS’s school it makes you not want to spend time with her. Make it clear you don’t want to fall out over it but that you’ve had enough.

Sometimes in these situations we think we’ve made our feelings clear but we haven’t actually said it out loud in detail. So we just seethe internally and the other person carries on

It most likely is a better school hence why they are paying for it.

In these situations people become a little insecure because your decision shines a light on their own decisions.

If you have friends/family in broadly the same financial position as you are then there will come a point where they assess whether having more holidays, bigger cars, more savings, lower mortgage or whatever they choose to spend their money on is better than the education you have purchased with your money.

It is easier for them to be critical of your expenditure to justify their own choices when in reality it doesn’t matter. It is all down to person choice.

I think a lot of the vitriol against PS stems from this. It’s much easier to be critical of PS than to justify why you chose a new flash car and luxury holidays ahead of providing a better educational experience for your child.

People have different priorities and make different choices. Just be comfortable with your own choices and don’t worry about what others say or do about them.

I have a teacher friend who is like this. She tells me the kids at private are called Teflon by the teachers because nothing sticks. And yet my DDs are at private school. I smile politely and change the subject but it does irritate.

I'd say she needs to know you don't want to hear it or discuss it. She has a right to her opinions, as you do yours. If you can't have a healthy debate about the pros and cons of both it seems a shame. I wouldn't go NC over something like this though. Maybe you need to see that her views aren't necessarily a personal attack against you, or your daughter's school personally.
But she does sound relentless on the subject which must get tedious if you are not into discussing it.

Is there any way you can stay out of each other's business? When one of my sisters' brings up something I just know is going to end with us going seven rounds, I just raise a brow, look at 'em and say 'so, how's about them dodgers?' Everyone knows bloody well if I say that, no way, no how, am I going to be led into taking any part in any conversation about what they want to talk about. If they keep trying, I'll look at them, shake my head and find someone else to converse with or focus on.

Works a treat. She can talk. You have the choice as to whether you stay there for her to talk at, or to be drawn into responding. If you don't do either, she starts to look a little bit silly.

Yeah, why indeed?

it's clear that my DS's school is better (pastoral, dedicated staff, well-mannered children etc).

I am a private school parent, minor day one, from P1 all the way up. I must say I was sold a 'dream' and the school's only positive side was that there were no ESL pupils there holding the class back. Teachers were underwhelming, teaching was underwhelming, parents hired tutors but kept schtum about it and pretended 'their darlings just studied hard'. And the funniest bit was that in an inner city minor day school from which they had to bus them to play hockey, etc. they published a school glossy, citing little darlings' achievements - like skiing and horse-riding. As if they were sports offered at the school!!!!

I am sure there must be private schools in a different league - boarding ones, where teaching is exemplary, etc., but they were out of my price league. However, people feel incredibly jealous when you say where your children go. My state school was miles better than my dc private one, but it was aaaages ago.

This.

And repeat the same phase to her every time you meet her and she brings the subject up.

She's obviously got a bee in her bonnet about this, and if she wants to have one then fine that is her choice. But it doesn't mean she should be a pain to everyone else in the process.

Tell her she’s boring. No one likes being called boring so just tell her that each time she brings it up.

She keeps on praising her DD's school even though staff turnover is high and it's clear that my DS's school is better (pastoral, dedicated staff, well-mannered children etc).

Are you saying to her your DS's school is better?

Its not a matter of fact, its opinion, its just as ok for her to be happy with her DC state school as you to be happy with your choice of private

If you stop judging the school her child goes to, maybe she’ll extend the same courtesy to you?

(You say you don’t talk about it but you clearly look down on her kid’s school and I bet your feelings are pretty obvious)

Thank you. I think you are spot on. I can handle difficult people in a whole variety of settings in a calm manner because they don't trigger me. I think it's the underlying feeling of superiority that she has when talking to me that really gets to me. But I had decided to rise above that, thinking it's the older sister thing and we had a good relationship until recently. But she's out to get a reaction from me that's for sure and I just don't want to hand it to her.

Just agree with her. You'd be surprised that this actually works! She will have nowhere to go and it shuts the conversation down.

Example: ' They have higher grades because parents pay for it's
' yes, I'm sure that does happen'

If she has no one to argue with she'll get bored. If she asks why you still send him if you know this, just reply with something like ' oh well he's settled now'