Feeling completely overwhelmed, I keep screaming into a pillow

[glassdo]

Please be kind. I don't know what's wrong with me today. I'm so fucking fed up of mum life.

My kids are two and four and it's so relentless.

I think I must just be so unhappy to be so happy overwhelmed.

Especially my two year old just doesn't fucking listen to a word I say. I can't even get him to eat anything. All he does is cry, scream and have tantrums if he doesn't get exactly what he wants.

I'm so angry today. I'm angry. It's another Sunday alone with the kids. It's been another week, dealing with my kids basically alone because my husband works away a fair amount. I'm angry because they don't listen to me ( especially the little one ). I'm angry because I work so fucking hard to keep my house tidy and clean and all they do all day is mess it up.

I am so angry because I feel like everyone thinks I'm a joke and a mess of a human and they can do it better than me. By everyone I mean my in laws, my parents and even my husband. I think he thinks I'm just a bit shit. He has no idea how much it takes for me to keep the house in the condition it's in.

I can't take it. I just want my kids to listen to me. I can't take it anymore

I'm absolutely fuming today.

Any chance the 2 year old could have a couple of days in nursery, or more, and you can have those days to yourself? Are you planning on returning to work at some point?

This. It's golden advice. I have total empathy with you being absolutely knackered, but you have to stop giving in and making a rod for your own back.

Sorry I just saw you have a garden

Get them out there...if you can't take them to the park, get in the garden with them. If it's cold, wrap up. Give them a picnic lunch in the garden so they can eat out there.

are your kids ok now ? How did they turn out ?

I don't judge you at all.

He does and I work.

I'd up the days and have a day off a week when both the kids are in childcare/school.

Very similar approach. Never did much with them. Didn’t enjoy kiddie things. They’re 27 and 35 now and it didn’t harm them in the slightest

Importantly, at least to begin with I'd use that day to do nothing at all or do whatever makes you happy, not housework or work or any kind of drudgery.

If all he wants is a banana or chocolate after nursery,why can't he have a banana? That and a glass of milk is fine if that's all he wants. It doesn't have to be home cooked masterpiece.

You talk about how long you spend getting the house THIS good. Can you lower your standards? Ok stuff has to be clean, safe, hygienic etc but a bit of mess is fine. Some nights I just don't have the energy to put away the toys they'll pull out in 12 hours so I don't. If I had space I'd have a dishwasher.

How much does DH do when he's home? How often is he home? Do your families know you're struggling?

I am very laid back with low expectations and it's helped me to just pick my battles. If sitting at the table is stressful for everyone just plonk them on the sofa with a blanket on their laps to eat.

If you use screens to get some peace don't stress about it.

It's so relentless and can be miserable and horrid when they are at that age but just try and not sweat the small stuff.

I think you aren't getting enough support from the adults around you and it's transferring into anger at the kids behaviour.

I've had days like this and it is SO frustrating trying to keep a house on a relatively sane order with two little kids running around.

Get out, get the kids sorted and in bed and just chill tonight. Then I think you need to start looking at your support structures - why and when do you feel undermined but husband, in laws, parents etc? Are they undermining you or are you feeling prickly because you're worn down (not trying to invalidate but I've had times when I've felt very judged but I wasn't, I was just tired and stressed and sensitive). If they are genuinely this unhelpful, can you expand you social circles/support structures in anyway? Can you have productive conversations with your husband to convey how you feel? If not, would counselling be of any use?

I'm really sorry you're feeling like this, it is so hard and especially if you're not feeling seen and heard

I don't know, I just feel more comfortable if he's had a meal- rather than just milk, or chocolate and a banana.

I'm trying to them that they get snacks and desert type things after they have a meal and not around the clock. Maybe I should relax about it but my husband gives me a hard time and so does my mum / anyone who's seen this happen

Op, why do you feel the need to keep a tidy house at all times, is this what your other half expects? We have a toddler, so not two kiddies like you, but she’s a handful at the best of times, so I just spot clean the house when I feel really tired/overwhelmed/stressed (I also work full time). Ditch the cleaning and try to steal some me time. Your husband should do house chores more.

Get yourself a day off. Book the 2yo into nursery and chill. Your cup needs refilling.

Lower your standards.

Get the 2yo out, by hook or by crook. They need walking twice a day at that age. Find something he will tolerate, scooter, balance bike, rucksack with handle. Make. The 4yo responsible and big them up. Pick your battles too. If you have a park with a fence round, that's a good place to start. We have one with one exit/entrance and it was a godsend ruth kids this age. Worth the faff of getting out.

