Feeling completely overwhelmed, I keep screaming into a pillow

[glassdo]

Please be kind. I don't know what's wrong with me today. I'm so fucking fed up of mum life.

My kids are two and four and it's so relentless.

I think I must just be so unhappy to be so happy overwhelmed.

Especially my two year old just doesn't fucking listen to a word I say. I can't even get him to eat anything. All he does is cry, scream and have tantrums if he doesn't get exactly what he wants.

I'm so angry today. I'm angry. It's another Sunday alone with the kids. It's been another week, dealing with my kids basically alone because my husband works away a fair amount. I'm angry because they don't listen to me ( especially the little one ). I'm angry because I work so fucking hard to keep my house tidy and clean and all they do all day is mess it up.

I am so angry because I feel like everyone thinks I'm a joke and a mess of a human and they can do it better than me. By everyone I mean my in laws, my parents and even my husband. I think he thinks I'm just a bit shit. He has no idea how much it takes for me to keep the house in the condition it's in.

I can't take it. I just want my kids to listen to me. I can't take it anymore

I'm absolutely fuming today.

I'm getting so fucking irritated again guys.

I've been on calls all day and went to pick up DD. Thankfully she didn't throw a tantrum when I picked her up but she kept asking to go to the park with her friend. Her friend was busy and so I said let's scoot around the park. So she did and was happy. She didn't want to go home of course.

When we got home I let her drive around some more on her scooter. She had dinner and now she's wanted to dance so I've had the music on really loudly, as she loves that. She then drank some water and started spilling it everywhere which was annoying. But she just won't stop bouncing up and down on the sofa. She's been scooting around outside for quite a while, at school until 3:30 and she's still just bouncing up and down on the sofa and constantly moving around. She can't sit still. She has so much energy. The constant bouncing on the sofa is really annoying me. I'm just so overstimulated. Now she's watching Mickey Mouse and just keeps bouncing up and down on the sofa.

I can feel the rage building each time she jumps up and down. She's not standing on the sofa, but sitting bouncing.

Anyway it will be fine but I'm still feeling on edge. It's just such a slog every day.

Little mister hasn't been so bad this evening. He had some pasta, whilst drinking milk.. he came in from nursery requesting milk, so I gave him some with his pasta and he ate a whole plate.

He's just sitting chilling now, more or less, but she's so bouncy. How can she still have energy ? I don't get it. She's been up since 6ish.

I wish I knew how they just keep going and going! The more tired my oldest gets the more frantic his behaviour seems to be.

How do you handle yourself when overstimulated? Genuine question. I find it all a bit much sometimes and have found that wearing ear defenders can really help. Sometimes they're just being kids (spilling water, bouncing on the sofa sort of thing) and I kind of feel my reaction to it is more a me thing than a them thing (we have a sofa which is okay for rough play and one which isn't, and are pretty strict on that, but sometimes even when it's the okay for rough play one I'm just not in the right head space for it and find it too much, but they're not technically breaking any rules so I try and distract myself and block it out a bit). Deep breaths, sit on the front step with the door semi pulled too so I have an ear out but I'm a bit removed from it, have a cold drink, put on the ear defenders, all these things help.

Have you got space for a trampoline? Least she'd be outside bouncing then.

She sounds relatively normal for that age. They are just bundles of energy. Is school a free play environment or more traditional?

Have you got space for a trampoline? Least she'd be outside bouncing then.

She sounds relatively normal for that age. They are just bundles of energy. Is school a free play environment or more traditional?

It really does sound like she needs to physically stim to process the world around her. She is probably a vestibular and proprioceptive sensory seeker. It's why she's always in things, emptying things, bouncing, moving, dancing, scooting. She needs this.

Your husband sounds like a bellend. Mine has some similar vibes with wondering off at weekend for a nap without saying anything

Your husband sounds like a dick, @glassdo. I'm sorry he's so useless and unappreciative. Any chance you could ditch him? Then at least you won't have to put up with him as well, and he might just have to do some childcare..

This. Your husband is in a very comfortable position, and will not change unless you force him to. I would ask him to pick up the kids from nursery (or wherever) and then disappear for the weekend, with a message stating that you need some time off because you're not feeling well, and it's not fair for the kids.

Also, you need to have a serious conversation and tell him to do his share. Otherwise, start thinking of leaving... Being a single mum will be better than doing a single mum's job, being married. You'll resent him forever otherwise. The fifties are over, by the way. Let him know about this.

This is typical behaviour for children this age. You seem to have unrealistic expectations. This is what healthy, happy children do. Either learn to live with it, or outsource it. Happy, healthy children bounce, jump, dance. All the time. My thirteen-year-old boy still likes to bounce a ball around the house after an endless day of soccer matches, school fitness, etc. If it bothers me, I remind myself that a healthy, active child is a blessing.

