Husband reactions in front of the kids

[FoxesSox]

Bear with me…

My Husband swears a lot, we have an ongoing debate about it because it makes me so unhappy he constantly does this in front of the kids. We have a 6 month old baby and a 2 year old. The 2 year old is like a parrot, her language is amazing and she repeats everything back. Husband swears constantly in front of her. He is very uptight and reacts to everything, eg, a spec of ketchup on his top, a drop of a water on the floor, stubbing his toe, dropping something etc gets a “FK SAKE! SHT… Blcks” etc. Which is all the time. Often multiple times in a few minutes. he scraped his ankle last week and shouted “Fck a Cnt”. When I remind him please don’t swear in front of the kids he snaps and aggressively says things like “well I just cracked the fucking vase in the dishwasher etc” and explains why he swore. (Obviously there is always a reason and I’m not saying he is just shouting for no reason).

For context, we’ve had marriage problems lately and are in counselling and I have only just come home with the kids after staying at my parents house for 2 months because of the behaviour in front of the kids, arguing, and stress, mostly due to a work issue he has had which takes over every part of his life and no space for anything else (he’s been pushed out of his job and not been at work despite being paid still - no immediate financial worries). He made an effort for a few days but it seems to have gone straight back to how it was before.

Anyway, yesterday we had friends over they were late leaving and we were late putting the kids to bed. The bath was stressful as he kept walking to have a go at me for putting the blackout blind back up in the toddler room and that I would further damage the roller blind etc leaving the baby and Toddler in the bath (could still see them but not in grabbing distance). I said not to leave the kids to drown and he did go back but continued to shout at me through the bathroom door.

Bath ended and we did nappies and Pjamas etc and I left him to give toddler her milk and went up to the loft room to feed baby. A few minutes later he was screaming my name and swearing from the floor below “she’s being f*king sick! Projectile fking vomming! Get here now now! Where the fck are you”. I immediately unlatched baby and came downstairs with him, he’s just started crawling and can’t be left alone. Toddler sat in bed covered in sick and all over carpet. He continues “I needed you to get here fucking quicker” (it must have taken less than 25 seconds from shouting to me being stood there). My daughter starts crying. It makes me SO sad. All she needed was a cuddle, take her clothes off and put her back in the bath and kindness. Him shouting at me made her think she had done something wrong and caused a problem and she was crying at that, not because she had been sick. He started madly getting carpet cleaner and stuff and I said we needed to put the kids to bed first.

He says “I have always sworn, and you knew who I was before you married me. Swearing is an auto response and I can’t help it”. I say, he did lots of things before we were married, I wouldn’t expect him to do these things in front of our young children. He is very snobby (private school etc, often looks down on people and calls people “pikeys”). But surely swearing in front of your kids is rough and why doesn’t he care our daughter will pick this up and swear at nursery etc.

I guess my question is:

YANBU: This is unacceptable, he needs to stop swearing and reacting in front of the kids and if he doesn’t this will cause lasting damage and make daughter really insecure.

YABU: Everyone swears, it’s no big deal. He can’t help himself in stressful situations and give him a break.

@FoxesSox the first post from @DustyLee123 nailed it. Whyyyyyy go back to this ghastly specimen?

He is so aggressive. Why did you go back

I bet he does!

Read ALL your posts again

Pretend someone else wrote them

It’s not the swearing that’s the issue, surely you must see how emotionally abusive he is? If you were more feisty he’d probably start being physically abusive too. Start recording him when he blows up at you, keep a diary with everything he says to you as he’s probably brainwashing that he didn’t say half of the things he says, talk to a solicitor, plan your way out.

Ah indeed swearing is a red herring.. tactful response

For contrast on my first night out after having dd2 I looked in on the baby and toddler. Both had entirely different outfits on and different bedding. They had both been really randomly sick just after I had left god knows why. Dh just dealt with it. Asked why he hadn’t called me (I was at a local restaurant with a friend 5 mins away) he said no way did he want to disturb my night he had it in hand. No screaming or swearing required.

Just leave, he sounds utterly vile

👆

Personally I would be either showing him the door or moving out with the kids; he is no husband and certainly no father.....

LTB...or, better still, tell him to leave.

Even if she divorces him he is still likely to get 50% custody

It’s not the swearing that’s the problem, it’s the anger. I swear like a trooper, mostly in jest, but I’m pretty calm with my children.

