Feeling completely overwhelmed, I keep screaming into a pillow

[glassdo]

Please be kind. I don't know what's wrong with me today. I'm so fucking fed up of mum life.

My kids are two and four and it's so relentless.

I think I must just be so unhappy to be so happy overwhelmed.

Especially my two year old just doesn't fucking listen to a word I say. I can't even get him to eat anything. All he does is cry, scream and have tantrums if he doesn't get exactly what he wants.

I'm so angry today. I'm angry. It's another Sunday alone with the kids. It's been another week, dealing with my kids basically alone because my husband works away a fair amount. I'm angry because they don't listen to me ( especially the little one ). I'm angry because I work so fucking hard to keep my house tidy and clean and all they do all day is mess it up.

I am so angry because I feel like everyone thinks I'm a joke and a mess of a human and they can do it better than me. By everyone I mean my in laws, my parents and even my husband. I think he thinks I'm just a bit shit. He has no idea how much it takes for me to keep the house in the condition it's in.

I can't take it. I just want my kids to listen to me. I can't take it anymore

I'm absolutely fuming today.

Your youngest is causing you stress, and it sounds like you resent him. I think you need to make an effort to have some one to one time with him eg send oldest to nursery/school and work on enjoying his company, and letting him see that he can have fun with you. The attention he's getting from you at the moment is all negative, you need to bring some positivity into it.

Otherwise you're going to create a golden child with your eldest, and your youngest will turn into a resentful, hurt child who will act out.

If your in laws, parents, husband etc think your not coping, use this and ask them for help, so you can have one to one time with both boys, or take them both out with another adult to help.

Mu mother had a wonderfully clean house, but hardly ever played with me, and I don't rate her parenting - your house isn't a greater representation of you than your children are.

Have you tried an anti-escape clip on the buggy and/ or car seat? https://www.amazon.co.uk/Pushchair-Houdini-escapees-Escape-me-not-Journeys-Less/dp/B072J5KPTY

It might help in terms of getting out the house.

This is hard OP. You are not crap you are human. Def speak to nursery and tell them what you are seeing at home and ask for help. It is OK to ask for help. Also make appointment to see GP. In the meantime, lower your standards and just get through this, it may be a phase, but it may be that your child has additional needs. Whatever it is, it will not be like this forever. We care and most of us have felt like this at some point. You are not alone

Have you thought about selling the two year old to the circus or similar?

More seriously, have you tried that sort of manic love bombing thing? It’s something I used to do when I could feel myself losing my mind. You just sort of lean into it. Find one tiny thing they did right (literally anything. Putting their fork back on the plate. Not standing on a toy. Anything) and say “wow did you just put your fork back on your plate?! Aren’t you clever!” etc. full on manic mum. They love it. Also it’s quite easy. But you can forget to be pleased about anything when they’re being awful. Whereas if you’re actively looking for goodness to praise… do you know what I mean?

Kindly, plenty of parents have accidentally hurt their kids. It doesn't normally descend into a spiral where they feel unable to go out. Have you suffered with anxiety or similar? I've tripped over my then 5yo to catch the 3yo. It happens. Get somewhere away from roads, and let them run.

OP these ages are very testing and it's definitely made harder when you feel overwhelmed. What I've learnt the hard way is that children feed off your stress and emotions.

Sack off school work, house work ect, all this can be done a different day. If your worried about what school will say, tell them about some of the difficulties you're having at the moment. No school work is worth tears and shouting- trust me.

As for a testing two year old, be ferm but also full of praise. Praise for everything, a smile, playing nice, having a drink, using the toilet, having manors, just anything and ignore the negative. Give him choices, if you choice to do this then this will happen.

As for food, maybe he could get involved in his food, make a sandwich, cut some fruit, make breakfast muffins ect.

If all else fails I used to put mine in the bath and let them play. A wet bathroom will always dry.

Good luck

When is your husband home from work and why is he working on Sunday?

Agree, sometimes it’s easier when you’re a single parent because you just get on with it and aren’t raging at the other parent not pulling their weight!

Just sending support. It sounds like you’re very very alone with the stress and aggravation you’re experiencing. It will get easier as they get older, it really will, as you know of course but yeah, hang on in there.

