Feeling completely overwhelmed, I keep screaming into a pillow

[glassdo]

Please be kind. I don't know what's wrong with me today. I'm so fucking fed up of mum life.

My kids are two and four and it's so relentless.

I think I must just be so unhappy to be so happy overwhelmed.

Especially my two year old just doesn't fucking listen to a word I say. I can't even get him to eat anything. All he does is cry, scream and have tantrums if he doesn't get exactly what he wants.

I'm so angry today. I'm angry. It's another Sunday alone with the kids. It's been another week, dealing with my kids basically alone because my husband works away a fair amount. I'm angry because they don't listen to me ( especially the little one ). I'm angry because I work so fucking hard to keep my house tidy and clean and all they do all day is mess it up.

I am so angry because I feel like everyone thinks I'm a joke and a mess of a human and they can do it better than me. By everyone I mean my in laws, my parents and even my husband. I think he thinks I'm just a bit shit. He has no idea how much it takes for me to keep the house in the condition it's in.

I can't take it. I just want my kids to listen to me. I can't take it anymore

I'm absolutely fuming today.

I think you should open up to your GP about everything you have found tough on here. You deserve to be listened too and I am sure they can help.

I got some bad feedback about my son from nursery today. It's definitely unusual and I wonder whether it's linked to my shouting at the weekend.

He hit his friends today quite a few times when fighting over toys and also tried do bite them and bit the teacher. 🥺

They were really sweet about it and said that he did understand and was kind some of the time and it was out of character for him.

He's bitten me before but only when he's really happy.

I can't help but feel responsible. I just need to let stuff go.. especially the mess. I can't keep showing my children that I'm at breaking point by losing control of myself. It's clearly having an impact. I need a break or something.

Maybe if I just went to a hotel for one night and a day, it could help. Not sure if it would just make it worse to come back to the chaos though.

I definitely think I've been feeling worse recently since school has started. Maybe I really do need to give anti depressants a go. I just never wanted to mess with my brain chemistry, hence I didn't ever take them before.

Maybe if I just went to a hotel for one night and a day, it could help.

I would hope it would least be eye opening for your husband who might then dial down his judgmental comments a bit.

You need a plan of action to make things better for yourself and help you with the children and the various pressures you are coping with. It's a heavy burden, considering you have been unwell - which seems to be being overlooked and unaddressed - are practically and emotionally unsupported by husband, parents and in-laws and assailed by doubt and feelings of guilt or failure, largely brought on by their lack of support, coupled with carping and fault finding.

Can you make up your mind to take one step? Choose which one and do it. You have several possibilities - one would be to drop your hesitation or fears, throw away caution and have a good clear truthful conversation with husband, telling him straight that he is not pulling his weight and you have had enough: you are unsupported, he has no empathy or consideration for you and that you have reached a point of no return and he has to step in and do more, if he wants to have a wife and mother to the children / if he doesn't want to see you carried out on a stretcher.

An alternative approach with husband would be to take action instead. Decide you are going out on Saturday morning / afternoon / night etc, tell him you are going and it's his turn to be on duty, and go, leaving him to it and to the tender mercies of the children.

Another option would be to speak to your mother and tell her you have reached exhaustion and crisis point and need some respite and help from her and your father. (I say both of them but I really think of the mother as being the one, no doubt because of my own experience of family and women) Why isn't she aware of this already? Why isn't she helping you? I don't get this. Did she know you were unwell and have a health condition? If she doesn't know, why do you hesitate to tell her or ask for help? Throw away your doubt and go and ask her.

An alternative would be to ask social services, health visitor (as has been mentioned by some posters) or local parents' charity, if there is one, to help you get help. Why not go and do that if you feel you can't with husband or parents?

Another avenue would be paid help with the children and house - an au pair or occasional temporary nanny to give you one evening off a week, say, or a half day or night away at the weekend.

Please stop suffering with pressures, guilt, worry and exhaustion and make changes, one way or another. The GP is another option as many have suggested. I am not convinced about anti-depressants being an answer when what you need is moral and practical support and consideration but that's just a personal view and not necessarily one you or others may share.

I'm just going to print out that your child has two parents - where's hubby's responsibility for behaviour? Also if hubby and everyone else and their goat is berating you at every opportunity, of course your son is going to pick up undesirable behaviour- that is on them, not on you. Please give yourself some grace. You are surrounded by muppets - time to tell them to either give proper help (or in the case of hubby, actually step up and do some parenting!) Or fuck off. Massive hugs x

Hey OP my heart goes out to you. I too, screamed into a pillow a few times this week! You are not alone. Parenting is so fucking hard especially when you have a kid who is just relentless. Antidepressants might be a good shout, i’m thinking of taking them
again too, but also you need a serious talk with your DH and you MUST MUST MUST get a break. Hotel spa weekend to yourself sort of break.

