To ask my mum to share a room?

[Katthedog]

Background : my mum and I haven't had the greatest of relationships. Have spent a few months this year not speaking because of some odd behaviour. I got engaged and decided to reconcile as I couldn't imagine getting married without my mum there.

Before reaching out to my mum, my fiancé and I had booked where we wanted for our wedding which is in Italy. It's stunning, only 10 minutes drive from the nearest beach and there are so many amazing beaches 15/20 minutes away too. But we didn't want to get married near the beach as that time of year it will be so so busy, so we have an old villa type on some lovely land that is nice and private. My mum is single and the villa holds enough people for the bridal party and immediate family and we had one space free in the villa that I have offered to my mum.

The first week we reconciled I had statements such as "if I'm not staying in the villa I'm not coming, I don't want to be on my own."

OK so we have room, but every room is either a double or a twin so because everyone else is part of a couple or single parent with their child, the only room that she could fit in would be to share with my chief bridesmaid, who is single, and they have known each other since my bridesmaid and I were aged 3 and I'm now 33. They know each other really well.

So this week started with comments such as "I don't want to share with (let's call her A)."

I said there was no other way to fit her in the villa as everyone else is in couples/families etc. So she said she would look in to what she could do.

I met her for a coffee this week and she stormed in and the conversation went like this:

Her: have you even researched this villa?!
Me: errr yes, why?!
Her: do you know where it is?! It's in the middle of bloody nowhere?!
Me: errr no it's a 10 minute drive from the beach and shops etc
Her: I want to wake up and walk on to a beach
Me:... O...k.. But that's not where we want to get married?

Today I received a text to say she won't be coming to the wedding because she doesn't want to share a room and she doesn't want to be in another property so that she's on her own every night.

Everyone keeps telling me that she's making my wedding about her so I'm just checking work stranger's I guess to check my sanity?! I know if my daughter said she was getting married I'd be telling her "tell me where I need to be and what I need to do" and there'd be no questions asked!

My mum is the only person making this wedding planning stressful and now she's not even coming because she's not waking up and walking to the beach, and she won't share with anyone in our own private villa!

Arrghhh am I being selfish?!

I think you’re both being unfair to each other for different reasons. The best outcome would be to agree for your mum to skip the wedding, and for you to have a special meal back home after it’s all over.

Never a good idea to give in to tantrums. It sounds like the OP's mother would like nothing more than to disrupt everyone else's plans to get her own way, but I'd hazard a guess that even that wouldn't appease her.

OP if your bridesmaid despises her I would assume that there's very good reasons for that, in which case it's very nice of her to make the offer.

Your mother can go with the current arrangements, or stay elsewhere, or just not go. You've done your best.

I don’t have a good relationship with my mum due to things she did when I was growing up and we just tolerate each other but I won’t make her share a room with my mate, especially not at my wedding. I think you need to think it through again. She sounds high maintenance but you sound like you don’t care either.

OP - the posters on your mother's side either have no idea what it's like growing up with a narcissistic mother, or are narcissistic themselves! You're entitled to have your wedding exactly as you want it, and you don't sound like a bridezilla, so just ignore the people slagging you off for not picking a venue they'd have picked, or doing it abroad. This is AIBU where the default position by 99% of the posters is to blame the OP for whatever the post is about.

You've tried. Your mother isn't going to be happy unless you completely rearrange the wedding to suit her, and then she'll complain about that, too. You just have to be polite and reiterate what the deal is, and say you won't be offended if she chooses not to come.

OP is feeding the mother with the necessary actions to be outraged about.

I'm not on her mum's side, but I'm not on OPs "side" either. It is a big hot mess that would be best handled if they had a good honest discussion about what each of them is prepared to compromise on.

But the revelation that the BM despises the mum and even so OP has asked her to share a room speaks a lot about what the OP is expecting people to sacrifice for her dream location, tbh.

Better all round to say to mum "it's not going to work, see you after and I'll show you the photos"

Genuinely, learn from my mistakes and don't reconcile just so she's at your wedding.

I really, really wish that I hadn't. There are a couple of people who we thought we wanted there, that I really wish weren't, now. They don't reflect our life anymore, but they're in all the memories and photos.

One behaved particularly badly, and I suspect your Mum is going to be the same...

Even if you jump through hoops to make a room available for her it still won't be good enough because it's not on the beach. So either you'll have an empty room because she doesn't come or a room with a mum bitching about not waking up to the beach at the door.

Tell her these are the offers and let her decide. You reap what you sow, and the crop here is you not prioritizing her. Don't let her ruin your wedding.

This.

What's the next drama going to be if you fold on this one?

And the next?

and the next?

