Feeling completely overwhelmed, I keep screaming into a pillow

[glassdo]

Please be kind. I don't know what's wrong with me today. I'm so fucking fed up of mum life.

My kids are two and four and it's so relentless.

I think I must just be so unhappy to be so happy overwhelmed.

Especially my two year old just doesn't fucking listen to a word I say. I can't even get him to eat anything. All he does is cry, scream and have tantrums if he doesn't get exactly what he wants.

I'm so angry today. I'm angry. It's another Sunday alone with the kids. It's been another week, dealing with my kids basically alone because my husband works away a fair amount. I'm angry because they don't listen to me ( especially the little one ). I'm angry because I work so fucking hard to keep my house tidy and clean and all they do all day is mess it up.

I am so angry because I feel like everyone thinks I'm a joke and a mess of a human and they can do it better than me. By everyone I mean my in laws, my parents and even my husband. I think he thinks I'm just a bit shit. He has no idea how much it takes for me to keep the house in the condition it's in.

I can't take it. I just want my kids to listen to me. I can't take it anymore

I'm absolutely fuming today.

Kids at this age love mess and chaos. Make a little bed on your living room floor, put waybaloo on and take your top off. Encourage them to draw roads on your back and then drive the toy cars on them. Have a snooze and a free massage. When that tires, put them in the garden with a bowl of flour, a bowl of ice cubes and maybe some coal (dunno where my toddler found it but she loved the taste!() some pebbles and loads of random toys. They’re very sensory at this age and can get fixated on a little mission if you have a sand pit and digger trucks etc. focus on praise now and reward and high pitched cheers when they do something well. It DOES get easier and really rewarding after this blip, I promise. Enjoy them when they’re cute and sod the housework, the dust will help their immune systems x

First of all you poor poor woman, it sounds horrendous in your life at the minute.
Secondly its not forever, but it damn sure feels like it right now. You are doing your best, its not easy at all, fuck them who want to judge you, tell em to have a child each and come back with a better attitude, not the kids your parents and inlaws.

Have the kids got a proper bedtime? Whatever that may be? 6.30/7/7.30 pm
When they are in bed you need to mind you, dinner for you can be a plate of veggies, microwave meal, chopper or chinese followed by a bloody great hunk or cake or chocolate and an hour with your feet up on the sofa watching shite on tv,
Then and only then do you throw a wash on, tidy up a bit and head for a nice shower or bath and bed. Set your cleaning to 30 or 60 minutes, whats done is done, feck the rest.
Tell hubby he must do 30 - 60 mins also that way there is loads done and no one ever died from an imperfect house. If he refuses tell him his balls are getting chopped off next time he closes his eyes. ( joking hmmm he can decide 0n that)

Daily - put a good bolt on all the doors you don't want the tiny terror escaping from, including the kitchen door and double bolt that kitchen door, so when you say he cant leave the room, he cant leave the damn room. Food at table or not at all.
Get them into the garden - rain, hail, sleet or snow, just wrap em up and let them get it all out of their system.
Nursery - can he do more days or hours during the week
Local teens - any to come along with you to help you out at the park, teens love money, pay em a fiver for an hour and get them to watch the older child, you watch satans love child ( I am joking lol)
Reins - he can call childline for all I care - reins on or we stand here until you give in buddy

Child seat - cable tie the wee treasure in if needs be, cable ties are cheap n cheerful, there are non escape harnesses, or just be horrible mammy and stop the car. Assuming the child locks and window clocks are activated, pull over to the side of the road and read your kindle, throw in earphones and drown his screams out.
Failing that a quick visit from the local policeman might work ( a stern talking to from a copper in uniform lol), I know he is only 2, but he aint stupid. Policeman telling him he has to wear that harness might just work

Try book yourself in for a treat on a Saturday, even an internet cafe where you spend 3 hours in peace, a library book and a coffee, a massage, pedicure, anything that's you time. Hubby can do the same its not a competition, but do try each week just to have some YOU time, a lie on, one day, he gets other weekend day.

Its not forever this time, but it feels like it. I was reading your post thinking if only I could help you out, you just sound overwhelmed and in need of a hug and a second set of hands.

I haven't read all the comments, but I did see where you said you hope supporting your DH's dream will lead to him supporting you back.

It won't. I tried this & it just led to DH becoming more selfish & coming & going as he pleased, because he could. It wasn't until I put my foot down & pointed out he was treating me like a maid & nanny & it wasn't happening anymore that it changed.

