Feeling completely overwhelmed, I keep screaming into a pillow

[glassdo]

Please be kind. I don't know what's wrong with me today. I'm so fucking fed up of mum life.

My kids are two and four and it's so relentless.

I think I must just be so unhappy to be so happy overwhelmed.

Especially my two year old just doesn't fucking listen to a word I say. I can't even get him to eat anything. All he does is cry, scream and have tantrums if he doesn't get exactly what he wants.

I'm so angry today. I'm angry. It's another Sunday alone with the kids. It's been another week, dealing with my kids basically alone because my husband works away a fair amount. I'm angry because they don't listen to me ( especially the little one ). I'm angry because I work so fucking hard to keep my house tidy and clean and all they do all day is mess it up.

I am so angry because I feel like everyone thinks I'm a joke and a mess of a human and they can do it better than me. By everyone I mean my in laws, my parents and even my husband. I think he thinks I'm just a bit shit. He has no idea how much it takes for me to keep the house in the condition it's in.

I can't take it. I just want my kids to listen to me. I can't take it anymore

I'm absolutely fuming today.

Remember people only post the positives on social media - they don't show the 10 hours cleaning before hand to get to show home standard or how many photos it took to get the one photo with everyone looking the same way and smiling. I have learned to accept that with children no matter how hard I clean my house is always going to look like I'm 6 days into poltergeist until I'm the only person living there!

For 1 day forget the house. Forget tidying up, washing up, laundry the whole flipping lot of it. And go into survival mode.
Get out is priority - go to a park where the play equipment is enclosed or there's a sand pit rtc and let them go. You don't need to supervise his every move. Sit on a bench for 5 mins whilst keeping and eye on him running about etc. Take a ball. It will keep them occupied with you and without when they need the further distraction . Then get ready made lunch / dinner.bed for them and downtime for you but sleep if you can. Repeat but add I chore to your day or after a few days blitz the basics. Eventually u need to go into pre plan organisation mode where u do thing whilst they're asleep little but slowly it gets done. I had ocd so I know OP it's hard to let go but let go you must otherwise there lays insanity.

Find your local church playgroups and go to them too.

2 and 4 was a complete shit show. I don't know how I survived.

You are doing amazing. I know it's hard to get out, really hard. But if you can you feel so much better, they can make mess outdoors and it's less stressful, less shouting etc. Try a local forest school group for the little one maybe? Church hall toddler groups just to get out? So he can let off steam.

But either way it's not forever I've been there and it's just really hard!

You are doing a great job - parents put all sorts of pressure on themselves, so just take a moment and identify what you can change?

• your H can stop being such a fucking idiot (with his criticism) and help you. You shouldn’t have to make it clear but if you have to spell it out then do so - on sat I will be out from 10-5pm - you are having the kids. On thurs night I am out for a walk by myself you are having the kids! If he is a dick about it then you need to decide what that means for you and him.
• Chores are divided when he is at home and he does his fair share!
• Lower your standards about the cleaning - my response would be if your H says anything about the house - you know where the fucking hoover is get on with it! Why is he doing bugger all?
• Go to your GP - take the anti depressants, how do you know CBT is useless? Get support from your health visitors?
• What can you outsource - cleaning? ironing?
• Put the 2 yo in for another day at nursery? If your H doesn’t like it tell him to piss off and step up!
• On a bad day if your DS wants coco pops and banana - then let him. Your H can deal with him if he has an issue!
• TV/ screen time - its an ends to a means - my 20yo loved animal
• programmes from about 2 - he would cry / scream to watch steve irwin (of all people!) we let him - he’s at uni, with a part time job, and a fab social life - point is screen time isn’t the worst thing ever! Don’t let ‘instagram’ mums tell you differently!!

Change needs to happen in your house to help you have the energy to parent. You have a H issue - this needs sorting!!

Overall you cannot continue on empty - do whatever you have to so to get through this (I had a 2 and 4 yo years ago its bloody hard work!) Take care OP xx

OP @glassdo you sound burnt out and no wonder! I am 100% sure we are not supposed to raise our children without a village. But where the fuck is the village?!? Lots of us have this problem but yours sounds particularly lacking since not only has your village fucked off your own partner has checked out!

Our capitalist society means we have to all work and attempt to raise a family and runs home at the same time without help of any kind. And guess who bears the brunt of this set-up? Women of course!

