Giving moved out daughter’s bedroom to younger sister

[Derbyderby]

Bit nervous but here goes…
We have three daughters 22, 19 and 16. The eldest has moved with her boyfriend to a lovely rented flat. We have a four bedroomed house, the fourth bedroom being a box room which is currently home to our youngest. She really wants to move into her sisters bedroom which is absolutely understandable but I am finding it difficult to broach the subject with our eldest. Bit of background information - our eldest has suffered from crippling anxiety and an eating disorder in the past, although she’s much better the anxiety is still a problem and also how she sees herself. Also when she was diagnosed the consultant said she also suspected that she is on the autism spectrum. She doesn’t really get on with her younger sisters which is very upsetting. She is very quiet and her sisters are the opposite. She has a lovely boyfriend and has come on a lot but I know if I tell her about the possibility of putting her sister in her room she will take that as she’s being pushed away. She comes home a few times a week as she gets lonely when her boyfriend is at work and they usually stay here at the weekend. I know really she shouldn’t be upset and she decided to move out to be with her boyfriend but still I am worried, but that’s not fair on her sister having a tiny bedroom when there’s an empty big room next door. Is this the part where I ask if I’m being unreasonable?!!! I don’t post very much at all!!

Yes, she has needs and challenging circumstances; but I still don't see why her younger sister has to give way to make allowances for them indefinitely.

The room was never going to be hers forever, whether younger siblings moving up to it, mum and dad moving/downsizing or whatever.

Those challenges need to be approached at some point, and I would have thought that her moving out would be the logical time to raise it. It's a positive thing that she's grown up and moved out to a place of her own, although she's always welcome to visit and stay back 'at home', of course.

If they don't do it now and let it linger, that will cement in her mind that it is her room forever, so how is she going to react when she's been living in her own home for 6 months, a year, two years, five years?

Meanwhile, her youngest sister has been waiting for 16 years for a decent sized room. She may not have autism or ED, but she will still have a natural sense of fairness, of mattering and of being considered equally important to her sisters. It's not her fault that any move will be a 'bettering' - that's only because she's already had the worst for all of this time.

As an autistic person with a history of anorexia myself I can understand why OP is so concerned and I'm glad my parents were never as harsh as some of the posters on this thread seem to think is best practice

You can't just assume because your parents weren't harsh that that's best practice.

I've never had an eating disorder and my mother used to say 'no you can't have two biscuits because that's how people get fat'.

I never gave it much thought and have a perfectly healthy relationship with food and with my mother.

not only is she least worthy of the biggest room while her siblings lived there but now she comes below an empty room in the pecking order!

I think this is crucial and should be allowed to properly sink in.

I stole my sisters room the minute she was out of the door!! No discussions 😂 if they are staying with you occasionally then can they stay in the small room?

Yes indeed being autistic and with ED should be treated sensitively and sounds like it has been.

How do you square that with the big bedroom being left empty half the time and youngest being in the box room forever more (...or more likely until as soon as she can move and I bet the OP will not see her for dust)?

The OP has three DDs. Two of whom have probably been overlooked as the OP has focused on her eldest - rightfully so but the OP is giving strong vibes of favouritism. The OP needs to get her head in that space and to support her DD to do the same. The OP has disappeared I suspect all the advice isn't what she wants to hear.

Nothing that neurotypical people say will change my mind on this, it just shows the classic Mumsnet ableism and inability to sympathise with autistic people. A parent considering the needs of an autistic child with an ED isn't actually harming their other kids no matter how much you all want to pretend that they are. That's just something you made up. A smaller bedroom isn't some human rights abuse of the sixteenth year old. Avoiding retriggering the oldest DD's eating disorder is a big deal, and it just shows you don't understand and can't empathise.

Not that I'm surprised sadly. Every time I come on this site the attitude to autistic people is the same. I'm not even saying the oldest DD necessarily should keep the room forever, just that considering her needs and not handing it over to youngest DD isn't wrong, and that giving her ongoing stability and a sense of safety matters a lot. Anyone who disagrees with that is just saying they think her needs are unimportant and they don't understand what it's like to be autistic and go through life changes. The transitional period into adulthood is well known to be challenging and moving out is actually pinpointed as high risk for young women with EDs or a history of them! Maybe do some reading before you criticise OP unfairly.

@Sepoctnov focusing on a child with a life threatening illness, which an ED is, isn't favouritism, would you call it favouritism if she had been spending her time with oldest DD on a children's ward getting chemo? I bet you would not. This is just discrimination against mental illness.

@SummerFeverVenice

Nope, failing to see any material difference. I wasn't 'quoting' her.

there's NOTHING to make anyone (except you) think she doesn't want to be alone with her boyfriend🙄🙄

Well that sounds awful, it’s horrible they said you weren’t welcome. I’m sorry you were treated like that.