He KNEW what he was doing & was taking advantage. My DH, by the way, is the 'nice' guy who wanted kids, but then didn't want to curtail his hobbies & saw a way out.

So don't ask. Make a plan and say no more, THIS is what's happening & make a regular time for yourself & don't budge. If he decides to make plans to get out of it, tough. Also tell.him.fo help clean. Any negative comments say, I'm glad you think I'm not coping, so do your bit & I will cope!!

Ignore all other judgey people. They can fuck off.

I've got this kid too. Ive only got one, hes 2.5 years old and between me and my husband its a fucking nightmare going any where.so, Big Hugs!
After several trips to see the health visitor they think my son has a social communication disorder and he's now on a wait list for the pediatrician.
He's an ANGEL at nursery though, And he eats anything they give him. For me? Some fruits and carrots and either peanut butter on toast or, if we're on a reeeaaally good day, alphabites. Go easy on your self after a day at nursery, I feel like a failure on every day except those two days when he's happy to eat his toast and I'm not stressing what a shit parent I am so actually enjoy him.

It's all just so disheartening. But definitely speak to a health visitor about your concerns about behaviour.

People can say that they're old enough to understand, that they'll eat if they're hungry enough etc, but it's just not helpful if it's not true in your situation. Do please get some help with this.
I'm taking mine to a playgroup for children with communication issues/asd. The main draw for me is the big locked doors. You do not need a diagnosis to start accessing these services in many cases. Ask your children's Centre or health visitor to sign post you or Google SEN play groups/ early years advice in your borough.

Screen time is fine if you are struggling. Most of what's on cbeebies is either educational or semi educational anyway.

I really feel for you and my god I’ve been there, some days I’m still there!! Mine are older now, but still school age, the youngest (7) still sometimes has Nutella on toast for dinner because I don’t have the energy for the argument, and some days (ok, a lot of days) they have far too much screen time. But I’d say pick your battles, you can’t and won’t win them all. It sounds like you’re doing an amazing job, keep going, be kind to yourself.

Ask your parents over for the day to help. Grandies like to think they did better but they need reminding how bad it really is sometimes. Tell 'em you've got a headache and worry the kids aren't being cared for. All these people like to criticise - put them to work!

I have two boys - 2 and 4. To reassure you, I think you’ve described a standard day with a two year old, verbally abusing you with “me do it” and “mine” and not having their “listening ears on”. Life at this age is just SO HARD. Especially when holding down a job (wfh or not, that does not matter) and trying to do it all. You can love your children and still
fine it hard. You are not alone with these feelings.

HOWEVER

Your situation in some ways sounds more lonely than being a single mum. You have all the responsibility and no support at all. The children are the trigger, but not the cause to your feelings. You do not have a partner who is supporting the family needs and also sounds like he has no appreciation for what being a full time parent means as he’s not doing it even on weekends. Your children are just being children with the toys. We have baskets all around the house so tipped out toys can be easily scooped back up at the end of the day, but sounds like you need to lower your standards. This is just a moment in time and your son will be in school in a couple of years. Try to put concerns about judgement to one side and enjoy the small things with your children. I barely remember the newborn stage two years on, people forget so quickly how hard it is.

Do you have a close friendship group? I would call on them to listen, but also help you get out of the house and give you that extra pair of hands that you need! You also need to book yourself a weekend a way to get yourself a break and give your partner a reality check. This is not unreasonable. I try to do it a couple times a year. It fills my cup up and I’m a better mum for it.

There is something in other posts about giving into your little dictator. You’ll obviously get decent human beings regardless of what they eat and how many tantrums they have. It’s just a phase for your two year old, but it’s clearly making your life so difficult and impacting the relationship with not just your son but daughter too. I think your life would be easier in the medium term if you held some boundaries. In terms of food, if he screams endlessly for chocolate, coco pops, or bananas then by giving in, you prove it’s worthwhile for him. I would simply throw them out and stop buying them. His meals could just be what I call picky plates which have a little bit of an everything. Somethings they will hate and some are easy foods. They find them fun and if they opt not to eat anything, then no big deal, they’ve eaten something and can get down. This way mealtimes don’t become a battle and you don’t create a food hierarchy. I’ve found Dr Becky and Big Little Feelings really helpful resources for dealing with difficult behaviours. Consistent responses has helped my two year old but I totally get that sometimes they push your buttons on the wrong day and it all goes out the window.

in short - weekend away, husband pulls his weight, chuck the coco pops ! Good luck! You’re doing a great job.