I know everyone means well when they say lower your standards and let your house be messy and unclean etc but honestly in your situation I’d need order and routine. I would get rid of lots of their toys. I would declutter and organise everything. Try to keep to a schedule.

However, unless you have the support of your partner then you are pissing in the wind. I send love and solidarity and also I second the charity Home Start 💐

Being a parent is so bloody hard and OP you are doing your best. I am crying in the pillows myself right now after completely exhausting all of strength trying to reason with my 7 and 5 year olds. I have a cold and they both decided to gang up on me today and send me to a mental institute as the things they were saying to me were horrid and their actions no better and I am normally a very patient parent but today just collapsed and screamed at them both. They are not usually like that but the moment I would calm down one of them, the other one would start turning the house upside down and vice versa. I actually had a panic attack at one point because I was also too unwell to take them anywhere. Can only symphasise. Some days are just shit.

HRTFT and I'm sure this has been said already as it always is. BUT - is there any chance your 2yr old is ND? He sounds so like my DS at that age.

DS is 16 now and lovely - but the early years were a nightmare. He did sleep well which was a blessing - but the rest of the time he was so demanding, constantly wanting stimulation, became really fussy about food, and wouldn't hold hands or let me use reins when out and about. Once lay in the road in front of a bus when I tried to hold his hand to cross a road. Wasn't toilet trained until after starting primary school. I had to barricade him into rooms and tie up his bedroom door as he was very agile and could escape anything. Had meltdowns all the time if he didn't get his own way. Diagnosed ASD and ADHD aged 4.

I went to a council run programme for parents with concerns, and they suggested starting preschool even though free hours were only for three year olds then. We paid for a couple of days a week. The school leader said early in that she thought DS had issues, she arranged for the speech and language people to come in and got the ball rolling, she was amazing.

Of course you might just have the terrible twos - but the things you've mentioned do ring so many bells. I had twins - his sister used to get abandoned at the side of the road while I ran after him, luckily she was very calm and sensible! We did go out and about but it was always a challenge, but if your 4 year old is sensible you should be able to go to the park? (Although DS broke my ribs with a headbutt aged about 2 when I had to restrain him from taking someone's scooter one time.....)

There are things you can attach to a buggy harness to stop them getting out. But I expect he will scream the place down. My DS would wear a harness himself as long as I didn't touch it, so I used to run alongside him with my hand hovering over the upright loop at the back of his head.

Whether ND or not, it does get better.......

Leave your husband and share custody 50/50. Then you get half the time to yourself while he spends half his time doing what you have been doing alone, full time, since your youngest was born. You can spend your free time drinking wine and laughing at the thought of him wrangling your two year old.

Also, please lower your standards before you implode. Let your two year old have milk, bananas and cherry tomatoes whenever he wants, including for dinner. My paediatrician sister's toddler once spent three months eating nothing but strawberries and garlic bread, I kid you not. He is now 8, and still a picky eater, but eats a lot more than just strawberries and garlic bread.

And let them have screen time. Make it vaguely educational (e.g. Mr Tumble, NumberBlocks) to lessen your guilt.

And tell everyone in your life they can fuck right off with their unsolicited opinions.

Just to say this sounds like my two year old. It is very tiring. He also throws a lot of his food about. I doubt I will be using the pushchair soon as he can climb out without undoing the straps.

My advice is to get out the house as much as possible. I have 2 year old twins and my partner works 55 hour weeks so I understand. Getting out is the only thing that keeps me sane. I have no family and my friends work during the week, but I go soft play, library, stay and play. I’ll even walk slowly around the supermarket spending nothing if it gets me out the house! Recently aswel I was given some advice which has changed my perspective a lot. I think I have needed to adjust my expectations of my toddlers. Toddlers are arseholes! But it’s not their fault. They are still so new to this and I think I’ve been expecting way too much from them. They don’t listen much. And that’s ok, because theyve just turned 2. They aren’t trying to annoy me they are learning.
It won’t last forever, these tears will fly by. Hold in there!

