Husband reactions in front of the kids

[FoxesSox]

Bear with me…

My Husband swears a lot, we have an ongoing debate about it because it makes me so unhappy he constantly does this in front of the kids. We have a 6 month old baby and a 2 year old. The 2 year old is like a parrot, her language is amazing and she repeats everything back. Husband swears constantly in front of her. He is very uptight and reacts to everything, eg, a spec of ketchup on his top, a drop of a water on the floor, stubbing his toe, dropping something etc gets a “FK SAKE! SHT… Blcks” etc. Which is all the time. Often multiple times in a few minutes. he scraped his ankle last week and shouted “Fck a Cnt”. When I remind him please don’t swear in front of the kids he snaps and aggressively says things like “well I just cracked the fucking vase in the dishwasher etc” and explains why he swore. (Obviously there is always a reason and I’m not saying he is just shouting for no reason).

For context, we’ve had marriage problems lately and are in counselling and I have only just come home with the kids after staying at my parents house for 2 months because of the behaviour in front of the kids, arguing, and stress, mostly due to a work issue he has had which takes over every part of his life and no space for anything else (he’s been pushed out of his job and not been at work despite being paid still - no immediate financial worries). He made an effort for a few days but it seems to have gone straight back to how it was before.

Anyway, yesterday we had friends over they were late leaving and we were late putting the kids to bed. The bath was stressful as he kept walking to have a go at me for putting the blackout blind back up in the toddler room and that I would further damage the roller blind etc leaving the baby and Toddler in the bath (could still see them but not in grabbing distance). I said not to leave the kids to drown and he did go back but continued to shout at me through the bathroom door.

Bath ended and we did nappies and Pjamas etc and I left him to give toddler her milk and went up to the loft room to feed baby. A few minutes later he was screaming my name and swearing from the floor below “she’s being f*king sick! Projectile fking vomming! Get here now now! Where the fck are you”. I immediately unlatched baby and came downstairs with him, he’s just started crawling and can’t be left alone. Toddler sat in bed covered in sick and all over carpet. He continues “I needed you to get here fucking quicker” (it must have taken less than 25 seconds from shouting to me being stood there). My daughter starts crying. It makes me SO sad. All she needed was a cuddle, take her clothes off and put her back in the bath and kindness. Him shouting at me made her think she had done something wrong and caused a problem and she was crying at that, not because she had been sick. He started madly getting carpet cleaner and stuff and I said we needed to put the kids to bed first.

He says “I have always sworn, and you knew who I was before you married me. Swearing is an auto response and I can’t help it”. I say, he did lots of things before we were married, I wouldn’t expect him to do these things in front of our young children. He is very snobby (private school etc, often looks down on people and calls people “pikeys”). But surely swearing in front of your kids is rough and why doesn’t he care our daughter will pick this up and swear at nursery etc.

I guess my question is:

YANBU: This is unacceptable, he needs to stop swearing and reacting in front of the kids and if he doesn’t this will cause lasting damage and make daughter really insecure.

YABU: Everyone swears, it’s no big deal. He can’t help himself in stressful situations and give him a break.

My dad was like this. Constantly stressed with work and always on the edge. He would shout and swear at the slightest thing going wrong. As a child, I was scared of him, and that irrevocably damaged our relationship.

I spent many years being angry and resentful that he never addressed his behaviour or seemed to care about the atmosphere it created at home.

When he retired 10 years ago, he became a different person - calmer, more relaxed. But it was far too late. I know he loves me but I have never been at ease in his company. Even now, I tense when something goes wrong - a glass tipping over, a door slamming too hard.

