To ask my mum to share a room?

[Katthedog]

Background : my mum and I haven't had the greatest of relationships. Have spent a few months this year not speaking because of some odd behaviour. I got engaged and decided to reconcile as I couldn't imagine getting married without my mum there.

Before reaching out to my mum, my fiancé and I had booked where we wanted for our wedding which is in Italy. It's stunning, only 10 minutes drive from the nearest beach and there are so many amazing beaches 15/20 minutes away too. But we didn't want to get married near the beach as that time of year it will be so so busy, so we have an old villa type on some lovely land that is nice and private. My mum is single and the villa holds enough people for the bridal party and immediate family and we had one space free in the villa that I have offered to my mum.

The first week we reconciled I had statements such as "if I'm not staying in the villa I'm not coming, I don't want to be on my own."

OK so we have room, but every room is either a double or a twin so because everyone else is part of a couple or single parent with their child, the only room that she could fit in would be to share with my chief bridesmaid, who is single, and they have known each other since my bridesmaid and I were aged 3 and I'm now 33. They know each other really well.

So this week started with comments such as "I don't want to share with (let's call her A)."

I said there was no other way to fit her in the villa as everyone else is in couples/families etc. So she said she would look in to what she could do.

I met her for a coffee this week and she stormed in and the conversation went like this:

Her: have you even researched this villa?!
Me: errr yes, why?!
Her: do you know where it is?! It's in the middle of bloody nowhere?!
Me: errr no it's a 10 minute drive from the beach and shops etc
Her: I want to wake up and walk on to a beach
Me:... O...k.. But that's not where we want to get married?

Today I received a text to say she won't be coming to the wedding because she doesn't want to share a room and she doesn't want to be in another property so that she's on her own every night.

Everyone keeps telling me that she's making my wedding about her so I'm just checking work stranger's I guess to check my sanity?! I know if my daughter said she was getting married I'd be telling her "tell me where I need to be and what I need to do" and there'd be no questions asked!

My mum is the only person making this wedding planning stressful and now she's not even coming because she's not waking up and walking to the beach, and she won't share with anyone in our own private villa!

Arrghhh am I being selfish?!

The suggestion you responded to here isn’t that your mum trumps any of your bridesmaids, it’s that she could trump one of your bridal party’s partners.

And if the bridesmaid who’s been your lifeline is the one you’ve asked to share with your mum - that makes the suggestion even more sensible compared to your plan to have her share with your mum. Your mum sounds like she could kick off in the middle of the stay. Surely your BM would prefer to be in a room with another BM and not your mum?

You seem to have approached this poorly without thinking things through. You reconciled with your mum because you couldn’t imagine getting married without her there. But the venue wasn’t suitable for adding another guest and your solution to that puts both your BM and your mum in a situation neither of them were ever likely to relish. Even if your BM is stoic about it, your mum sounds like that’s not something you could have realistically expected of her.

If you really couldn’t imagine getting married without your mum there, I don’t think you’re showing that in your actions. (But I also think, maybe, it’s a bit of a foolish desire based on a fantasy of what you wish your relationship with her was like, rather than what it is).

This. I think a pp said she had experienced this and a lot is about obligation, fear and guilt.

From Feb to August was the longest we've gone without speaking and I think I'm just trying to give us the opportunity to still have a relationship but the more I think about it, combined with how she's behaved about the wedding, makes me think she doesn't deserve to trump my bridesmaid or my future sister in law and her husband who are so much closer to my future husband than I am to my mum. They wouldn't treat anyone the way my mum has treated me and other people.

It's so difficult for people to understand I really get it, when they have good, loving mothers. I think I've been hopeful that she would think this is a chance for us to try and reconcile but that doesn't mean I treat her like the most important person in the villa by moving others.

Hope is the cruelest of torments. It has you looking the facts in the face but still thinking "but maybe....."

It has you thinking that maybe, this time, she will be the mother you desperately want and the mother that she should have been.