Just make everything as easy as possible for yourself. Feed them what they will eat, let them run riot in the garden. Sit, read a book, have a coffee.
I have 2 boys 18 months apart and it was the worst 4 years of my life, all my youngest did was cry. I also couldn’t leave the house due to my youngest running off, climbing out of his car seat, pram. I was terrified. I’ve have 5 children and the point of my youngest 2 being 2 and 4 was the hardest it’s ever been. It will pass ❤️ things will get better. Mine are at school now and so much easier. I know it’s hard to do, but the only thing that helped me was to stop worrying about everything. Let them make a mess, let them be loud. I just reiterated “be kind, kind hands, kind feet, kind words” they listened to nothing I said, but at least you’re guiding them with ways to behave in a way they remember ❤️
sounds like you’re doing great, keeping on to of the house, if your in laws can do it better, let them crack on 🤣
take care ❤️

I remember it well and I felt the same. It’s normal to feel like this, we didn’t evolve to parent on our own. All I can say is, it gets easier in time. I put mine in nursery two days a week which helped hugely. If you can afford it do it, it’s well worth it. Going back to work was also great.

I had a runner, it made parks and play dates so tough. ADHD was diagnosed but it’s not a sure sign, but the medication helped at school and some days out. Unfortunately we had to wait until six years to refer for assessment. For now, try to plan out your time and have set activities to break up the day. iPads were a revelation!

Ive got a 4yo and a 2yo, and you've done amazingly to get this far before breaking down. Your husband is a dick.

We've been an absolute shitshow because my 2yo is also feral and he's the reason we can't go to a playground if its the three of us, so you're not alone. We also only go to softplay, inflatables, anything with a door that will remain shut.

Reading your updates it sounds like you're here for validation, because somehow, despite you doing the parenting, housekeeping, night wakes and early mornings, alongside working, your husband has managed to opt out of everything except work and STILL makes you feel like you're not doing enough and criticises the way you're handling things.

You are doing a good job, but he's setting you up to fail, you talk about age and stage, what's developmentally appropriate, dealing appropriately with unreasonable small people, but these things take so much thought and energy, it's impossible to do with minimal sleep, no support and all the resentment you must feel about being default everything all the time.

Things that have helped us - we've stairgated loads of our open plan house, food can only be eaten in the dining room, the gate ensures that. Locks on cupboards, fridge etc and keys kept up high where 4yo can't reach. Do any of your 4yo's friends want a playdate? My 2yo is so much easier when he's got the big kids to play with and they love playing with him. The other mums know how hard it is parenting alone (husband works shifts so can end up on my own with them for days at a time) so are supportive which helps. We regularly do porridge and fruit for tea if they don't eat properly, or put the cup of milk and banana down with the food. Division of responsibility is hard to do at first but took some of the stress out mealtimes for us.

If your husband continues to refuse to step up, can you book a hotel, don't give him enough notice to opt out, kiss the kids goodnight and just go somewhere for a good nights sleep and a lie in. If it's so easy you don't need help, he'll be fine, or maybe he'll realise some of what you do.

Good luck! X

I have a 4 yo. I have recently been watching episodes of Supernanny on YouTube and tried a few tricks for certain behaviors that I could relate my daughter with, and every one of them actually worked. One of the things I learnt is that shouting gets them even more excited and wild. And threats without actual consequences leads them to think that they are the ones in charge.
Good luck. You got this x

Really sorry to say this, but your 2 year old is just reflecting what he sees from your husband and finding the limits It's your house, your rules. Your husband is being a twat so your child is.

Here's my top tip for getting through the winter with very young ones when you can't face going out. It's a game called Chase the Dot. It only really works once it's dark, but two months from now, it will be.

Get a torch. Close the blinds & turn off the light. Sit yourself down somewhere high up - back of the sofa, or on the kitchen worktop, or on the stairs. Turn on the torch and tell the kids they have to stomp on the dot of light. As soon as they get near it, flick it away and beam it somewhere else. If they like it, you can tease them by beaming it on the ceiling, or wiggling it around.

It's a good one because they run around like maniacs while you sit still!

Good luck OP, I feel your pain, I found it so hard at those ages.

I really hear you on this. I too have days where I think fuck this, I cannot cope with this shit any longer. I also have a 4 year old and a 2 year old 😵‍💫 (and a 7 month old).

You're totally right, it's the 2 year olds age. They are such hard work at this age. And I've also watched my 4 year old just slowly grow out of most of the annoying behaviour.