Do everything to make it as easy as possible. Screen time is fine. Missing dinner now and then is fine. Banana and milk is fine.

☕️💐

You got any parks with fences around and just one exit? I used to go to them and let the DC roam for hours and just sit chatting to other mums and bring a flask of coffee maybe.
Tires the kids out so they have less energy for mayhem at home and go to bed earlier so you get more relaxing time

OP, I am so sorry. I'm not surprised you want to scream. This can't go on.
Your husband HAS to be part of this, work or no work. He has to find a way to change what he does in his job or find a different job because this situation is utterly untenable. You can't go on like this.

I was told by my parents (Asian) that after the first two times my db(s) and I were slapped, we became exemplary in our behaviour. We honestly do not remember the slapping, but I tend to believe them.

I know it's hard to get out but usually that makes such a difference. I do honestly feel that a decent chuck outside (not the garden) makes a difference to toddlers mood as well.

Will they stop having tantrums? No, but sometimes they have less when outside when they get to 'take the lead', dont have to worry about not making mess/breaking things and aren't rushed along.

Go to a field, put 2yr old in reins, let him strop outside, ignore it, zero fucks given to what other people think, let 4yr old totter about. Follow their lead, try not to rush them.

Buy some snacks from the shop rather than making anything, doesn't matter if they get messy.

It's tough, but I'd much rather be able to get out the house than be stuck inside in a constant cycle of tidying/tantrums. The noise is less grating.

Does the 2 yr old go to nursery? If so, try to not exhaust yourself about the house being super clean and tidy, it's impossible with kids without stressing yourself. As long as the main areas are clean, a bit of mess isn't a problem.

I can hear your exhaustion and rage!

First of all, this too shall pass, and give yourself a break

Lower your cleaning standards - don't know how much space you have but so long as your own bedroom is calm and tidy and your kitchen and bathroom are hygienic that is all that is really necessary.

Homework isn't necessary for primary school aged children - just tell school it won't be happening. It sounds like you could do with a bit of time with just your eldest though if little one is such a handful.

Nutrition is best looked at over a week, not a day. If its milk and banana for tea for a few weeks it's fine. Keep offering the other stuff and be chill about it either way. Might just be too tired after nursery.

Everyone else can Do One with their judgment (which may just be your perception), or be practically helpful.

I'm just re-reading your posts and wondering about your approach to snacks. Do you only let the kids have snacks after a meal? At that age I found snacks were absolutely necessary to keep them going throughout the day and keep tempers under control. We'd have breakfast, then mid-morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack, often a little something while dinner was being made, dinner and then cereal or toast before bed. They didn't eat much at any one sitting, but keeping them fed at regular intervals made everyone's life easier. Ideally most of the time you avoid things like chocolate, and go for banana, raisin, apple slices, carrot or cucumber sticks, crackers with cheese or peanut butter, dry cereal in a cup toast etc etc. Sometimes I'd do little snack plates with crackers, cheese, chopped up grapes and a couple of chocolate drops and they'd love that. You really don't need to focus on getting them to eat three full meals a day, because often that's too much for little tummies. Instead make sure they are eating regularly and having a good variety of healthy options throughout the day.

What rubbish advice. OP is telling us she's feeling rageful and struggling, you suggest slapping kids.

It's not even about whether it's right/wrong legal or not to smack children. If OP tries it in her current state there's a real risk she may lose control

I don't envy you it is hard having more then one child under 5 and managing everything else .
It does get better.
My house never stayed tidy when they were that age. It was impossible.
But now it's fine .
The reins attached to a fun backpack worked for mine . I let them pick which one they wanted and let them put a small toy in it .
Like others have said just keep repeating yourself.
Tell him we will go home if he misbehaves.

Don't put other food out . He will eat when he is hungry . But someday if all he will eat is a banana then that's not terrible.
You sound like you are doing a brilliant job .

Also what REALLY helped me was remembering that toddler tantrums and kick offs are not bad behaviour, or directed at you personally. Its just a developmental thing they kind of have to do, more or less.

OP, is there an Barnardos Family Hub near you?

www.barnardos.org.uk/get-support/support-for-parents-and-carers/family-hubs-family-centres

I swear blind these people saved my sanity when my son was a toddler. Tea, sympathy, lots of parenting strategies and support. If there's one near you, OP then I highly recommend. The support workers are so helpful.

