Giving moved out daughter’s bedroom to younger sister

[Derbyderby]

Bit nervous but here goes…
We have three daughters 22, 19 and 16. The eldest has moved with her boyfriend to a lovely rented flat. We have a four bedroomed house, the fourth bedroom being a box room which is currently home to our youngest. She really wants to move into her sisters bedroom which is absolutely understandable but I am finding it difficult to broach the subject with our eldest. Bit of background information - our eldest has suffered from crippling anxiety and an eating disorder in the past, although she’s much better the anxiety is still a problem and also how she sees herself. Also when she was diagnosed the consultant said she also suspected that she is on the autism spectrum. She doesn’t really get on with her younger sisters which is very upsetting. She is very quiet and her sisters are the opposite. She has a lovely boyfriend and has come on a lot but I know if I tell her about the possibility of putting her sister in her room she will take that as she’s being pushed away. She comes home a few times a week as she gets lonely when her boyfriend is at work and they usually stay here at the weekend. I know really she shouldn’t be upset and she decided to move out to be with her boyfriend but still I am worried, but that’s not fair on her sister having a tiny bedroom when there’s an empty big room next door. Is this the part where I ask if I’m being unreasonable?!!! I don’t post very much at all!!

And you are wrong and don’t understand the issues.

It sounds as if (at least in her mind) your oldest daughter hasn't fully moved out yet. That is understandable. She is still very young.

How secure is her accommodation and her relationship with her boyfriend? There is no certainty that she won't need to move back in at some point.

I wouldn't make any changes yet. The suggestion that that you don't love your younger daughter as much or that she is "a lesser being" if you don't give her her sister's bedroom is absurd.

Your oldest daughter is very vulnerable at the moment, moving from the family home is a major life event, especially if her accommodation and relationship are not secure.

With the additional vulnerabilities you have outlined, I think your daughter should feel she has a backup if things go wrong. The box room is not the answer for now.

This

Hi, I didn’t disappear, I just wasn’t prepared for the responses. I should not have posted in hindsight. For all those people who think I prioritise my eldest daughter - I do not, I did for a while when she was admitted to hospital weighing below six stone and at risk of heart attack/stroke. And for those of you who said she’s entitled - she isn’t. She just finds some things harder than other people. She’s absolutely fine and happy with her boyfriend. I love all of my children. I appreciate all the advice and yes her sister should have the room I just wanted advice on how to go about it. I haven’t even spoken about it with my eldest so as someone said she could be absolutely fine. It’s my fault that I’ve made it sound any other way. Thank you again though.

@MayFairSquare Are you seriously claiming that having a small bedroom vs a large bedroom causes literal harm? Because that's factually impossible.

I'm saying that people who post factually untrue things like claiming they are not being ableist or that this thread is not ableist (when it is) do not understand the issues. It is a proven fact that changes of routine and moving can be difficult for people with EDs and young adults with ED history. This is literally an established, known risk factor for relapse. Telling me I'm wrong about this is just ridiculous, look up the clinical literature for yourself. This is why I'm referring to understanding. There have been specific cases of this leading to tragic outcomes. OP is being reasonable and cautious to consider her older daughter. It doesn't mean older daughter has to have the room forever! But keeping her safe has to be a priority with a serious ED history in the picture. The younger DD wanting a bigger room is valid but it's still a want, not a need. She has a bedroom in her family home!

I think hosting her and boyfriend every single weekend is too much. I presume you are feeding them too? I find that arrangement a bit strange. She needs to be more independent.
You should absolutely give the youngest child the bigger room. You’re not shutting her out, but she needs to play by your rules.

Your youngest should have the room.

My brother had moved into my old room within a day of me moving out. If I came back home for whatever reason I'd have had the box

Are you seriously claiming that having a small bedroom vs a large bedroom causes literal harm? Because that's factually impossible.

No.

I'm not claiming the small bedroom causes literal harm.