This reminded me of my own situation. DH has been let go of the last few jobs he’s had and part of me wonders if it’s his attitude..? He doesn’t swear like your DH but he can be aggressive and a bit controlling. We also had therapy but defs need more and not just couples therapy but he needs 1-1 therapy. He had a rocky upbringing and I guess was never taught how to regulate his emotions. Similar I imagine to your DH. The difference is my DH is aware of it and trying to change his habits. We’ve both agreed on more therapy. He’s a wonderful father and would never shout at the kids for being unwell, although when over stimulated/triggered he can resort to shouting (a trait learned from his mum).
If your DH continues like this, your children will not learn how to regulate their own emotions as dad is not modelling it for them. They will grow up to have similar anger management issues as well as confidence issues as the father figure is such an important role (especially in your daughter’s life) for instilling confidence and self esteem (read more on ‘the father wound’).
your daughter will likely also pick a partner for herself who speaks to her the way he speaks to you. By allowing this behaviour, you are teaching your daughter that this is acceptable and women can be spoken to and treated like this by men.
He needs to get to therapy and change his ways or you need to leave him. Your children will respect you more in the long run for doing the best thing for yourself and for them.

Only if he wants it and nothing so far suggests this.

You need to leave this man. His behaviour is outrageous and will damage your children for sure. Good luck for the future.

Op you need to get out of this relationship for the sake of your kids and yourself. I have lived through something very similar. He'd similarly threaten me by clenching fists and stepping towards me etc. It eventually escalated- I had the toddlers pushchair and metal playpen thrown at me. I had the sky remote slammed into my thigh - the bruise was huge and was there for months. I ended up being too scared to leave as I was a sahp and told no-one as I was so ashamed. The final straw was when he assaulted our 10yr old in public for not doing what he was told immediately. The police arrested him, charged him then allowed him to come back to the family home...I was furious but he just played the victim blaming our son. The following months were hell- we ended up homeless staying with various family members for two months. He completely lost the plot, threatened to kill me, refused to see the kids. But I eventually got our lives back on track and my kids have turned out amazingly. My only regret is waiting till my son was assaulted before I did anything and finding out years later that they were terrified of dad and his behaviour even though they also loved him. They were much happier away from that toxic environment and so was I. Good luck!

"DD is not terrified of him (yet) she does love her daddy and he can be very kind and caring with her. She does go very quiet when he behaves like this though and it is obviously doing damage."

YOU are allowing this damage to continue.

He doesn't need to see how close you are to leaving.

He needs to see you leave.

And then you and your kids need to see him change for real before you even think about going back.

It's not the swearing, it's the attitude, 'get here now' ! Ffs

I am sorry. I voted YABU but that isnfor putting up with his disgusting behaviour. Hugs x

I cannot understand why you married him / procreated with him in the first place to be honest. He is right in that you “knew who he was when you married him.”

This alone would have been a no from me:

He says “I have always sworn, and you knew who I was before you married me. Swearing is an auto response and I can’t help it”. I say, he did lots of things before we were married, I wouldn’t expect him to do these things in front of our young children. He is very snobby (private school etc, often looks down on people and calls people “pikeys”).

Also fathers who cannot handle parenting a child alone are useless.

He sounds horrendous, your children (or you) shouldn’t have to cope with that. Try to leave, life is too short.

Your poor daughter will be so stressed and embarrassed after being shouted at for vomiting.

You need to get out now, before he does irrevocable damage, to you and your children. It's been years since I got out of a marriage similar to that, and I'm still suffering from it.

Why are you with him?

What a fucking man baby.

Can't control his own emotions or deal with a 2 year old being sick. Why did he need you? Does he not have two arms and legs? Pick her up, get her clean and give her a cuddle? No need for such a big drama over a toddler throwing up.

I would be packing my bags and moving back to my parents again if I were you. He sounds emotionally abusive.

Please don’t blame the victim. These guys are like snakes with hooked teeth. It is much easier to get into the relationship than to crawl back out once you have children.

Honestly, it's disgusting. My husband and I are ex-army. We're both working class & can swear "like a trooper". We never swore around our children, our other children. Does he want his kids to repeat his words to others?

*or

Can I ask in what way?