I'm with ya sister, it's relentless isn't it x

Nothing new to add but wanted to add to the chorus of sympathy. You're doing great keeping them alive (no, really) your husband can piss off until he's spent multiple days with the kids. Kids can be incredibly stubborn around food because it's one of the only things they can control. You're effectively a single parent but not getting the credit for it - and worse, having someone trying to backseat co-parent. TV and screen time to give you a howling-into-the-void-break won't be the worst thing. It is absolutely relentless.

Your husband sounds like a disrespectful prat.
Tell him, don't ask him, that one day of the weekend he's getting up with the kids while you lie in. Every weekend. Let him rage/sulk.

I've got a chronic illness too, so double hugs!

Op- do you do all the school runs? I had a two year gap .. was in my early 20s and had to give up a successful MUA career and lived in a very pretentious area (outskirts london - very fake and faux ‘glam’ but shallow ) amongst mostly older mums as I’d done things ‘the other way around’ to them .. they’d had an adult life, long careers , then houses and lots of money paid if not mortgage free and married and then children .. and it was so hard having a 2 and 4 year old and as they’re late summer born babies my older DS had literally turned 4 then full time school and doing to ground hog school runs with the packs of hyenas oooh I mean ‘mummies’ all glaring and staring at me because my boys very boisterous! The older one ended up doing huge commercial and TV campaigns so they didn’t help but I just wondeeed how you cope with school runs? As you say you cannot leave the house as it’s just not worth the hassle etc .. but you must have some control and routine more than you give yourself credit for imo as you haven’t even met the school run and I always found the school pick up time was always the time when my 2 year started to nap and/or it started pissing down raining and west I’d do to have had a member of family or a hands on dad or even a paid person to do this chunk of the day for me ..

Sod anyone who comments on how well you keep your house. Even your husband. Stop bothering with housework and instead play play play with your kids. Make noise, make a mess, get dirty, get wet, be creative, be your silliest self, sing, make rubbish art, run around in circles, jump on the furniture- in other words HAVE FUN!! They’re only little once and it’ll be moody indifference whilst gaming, playing on phones or going out with friends before too long. You’ll have all the time in the world for a lovely neat house then I promise. Let loose and I bet they’ll mellow out - and be more responsive to you too. Good luck and remember- youre making happy core memories they’ll keep all their lives. Far far far more important than what your house looks like.

This in spades. The tone of the advice/replies from @cattery and @penguinbiscuits actually scares me and I’m no softy. They sound more like prison warders. Your DH needs to do much more. He’s their Dad. If he can’t help during week you need some regular childcare paid and a cleaner if need be to give you a break during the week(not for housework). He needs to take over for half a day either Saturday or Sunday. Get as much sleep as you can and get out of the house everyday. Find some way, back pack reins, better straps on pram, push trike anything. I found I was always in better form/ less overwhelmed/a nicer person if I was interacting with other people regularly. I had 3 under 2 at one stage. Dont waste your energy or worry about keeping the house immaculate. Good enough is good enough it’s a family home with 2 little ones showhome standards aren’t normal. Better a less tired/stressed mum.

That’s shocking.

@glassdo
Does your buggy have any rings to attach the harness from a set of reins? Reins usually have the catch at the back. I'm sure he couldn't reach that if it's behind him.

A few things to say but the first is YOU ARE DOING AN AMAZING Job. It's the hardest thing in the world.

That being said, children pick up on your energy and by feeling so stressed it's hard to feel positive and calm. Children mimic behaviour and feelings from people closest to them. Not sure how but you are going to need to figure out a way to relay that calmness to them. Even having calm alone time with each of them might help. Like on a Saturday morning with your youngest and the afternoon with your eldest for example.

2 is such a tricky age as their vocabulary isn't as much as it will be yet so it can be pretty hectic. It's the testing boundaries age. How far can he push you age. He wants to know you'll still love him no matter what he does. Second time round it's harder to manage because youre already giving your all and more so you just want things to be easier. This is not that time. One day it will be, but today is not that day.

I mean this in the nicest possible way but it's a YOU problem that you're triggered by mess and an untidy house. Not sure if it's pressure from your husband or in laws that makes you stress about it. It is inevitable that the house will become messy, they are children that want to explore, and you want to let them, even if it looks like they're just destroying evreything. Have a sort out of toys and get rid of the toys (or at least hide them) that have lots of parts and bits.. They are the MOST annoying toys.

Don't pay any attention to your husband with whatever he says that makes you feel like shit. Tell him you want a week off and if he thinks it's easy and you don't do much, see how he gets on. He'd change his mind super fast. Seriously, book a weekend away to see a friend and he can crack on.

