Feeling completely overwhelmed, I keep screaming into a pillow

[glassdo]

Please be kind. I don't know what's wrong with me today. I'm so fucking fed up of mum life.

My kids are two and four and it's so relentless.

I think I must just be so unhappy to be so happy overwhelmed.

Especially my two year old just doesn't fucking listen to a word I say. I can't even get him to eat anything. All he does is cry, scream and have tantrums if he doesn't get exactly what he wants.

I'm so angry today. I'm angry. It's another Sunday alone with the kids. It's been another week, dealing with my kids basically alone because my husband works away a fair amount. I'm angry because they don't listen to me ( especially the little one ). I'm angry because I work so fucking hard to keep my house tidy and clean and all they do all day is mess it up.

I am so angry because I feel like everyone thinks I'm a joke and a mess of a human and they can do it better than me. By everyone I mean my in laws, my parents and even my husband. I think he thinks I'm just a bit shit. He has no idea how much it takes for me to keep the house in the condition it's in.

I can't take it. I just want my kids to listen to me. I can't take it anymore

I'm absolutely fuming today.

Totally understand you and feel for you! But my husband is amazing who kicks me out of the house for an hour when he gets home or puts them both to bed so I can go to bed early. We have no support system at all just us 2 and he works alot of hours so I do it all alone. My toddler also runs away, school runs are embarrassing and so draining, my 2 year old runs and my 5 year old thinks she's helping by chasing him so we all end up running it's a daily disaster that I dread. My 2 year old doesn't sleep either and screams during the night and it's awful. He also moves chairs around the house and climbs/helps himself to what he wants. Mine used to be obsessed with milk but now hes only allowed a bottle at bedtime. If he doesnt eat his dinner he isnt allowed a treat after and when he sees his sister having one he soon eats it. I'm so sleep deprived, burnt out and fed up but there's literally nothing I can do about it! Not much help at all but I just want you to know your not alone x

Bless you. You’re not alone. I’m a mam of 2 (8 and 1). It’s really tough. My husband works long hours and is just as messy as the kids lol. Days seem long and hard and I totally hear you. Please don’t feel like you’re doing a bad job. The kids don’t understand the stresses a mam feels, they just live day to day expecting to get what they want. It comes in time that they settle
down. Just remember that there are children out here with parents who don’t care about them, they choose alcohol drugs and nights out over their children. You love those kids and they love you, a house is material, and with time it will remain tidier but just now try not to overthink the house mess, I can honestly say I believe all mams are in the same boat, even if they deny it xx

I was just like you when my children were small. There are 22 months between them. I would run myself ragged all day trying to keep up with the kid's demands and needs whilst trying to keep the house in order. My husband would come home and immediately start tidying up, huffing and puffing as he went along. I felt shit and inadequate. What I know now is; that I was doing my best, I needed more help, my children were more important than the housework, my husband was more of a problem than me or my children ever were and people who judge are usually less inadequate than you would this. I was later diagnosed with post-natal depression after I went back to work. Trying to do all of those things and work 30 hours a week in the NHS was pretty much impossible and I had to resign in the end. I lost over 3 stone due to the stress and anxiety I was experiencing trying to be the perfect mother, wife, cleaner, chef and nurse. My advice to you is, to go and speak to your GP or failing that, get some counselling. My one regret is not doing this earlier. I got no joy from my children in those early years and I now feel an incredible sense of grief about it. Stand up to your husband and tell him that the children are more important than the dusting. If he wants a pristine house, he can do the cleaning. You and him have to lower your expectations for a few years. It is tough but it isn't worth your mental health, believe me, it isn't. Your children will pick up on how you feel and there is nothing better for them than a happy mother.

Yanbu.

You are not shit. Those are extremely hard ages with that gap.

I know everyone's harping on about discipline for the 2 year old but in my experience (while boundaries are important), very quick 'no' and then a diversion is much easier and makes for an all round happier day. If you know something will spark a tantrum don't try to lecture just change subject and move on. They understand very little of consequences until 3 anyway so you really can just make work for yourself. Tbh I sometimes use bribes with the two year old to keep the day moving.

Follow the calm parenting podcast on Instagram I really rate this - he gives practical examples of how to deal with 'the strong willed child' and it has really helped me deal with those type of situations..

Also. If child having meltdown about nonsense (ie pencil sharpening), just say no and then ignore them like you're bored. This really works. Meltdowns are actually objectively fine - it just shows they are understanding that you've said no, they can't have their way, and that they aren't running the show. Ignore until they calm down then quickly change subject.

Also, as others have said, you should be getting at least a half day at the weekend to yourself - or taking one child each one day of the weekend to calm your nervous system a bit from the chaos.

