Feeling completely overwhelmed, I keep screaming into a pillow

[glassdo]

Please be kind. I don't know what's wrong with me today. I'm so fucking fed up of mum life.

My kids are two and four and it's so relentless.

I think I must just be so unhappy to be so happy overwhelmed.

Especially my two year old just doesn't fucking listen to a word I say. I can't even get him to eat anything. All he does is cry, scream and have tantrums if he doesn't get exactly what he wants.

I'm so angry today. I'm angry. It's another Sunday alone with the kids. It's been another week, dealing with my kids basically alone because my husband works away a fair amount. I'm angry because they don't listen to me ( especially the little one ). I'm angry because I work so fucking hard to keep my house tidy and clean and all they do all day is mess it up.

I am so angry because I feel like everyone thinks I'm a joke and a mess of a human and they can do it better than me. By everyone I mean my in laws, my parents and even my husband. I think he thinks I'm just a bit shit. He has no idea how much it takes for me to keep the house in the condition it's in.

I can't take it. I just want my kids to listen to me. I can't take it anymore

I'm absolutely fuming today.

I suspect your mum has her rose tinted glasses on remembering how well she did. Some things you just forget. Don’t listen to it.

I have felt this… the overwhelming urge to just scream.

get help. How often is he in nursery? Can he go more days? Where are these parents and in laws that appear to be childcare experts? Friends with or without kids you could go out with? Always easier when someone else is around. It sounds like you are at breaking point so time to ask for help. I think as a culture we don’t ask for help when we need to - but if any friend of mine text me and said they were struggling I would do whatever I could - play dates, going out as a group, offer to babysit.

Oh I think you and I could be great friends! I've got one but I remember that two year old stage well. Love the suggestions of getting them outside, tire them out... NOTHING tires them. Nothing. Then you'll have to deal with the judgy strangers when they're crying/running off/throwing themselves about. And that's always fun isn't it?
No, throw them in the garden. If they won't sit at the table, suggest a picnic, put a beach towel on the floor and leave them to it. Put cbeebies on. Tidy once they've gone to bed or don't. Make a meal that can be reheated quick so if he decides he wants to eat an hour past dinner time you don't have to listen to 30 minutes of screaming while you're cooking the meal right before his very eyes.
Screaming into pillows is fine. Acceptable.

Tell husband, parents and in laws that you are in awe of their perfection (as am i) so it sounds like they can do so much better therefore, it'll be great for them to come watch the kids for the day, while you go off and think about your actions. You'll come back once they're asleep... if they don't want to do that then suggest that they keep unwanted opinions to themselves. If they can't do what you do in a day, they've got no right to tell you how to do things.

They calm down gradually from three. In the meantime you'll be told to take it all in, they don't stay little for long. These people have either forgot what it's like in the trenches or they had one of those very rare, hardly seen in the wild, well behaved toddler.

Are they bored as well if they are rarely going out and then when they do, going repeatedly to the small soft play centres? Going to new places and doing activities like swimming, farm parks, train rides, little fair, museums, library, a cafe, cooking cakes at home are all things children love and will stimulate them, use up energy and help with their social and cognitive development. It sounds like a very negative environment with not a lot of stimulation going on. Do you do littler things like take them to the library to choose books etc? Sticking the tv /ipad on isn't a solution if they are absolutely bored. They will act up more. Your fear over going out because you accidentally hurt your 4 year old slightly doesn't make sense. It sounds like a slight bump and that sort of thing happens all the time with children. Don' stop taking them out, Op. It will help with your anxiety and negativity if you can get some manageable trips out planned. Remember, things don't need to be perfect at first, just manageable.

Sounds like the adults around you are not giving you any practical support or emotional support so stop caring about what they think!

Prioritise enjoying your time with your children, I know at the moment you're trying your best to survive! Try to let go of what you 'should be doing' or how they should be 'listening'. Think about what is really important to you in terms of the house, maybe one adult only space is always tidy so you can be calm and relax there? If you can stop caring about what the adults around you think, you'll be so much happier!

Nursery haven't suggested anything like that for him. They say he's really good and only sometimes needs to put on his listening ears. In terms of development he's pretty spot on/ advanced.