I felt anxious and on edge just reading that OP. Cannot imagine what it feels like you and the little ones to live with it. Awful. Get out asap. I not for yourself, do it for those two babies.

Swearing isn't the issue here, and I don't think swearing in itself is especially damaging to children. That's not to say we shouldn't temper our language around young children.

Your issue is his aggression. Him screaming that you didn't attend to him quick enough, why can't he manage a puking child. I'm quite sure you would have managed on your own.

If you continue to live in this environment you are showing your children that this behaviour is acceptable and normal. You know it isn't. I'm so pleased you have a large supportive family. You can have a lovely life with your children, and your extended family. Don't continue to live a life of misery with your H. Prioritise your children and your self, you deserve so much better all of you.

He doesn’t have five minutes for his children let alone 50 percent of his time.

I'll bet there are lots of circumstances where he is able to control his swearing. Would he talk like that in a job interview? He sounds vile OP. Your poor children.

You have done nothing but excuse him. He is angry, erratic, aggressive verbally and physically but you have always given a litany of reasons why he was impelled to act out:

Your friends were late leaving so bath and bed were delayed…
Work stress
Child vomited

None of these necessitate his swearing at you or flying off the handle or getting angry at all

This asshole doesn’t have an anger problem he LOVES his anger. Its his best friend. He is no more going to overcome it with CBT or therapy than a drunk gives up his drunken asshole friends. He doesn’t have a problem—you have a problem. “i was like this when you married me” means he thinks this is his best and only self. Its really a form of DARVO (the abuser’s other best friend). deny, Attack, Reverse victim and Offender.

You say “don’t abuse us verbally” snd he DARVO’s you and says “I haven’t changed—you have changed.” That’s right. You have grown up and betrayed him by suddenly turning into a mother with children to protect.

Stop fantasizing that he’s so posh he won’t physically harm you. The cemeteries are full of women whose boyfriends and husbands have killed them regardless of class of accent.

I must admit I have a bit of a potty mouth but if I need not to swear I certainly can. The problem you have here though is that your husband is clearly uptight! My ex was. The shouting and swearing became unbearable, it’s like walking on eggshells waiting for them to kick off. Eventually the shouting became gaslighting and coercive control and then violence. It does not make for a healthy environment especially for children. Don’t put up with it, you and your children are worth more. A safe, happy, caring and loving home life is not a luxury it should be a given. If he can’t give you that, move on life’s too short.

This is abusive @FoxesSox. He is verbally, emotionally and psychologically abusing you and the children. Speaking to you like that and shouting is disgraceful behaviour. This is going to cause you and the children emotional damage.

In my experience (my ex was a shouter with a foul mouth too), things don’t get better, they get worse. I don’t regret leaving me ex at all. Life is better and I have peace. My daughter has a peaceful home too.

Anyone can make an active effort to break the swearing. I swore like a trooper but started a swear box as soon as our first was born to ensure it was well and truly knocked on the head by the time they were at the stage of parroting phrases back!

He seems to have gone several years without thinking this is a necessary adjustment in an environment you're raising children. Why?

All the other stuff posters are saying about DARVO is right on the money. You're in counselling, use it! He wouldn't react well to being treated the he's treating you. He's unpleasant to you. He's unpleasant at work. Clearly he has a problem & needs to change.

Either he recognises that & gets on with doing the work in every environment he's in. Or you take control of the situation & get your children to safety.

Only you can know how many chances or how much time you'll allow before leaving. But set some hard lines now & stick to them so you're not just making excuses for him any more.

Good luck

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. It isn’t just the swearing in front of your children. All the shouting is emotional abuse. Of course everyone raises their voice. Everyone gets angry occasionally, but parents usually try not to do it in front of children, saying something stroppy is often done in hushed tones to protect the children. Also, you have only just come back to him and he’s behaving like this! I think maybe consider leaving again for the sake of your 2-year-old and work on this issue in counselling to see if he can gain some insight and empathy.

If you take his swearing words out, it's all there in plain sight: aggression, disrespect, frustration with the whole world. he takes it on you and the kids. He's a bully who failed elsewhere. Don't be the punching bag for him, take care of yourself

Everyone's situation is different, but based purely on my experience of a DH who displayed this behavior in the early years, I would advise you to seriously consider whether this partnership is worth fighting for. The long term damage to the children, as well as yourself, is enormous. In our experience it has been irreparable.