Good luck! This stage will pass pretty quickly and they will both be in school!

OMG solidarity. The school run !! Is SO embarrassing. It sounds exactly the same as your school run. I hate it so much.

My 4 year old also always decided to misbehave when I pick her up. She gets upset about one thing or another - you didn't bring my apple, where is my scooter ? I want to go to the park etc etc and then whines all the way back to the car, whilst I'm chasing after my two year old. It is so embarrassing.

Last year people used to stare and I would never really see other kids acting this way. But this year we've got a few new children who have the same age gap as mine, so 2 and 4 year olds and I've seen some dramas at pick up. I did help a mum the other day because sometimes I don't have the two year old with me at pick up and drop off ( bliss ) and her two were both crying, dropping stuff everywhere and I could massively relate and helped her out !

Hi OP

I haven’t read the full thread, just all of your responses. I could have written this exact post a year ago. Husband works away a lot, 2 and 4 year old, 15 months apart, afraid to take them out in the open for their safety. A year on and things are completely different. They have grown up and matured and my youngest is better at communicating but here’s what helped me in the meantime

• find out what they like and do more of that. They like throwing? Basketball net or throwing soft toys in a wash basket etc. My youngest loves water so I’d run the kitchen sink full of bubbles, or give them a bath (for like an hour)
• stop giving big reactions to bad behaviour. They get a sensory kick out of the sound of your voice, facial expressions etc. keep calm and flat. “If you do not stop x by the time I count down from 3, I will take it away” count 3,2,1 the take it away and let them cry. Keep saying flatly “I asked you to stop and I told you I would take it away” Now I just need to say “3” and they do whatever I’ve asked. Keep your big reactions for good behaviour, nice pictures, lovely singing etc. also say well done / good listening etc when they do do what you’ve asked. I know you shouldn’t have to but it does help reinforce good behaviour, even if you’ve had to ask 100 times
• stop saying “don’t”. I don’t know if there’s science behind this but instead of saying “don’t climb up there” say “back down on the floor” or “sit on your seat”. It tells them exactly what you want them to do and you just feel better not saying “dont” or “no” all the time. This made a huge change for me.
• give them choices - do you want the red top or the blue one? It gives them a feeling of control over their life. (Also “do you want to walk down the stairs or will I carry you?”)
• feed them whatever. If they’re having a proper cooked lunch at nursery/school then I’m fine with chicken nuggets, wrap and cheese and fruit etc. my two love a picnic dinner
• give them iPads / CBeebies and take 10 min to have a cup of tea
• start small with going out. I went to a small enclosed playground where I could see the whole playground and therefore both kids all the time

This is a really tough stage and it WILL get better. You’re doing great and it’s totally normal to feel overwhelmed by them sometimes. (Also I still lose my cool and shout at them. Nobody’s perfect)

Sorry you are in a difficult parenting phase OP. You're not shit.

The school run comment resonated with me. I have 3 kids, one toddler and other two in primary. School run is a shit show 😬
Toddler runs away in the busy crowd, refuses to hold my hand, asks to be carried but she's quite heavy for me. Then the older two come out and immediately start either winding her up, each other up? Asking for snacks, telling me something 'important' then get annoyed if I'm not listening because I'm breaking up a fight between the other two or chasing the toddler. All while the other mums are trying to chat. It's the worst bit of parenting for me.

With your kids at the age they are I would say (kindly) pick your battles.

Don't run round tidying after them, get them to help or implement the rule of tidying one toy up before getting another out. Or just wait until they go to bed and do one big tidy then.

With the pencil and the homework, your child is looking for a little control when they have been in school all day being told what to do etc. let her sharpen the pencil. At that age just say "okay get everything you need ready and when you are ready come and find mummy" and leave her to it. At 4 pretty much everything is a power struggle. Give her control where you can so that when you say no, she knows you mean it. Give her choices. Do you want to do homework before or after dinner? Red pencil or blue pencil? It will do wonders.

With the younger one do as a PP said and basically train him. Take him all the fun places, parks, soft plays, walks etc and remind him before if he runs off you go home. Then follow through.
He has to see what he's missing but will soon learn.

My middle son was horrendous I couldn't take him anywhere and he's still a flight risk at any given opportunity but we've learned ways to deal with it.

Pick your battles and follow through. That's my advice.
Also, coffee.