Would your two year old go in one of those toddler walking pack backs so he can't run off? Or on one of those little push along trikes? Could have his reins on him as a back up?

My youngest sister was an absolute escape artist too and my mum used to use her reins on her and then a carabiner clip to attach her to the harness of the pram (basically so she was attached behind her back so she couldn't reach it).

I think the thing that's most frustrating with this sort of situation is that they directly mirror how you're feeling. If you're calm and happy and letting the chaos just breeze over you then generally the kids join in with that. If you're angry and frustrated by your situation then they argue and fight and don't listen and the whole situation escalates out of control. But when you're a mum you don't get to go and have a quiet cup of tea and regroup so you can cope better. You have to do it while the chaos is unfolding around you in order to break out of the cycle.

At times like this I've had to do what some consider some pretty drastic solutions but I see as radical out of the box thinking to find solutions to my problems. If your toddler can open stair gates (I'm assuming he can!) I'd put a small lock at the top of the kitchen door so he can't just run into the sitting room and wipe food everywhere for example.

I'd also decide what boundaries you want to have around his eating and stick to it. Ie he can have a banana at every meal alongside whatever else is being served and can eat what he likes. If he only eats the banana then he's eaten something, he's had the chance to eat something else. I'd get rid of (or hide extremely well!) the tempting food he prefers like the cocopops and chocolate.

The demands for milk and bananas at night sound like he’s one of those children who aren’t massively motivated by food, but want to fill up quickly.

personally, I’d keep an eye on milk intake. >500ml/day at this age and they’re more likely to be iron deplete.

I’ve had 4 children and if they’d had one good meal during the day they were often too tired to engage with a “proper” meal at night. I’d often feed them at 4-430pm, then a sandwich or something later if they were hungry. The 5 bananas does sound like he’s actually hungry, but maybe too busy to engage with eating.

This made me craic up lsughing, I mesn that in a nice way, you are so right though

I would put away most of the toys and rotate them. I've got a pile hidden in the wardrobe because my grandson just throws them everywhere. I let him have my tablet to watch his netflix. I've used the old fashioned reins because they can't reach around the back to undo them. If they tantrum I ignore them to avoid feeding the hysteria. I don't shout but leave the room.

I suggest a day at nursery when you're not working so that you can have some me time, do some cleaning to your favourite music. I've sat in the car with a Costa latte in blissful silence.
I've also gone back to bed.

The meds for pnd do help too.

I would also ask GP for bloods in case you're anaemic.

Your mum is not helpful in her attitude either. I'd let her have him for a day

Get out of the house take them somewhere where they can burn off steam and you can have a break. You will never get on top of things while you are stuck in the house with them wrecking it. You need some time out for your own sanity

OP you sound absolutely exhausted. No wonder, you have a lot on your plate.

You got really good advice on here already. I just wanted to add one small thing you could do to calm your system a little when you feel it’s all getting too much.

how is your breathing? would you be open to trying a more calming breath to regulate? If yes, then I’d recommend this pattern. 4 in, 8 out. Use only the nose if you can. Focus on the out breath

@glassdo Something about what you said about no set meal times made a little bit of sense to me as to why your 2 year old may be acting up..

My now 3 year old is absolutely manic when hungry. Or should I say 'hangry.' Acts like a complete lunatic, throwing themselves everywhere, biting, pinching, running into danger etc. It's when I know they're hungry. I should add this is one fussy eater too. Also the craving for sweet things ramps up when too hungry, the requests for chocolate was ridiculous.

Since I realised why the behaviour was so terrible, I now have breakfast ready immediately as soon as we're downstairs, use distraction techniques like talking about "what did you dream about? What would you like to wear today?" keep the conversation flowing so they don't realise they're consuming it. I spoon-feed if I have to. Lunch is as early as 11.20 some days, any later and I can see the red mist descend. Use the same format, chatter away at them, maybe some sticker books whilst they're eating. Take snacks everywhere so they're never too hungry.

We've gone from all day screaming to having pleasant and even enjoyable days.

I feel for you, I've been where you are. X

To add - I also cut coffee out, it spikes my cortisol which makes it harder to control my frustration when it's 'one of those days.'

You might be just trying too hard and setting your standards too high. Accept you are going to live in a total mess and just have fun with your kids look for a good nursery fir the little one so you can get a break. Consider getting an au pair or part time nanny.