I don't believe that you are not trying to be provocative and post things that are so preposterous that they are designed to cause upset.

@Derbyderby I have an autistic DD and how I’d handle it is give her a few months’ notice that you’re changing the rooms, so she has time to adjust. And let her know the box room will be hers.

@MayFairSquare And there's your ableism coming out again.

All I'm doing is speaking up for autistic people and giving facts about the reality of anorexia, only to receive wildly insulting replies like this from posters such as you because somehow my tone is wrong... because I'm autistic, which I've been totally open about!

It's fairer to give the bigger room to the one who's there full time.

Your opinion isn't any more valid here than anyone else's.

You aren't speaking up on behalf of autistic people, you are speaking on behalf of yourself and your opinion and your experience.

OP has said she hasn't even spoken to her daughter about swapping rooms with the youngest and she's happy with her boyfriend so triggering her ED isn't the issue you seem to think either.

I won't be reading anything you advise thanks as my own ED and close family's gives me enough reference. Same with autism.

Doesn't give you the excuse to be so rude to other posters who disagree with you either.

You aren't speaking up on behalf of autistic people, you are speaking on behalf of yourself and your opinion and your experience

Exactly.

And now the OP has posted again and none of what you have claimed/projected is relevant to her situation at all.

Having autism is not an excuse to be able to ride roughshod over the feelings of everyone else. Fortunately the OP seems to be aware of this.

And it's not your tone that's wrong, it's the things that you are saying.

I was on your side on this… until your last paragraph, which is a nasty little dig at autistic people. ‘Nasty’ because it was totally unnecessary - no one was saying the DD or any other autistic person whose be able to “ride roughshod over the feelings of everyone else”.

i had 4 teenagers all living at home one time and they had to swap bedrooms every year so each had a turn in the box room the meduim sized room and two had to share the largest bedroom. Its totally unfair that your younger daughter has been stuck in the box room. Stop pussyfooting around the autistic one.

If the oldest has officially moved out, the others should have the option to move up a room and leave the box room for when your oldest visits.

I feel so sorry for you. You asked for some gentle advice and some of the responses are so unfair.
It sounds so tough.
Is there anyway you could broach it with your eldest really gently and slowly like suggesting the little one is struggling for space first and then see if she picks up the cue? If not ( and if she’s on the spectrum she might not) then try talking about decorating without saying which rooms etc just something really to ease her into the idea.
Sorry probably not much help but just wanted to say something as your daughter has taken a bashing and the black and white of the responses is totally missing the point you asked.

Any chance u could do a loft extension
keep the box room as a study 😬

She hasn’t moved out fully and she will feel pushed out before she is ready
22 is still young

I had the box room until I was 25, didn't mind

If she’s moved out then the room need to go to the youngest. She’ll be studying for exams and will be living there for a number of years. Put bunk beds in the box room and tell her she - and boyfriend - can stay over when ever they like 😆

It is tricky. My 24yo has a bigger bedroom than my youngest but she does pay housekeeping towards the house. At the moment she is staying at her boyfriends more often than she is home but not actually moved out (her boyfriend still lives at home too). Youngest feels it is unfair as she could do with the extra space (tiny box room). We are still considering the dilemma here too.

I'd give it 6 months before changing the bedrooms and give dd1 notice that it is going to happen

Lay out the problem, not the solution.

Lead your eldest to the solution, but let her think of it and her drive it. Take your time.

In this situation, change needs to be drip fed, not dumped on her.

To stop her feeling pushed out, invite her for a regular "date". Maybe try to get your whole family together for a meal a week. I hate to say this...she's just the first to move out, within 5 years you'll have an empty nest, allow her fledging to be the start of a new road into having adult children.

"X is finding her room a bit cramped now she's older."
"I'm worried we aren't getting to see as much of you, why don't you come over on Sunday" after the event..."why don't we make this a regular thing?"

Small things that lead up to the big thing.