Are you a “gentle parent” because honestly in this instance I think some good old fashioned shouting a scare tactics are probably in order, do t listen to all these tests who say “get down on their level and talk about their big feelings” sorry but f**k that shit, you are letting children rule your house and they need to learn who’s the boss, my Nan would have said “sting their legs for ‘em, give them something to cry about”

I wonder if a nursery would help your youngest? They tend to be socialised by copying how the group behaves. Many moons ago I worked in a nursery. The children soon settled when the mothers left and were worn out at home time. All mothers have these desperate days. You need to talk to your GP you sound at the end of your tether and you may need some medical help as well. Doctors are not able to be a great help but there are still brilliant ones out there. Your husband needs to find a job where he can be more present for his children. He will lose his family at this rate. Look at childcare options in your area. A strict routine helped me to manage my children. Everything exactly the same, early bed, sit down for food. The bedtime routine really helped, a bath and a story then back to bed if they get up again, don’t engage or talk to them, just straight back to bed, like super nanny does. You then know you get time off. It works eventually. Don’t hate yourself there are mothers all over the world going through the same thing. You sound so stressed out exhausted, don’t be afraid to ask for help. Well done for talking to us. Wishing you all the best. If I was your mum, I would be round there helping. Xx

Oh that sounds pants and it is hard. Sounds like you also have some pretty high expectations of yourself as well? All parents shout and get frustrated with their kids. Your two year old sounds like a determined and capable, dominant character. My advice is learn to let things go, the house is a shit hole, who cares? Your 4 year old wants to sharpen a pencil again? Go for it. It doesn't matter, there is no perfect way and sounds like you want things your way but parenting isn't like that. You need some time to yourself, stop judging you and your kids, come of social media if your on it. Try reading (audio book can be good) either the baby whisperer and or the book you wish your parents had read (Phillipa Perry) also how to speak to kids so they listen and listen so kids speak.
Most importantly this will pass, you care about and love your kids and mumming is so very hard and isolating but you will survive you might need help from your partner, parents, a therapist, a GP some mum friends but that's normal.

When my boys were 4 and 2, they were draining the very life out of me. I loved them and hated them at the same time. No family to help, DH only around at weekends. I ended up getting professional help as I couldn't cope. Shouting and being angry was making it worse adding fire to fire. I swapped for quiet voice and lots of hugs to diffuse the situations. Took years of perseverance. I'm out the other side now. Two lovely loving boys.

I've been there.

People will come on with loads of good suggestions - and I know that you probably just can't face doing any of them.

"Shoes on and out to the park" = yes, a good suggestion, but I'm well aware what an uphill struggle it can be to even get a 2 and 4 year old to put shoes on and go out the front door.

I get it. I'm not going to make suggestions because I know that everything is difficult.

Just know that you are not alone. And it will pass.

The only advice I can say is lower your standards.

I used to feel crap because the house was a tip and I felt like a total failure. A few years down the line I found that most people's houses were a total tip. You just don't see it.

This will pass x

First of all, it's important to acknowledge and validate your feelings. It's completely understandable to feel overwhelmed and frustrated as a parent, especially when you're doing it mostly on your own. It's also common for young children to have tantrums and not listen, so know that you're not alone in this struggle.
One thing that might help is to take a step back and try to identify the root of your anger. Is it really about your kids not listening, or is it about feeling unsupported and unappreciated? Once you have a better understanding of your emotions, you can address them more effectively.
It's also important to communicate your feelings to your husband and other family members. Let them know how much effort you put into keeping the house clean and how their lack of support makes you feel. It's possible that they don't realize the extent of your workload and may be willing to help out more.
In terms of your children not listening, it's important to set clear boundaries and consequences for their behavior. Consistency is key, so make sure you and your husband are on the same page with discipline. It's also important to praise and reward good behavior, as this can be more effective than constantly punishing bad behavior.

The root of my anger is twofold :

1 I'm pissed off because the buck always stops with me when it comes to the kids. It feels like my husband swans or swarms ? in and out as he pleases. If I go for a shower, I have to announce it- he goes upstairs and just lies down for hours. I feel like I'm always looking for him at weekends. He's always leaving me and the kids alone. He is now really into the lawn and will spend hours doing that, when he's here. I'm the idiot that's just always with the kids. I'm pissed because even when he sees I am at my wits end, he won't just say ' have a cup of tea or go upstairs for a lie down- I've got this '. He'll just continue retreating to the bedroom or to his office to watch TV. He says I'm always on his back, when I try to find him..

2 I am also pissed off because when I'm feeling ok, I do try and use all the tactics - stay firm, give choices, don't shout, praise them, reward them etc etc etc but it just often doesn't work. They still do what they want ( mostly 2 year old ) and it pisses me off. If I talk to my mum about it, she's like ' oh he can't do that, you've got to stop him from doing that ' it's so fucking easy to say isn't it !! ' stop him doing that ' or it if I say my DD was a bit of a pain after school - ' stop her doing that, you never did that '.. even on here.. ' you just have to be firm ' I fucking am firm a lot ! It doesn't work. Also as helpful as this post has been, really thank you everyone. Some of the other shit you read on here leaves you feeling so inadequate! So many posters are so high up on their horse- no screen time, never eat anywhere but the table, strict routines, cleaning with their kids in tow.. it makes me feel like crap even more reading all these mums going at each other for allowing a child screen time at a table for example. There are so many examples. It does not help and sometimes I think I need to just stop reading. Again, I really appreciate everyone's input on my post, it has made me feel better. But some of the stuff on here is not helpful for me.

