I’m fat because of my kids and husband

[ICantStopEatingg1]

I’m so fed up of constantly overeating. Before marriage and kids I was a size 8. Now I’m a size 20 (actually work trousers feel very tight but I refuse to go up any more). I’ve tried low carb, keto, slim fast, calorie counting and most recently NHS weight loss app. The thing is I know my main trigger - having to constantly cook and think of food for everyone in the family. I know I can’t help it for my kids and it’s not really them it’s my husband. I’m sorry to vent here but I cannot talk to anyone else. I might be over reacting here but I think he’s Mainly responsible for my weight gain. I’ll give an example:

I was super healthy mon- wed when in work and I have Thursdays and Fridays off. He’s working from home. Just to paint a picture he has a stressful job where he cannot take a break, lunch hours are non-existent as they are in client meetings all day. Not just him the whole team. High pressured city job which definitely pays a lot but is stressful in terms of what I just wrote. So I have to on my days off think of his breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks. He will always say no when I offer something but I feel sorry for him so I make something and he will gobble it up within seconds at his desk which makes me feel bad for him! It’s a vicious cycle, I’m angry I have to keep thinking of feeding him but then feel guilty if I don’t.

he has never cooked a meal in his life. Weekends are the worst at I have a fussy eater who I have to keep trying to coax to eat. My other child is good at eating so will eat what ever anyone else is eating. I’m so fed up. They’ve all gone to Sleep ages ago but I’m sat here clearing away the plates and just do angry with life. Once I’ve cleared up I will be exhausted so I know I’ll be eating biscuits to give me a boost. I don’t want to be fat anymore but my family don’t make it easy!

@grizzlygrump has a good idea. We signed up for two meals a week and it's actually v. helpful as you don't have to plan for those days. You pick your weekly meals from a choice.

It has the added benefit of encouraging inexperienced cooks (such as my DS (16)) to make meals, as every step is clearly explained. Your DH might enjoy cooking once a week, despite his hectic schedule.

I do understand what you are saying.

He obviously manages fine making his own food Mon-Wed so he will manage Thurs/ Fri. Im sure he’s quite capable of making some cereal/ toast for breakfast and a sandwich for lunch, if he chooses not to that’s on him. Either that or make him the same as you would be having (something healthy).

Meal planning is probably the best way to deal with evening meals/ the children’s meals on the weekend. Make sure you know what you are going to have.

Why does your husband not pull his weight around the house? Is he some sort of throwback from the 50s when he thinks house work is women's work? I'd be telling him to shape up or ship out.
I'd also consider outsourcing some house work if it suits (ie cleaning, gardening).
I'd also look at your standards and time management - you have two days off during the week so you should be able to carve out more time for yourself. Eg. How often do you need to spend an entire day gardening and washing the car, does it matter and can it be done less regularly? Consider booking yourself into a gym class on one of the days and go swimming on the other. The house will survive.
But first deal with the lazy husband and stop making food for him during your days off - he copes when you are working doesn't he.

I'm kind of the same in that I tend to decide what everyone is eating, make most meals, do the shop etc except for me it drives the other way. I'm so fed up of thinking about others food that I can't be arsed thinking about what I will eat too so skip meals or grab something easy but I always make sure my something easy is healthy. So I go for fruit or eggs or veggies, lately I've been batch cooking more to make sure there is always something easy to grab. It means I eat more(my bmi is bordering on underweight and I'm looking a bit boney) and I spend less time thinking about what I'm cooking/what ingredients we need etc

Not really. You’re responsible for what you eat.

Right so I totally get it, and none of this is about willpower, its about prioritising yourself.

Your husband has a stressful job but his inability to contribute to the needs of the household (at all, including abnegating all responsibility for his own needs) is also creating stress for you and diminishing your capacity to look after yourself.

Stop running around after him and dispense with the guilt. Suggest to him that he puts a bowl of fruit next to his desk once per week he can grab some of that if he's genuinely too busy to move from the desk, ever. What a hero.

Take every step you can to simplify the household stuff. Do a plan for a week and have it on rotation. Everyone has a version of the same thing with add ons or take-offs depending on fussiness. Simple food that falls in the venn diagram of what everyone will eat. If that means you all have egg chips and peas twice a week so be it. Maybe some of those meal kits like Mindful Chef etc, that is literally someone else deciding.

Diets are bollocks, so give yourself a break. Portion control. Don't eat after 8pm. Stay hydrated. Don't buy biscuits.

Your health and wellbeing is just as important as everybody elses, please give yourself permission to give a shit about yourself.

Sorry, nobody is to blame for what you put in your mouth but you. Nobody else is responsible for you polishing off your kids leftovers but you.

If you're going to eat snacks at all - they are unnecessary- see them as something to eat instead of... So if you have a snack before dinner, that's less dinner instead.
More of a snack means less of a meal.
Cut out finishing leftovers. I have a feeling you are always going to find it hard due to your emotional attachment to food shown by - "biscuits because you're tired" and eating to be calm.
I suspect there are two types of emotional eaters, those who eat more when under stress and those who eat less. Luckily for me I find it hard to eat when stressed, and get too busy to eat at times, which doesn't bother me. However, you've come to use food as an emotional soother, which is a slippery slope and seems to be what a lot of overweight emotional eaters do.
Also, if you and DH are both on a day off work, that's a day to not be cooking for him. He's quite capable of getting his own breakfast and lunch, and if he uses McDonald's instead of managing to do his own toast and cereal, just ignore him and let him crack on. You don't have to join his takeaways, you can decide otherwise.

What a lame excuse. Blaming a partner or family member for your own weaknesses and shortcomings is abusive behaviour.