You giving her chance after chance is like buying lottery tickets. You know that you are unlikely to win but hey, you never know, right?

The only time you will get any sort of reconciliation with her is if you climb back into your box of "support actor in the film of MY life". Anything that doesnt line up with that will cause a kick off. Your life isnt there for you to live and love and enjoy and experience. Its her life to use and direct to her desire.

When you say that you cannot imagine getting married without her, may I give you two scenarios?

A) You get married at your dream wedding with your mother looking on proudly, or maybe escorting you down the aisle. She is happy and supportive and mixes well with all your guests. There are no speeches but she tells anyone with ears how beautiful you look, how proud she is and how happy for you she is, how wonderful your new husband is and "Oh dont the bridesmaids look lovely?"

B) You get married at your dream wedding with your mother scowling after a mega tantrum first thing in the morning as the make up artist didnt do her make up as she wasnt out of bed in time. She looks away as you walk down the aisle as she cant stand to see you happy. There are no speeches but she tells anyone with ears that you dont care about her as you made her share a room and didnt bother getting her a room in a hotel by the beach as you were too tight to pay for it and that she has gone short to be there, she even had to borrow money. She lies about how she paid for XYZ and didnt even get a say so couldnt eat any of the food as you chose things you know she cant eat and she is so upset as all she wanted was to enjoy her daughters wedding.

Which one are you dreaming of and which one do you think that you will get?

I think I've been hopeful that she would think this is a chance for us to try and reconcile but that doesn't mean I treat her like the most important person in the villa by moving others.

And that is your crime. As far as she is concerned, she IS the most important person in that villa. Not your closest friends and family, not your kids, not even you and your husband to be, her. And the fact that she isnt simply is not something she is willing to even consider, much less accept.

I am going to take a wild guess that she has no friends or if she does, she loses them very quickly.....

Stop trying to placate her. Even if you boot your bridesmaid, she'll still complain that she's too far from the beach etc etc. Enjoy a peaceful and quiet wedding without her.

@Katthedog so you haven't really 'reconciled,' you have capitulated and started talking to her again and she hasn't acknowledged any of her poor behaviour.

TBH, she sounds like she is going to stir up trouble wherever she stays.
Just stick to your guns. She can either share a room in the villa or get somewhere else.
Sounds like it would be easier if she didn't attend

You have bent over backwards trying to accommodate her and her requirements. You have (very kindly IMO) given her the only viable options so leave it up to her now whether she comes or not - her choice - but don't beat yourself up over it and go and have the lovely wedding of your dreams with people that love and care about you all around you.

One thing to think of, and it'll be an unpopular opinion, but weddings are not the place for re-building collapsed bridges.

Maybe the 4 day offer was just a step too far, too many things can go wrong in 4 days. Maybe the offer of attending the wedding but staying away from the venue is a better one, that way the "me me me" mum won't have chance to cause multiple issues throughout the event and the brigde building has more chance of success.

I had a very controlling DM who made it clear when we were planning our wedding that it was her day and she would decide who was invited, not DH (to be) and me, and what's more, she was under no obligation to tell us who was invited.

So from the benefit of hindsight, my advice would be to tell your DM it's your wedding and if she doesn't like what you've arranged, it's tough.

It sounds like you have an absolute diamond as your chief bridesmaid/best friend so she should come first.

Yup, same here. I would however be open to accommodation/hotel elsewhere.
If not, I wouldn't be going.

I wouldn't expect my mother to share a room and would have rearranged the other rooms so that she didn't have to.
She does sound awkward though.

It’s not great asking your mum to share a room. She sounds like she’s being difficult anyway but I don’t think that is reasonable to ask of any adult unless they suggest it. Is there no one you can get an air BnB for and book them taxis?
It was a bit silly to not have a private room set aside for her. One of your other guests or your mum will have to compromise and stay elsewhere.
I don’t blame your mum for not wanting to go. She sounds like an afterthought and she will know that. She will want to be there but she will be hurt at the situation.