What have I said that's discrimatory against people with mental health issues?

Your analogy of chemo on a children's ward is not relevant here. The issue isn't about the OP spending time or focus with her eldest, it's the simple practical issue of the youngest DD being given a fair shot at having the big bedroom and the possibility of swapping the box room for the eldest when she visits.

You're making this thread about you, the advice is not for you, it's for the OP (who doesn't look like she's returning anyway).

@verysmellyjelly Not every poster on here is NT nor are we all ED free.

Some of us are ND, many of us have had EDs. You're coming across very judgemental because you don't like the responses.

This particular young adult is suspected not actually diagnosed autistic, like many who don't meet the threshold at 22 she may very well be capable of moving out and living with her boyfriend and it's her mother enabling her not to do that.

Just because the OP said her sister weren't quiet, doesn't mean they are NT either. For all you know the 16 year olds mental health could be hanging by a thread because she's constantly ignored and her eldest sister is the priority.

Plenty of women don't get diagnosed until well into adulthood, often if one sister is ND another is likely to be too.

Every poster here doesn't need to disclaim their status and ED history before finding this situation unfair on a child.

This is very odd. Presumably you think that the box room is a perfectly adequate sleeping space or you wouldn't have made your third daughter endure it for 16 years.

It makes sense for the youngest child to get to spread her things out a bit. Older daughter presumably has most things in her new flat now so she needs less space.

If she ends up coming home full time for whatever reason, she'll be fine in a small room since her sister has managed it for, what was it? Sixteen years?

Sadly think it shines a light on the families where everyone feels secure and loved so switching a room is not a huge drama or even an issue and those with more fragile relationships where it is.

I suspect lots replying have been one of the other siblings where their childhoods have revolved around their sister or brother and its affected them for life. I don't feel like many are blaming the eldest for needing additional support or are denying her needs should be considered, but the effects on others aren't nil and are hardly ever considered which isn't fair either.

@Sepoctnov I'm not making it about me because my parents fortunately would never have behaved in the way people are recommending in this thread. I'm speaking up for autistic people, which I am not surprised is getting shouted down because it literally always does on MN because mumsnetters are ableist. And for people with EDs, especially anorexia, because it is constantly discounted as a life threatening illness. Lol at the idea that comparing it to other life threatening illnesses isn't relevant. It very much is relevant.

@Happii yes I think you're right. People are replying because of their own issues and venting frustration. I'm just sad to see the typical MN ableism coming out.

What about the needs of the younger child? Or are neurotypical young people not allowed to have needs?

@FoxtrotOscarKindaDay I don't believe that anyone who is suggesting that the prospect of potentially destabilising the older DD's mental health is unimportant actually has experience with anorexia, sorry. I'm not saying that nobody else on the thread has an ED, that would be a big assumption, you're right, but anorexia is uniquely weird and devastating. I would expect anyone who has experienced it, whether as a sufferer, a parent, or even sibling or friend, to understand that a parent would do all they could not to push a currently stable adult child back into it.

Anyone who is dismissive or takes that lightly does not know anorexia. Suggest reading some books if you are unfamiliar. (Not if you genuinely have another ED as there is a risk it could negatively influence you or trigger your behaviours.)

@TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross of course not, but see my other reply just now. The other DD's needs are being met. It's silly to claim that having a smaller room = her needs are not met. No one actually needs a large room. It doesn't harm her. The older DD doesn't need the big room either; it's not the room she needs, it's the stability and security. If it was the small room older DD had, I would be saying she should have the small room stay the same.

It's not abelism to recognise the OP has other children and that the world shouldn't revolve around just one of them. There are ways to be considerate and supportive beyond just never changing anything at the detriment of her sisters.

@Happii the constant hateful tone about autistic people is ableism by definition though. And so is the dismissal of the risk associated with eating disorders.

People aren't denying the risk, they're just saying it shouldn't always fall to the siblings to revolve their lives around mitigating it. You won't change my mind to be honest.

@Happii I don't care tbh. You're wrong and don't understand the issues.

It doesn't harm her.

You don't know that.

It would harm plenty of children to constantly have to be overlooked for a sibling.

You've got some nerve to just say it won't harm her.

And to just tell people they are wrong because they don't agree with you.

I think you are wrong.

I think youngest daughter should have the room.

If older daughter is coming home a few times a week then she clearly lives close enough that it doesn't matter that there won't be room for her boyfriend on the off chance that he wants to stay with her. If a situation occurs that can be dealt with separately.

It's not fair to keep the youngest in the box room when her sister has moved out.

As a pp said, A family cannot be held hostage by the anxiety of one child. Especially when said child is a grown adult and has a home of her own.