This struck such a chord. I think it's as PP suggested upthread, by a 'new adult'. Your son knows that mum will always love him and not let him get hurt with his antics. He doesn't realise how dangerous they are because he's 2. At nursery, he's surrounded by peers and also adults that he doesn't know well. So he behaves because he can't count on them to accept him/his behaviour whatever he does.

I also agree with PP that a banana and milk is fine. He will only learn if he's taught and he will not starve. I get that you would feel more comfortable with 'a meal' but, what is a meal exactly? It's nutrients - banana and milk (if that's all he will eat) is adequate. Your little boy needs to learn who is boss!

Your husband needs to be told what's what - and also that he is to be standing up for you with his children and with his extended family. Anything else and he can get in the bin because kids pick up on any 'weaknesses' very fast even if they don't understand them - a united front or else.

I do allow it a lot of the time, but recently this will be his diet and I just don't feel good about it and my husband is on at me about it a lot too:

My sister in law bought a massive pack of cocopos the other day and now he's obsessed. He will consistently ask me for cocops all day. He'll pull a chair up to get to the cupboard..

Anyway yeah so he'll start with that. And he'll keep asking for more, maybe 5 times and if I don't give it- he'll just keep screaming until I do..

Then he'll eat bananas- maybe 5 - I'm not kidding.. he'll just keep going. Today I was trying to give him a veggie soup with pasta which he used to love. But he was fixated on the bananas and screamed at me until I gave him 5 or so. This is not unusual for him.

Then he'll have milk.

Later, I'll probably try to give him some dinner but he'll refuse and will probably only settle for a whole little basket of cherry tomatoes. Maybe he'll have some toast as well

Milk.

He does really like fruit as you can see, so I guess that's good. But he's not really eating anything substantial.

He's obsessed with bananas.

my kid turned out just fine. I did get a bit of judgement from some parents because my child was difficult to control sometimes if we went to parties. I had to pretend to parent and act like everything was normal because I had no idea what to do if they reached the meltdown phase so I just placated to avoid it. We also didn’t do any homework through primary school because I couldn’t handle the fights.
Funnily enough my child is now a teen and tells me everything that’s going on in their life and we talk it all through. I thought I’d end up with a delinquent on my hands but I guess the low energy parenting was the best fit. Their grades are pretty crap though so there is that 🤷

Are you in an abusive relationship OP?

You sound as if you might be?
Your husband is a bully, undermines you, speaks badly to you and about you?

It sounds so hard.
Have you thought about how you are being treated?

Does he look after the children on his own at all?

What is your housing/ work situation?

In your place I would be packing a bag and heading off dor a few days peace next friday and leave him to it for the weekend.

No warning, just tell him to collect the children from nursery and simply not come home.

Stop all contact with your in laws too.
You need to stand up for yourself.

AHH it's so bloody hard isn't it.
I had 3 under 5.
The eldest has ASD, the middle ADHD, luckily the youngest was the calmest most laid back child ever. I was a stay at home mum for 5 years, I remember that after a full on day, DH would arrive home to find me sat on the stairs, coat on with my car keys in my hand and I'd run out of the door and leave him to it.
Our house was untidy, but so what? The DC had clean clothes, were fed as healthily as possible and were loved.

One thing that stands out to me is do you think it's at all possible that yours are over stimulated? Do you ever just drag a duvet in front of the TV, give them a bag of wotsits and stick a Disney film on? Mine could have acted in Mary Poppins they watched it so many times.

Other ideas to give me a bit of peace were giving them a pot of water and a paintbrush and getting them to paint the fence. Giving them a long bit of guttering and propping it up on the sofa to make a slide for cars and teddies or just sticking swimming cozzies on and playing in the bath for an hour.

If there is an ND issue then most ND kids like to know in advance what is happening next and find security in routine.

If it helps at all, I survived, the DC survived, they all went through uni and have great careers. You will get there lovely. Look after yourself and don't feel bad for making time for yourself.

We do those things - I just won't do them alone with them, which I don't think is that strange. First and foremost, they need to be safe.

They won't enjoy the farm again if they get run over by a car because they ran into the road on the way there ! Full stop.

Why wouldn't he be? Not everyone is office based 9-5 Mon to Fri. What a weird question

The judgey pants older women in your life is all you need when you feel like this. Your husband sounds like a pleb too.

Perhaps the screaming should be aimed in their direction and not in the pillow? Or just use the pillow to batter them with? (Joking, obviously. Or am I? 🤔)

So sorry for you really it’s so unbelievably fucking hard. I’d come and take them off your hands/help you wrangle them if I wasn’t an internet stranger.