Have nursery suggested additional needs in the 2yo? Even if they haven't, start reading about parenting children with additional needs.

@FeedingThem my house isn't great by any means in terms of mess. Also it makes me feel completely overwhelmed how messy it gets. I can't function and I'm more likely to lose it, if it's a mess.

I'm getting rid of most of their toys. I can't take it anymore. Sometimes they just empty stuff and the fuck off. Actually, that's what they do most of the time and very rarely do they listen to me and help me tidy up.

Do the other people know I'm struggling ?

NO ONE gives me any credit or has any idea what I go through every day. NO ONE. It's just a given that I'm dealing with it. No one gives a fuck. No one.

I agree with PPs re food. I wouldn't give chocolate, but milk and a banana is fine.

With the house, if you have the option, make one room the "mess" room and accept the mess for the day. Tidy up just before bed. They're too young to tidy as they go.

OP your situation is absolutely shit. Your DH and wider family are a disgrace. They should ALL be around and helping you. Parenting a toddler is a 2 man job. You cannot keep giving and cooking and tidying and parenting without rest and breaks. Can you afford help? If so pay for it, get a nanny or even a young girl or boy to help with you there. We did this.

If you want another approach on the parenting thing I followed the Philippa Perry advice in the book you wish your parents had read. It worked and continues to work well for me.

We all care.

Being out helps with the mess, if you're not there, they can't make it. Or shove them in the garden and shut the door. Can. The 2yo unlock a door? If not, use locks.

Nursery haven't suggested anything like that for him. They say he's really good and only sometimes needs to put on his listening ears. In terms of development he's pretty spot on/ advanced.

Do you think he could have additional needs ? Does it sound like it could be adhd or more ASD?

That's what kids do though, tip out the toy box and leave a trail of carnage.

Banana and milk is fine for a 2 year old. He won't starve.

Put food in front of him and take it away if he won’t eat it. Repeat. We went over 24 hours when my toddler did this (she was still breastfeeding s had milk and water) but she succumbed in the end.

I’d have to get out of the house in this situation for my benefit more than theirs, full waterproofs, reins for the pain in the arse. I probably wouldn’t bother with the park, used to walk in the woods but it depends how rural you are.

He can open the garden doors and for one of the doors I can't get the key out, it's stuck. I need to have it taken care of, so he can't just go out. My garden is safe but I still would never let him out unsupervised of course because you just never know.

It sounds really stressful and you have my sympathy! As a mum of a ten and seven year old I can tell you it definitely does get easier! I found the only thing that helped at that stage was getting out of the house. I get what you're saying about safety, but it's worth asking about locally to find out about safe places to let them run off steam. We had membership at a farm park place which had a huge outdoor area with lots to do and good lines of sight so I could let the older one run off and explore a bit keeping an eye on him from a distance while I stayed closer to the little one. I had a likeminded friend with kids of a similar age and we used to go together sometimes and tag team the kids which gave us both a bit of a break and a bit of adult chat. I also used to go to the big soft plays. Harder to keep a very close eye on them, but by the time my two were 2.5 and 5 they'd run off and play while I could relax with a coffee and they'd totally tire themselves out. As long as there is a secure entry and exit system I am sure you can let them have a bit of freedom at 2.5 and 4. Going out was so much better for me than staying in the house because I felt like when I was at home I should be keeping the house tidy. Going out meant the house couldn't get any worse!

I also wonder if it would help to speak to your GP or health visitor? I was so stressed out when my kids were little I felt like I couldn't switch off my stress response and ended up getting beta blockers which really helped. They slow your heart beat down so that the physical symptoms of feeling really stressed out are reduced and that really helped me get my thoughts more under control and keep my cool.

Having fewer toys probably will help with play as too much stuff can be overwhelming for them. You don't have to get rid of things, just box them up and then rotate occasionally.

Quite frankly, fuck what your family and your husband think about what you're doing. They're not there taking the responsibility with you. A banana and a glass of milk after nursery is absolutely fine. If you want to make it more of a meal, add a small sandwich or similar and make it a picnic plate. Absolutely fine to do that rather than cook a hot meal.

Your anger at being abandoned and left to do it all, and then being criticised, is what is fuelling the lack of patience and stress with the children. If your husband genuinely doesn't care about how you're feeling, then there's a much bigger question for you about where to go with that in the longer term, unfortunately.

I just don't think you can understand how stressful any type of outing is with this 2 year old on your own. I literally hurt my older child, trying to catch my younger one.

I can't think of anything worse than walking in the woods where they could both run off and hide and potentially get lost.

I would absolutely do it with another adult and absolutely love the idea and enjoy going into nature.