To ask my mum to share a room?

[Katthedog]

Background : my mum and I haven't had the greatest of relationships. Have spent a few months this year not speaking because of some odd behaviour. I got engaged and decided to reconcile as I couldn't imagine getting married without my mum there.

Before reaching out to my mum, my fiancé and I had booked where we wanted for our wedding which is in Italy. It's stunning, only 10 minutes drive from the nearest beach and there are so many amazing beaches 15/20 minutes away too. But we didn't want to get married near the beach as that time of year it will be so so busy, so we have an old villa type on some lovely land that is nice and private. My mum is single and the villa holds enough people for the bridal party and immediate family and we had one space free in the villa that I have offered to my mum.

The first week we reconciled I had statements such as "if I'm not staying in the villa I'm not coming, I don't want to be on my own."

OK so we have room, but every room is either a double or a twin so because everyone else is part of a couple or single parent with their child, the only room that she could fit in would be to share with my chief bridesmaid, who is single, and they have known each other since my bridesmaid and I were aged 3 and I'm now 33. They know each other really well.

So this week started with comments such as "I don't want to share with (let's call her A)."

I said there was no other way to fit her in the villa as everyone else is in couples/families etc. So she said she would look in to what she could do.

I met her for a coffee this week and she stormed in and the conversation went like this:

Her: have you even researched this villa?!
Me: errr yes, why?!
Her: do you know where it is?! It's in the middle of bloody nowhere?!
Me: errr no it's a 10 minute drive from the beach and shops etc
Her: I want to wake up and walk on to a beach
Me:... O...k.. But that's not where we want to get married?

Today I received a text to say she won't be coming to the wedding because she doesn't want to share a room and she doesn't want to be in another property so that she's on her own every night.

Everyone keeps telling me that she's making my wedding about her so I'm just checking work stranger's I guess to check my sanity?! I know if my daughter said she was getting married I'd be telling her "tell me where I need to be and what I need to do" and there'd be no questions asked!

My mum is the only person making this wedding planning stressful and now she's not even coming because she's not waking up and walking to the beach, and she won't share with anyone in our own private villa!

Arrghhh am I being selfish?!

Are there other people staying in a nearby hotel, so she could travel with other guests on the shuttle bus etc

How old is your child that isn't going to be in your room?

So you're expecting your bridesmaid to share with a woman that she absolutely despises, and your mum to share with someone who absolutely despises her? Sounds awful to me.

Your mum is of course being unreasonable banging on about not being close to the beach etc. That's just silly because she doesn't get to pick the location for your wedding. And if she doesn't want to be alone in the evenings, she can stay at the villa until bedtime and then get a taxi back to her own hotel.

Honestly, though, if you have a bad relationship with her anyway and weren't able to accommodate her properly in the villa that you'd booked, I think it might have been better not to invite her at all. Or at least to have made it clear that there wasn't room in the villa in the first place and that she'd have to stay elsewhere.

I would spin that and say so many daughters who have so little regard for their mothers. I couldn’t imagine putting my mother on an air bed

This is basically so thoughtless about single people. But it seems according to lots of posters, that they just have to suck it up.

Although presumably the bridesmaid was going to be allowed to have a whole double room all to herself. Gosh she should consider herself soooooo fortunate!

The villa holds us and our children (one of our children will have to be in our room) my bridesmaid who I'm only having 1, rest are my daughters, my partners sister and brother in law who he's really close to, brother in lost is best man. The reception is at the villa

Yes I agree with this.

That's pretty much what I was saying?

To add my mum loves travelling and had no problem going to Thailand, Jamaica and New York and sharing with her sister just before covid so 5 years ago? She's a young at heart mum so to speak

Do you not think that sharing with a sister is very different from sharing with a daughter's friend? Especially a friend that absolutely despises you?

Sharing with her own sister or sharing with a friend of her Daughter's who despises her. Hmmmm.... what could the difference be?

My second cousin, her first cousin, we are all really close with, especially my mum. He's attending so I suggested why doesn't she ask him where he's staying, maybe they could stay in the same venue but then she gets her own room. This I still won't be acceptable but I suggested this.

I also said that due to my bridesmaids work, she will be flying out on the Monday, so my mum can have the room to herself for 3 nights and will only have to share for 4 nights.

Reception is at the villa but we're putting on a shuttle service for people to go back to their accommodation.

Also a strange thing about my mum. When she used to stay at mine (we live about an hour away from each other) I used to say my 2 children can room share and she could have eldest daughters room - she used to stay here sat once a month. She refused and got cross one day and said if she's not staying on the sofa (not sofa bed, sofa!) she's not coming down. Which I never understood as my youngest daughter is always up really really so would wake her up. So I didn't think she would be that bothered about having her own room, not that this was a factor when booking as we weren't speaking.

Just some more background as to what I'm dealing with!

@Katthedog In your OP you said you didn't have the greatest relationship with your Mum and that led you to not speaking for a few months.

Of course we don't know what your relationship is like, however, cutting your mum out of your wedding and planning on her not being there because you haven't spoken for a month or 2 does seem a bit harsh.

She does sound like a PITA though. Just give her options. Let her decide

To be honest I would be pretty miffed if my dd expected me to share a room with anyone but family. It's a pretty personal experience sharing a room. And yes any destination that requires a car is a bit thoughtless as a wedding venue

Estranged at the time or not, it should have been factored in that she may be coming

My bridesmaid absolutely despises my mother, she's watched my mothers behaviour for years having known each other since aged 3 and gets so frustrated. But yes she's happy to share.

Your poor mother.

Being told she’s lucky that someone who despises her is “happy” to share.

This. No wonder she’s said no.

This. It seems on some level that you're trying to punish your mother. Just spare her the cruel suffering and tell her she's not invited. She will probably be relieved.

If everyone is staying together then you need a private room for your mum. You can't expect your mum to share with the chef bridesmaid. Is there another couple who could stay elsewhere? I think it says it all that you've sorted out everyone else even the bridesmaid then your mum has to make do. I am not surprised she doesn't want to come and it doesn't sound like she's very nice to you so you are both at fault.

Is there anyway either your bridesmaid or BIL & partner could stay at a hotel? It’s not ideal, but then at least your mum gets what she wants and this might then mitigate any potential dramas. It sounds like whatever you do she’s going to cause a problem though.

I wouldn't want to have to share a room either BUT I would very happily just book a room myself in a nearby hotel, no issues whatsoever.
Honestly I would just leave her to it and say "fair enough I'll come show you the photos when we're back." She doesn't sound like she adds much of value to your life, and will undoubtedly spoil the wedding with some sort of moaning or just looking miserable.
I doubt your bridesmaid particularly wants to share with her either!

Are there any nearby hotels though? Or is it in the middle of nowhere? I wouldn't have my mother fend for herself like that alone in a foreign country. I would be very uncomfortable if I was her. Seems like she's damned if she goes, and damned if she refuses.

I’d just be blunt.

Look mum your invited and welcome to stay in our villa in a shared room, your welcome to come and find your own accommodation or if you feel you cannot come then that is also fine.

just leave the ball totally in her court. You’ve offered. You’ve invited. Don’t let her drama take over your wedding.

In normal circumstances I would feel awkward as a guest if the bride's mother was expected to bunk in with the bridesmaid or stay elsewhere whilst I got a room at the villa