I think of anti depressants a bit like pain killers. They don't really fix anything, they just give you a temporary break from the pain which enables you to function better so you can start taking action to improve things for yourself that would have been too overwhelming otherwise.

This is a really good way of wording it.

I think people take antidepressants and expect to feel happiness which isn't the goal and many get upset when they feel emotionally stunted but it's like taking painkillers and expecting euphoria, instead of just not being able to feel the pain.

I'm a big advocate for a combination of talking therapy and medication but you've got to be lucky enough to have access to NHS talking therapies or be able to afford private. It can be hard seeing your personal progress without it, but it's definitely something that should be a necessity and not a luxury which is apparently is these days.

I hope your week is getting somewhat better OP and you have had a bit of time to yourself 💕

Jesus, your husband is a useless, judgemental streak of piss. He’s a failure of a parent.

Hi, it sounds so, so stressful. I really feel
for you . Just coming at it from a different angle have you considered an aspect of it might be hormonal?

I don’t know your age but in your mid to late 30’s your progesterone and your testosterone starts to tank. Which really can mess with your moods , tolerance and energy ( not saying you have to have a hormonal imbalance to feel stressed by what sounds like essentially lone parenting!!).

the only way we make pr0gesterone is by ovulating . If you don’t ovulate you don’t have any progesterone.

if you do ovulate you might not be making enough pr0gesterone. To check you need to get your oestrogen and progesterone bloods done 5-7 days post ovulation then you calculate the ratio between the two . If it’s less than 100 you’re not making enough.

you can test your testosterone any time .

progesterone is a calming and anti -anxiety hormone . However it also shares its metabolic route and precursors with cortisol . When you’re chronically stressed you don’t make progesterone you make more and more cortisol and then it’s like a negative feedback loop.

I’m only mentioning it because I had low prOg and testosterone and I didn’t know what was wrong with me and doctors kept trying to give me ADs and it was a hormonal issue . I’ve spent a long time researching it .

Not at all saying you’re not in a stressful
situation but just suggesting another idea.

Oh noo, you are doing amazing! Please take all the time you need to be angry and shout and feel sorry for yourself. Motherhood is bloody hard! You are not alone, I promise. I raised two kids on my own as husband was also working away al the time. House was a shit bomb too. We are very critical of ourselves, don't let anybody else's opinions to bring you down. Straighten your crown Queen❤️

Does the 2 year old eat at nursery?

My daughter was a great eater until about 2-3. Then we started loosing foods, so she would refuse food she had previously enjoyed. It was exhausting.

I gave in in the end and just gave her what she wanted. Fed is best.

She’s 16 now and a couple of professionals have suggested she may be autistic. She doesn’t want a diagnosis as she mainly manages fine, but it has taken bucket loads of me being a bit over protective in managing her routines and needs against others who think I am being a pushover/overprotective.

Speak to nursery and ask to discuss the behaviour - they know your child and are also trained to help. They may have some suggestions to help you.

1. speak to your GP
2. speak to your husband. You need a day off and a cleaner. Just for a while
3. give yourself a break re his nutrition. Get some good quality vitamins in (like Animal Parade) and let him have just the milk and a banana if he refuses food. For a month.
4. bag up all their toys apart from 3 each into bullies and put in loft. Rotate the 3 toys each every 2 weeks.

Also, your husband needs to be left alone with the kids for an entire weekend and DO NOT prepare anything - food etc. When you return, ask why the children haven’t had a nutritious meal and why the house is not spotless.

This! You have more stamona than they do. Does the little one go in a stroller? Even better because you have control.

Don't you have a sreoller. Once in there, he can't run ooff. The garden isn't an option, it's not going to wear him out.

Somehow you have to show him who'se boss. What's happening now will just get worse later. If he won't sit at the table don't give him anything to eat.Eventually he'll cotton onto the relationship between table and food.He won't let himself die of hunger.

I haven't read all the comments but I imagine there is lots of advice about 'gentle parenting' which is fashionable these days. I dare to say that 'gentle parenting' is only suitable for 'gentle children'. Till he's 16, it's Mummy knows best. Don't let him see you cringe or cry or even raise your voice. He has to recognize that there are consequences to refusing to obey.

I just Googled this ' It may take the entire second year to get your children to consistently obey, but by age three, you should start to see consistent obedience.

