To ask my mum to share a room?

[Katthedog]

Background : my mum and I haven't had the greatest of relationships. Have spent a few months this year not speaking because of some odd behaviour. I got engaged and decided to reconcile as I couldn't imagine getting married without my mum there.

Before reaching out to my mum, my fiancé and I had booked where we wanted for our wedding which is in Italy. It's stunning, only 10 minutes drive from the nearest beach and there are so many amazing beaches 15/20 minutes away too. But we didn't want to get married near the beach as that time of year it will be so so busy, so we have an old villa type on some lovely land that is nice and private. My mum is single and the villa holds enough people for the bridal party and immediate family and we had one space free in the villa that I have offered to my mum.

The first week we reconciled I had statements such as "if I'm not staying in the villa I'm not coming, I don't want to be on my own."

OK so we have room, but every room is either a double or a twin so because everyone else is part of a couple or single parent with their child, the only room that she could fit in would be to share with my chief bridesmaid, who is single, and they have known each other since my bridesmaid and I were aged 3 and I'm now 33. They know each other really well.

So this week started with comments such as "I don't want to share with (let's call her A)."

I said there was no other way to fit her in the villa as everyone else is in couples/families etc. So she said she would look in to what she could do.

I met her for a coffee this week and she stormed in and the conversation went like this:

Her: have you even researched this villa?!
Me: errr yes, why?!
Her: do you know where it is?! It's in the middle of bloody nowhere?!
Me: errr no it's a 10 minute drive from the beach and shops etc
Her: I want to wake up and walk on to a beach
Me:... O...k.. But that's not where we want to get married?

Today I received a text to say she won't be coming to the wedding because she doesn't want to share a room and she doesn't want to be in another property so that she's on her own every night.

Everyone keeps telling me that she's making my wedding about her so I'm just checking work stranger's I guess to check my sanity?! I know if my daughter said she was getting married I'd be telling her "tell me where I need to be and what I need to do" and there'd be no questions asked!

My mum is the only person making this wedding planning stressful and now she's not even coming because she's not waking up and walking to the beach, and she won't share with anyone in our own private villa!

Arrghhh am I being selfish?!

Why not? I'm sure they can restrain themselves from bonking for a few nights!

your mother is not a nice woman at all, nor fit to be a mother

@rosesareredvioletsareblueaimverytiredandsoareyou So?! Is having sex really that important that it out trumps the bride's mother's privacy? Jesus Christ

Don't think that OP should have booked this villa. OP was anticipating reaching out and inviting her mother (which she did). She shouldn't have invited her if provisions or accommodation not there.

OP should have changed venue seeing as guestlist had changed, and more now coming. It's a big ask to request people travel to Italy for your big day, only to want them to bunk up with roommates who despise them. I wouldn't do it. I couldn't do it. Think mum has been put into an awful position.

Eh?

@Blossomtoes my bridesmaid tells me this as a supportive friend of course, but as we are so close we would do anything for each other. My mum, nor anyone else would ever guess my best friends feelings towards my mum.

If you believe that you’ll believe anything. Of course your mum knows.

This wasn't the first time we haven't spoken. Every time I'm the one to reconcile whether I think it's her or me at fault. If I wouldn't, we would never speak. So from February to August we haven't spoken this time. She gets really angry and screams etc at me for the slightest thing and I told her she can't do this to me anymore. Even when I tried to reconcile I tried explaining what had hurt me (because she will never ever think she was in the wrong) and even me explaining my feelings to her was me being a horrible daughter. She's not a feeble old woman type. She's a very strong minded still working hard in her job and can travel the world with her sister and share with her sister fine. Just not share with anyone at my wedding nor does she want to stay anywhere but near a beach.

@YellowAsteroid originally we were going to offer up the other bed to one of my partners closest friends who is female and single, to save her some money, this was before I reconciled with my mum. Everyone who stays at the villa stays there for free - we are paying for the villa, they have to pay for flights only. My bridesmaid was happy and said she's just happy to get a week in the villa and realises that we will be doing so much in the week that that room is purely for sleeping for her.

Then give her your blessing to politely decline, and avoid this drama for everyone's sake.

I didn't imagine her as a feeble old woman but this kind of scenario would be uncomfortable for anyone. Sharing a room with your sister is not the same as sharing it with a previously estranged daughters friend.