YANBU. Your wedding, your rules, especially given the difficult relationship. If she wants to attend your wedding she’ll have to accept your arrangements or just not go. Don’t give in to attempts to guilt you into changing your plans, you can guarantee that if you do, something else won’t be right.

I’ve had some experience of this type of relationship with my own DM. I learnt very early on to be strong and not bow to emotional blackmail or any kind of pressure. Just because a person is your mother doesn’t mean you have to like them or put up with their nonsense.

Those saying they wouldn’t expect their mothers to share a room clearly have much better relationships with much nicer people.

curious more than anything. Are your children sharing? I think you said one was in with you, where’s the other? could she go with bridesmaid and mother on her own?

personally though, I’d not entertain any of it, if she wants to be there she will be..she’d move heaven and earth to be there for her daughter whether that’s staying elsewhere or sharing a room with someone (grand daughter would be another option?) however if she’s not willing to then simply say “okay” to her not coming and that’s that.
she is an narcissist and doesn’t deserve you 🤗

Don’t let your Mum spoil your wedding . It’s not your responsibility to sort out her accommodation. If she wants to stay near a beach it maybe a blessing for you all. You have more than enough to plan , let her make her own arrangements.

To be honest I wouldn’t even want her there, mum or not. What if on the wedding day something isn’t to her liking, will she kick off?
I don’t subscribe to the view that she’s your mum so shouldn’t share etc. I am of the view ‘fuck her’.
i would not make your bridesmaid move rooms, she will be around a lot longer than your mum.

Yep👍

She didnt plan a wedding where her mum didnt have a room. She planned her wedding when they were NC so her mum didnt come into the equation at all. And seeing how she has behaved since the OP reached out, I think that staying NC would be a far better idea than constantly caving in to her demands.

I take it you have read what a PITA she is and how she never apologises or takes responsibility for her actions? That she simply expects the OP to put up with all her crap and never call her out on it?

Mum of the Year she really is not.

I don’t think it’s ideal for her to have to share a room, but from what youve said it sounds like if you capitulated about this she would find something else to be difficult about.

And me

Don’t pander to your mum. She’s being a twat. If she doesn’t like the free accommodation, she can find a place on the beach and hang out at the villa in the evenings and go home at bedtime. I wouldn’t want to share a room either, but I’d graciously sort my self out and not make it your problem. Accept her decision and you’ll probably have a much better time at the wedding!

She’s not unreasonable to want her own room, it’s awkward to share with your friend and she probably feels as though she’s an afterthought being squeezed in. Which I think it sounds like she is, you didn’t plan a space for her when booking your venue and that must hurt.

However you are not being unreasonable to expect her to want to come and to not complain that it’s not ideal. It’s your wedding and if this is the perfect venue as she’s the least important guest to you your compromise is not unreasonable.

Ultimately I wouldn’t have booked a venue without space for my mum if I wanted her there so I think you are the more unreasonable.

My Mother was the same my husband paid for hotel accommodation for the whole family we only had a small wedding My mother didn't want to share with her 13 year old granddaughter who was a bridesmaid she didnt like my choice of where we were getting married she didnt like the bridesmaid outfits she wanted a say in everything she contributed nothing on terms of finance or emotional support I eventually told her of she eanted a room to herself she could bpok and pay for ot her or just not come I wish she hadnt come She RUINED our day

But it was all arranged BEFORE OP reconciled with mum...

@Mibs Yes but a few months vs a lifetime with mum is not really an excuse not to think about her. Op did. She contacted her! What a mistake! She’s then making it an unpalatable trip for her mother. I’d probably not go if I was the mum. If there are grandchildren and it’s really a beach holiday I’d leave the younger people to it. I’m assuming no aunties or uncles are going? Or grandparents? What about his parents? Are they sharing with the best man? These weddings are such a fuss!