So you can start the countdown ! BTW was the elder brother like this and how does he react?

Oh, hon. These terrible twos are over the top!

Here are a couple of things that helped me. First, with the husby who was always saying, "I just don't know what you do all day," I left town and he took over for a couple of days. That's all it took. With the family I let them know that I did NOT want their judgments, and I had to stop talking to them about him. I did let them know what they could do if they wanted to help (which of course they didn't).
I also insisted that if he wasn't going to be around to give me a break on the weekends, he had to use some of that big money he was earning to hire some help. This applied for a single weekend or on the regular.
And finally, and most importantly, get that child evaluated! Perhaps he's on the autism spectrum. Maybe he has some abdominal issues. Even if it's "just" terrible twos, you need support handling it. We are just not trained how to deal with it without resorting to yelling or even suicidal thoughts! There are behavior interventions that might help; I don't know if they are in the UK, but in the US they are from birth through the school system if the kid qualifies.

When I got so angry that I though I could yell or even hit, I told him that I was putting myself in time out. I would then go in my room and lock the door. Of course this took some "childproofing" the place in advance, but it REALLY helped, as he did NOT like it!
Above all, GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK!! We all have days where we parent in the least effective way. We're human. These little people don't come with User's Manuals, and every one of them is different! This one sounds particularly challenging. You're doing the best you can. Remind yourself of that.

Maybe you are depressed so have a chat with your GP, or confide in someone that you are having a really hard time (It happens to all of us)
Get the two year old reins and maybe the four year old too so they can’t run off when you go to the park. Find a way of securing the buggy straps to do up at the back or maybe the reins could be attached the the buggy. Get a chain and padlock to secure the gate. Forget the pristine house and play games with your children. Bad behaviour is usually an attempt to get attention - and it works, doesn’t it - only in a negative way, which is an endless cycle of resentment. Put a large polythene sheet on the floor and let them use play dough. If the day is not too cold have a messy painting session outside. Be silly so they can laugh at you. It’s geat to see mum with a blob of paint on her nose. No child starves itself so don’t worry. Don’t give snacks to fill up and sooner or later a hungry child will realise if he doesn’t eat what he is given there’s no alternative.
I used to be ridiculously house proud and beat myself up if I couldn’t get stuff done. Then one day I found my two year old skating around the kitchen floor in a puddle of sauce brown sauce he’d taken out of the fridge, with his shoes and socks neatly placed at the doorway I almost cried. That was the day I realised that the pressure I put on myself was affecting my children. The minute I gave up and realised that spending the time with them was more important, things got much better, so give it a try it may help. X

No child starves itself so don’t worry.

Maybe not actually to death but some kids will push it quite a long way. DS aged about 4 started saying he wanted to die because he couldn't eat the food at nursery (and consistently didn't eat lunch and came home ravenous).

I would do the opposite, take healthy snacks around with you and relax about only eating at mealtimes. The kids will probably be much less difficult if they're not hangry.

This was and is still my life but I have a 10 month old added in. My son is now 3.5 in nursery 3 hours every morning. Soon as he gets home it's just chaos.

I stopped taking them out by myself too because it becomes dangerous. He lets himself out of car seat, runs off l. I completely get it.

And people have been telling me for years (in-laws) "it's all how you parent, don't let them do it" iVE fucking tried for 2 years since he became 1 and it all started!!! I didn't let him cross any boundaries. He just doesn't listen.

Hugs to you
If you can try put him in nursery x

Aw I wish I could give you a hug. My son is exactly the same. I validate all of this. I believe you and know exactly how it is.

Your partner is awful. sadly if he didn't change, I can't see this marriage lasting. Get thee to a hotel and see how he responds.

Your house doesn’t have to be perfect! Try to be calm difficult I know. Start having some boundaries if they do things like you said give them a consequence to it. It’s hard to do it’s repetitive but they soon realise if they keep doing it they will be on the naughty step not have a favourite toy etc. it works and quite quickly kids need boundaries. Can the youngest go to nursery play group a few hours a week to have time with other kids? Also speak to your husband tell him when he is home he needs to help parent as well! Have an agreement so he can have them for a few hours so you to go out meet a friend have a coffee lunch or just to have you time. Otherwise he will have a burned out wife. Don’t let other people tell you how to parent there’s no handbook! But after ending up as a single Mum I found kids need boundaries routine. It’s good for them its structure. They also need to be praised when they are good. Shouting I found never worked just made me more frazzled. Be kind to yourself as well. It’s hard. I don’t want to offend but you sound overwhelmed possibly depressed which is understandable speak to your GP. Good luck.