I only have one kid but ages 2 and 4 were both hideous

Starting school was a challenge too

You're going through the worst times of childhood (i hear the teen years are hard)

I feel your pain. I did scream sometimes. That's passed now i have a six year old

When they were 1 and 3 it also wasn't easy I must say. I think when my little one had turned 2 it was easier. He's heading towards 2 and a half now and I think that's a really challenging age. 2 and a half was very challenging with my daughter too. But as she came closer to 3, things got better.

Here's to hoping for better days.

Yes - if you say “don’t run” the brain hears the word “run” and it activates the brain pathways for “run”!

OP, I don’t think your DH will suddenly change his attitude towards you and the children if he attains his “dream”. It sounds like you need as much help as you can get. You may need to organise for eg an au pair, or nanny, or cleaner etc. You don’t need DHs permission. Just do it. I would suggest you speak to your GP again, explain the situation. If you can get more help from others with the children, you might be able to feel more relaxed which would then be better for your children. As you know, you cannot continue like this. You need to start putting yourself first, just as your husband puts himself first. If he disappears for hours to watch tv, then you need to disappear for hours too, eg for a long walk, or massage, or to meet friends etc. YOU are the only one that can change this situation. Hopefully you will come back soon and let us know how you are doing. Sending you a big hug 🫂

Really into the lawn? That would annoy me so much. I'd write "they're your kids too" in weedkiller on the grass if that was my situation. Maybe don't do that...yet...

Comparison is the thief of joy. There's always going to be someone doing better than you in that moment, there will also be many people feeling like they're treading water and many having a worse day. Comparing the many facets of the life you know intimately with the fleeting moment you witness or read about someone else's life is really setting yourself up to fail. I promise!

My mate and I both have similarly aged kids. We both had eachother up on a pedestal as a perfect mum. I genuinely never saw her lose her shit and her kids are incredible. I love her to bits but I found her a bit threatening. Then one day over a few cocktails she asked me how I do it. How I stay calm, how my kids always seem to be polite and well behaved and I laughed my head off. My kids are feral, hers are straight out of Mary Poppins! Except I was only seeing her kids when they were in guest mode, and vice versa. We weren't seeing the nitty gritty, whingy, shitty moments. But we were experiencing them in our own lives bloody constantly!! Honestly, comparing is just the devil's work.

You are letting him treat you like that. Why are there no consequences for his deliberate actions? No advice we can give you will help unless you are firm with him. Have you lost your shit at him instead of screaming into a pillow?

His job stops when he comes home. Your job as stay at home mum stops when he gets home. After that it's 50/50. Not you on duty 24 hours a day. He's a piss taker and you are letting him take the piss.
You also start pissing off and leaving him with the kids. stop announcing your shower etc. He's conditioned you to do this with his moods I'll bet. Conform or bet met with sulking and atmospheres?

OP it makes me so cross to see a woman driven to distress by lazy partners. He's making a bed for a failed marriage.

No one can prepare you for how hard it is when your DC are challenging, especially the toddler phase. Please try to take a deep breath, lnow this will pass and choose your battles. You don't have to be supermum and keep the house immaculate, do what works for you. If it's a banana (healthy), give him a banana!

Honestly, there was a time (which seemed to go on forever) that no matter what I did or where I took our DC to, it was just a constant battle. It felt impossible 😪 and it it was exhausting. Try to take a break on your own if you can, I used to escape sometimes and it really helped. Xx

OP not sure if you'be hidden the thread yet but I just wanted to add that the one thing that made both of mine listen at age two was put a toy on the shelf for 5 minutes if they didn't do what I asked them. With a timer.

Either a favorite toy or whatever they are currently playing with.

You may have tried it already!

I hope you’re feeling better today. Fuck what others think. You’re doing an amazing job. No one knows how hard it is but you, and you don’t need validation from anyone. These difficult days will pass.

Be kind to yourself. Let your standards of tidiness slip. Fuck it. It doesn’t matter. If the little one doesn’t eat, don’t worry too much. They’ll get hungry soon enough and have a lovely big meal. Celebrate small wins for yourself.

Mum life is a difficult and lonely one, but I’m praying that it’s going to get better and that all my efforts and hard work will be seen, eventually, by my little monsters one day. Hang in there. It’s all we can do.