As a mum, I'd offer to sleep in a tent in the grounds to be there (if it was a case of a late invite due to late reconciliation), rather than arguing that i wanted to wake up on the beach

me me me, thats all mum is concerned about.

You expect her to share a room with a bridesmaid that hates her?

The property you've picked is unsuitable.

She generally sounds like a real pain.

But that doesn't mean she should have to share.

Then you’re the problem.

@toomuchfaff I bet is a great mum.

Funny isn’t it though.

we teach children that sharing is good and nice. That stropping or throwing a tantrum won’t get you, your own way.

Adult women, stomps her feet it’s not good enough. Her free accommodation is not good enough because she has a single bed in a room with another adult women and it’s not close enough to the beach. Staying somewhere else also not an option because she will be alone.

Id rather than the toddler. At least their unreasonable demands on free stuff is because their brains haven’t fully developed rather than an oversized sense of entitlement.

and to hell with respect your mother just because she’s your mother in this instance. The mothers got history being a pain in the ass. Maybe she should respect her daughter and decline or accept the olive branch without fuss for FREE accommodation, it goes both ways after all 😉

Is that because you haven't bothered to read the thread Or at least the OP's posts ?

At the time the villa was booked, the OP was none contact with her mother. Why would you book a room for someone who wasn't coming to the wedding ?

Despite this the OP has offered an olive branch and now invited her. The bridesmaid has been a real hero and said she will share her room with her for 4 nights if that helps, or the mother can pick a room anywhere she wants, and be collected and dropped back to her choice of accommodation by shuttle bus that the OP is providing.
I think the OP is going above and beyond for someone she clearly does not have a warm, loving relationship with.

Why on earth is your mother invited to join you for the whole week !
2 nights is plenty !!!
the night before the wedding - so she is there on time on the day
and the night of the wedding.

Are all the other relatives joining the newly married couple on this holiday too ?

If she dislikes her that much why invite her at all?

Because she’s trying to see if the relationship is salvageable clearly.

Though the ops mum is once again showing her that even her own daughters wedding and olive branch isn’t good enough.

Even if she had her own room the moan is it’s not on the beach.

She’s just an awkward sod who wants it all her own way even on her daughters day 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Katthedog do you REALLY want her there?

If she's being awkward and refusing to come unless she gets her own room then just say "ok, never mind, don't come then".

She sounds like one of those people who like being awkward just for the sake of it.

My MIL will make ridiculous requests then miss out entirely as she refuses to compromise.

I'd sleep in a bin behind Aldi to be able to be there for my daughter on her wedding day.

I know you're being a bit hyperbolic to make a point but that is a great mental image.

Her only wanting to be next to a beach is ridiculous. At first I thought she had a point about sharing a room, but after reading that you booked the villa not expecting her to come at all, I’ve changed my mind. YANBU.

But - could it be the cost of the fares that is putting her off? Would it mean she couldn’t afford another holiday for a while? She’s still being unreasonable and there isn't really anything more you can do about it, but I was just wondering if that could be the issue.

It’s your wedding and you can therefore do it where you want and how you want but if either of my children said they had booked accommodation where I needed to share with anybody ( if I was single) I would not be staying there .

Have a long think, OP, about whether you actually want her there. Ignore people who say "But she's your MOTHER" or "But she's FAMILY!".

Being related to someone is not a good enough reason to overlook shitty behaviour.

But that's not what the OP has done.

The OP (and more so the Bridesmaid) have kindly offered that AS AN OPTION for the mother, alongside all the other options available in the locality. Other options where other members of her family and other friends are staying. Options that the OP has even arranged transport to and from.

Because of the way the beds are arranged in the rooms, presumably - twins and doubles. And the other rooms are full.

But would you think that somebody else should arrange their wedding around what you want? Especially if you weren't speaking when arrangements were made?

The DM sounds like a woman who takes it as read that her wants should come first, always - even at her DD's wedding. Pretty awful.

To be honest, I don't think you have made this easy for your mother at all.

I'm in my 30s, and I don't like sharing with people. You want to put your older mother into a room with a younger lady who despises her?

Weddings can be really overwhelming. Everyone needs their own space to get away from chit chat and small talk. Your mother has nowhere to retreat to. I know my mother couldn't handle that.

5/10 minutes drive away from a beach on holidays is a long way, esp for an older woman on her own.

It seems as though the wedding crowd don't like her so I don't think she'll feel at home or welcome.

The comment about the beach would get on my nerves if everything else was in order for the said guest. But things are not right or welcoming for her. What is she supposed to do for a week in a remote villa with a wedding group that are feeling hostile towards her? She can see it playing out hence her reluctance to go.