Your husband is a prick. Not sure what you do about that, but it's not going to be helping you with the resentment adding to the negative emotions you've got going on.

I get the irritation with the bouncing. My 9 year old is the same. None stop physicality. But it's normal so it's your reaction that you need to try to control.

I've been working on this myself. I've been making sure I eat well, multivitamins, keep hydrated and sleeping well. Helps with being able to regulate emotions.

Do any of the grandparents ever have the kids for a day? In the hope it will give them an understanding of how hard it is.

You can't pour from an empty cup. You need a break.

Lower the expectations put on yourself. If your husband is unhappy about meals let him have a crack at managing it. Fuck other people opinions. You're in survival mode atm - do what you need to to get through it.

Sending a big hug @glassdo it sounds completely exhausting.

Your DS may have additional needs - did your DD behave like this before he came along? If not, she sees him getting away with it and has joined in, sadly.

If they are good elsewhere, that doesn't mean it's you, btw so don't think that.

Have you asked them why they do what they do? Why they behave badly? Have you asked them if they do it to upset you? Or if they want to upset you? Have you told the children how their behaviour upsets you and why? I'd start having big conversations with them. Don't guilt them just talk.

Parenting is not easy and criticism from others is beyond aggravating. Ask your mum to sort them out if they start whilst she's there. Let your DH sort them out when he's home. You are not the only adult around, use those who criticise you, good luck x

it makes me feel like crap even more reading all these mums going at each other for allowing a child screen time at a table for example.

If it makes you feel better, I can only get my 21 month old to eat dinner (and sometimes lunch as well) if she's watching Mr Tumble or The Gruffalo on the laptop. There are a lot of smug perfect parents around, especially on MN, but most of us are just muddling along, being a bit crap.

I have a family member exactly like your son and the family dynamics are very similar in that everybody has advice and judgment but nobody is offering practical help. I may have even been similar until I offered to babysit and realised how hard 'just taking them to the park' was. So please know you're not alone.

In my experience toddlers are wild they have no idea about social cues or impulse control at all and a huge amount of people wonder if their kid has some sort of additional need and a lot of the time it's just general toddler weirdness. However my family member did turn out to have quite complex needs so maybe keep it in mind and keep a watchful eye out.

Finally you need to try to explain to your husband that while he's at work, work is his job and parenting is yours. Then when he finishes work you switch to tag teaming parenting so you both get a bit of downtime because if he doesn't start understand this then he'll be having to deal with the kids on his own at the very least every other weekend. That'll be the hardest bit if your description of your husband is anything to go by.

It sounds like anxiety that's funnelling in to rage through overwhelm. Look in to beta blockers, ask your doctor about them. They're great for situational anxiety.

I need to do something. I just want to feel able to deal with every day life better.

I've been unhappy for too long. My kids deserve a happy mum.

I think you and many others expect far too much of themselves. Your kids sound a handful. You are working. Its too much. Without back up or family.

Why on earth are you looking at social media shite, comoaring your life is the last thing you need

I don't like, condone or agree with it, but time and time again it seems that some men need more...tutoring/direction/expectation setting/orders than women. Especially in parenting. A lot of women I know just get on with it, whereas the men default to 'if you want me to do something just ask'.

I remember DH asking me questions about DS and me replying 'we've both been parents for about 7 hours...why are you asking me??'. Something about a woman's body changing during the pregnancy giving us months of extra time to realise how much life is changing, then it's us who take the leave etc and care for the kids whereas after 2 weeks most men are typically back in their standard routine with the standard friends/colleagues etc and not much else changes. Add that to centuries of gender stereotypes and you can see why some of them assume that the women will just handle it and ask for help if required.

Trying to be careful with language here, it's not all men or all women, but seems to be a running theme in chats I have with other mums that unless they are directly asked and often that some fathers will naturally think it's the mothers role and carry on in blissful ignorance. It's not acceptable. DH often says if I wasn't so forceful in my expectations of him he wouldn't be half the parent he is. He's had lots of time alone with the kids as I need time by myself to stay sane. He really wanted to be a parent whereas I wasn't that fussed. So I was very very open from the earliest days that it was his dream and he was expected to put in a fair share of the work which it entailed. Ridiculous that that even needed voicing, but sadly in a society where parenting is still often stereotypically defaultly viewed (again trying to be as generalist as possible) as 'woman's work' I wanted to have it out there from the start that if that's how it was going to be for us then I wasn't interested in having a family with him. He has done, but even with that motivation it's been bloody hard work to keep things even remotely level.