If you don't remember how do you know they only did it twice?
Awful advice . Never have kids if you plan to hit them . And if you do have kids then shame on you if you do hit them

Mine were two years apart so I get it.
One thing that stands out in your first post is fretting about housework and mess.
Something has to give in this situation and you need to lower your standards. A messy house is fine.
As for the toys. Get some big removal boxes and put two thirds of all the toys in there and in the loft. Rotate once a month or six weeks so you only ever have a third of the toys available.

I also agree you need some one to one with the two year old.
Show this thread to your partner or parents. Ask for help.

Getting somewhere and the 2yo running off - have you tried giving him tablet or phone for 20 mins e.g. so you can walk/drive somewhere or wait at Dr etc? You might frown on this but needs must. Ignore the judgy looks. You have to do what makes it work.

Nursery - increase hours. Massively. Get time off for yourself to recover and in a few MONTHS not weeks, look for work to help pay for nursery. Plenty of children go 3-5 full days at nursery and have a great time. Again ignore the judgy comments from other mums, your mum etc. Inform DH this is the only way to avoid you being completely incapacitated (e.g. mental/physical burnout/breakdown) at which point he'd have to stump up for nursery anyway. I'm not joking!

Reception homework - nah. Bin that off. It's not mandatory and now is not a good time to try and start that routine.

Put your own needs first. It's OK to admit it's all gone Pete Tong and you need to recalibrate the structure of your life.

It sounds horrendous op. First and foremost your dh needs to start stepping up. If he can't physically be there to support you then the LEAST he can do is have your back and offer emotional support and recognise all the work you put into enabling him to have a nice family life and home. The very very least.

Other than that I'd wonder if you can outsource a bit? Could you hire a cleaner to help with the housework or would any of your friends have an older kid who would babysit for some money even when you're at home so you can have some down time? How hands on and supportive is your dh when he's home?

I'm a single parent with a 2 year old and often I'm very thankful I've just got him because he's a handful in himself! They are just little tornadoes at that age.

Things I find that help are:
I involve him in what I'm doing. If I'm doing laundry he will be helping me, same with cooking or tidying or gardening. He's happy when I can give him a "job" to do.

Have a tuft tray for messy play in the playpen so the mess gets contained. Even better stick it outside.

We do a freeze game so if he starts to run off I shout freeze and he has to freeze like a statue. I try to make as much as I can into a game so it seems fun even when it's really not.

Pick your battles. There's times mine has gone to bed having had cereal for dinner because it's just been A DAY and I needed him to go to bed earlier.

I think you need to forgive yourself for the accident when you were out. These things happen. To all of us. And others are correct, it's significantly easier being out with a plan than being in the house.

When mine starts to tantrum I let him scream. I say I know it's very hard to feel disappointed. Or yes I can see you're angry because you can't have x. I just name what's happening, let him cry and then offer him a hug when he's ready. I'm there to support him through the tantrum not to "fix" it. So if they're going to cry at the table because they want to walk around and eat their food, let them.

You need to step back from the housework. I do the bulk of mine when ds is in bed asleep. The only things I do during the day when he's awake are dishes, cooking and giving the floor a quick sweep. If I could afford a cleaner I'd have one.

Could you afford to reduce your hours in work? Or could your husband adjust his work schedule to be home more? Use the nursery. Ask them what strategies they use for behaviour management that work and then do the same at home.

You are one person and if it feels hard that's because it is hard. You're burning out and you need to find ways to refill your cup and you need to lay this out crystal clear to your dh.

Please ignore all the parenting advice. You are doing really well.
Sometimes, life gets too much. Ring the GP in the morning and discuss options for help. Get signed off work for 2 weeks with stress/exhaustion and reset yourself. Speak to your husband about adjusting his working patterns to be at home more often.
If you can afford it, buy ready meals for a couple of weeks and don't bother cooking. If your children don't eat, don't stress about it.
If there is anyone who can help with drop/pick ups or the odd playdate, take the offer!

I’d advise against this in general anyway as it’s just fear curbing behaviour not social education (I was hit as a child) and this is also illegal in a lot of countries, not sure where OP is but it’s illegal where I live.