I get it about the house being a mess being overwhelming, but let it go if you can. If you get a moment (sorry) try and read “how to keep house while drowning”. It might help.

I wouldn’t worry too much about SEN at this age, some might disagree, but I think toddlers are just arseholes 95% of the time.

Oh bless you. I hear you. This could have been me yesterday. My nearly 2 year old twins were relentless yesterday- such hard work. My husband was supposed to have them so I could go out have some much needed time with friends. They were so bad I had to stay with him. I made a throwaway comment about looking forward to going out and that’s it. He blew up. I’m better today but my mental health all time low. Stressed- working 4 days a week as a deputy head, twins under 2 and a 7 year old (thank goodness she’s an angel). I am
permanently anxious at the minute 😢 my house is a shot hole I feel like I'm
making mistakes at work. But today is a better day. Nothing I can say to help but your not alone x x x

Gosh, I think this could be spot on - the little one is hangry. He needs regular fuel.
Also, get a little life rucksack, mine found it more acceptable than reins, but it did the same thing.

Remove the coco pops from the house , it's that simple. If he doesn't see them, he cant get to them.

Someone can buy them but you dont have to keep them. "Oh no, they had gone bad,had to throw them".

Bowl of cherry tomatoes for dinner, no problem. He's fed, has fruit, milk, water etc.

Something has to give somewhere.

You want results to change but want to keep everything the same... you're frustrating yourself here..

You need to ease up on something.

Your husband can moan all he wants about food and is free to try things when he is at home but if you try to please everybody, you'll please nobody, as we see here.

I can hear how stressed you are and I feel awful for you.

Staying home and stressing about food and what others will say about the food isn't working for you. Let go somewhere.

Speak to your husband and let him know the changes you are making. If he doesn't like them, he can pick up those duties.

Your posts really do take me back, but gave similar age gap by the sounds of it. Mine are 18 and nearly 16 now. They are absolute pains in the arse at 2 and 4. I don’t know how I did it but I did and we are all alive and thriving! So will you x

Oh OP you are absolutely in the trenches. There's nothing worse than going from a competent, confident adult, to feeling scared and out of control every time you leave the house.

Practically: I used to always have biscuits/smarties in my pockets to aid with recall (yes, this is a dog training method, no I'm not sorry). We played a lot of the stop-go game. We left a lot of places after 3 minutes. I would often be down the park at 7am when it was quieter (FYI there's nearly always another frazzled mum in the park at 7am!)

Emotionally: pick your battles. You seem very caught up in what you're "supposed" to be doing. What's actually important to you? I try to focus on the sort of people I want my kids to be, rather than specific behaviours (but hitting/nastiness towards siblings is zero tolerance).

Food: I grew up in a household where food was control/power. I'm totally soft on food, I just don't buy anything that I'm not happy for the kids to eat. So some days one kid will literally just eat five roast potatoes- the sky doesn't fall down. I'll try and make sure they have an apple/satsuma at some point. We don't do puddings full stop (because I can't be arsed).

I definitely give him food, I'm just trying to get him to not have snacks when it's time to eat a meal, as he won't eat a meal then- does that make sense ?

So we'll get back- I'll have his dinner on the table in front of him and he'll be like ' I want milk '. I'll explain, you can have milk after dinner. Or he'll be like - I want chocolate or banana and just start looking for them.. 🤦🏻‍♀️

In any case, I feel like I'm doing something wrong as I don't feel like I'm providing him with a good diet or a good routine.

He's all over the place - so am I.

Also, your husband can fuck off with his judgement. You sound like you’re doing your best, he doesn’t sound much help. At this point I would say use screens, snacks, no homework needed on reception and do whatever works to keep yourself sane.

Can you put hooks high up on the doors out of reach?

Pour the cocopops in to a weetabix box and say they are finished. 😅

Just give him what he wants and tell your husband, parents, ILs etc they can fuck off or take over mealtime themselves.

Where is your husband on a Sunday?

I had one of those backpacks, the eldest was fine with it. The youngest would tantrum unless he was allowed to hold the handle which defeated the purpose somewhat 😫

Yeah, he sounds "hangry." I'd be giving him whatever it takes to calm him down and make life bearable.