Others are staying nearby, 10 minutes away from the villa (reception). But the area we are in has so much surrounding it - we're planning to do some excursions 45 minutes away for example. We picked a villa that is central to everything, imagine a circle of things to do and we've booked a villa in the middle so that we could have the privacy of the reception away from everyone else as it will be so busy there at the time we're getting married. We're also providing a shuttle service for everyone (as majority have taken our hotel suggestions we sent them and booked there) - 40 guests approx.

Not expecting her to pay for her stay at the villa. A week in the villa is paid for by us as part of the wedding budget.

I would not expect my mum to share a room with a bridesmaid.
I see you invited her after booking the villa, but I would have bumped someone to ensure my mum had a private room.

Your mum may be concealing a good reason for not wanting to share by making up the villa is in middle of nowhere complaint. Perhaps she snores and farts in her sleep but is too embarrassed to admit it. Perhaps she suffers from insomnia and so can’t really share a bedroom. Perhaps she is introverted and just needs her own space to retreat to during a big social event like a wedding.

I don’t agree her asking you modify a take it or leave it invitation to be a bit more accommodating is making your wedding all about her. She is your mum, not your sister’s former Uni flatmate.

I've seen a few posts along my bridesmaid to take one for the team so to speak and stay somewhere else.

The problem I have with this is that the circumstances surrounding my mum and I not speaking were awful. She yet again screamed and swore down the phone at me for a decision I had made that she disagreed with. The way she spoke to me was horrendous and it turns out that my decision that she didn't like has worked out very well for us as a family.

But in the first few months taking this decision we knew it was going to be tough and we had to knuckle down and it was my bridesmaid who was there for me, who would help babysit when we needed to work who would ring up to check we were OK and did we need anything and would send cards of motivation through the post. It was my bridesmaid who bought me some gifts on mothers day from my youngest as my husband to be was mourning his own mothers passing just before mother's day. My mum would never ever have done anything like this.

I wouldn't have got through the last 9 months (and other times in my life) without my bridesmaid. But then it's suggested that just because she's given birth to me she trumps my best mate who I call my life line.

I know it's difficult for some to understand, especially those who have a loving relationship with nice parents. But that's not what's happening here unfortunately.

It's ok to prioritise your chosen family over your blood family OP. Her being your mother doesn't mean she gets special privileges by default. People who had gentle, easy relationships with their mothers struggle to understand this.

Seriously op. Just let her not come. Give her permission to stay home.

Stop offering. Keep your peace.

We're paying for the accommodation for 7 nights.
Flights she has to pay for.

I've suggested that due to bridesmaid only being able to make it for 4 nights that she can have the room to herself for 3 nights and only needing to share for 4. (This wasn't acceptable)

I've suggested she stays near the beach as we've provided a shuttle service to the reception (villa) for everyone. (This wasn't acceptable as she'll be on her own in the evenings)

I've suggested she asks a family member who is coming, who she gets on so well with and is really close with, where he is staying and this was yesterday morning with no reply.

More like a poisoned chalice than an olive branch.

Eugh the mum reaps what she sowed and she sowed a shit show so now she feels the shit 🤷🏻‍♀️

Then why are you inflicting your toxic mum on your best mate for life bridesmaid?

Not a good way to thank her by saddling her with mum as a room mate

Mum needs her own room not just for herself, but also for sanity of others.

Agree 💯
It is a gift that is not a gift.

All seems so passive-aggressive and concealed revenge. Just let your mum be. Tell her to stay at home. No hard feelings. You will celebrate with her another time.

Your mother doesn't want to go. And you obviously don't want her there so stop forcing it.

Your mum sounds like hard work. I'd leave it now as I suspect she will ruin the whole thing for you anyway.

It’s not because of bonking! It would just be super uncomfortable!!
Would you genuinely like to be dossed down on a sofa bed next to a married couple in bed? And would you not mind a random person in the room as you lie in bed with your husband? I certainly wouldn’t like it! It’s intrusive, even without any bonking!

She doesnt want to go because its your wedding so it isnt all abouther. She needs to be centre of attention at all times and will move heaven and earth to make this so.

She is making demands that you cannot fulfil in order for her to say that she isnt coming as you obviously dont care about her, so then she is the victim.

Simple as that.

What I dont understand is why you keep trying to reconcile with a selfish controlling narcissist who doesnt care about you.

She will make you the bad guy either way so embrace your role as evil daughter who hates her and rescind the invitation. She gets out of attending and gets to be the victim and you get a peaceful wedding without her drama.