I think you are getting a lot of well meaning but pointless advice from people who have literally no idea what it's like to parent a "runner". My first 2 were so clingy and would never run off, didn't realize at time but they were easy kids. Number 3 would run off, thought it was hilarious and I was also pregnant (2 years between the last 2) it was so unbelievably stressful and I understand completely why you feel like you can't take them both out alone. If it helps, he is now close to 4 and he is an absolute delight. Such a happy and kind kid and finally doesn't run off!!
A saying that helped me get through the toughest time was "if all I did today was fill my child with love, today was a good day." So while I do my best with the house, my priority is always caring for my children and trying my best not to get cross with them (I'm not perfect at this but it's getting better) we also babyproofed a LOT with gates to keep him contained to a room at a time and locks on cupboards so he couldn't dump everything out (again this wasn't necessary with my first kids because they were easy kids). When I'm struggling I ask myself "how can I make this situation feel better?" And it might be watching a show or making them some chicken nuggets, even these small things can improve the mood so much. Also made sure out garden is fully secure and have lots of outdoor play equipment, chalk bubbles etc and sit outside with a coffee while they play but know they can't escape. My husband did sometimes think it was unnecessary or inconvenient to have the gates but I told him that it was absolutely non negotiable for me because he never has all the kids alone to understand what it's like.

While the kids are hard work, your husband really needs to help you more. It's a huge job and should not be all left to you.
Hang in there, it will get a whole lot better

You are not alone sometimes we can be overwhelmed and the smallest things trigger us just give your babies the biggest hugs when they are stressing out it will help you both it’s not easy but your doing it don’t ever let anyone make you feel your not doing a good job kids can be assholes just like adults

Oh it’s so hard, I remember it well, had 3 under 5 and now all teens. It’s relentless, the constant demands and thankless jobs all for them. Then you get cross and the guilt and anger at yourself for reacting builds too. Your husband needs to read this thread, as do your in-laws and parents. You sound at breaking point and if you break, what will they do? If you can get the 2 year old more nursery sessions do it. Do homework only if they are in the mood otherwise it’s stressful and pointless. Could that be a job for DH or a grandparent? After school club? Do what you need to just to get through right now. Let the house go for now, good idea about the toy declutter though. Do you think you might need some help from the GP, talking therapy or meds? It will get easier, at least physically!

Nah, he's two and the husband is never there. The two year old will be oblivious to his dad. He may not even realize he has a dad.

Buy a besafe clip for car seat and make sure he's still rear facing

Turn the door handles upside down.. I had to do this for my now 5 year old… only problem is now I automatically lift all door handles up, instead of down!! Worked though and confused the hell out of him!! Also, you can get things you can clip around straps on car seats etc, to stop them getting out if they are open. Children are mini adults…. Sometimes remembering you wouldn’t let someone your own age/status treat you like that can put a little fire in your belly and help.
You are doing a good job! And posting on here shows how much you care about them. Just take life one min, one step and one breath at a time. And be kind to yourself!!!

@MermaidMummy06's advice is good. Do that. Also tell him not to pass on comments from MIL.

My heart goes out to you. I haven’t read all the posts, but from what I have read, you need more support from the adults around you. Totally agree with all suggestions re lowering housework standards etc.

I had an absconder and escape artist. One of his earliest memories is of the fear on my face when I eventually found him after he ran off in the supermarket.

Some tips from my experience.

Absolute boundaries are reinforced calmly and consistently. Not undoing the car seat, not getting out of the buggy. Calm does not mean smiling though. I think that’s where some people go wrong (not saying you do): they try to use a gentle voice and send mixed messages. Stern and unsmiling is the way to go until they do what you want.

When you are in a safe open space — not a dense forest — let him run off. He will always come back, providing he doesn’t get lost. So for a year or two stick to open spaces.

In a couple of years — Walkie talkies. They’re fun, keep the children together, and allow you to keep track of them.

Keep all toys in one big box. Much easier to tidy up at the end of the day and they can help you do it.

Music. Lively when things need to be done (my son still has a Pavlovian reaction to In the Mood and starts looking round for toys to pick up. He’s 22.) Calming my at the end of the day as you wind them down before bed.

It will get better, I promise.

Blame the man because he deserves blame. A mother has come to this forum at breaking point because her husband does F all to help with childcare and yet you think it’s down to OP to “take control.” OP also works, she deserves a break to and the husband needs to step up, they’re his children too.