We have 'parent #1' and 'parent #2' days whereby even though we're all there, someone takes on the role of 'lead parent' for the day. Honestly the first time I was #2 I realised why DH never had a clue when the next feed/nappy change was or whatever, if you don't see it as your responsibility it's easier to take no notice of it. Haven't had to do this for a while as the kids are less full on these days (no nappies/naps/feeds etc) but it really helped him realise exactly how much work was going on just carrying the mental load.

Think having regular, direct chats within the parent partnership about expectations, workload and the kind of family we want to be has been a very positive move for us. Would be great if I wasn't always the project manager of the household, it's a shitty reality that this seems to be yet another hat that a lot of women I know wear in order to have things running smoothly. But if that's what I need to be to make sure I'm not the default parent/housekeeper whilst also trying to work/exercise and keep a marriage afloat then I'd way prefer to put the management hours in than carry the slack on the rest!

Add a workload imbalance to the tyranny of toddlers and emotional fallouts of starting school and it's no wonder you're overwhelmed. This shit is tough!!! Be kind to yourself.

I disagree with this. A bit of fear maybe when they're older. But at 2, it's just mean.

Agreed. Also it doesn't help me on a personal level as I end up in even worse fight or flight mode with a side order of guilt. Secondly it totally takes the weight out of any arguments I have to stop the kids yelling at one another as I've lowered the tone with the parental example. Thirdly if it doesn't work then I've used my trump card and totally lost any authority I had in the room (which arguably once you've lost control that's gone anyway) and finally I end up spending more time dealing with the upset children who got shouted that then I would have done using gentle techniques to get the behaviour I wanted in the first place. Just a bit of a fail all round tbh. Not that any of that prevents me from shouting sometimes, which is ridiculous as it's proven to be completely ineffective on multiple occasions.

To see change you need to make change.

Very easy to say, extremely hard to do when you're not in the right mindset.

OP, you are becoming a barrier to yourself. You were prescribed antidepressants but didn't take them. Sleep deprivation and burnout is the cause but it doesn't sound like you're going to have a quick solution, so take the meds. Talk to your health visitor, they should be able to refer you to some sort of support. You let your husband have lie-ins. You are worries about asking for help from the grandparents.

You won't take the children out without someone with you- that's you're anxiety making you think that's normal, it really isn't. I completely understand the reason why, but the more you don't go out the harder it's getting.

Refusing to take them out because your eldest got hurt whilst running after the youngest, worried about going to a farm because they will get hit by a car, they'll run off into the woods.....
That is your anxiety making excuses.

They dont get out enough so play up more, both at home and when you do actually take them out. The 2 year old will eventually get used to reins. The 2 year is probably running away to get some playful attention from you (in his mind). Is there anyway you can arrange a playmate in a park for your eldest, she can play with a friend and you can play with the youngest (he can run away safely, you can pretend to hide so he also learns that he could get lost).

Things you cannot change: having a 2 & 4 year old. They are meant to be active, they aren't meant to sit still. You are describing normal toddler behaviour, but you are too burnout to deal with it.

It's not your fault, but you do need to do something. Without support I don't know how you've managed this long. However, as I said at the start, this will be extremely difficult if you're not ready to implement the changes.

I like your post a lot, @Nafotdbs.

You've described my experience well.

On bad days, it can be like having a crap employee!

Something else I feel is that it's hard to go against the norm, even when the norm is bad.

DH sometimes turns to me worriedly after spending time with friends with useless/passive/clueless/workaholic other halves and hisses "I know it's not OK to be like thar!"

I've been unhappy for too long. My kids deserve a happy mum.

True, and you also deserve a happy you!

Make a plan and come tell us what it is (if you like).

I agree with pp who say you should try the anti depressants that you were prescribed.

I was a similar mum. Since birth, my dc were allowed as much screen time as they wanted, eat what they wanted in bed or on the sofa (younger dc lives on chicken nuggets, milk, cheerios and peas, even for Christmas dinner). My kids are lovely. Both are neurodiverse, so that explains why screens are extremely important and calming to them and why they have a limited taste/diet. But they are extremely polite, kind and are doing exceptionally well at school, self motivated, straight A*s, 1 dc won every scholarship going and grade 7 in two instruments, mudic theory and voice age 12. Just don't sweat it. Maybe your son has ADHD. If you try to control him, it won't work. Screens, fun, rough and tumble, messy play, feeding on demand, going easy on homework but maybe try some fun apps and encourage them to be in charge of their learning as much as possible, maybe get your boy into rugby todds or something to tire him out - they will be absolutely fine. I'm convinced it's 69% genes, 9% school and 19% peers how kids turn out, and parental efforts are in the long run negiglible. The best thing you can do is keep your sanity and a positive relationship with your kids, everything else really is not going to make a difference. At least see it that way: what you are currently trying is not working. Doing more of the same, just stricter, is not going to make them 'better', it might make them worse (especially if they are neurodiverse), and it's definitely going to break you.