Fiancé has agreed to be a Guarantor - I’m not happy

[workworkbloodywork]

Not sure if I’m being highly unreasonable or fully entitled to be majorly fucked off with him.

His sister has asked him to be a guarantor on a rental that they want to upsize to as the partner has recently gone self employed.

he initially asked if I would be too but I was overseas at the time as I asked for us to discuss it when I was home.

he then said that we weren’t needed as they found someone. That then fell through and so they asked if just DF would do it. Again said let’s discuss when I’m home.

ive found out today that they have a moving date and have been packing. Turns out DF has agreed to do it without any communication to me.

so YABU - it’s family, you should think twice and just sign to dotted line asap

or YANBU - as an engaged couple, decisions that affect your family unit should be discussed at length before concluding on a decision together.

Absolutely. I think some people have an overly-sentimental view of their family dynamic "Oh, they'd never do that to me" - until they do (and often this won't be deliberate in any way, but shit happens).
Sadly, @blondeshavemorefun has been in that position and knows the pain of it - people should listen to her. I've advised three guarantors in this position who didn't understand what they'd actually committed to until they were called upon to meet that commitment and they were devastated. And as if this enormous financial worry wasn't bad enough, the two adult children and grand-child they'd stood guarantor for then blanked them when they should have been on their knees begging forgiveness. PLEASE people - JUST DON'T DO IT!!!

@AngelicKaty yep !

Don't ever do it. Not even for best friend - parents - children - spouse

So he has written confirmation from the letting agent that he is no longer the guarantor and I have seen this and feel satisfied that he has managed to get out of it that it won’t implicate me financially in any way.

Unfortunately in trying to keep a harmonious relationship between everyone, I’ve been made aware of how controlling I am and how disrespectful I am in making sure I hadn’t been included in anything. So I think it will take a long amount of time for us to have any kind of relationship going forwards.

Er, WHAT?! No, you haven't OP! You SAVED your numpty DF from making a HUGE mistake - and if he can't see that he doesn't deserve you!

You have not been controlling or disrespectful as far as your posts show!
For god's sake, all you were doing was sticking to your very sensible precautions and making sure you were not sucked into the maelstrom!
You've done the right thing. If your fiance and his family cannot see that, they have a problem

“ I’ve been made aware of how controlling I am”.

Not controlling, but part of an unequal partnership. Large financial decisions like that should be made as a team, not unilaterally.

who has said you’ve been controlling and disrespectful?

It's not controlling to be concerned about how this would affect you. I would never act as guarantor, it's one of those things where it's OK until it becomes a disaster.

Oh no my DF is fully behind me and grateful for my input in highlighting what he was signing up from and knows how his DS can behave and told me he corrected them when they raised this to him.
It appears him not agreeing to plans straight away and checking with me as I do to him when invited to things is controlling - I see this as common curtesy in a relationship but hey, she can have her opinions and can have her DB so I guess we’re both winning.

You are right OP, it is common courtesy to double check with a partner before you commit to anything. Not because one of you is controlling or to get permission, but just to check you haven't actually overlooked an existing arrangement.

You did the right thing.

Think long and hard about the type of family you are marrying into.
They sound like a right shower.

Do you have separate finances or combined? If combined I can see he should have discussed it with you first. If separate finances at the moment it's up to him as he has only put himself as guarantor. She is his sister and he obviously trusts her to pay the rent.

The LL can't take more than 5 weeks deposit but they can accept rent in advance. My nephew paid a whole years rent in advance after he was made redundant. He got another job in 2 months but LL did not know he would get another job easily.

Ha, well their opinion can be disregarded straight away - it's just a show of petulance because they didn't get what they wanted. I'm very happy to hear this hasn't come between you and DF and he recognises you did him a favour (and just as importantly, will have taught him that these sort of decisions should absolutely always be JOINT). Well done OP. 😃

Meh, she's marrying him, not his family. It sounds like they have a good relationship given his loyalty to OP in discussions with his sister and BIL and listening to OP's concerns in this matter (if he didn't understand the value of waiting for OP's input before, he's certainly shown he does now).

Doesn’t matter whether their finances are separate or not. OP has already said DF wouldn’t be able to cover the costs if they defaulted on the rent. That implicates OP - and even more so once they are married, as they’re financially linked. Credit searches would be carried out on OP’s address and him acting as guarantor could impact any mortgage application/renewal. It’s a big financial commitment, and not one to be made unilaterally if you’re in a relationship.

This. ^ All I think when I see 'I would do it in a heartbeat' is 'LOL, what a mug!' Some people are utterly clucking clueless! I swear that some people think being a guarantor is exactly the same as giving a reference!

l would provide six/twelve months rent in advance - whatever satisfied the LL and l would expect my child to put away the equivalent amount during that time so that the next year was paid for. Acting as guarantor for your child in this situation often means you’re liable for the whole of the rent, not just your childs’ contribution. Not an option.

Yeah @Rosscameasdoody I would rather pay 6 months rent in advance than sign to be a guarantor. Basically when you sign to be a guarantor, you are signing an open-ended agreement, with an infinite amount of money to pay.

.

With his family do you mean?

Or him?

Why would they need to?

I don't think landlords would accept that and I certainly don't think the other guarantors would accept one parent getting out of being a guarantor just because they had more money and could afford six months in advance. What would happen if there were any damages?

Yes it does mean that I am potentially liable for the whole lot but I would hope to be able to negotiate with the other guarantors (or take them to court) to just pay my share if the landlord was unreasonable enough to sue me for the whole lot. There are guarantor insurance schemes which state that they help with this too.

Obviously there is a risk but the benefit of my children having accommodation is higher.

Because they wouldn't be able to get any accommodation in a lot of cities.

Totally.
The "in a heartbeat" crew are very much the " not the brightest button in the box" crew🙄.

It’s really concerning to see so many posters willing to, as you say, ‘do it in a heartbeat’ while clearly demonstrating they know next to nothing about the consequences and care little about the potentially devastating effects on their own/partners finances

Especially when some of the very same folk blame everyone else when it all goes wrong

Okay so not everyone understands the ins and outs, but if you can type an online moan you can use the same computer to research - and yet it's all "Ooooo how could I have known"

OP, his family are kicking off because you are a fly in the ointment for them - they are realising they can't just exploit your fiancè's generous nature anymore because you are looking out for what's really good for him! Hence the accusations of controlling. They just don't like it that they can't exploit him anymore.