One small thought. You are eating the family left overs …. You are not the family bin X

@ICantStopEatingg1 I was super healthy mon- wed when in work and I have Thursdays and Fridays off. He’s working from home. Just to paint a picture he has a stressful job where he cannot take a break, lunch hours are non-existent as they are in client meetings all day. Not just him the whole team. High pressured city job which definitely pays a lot but is stressful in terms of what I just wrote.

The majority of professional jobs consist of employees skipping lunch and being in constant meetings. This isn't something that's unique to your husband.

So I have to on my days off think of his breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks. He will always say no when I offer something but I feel sorry for him so I make something and he will gobble it up within seconds at his desk which makes me feel bad for him!

Why do people do this? If he doesn't want food, then why did you make it? It's utterly bizarre behaviour.

I'll let you in on a secret- if your husband does his entire working day without eating, he will not shrivel up and die. It's actually normal for humans in their natural environments to go for long periods of time without eating.

I understand - I have been in a similar position. By the time you cook a meal for your husband/child that enjoys food (and you want to make something nice because it’s not fair to just dump something quick on them because they are good eaters) and something for the fussy child then there’s not much energy or time left to concentrating on making something healthy for you (especially if you are low carbing or doing something specific).

I think in general you have to be quite selfish when you’re dieting. Your needs have to be prioritised.
Cook a meal that works for you and add in stuff to make it work for the others. But make it easy. Ie If you need to add carbs make it a bread roll not rice or pasta.

With your husband (and I understand this perfectly as we are in a very similar situation) I make sure there is always stuff he can get quickly for breakfast - mine is happy with Greek yoghurt, fruit and muesli which makes it easy.
For lunch I mostly make an extra sandwich/ lunchbox for him when I am making lunch for the children.
or I buy sushi/go to the bakery/ pick up something etc while I’m out. And I tend to keep a whole precooked chicken in the fridge so there is always something to eat/snack on that doesn’t require any work from me.

All options that can be put on a plate quickly and stop me having to think about food non stop.

The shopping, planning, cooking and tidying up after can seem interminable. Look for the short cuts that work for you.

What do you do for yourself? Do you have half a day carved out for you to just enjoy on your own? On Friday mornings could you just to you things... gym, walk, spa, read, go to a cafe etc..

It sounds to me that the actual problem is that you are stressed and being overweight is a symptom of that problem.

Diets don't work simply because they are not sustainable in the long term. It sounds like you are feeling desperate and frustrated, but there won't be a short cut to losing weight outside of medication at this stage. If you have some spare funds I would prioritises seeing a pysch or a councillor to work out some of the issues you have described with the goal getting to a size 16. They will help you investigatie the guilt and people pleasing behaviour that is contributing to your weight gain.

You’re treating your husband like a man child. He’s a grown man. If he wants to eat- he’s perfectly capable of preparing his own meals. There’s your first problem. I work 80 hour weeks at the busy times of year and I have to meal prep on my days off/evenings

Cutting out carbs did it for me- I replaced pasta with corgetti, ground up vegetables to resemble rice/cous cous. Used butternut squash for chips. Lots of fresh fruit and veg. Calorie defecit works- I managed (and have maintained) a 5 stone weight loss. It came off slowly granted but that’s because it works and it works long term.

@Ger1atricMillennial Diets don't work simply because they are not sustainable in the long term.

Eating less and eating healthier is literally the only way to burn fat and lose weight.

Look up Gina Livy. You might sill have time to get into the new round of the programme. Yes she'd Canadian but you can follow it anywhere.

It's very cheap and is basically 3 months of coaching with structured eating.

Plus injections.

And let your husband get his own food.

I completely understand where you're coming from. I've become resentful of everyone else's unrealistic expectations but trying to get them to change is like screaming in space. Kids need to eat early, dh wants to eat late. Kids like simple food, dh likes spices. Nobody likes the same thing that comes out of the slow cooker. Food has gone from something enjoyable to something I dread.

As a pp said, it gets to a stage where it's like making an alcoholic work with alcohol. You can't change your relationship with food by removing it, especially if the expectation of all the people you support is that they'll carry on being fed whatever you've been busy preparing for them, even more so if you suggest a change and they flat out reject it.

No, your dh doesn't make you eat biscuits but if what you need is a hug and what you get is a demand to cook yet another meal, it's understandable to look for that comfort elsewhere.

OP, I'm taking mounjaro and it's made a big difference. It's completely reset my relationship with the biscuit jar and is forcing me to be more assertive with main meals. Dh hasn't starved to death yet through low fat meals, and he hasnt noticed that they've got a lot simpler. Nor has he keeled over through the boredom of having the same batch cooked meal twice in the same week. I, however, have lost a stone already and am starting to shake off the feeling that feeding everyone else comes first.

Yes I understand what you mean. You want to focus on eating more healthily but you can’t because you have to think about and prepare meals for everyone else and clear it all up. It is taking up too much of your time and sabotages your efforts to think simply about what you want to eat

To be clear I am talking about keto, atkins, slimfast all that sort of stuff that the OP mentioned.

I don't want to be mean but I do most if this plus work a 40 hour week. My kids are a bit older but I have 3 of them. They now help with the cooking but didn't when younger. DH does some of the cleaning but he works a 50 hour week so he is knackered.
You must have so much time to plan meals. We have to fit it around our work and kids activities it's quite hectic.
Also you cant blame others for what you eat that is your choice.

Some of that stuff works. Saying they don't work because they aren't sustainable in the long term is bizarre logic, because weight will always come back if a person returns to their old eating habits. The manner in which the weight was lost in the first place is irrelevant.

Your husband can fend for himself. You aren’t his mom. You should not be responsible for all domestic duties…he can pitch in, he just probably finds it easier not to do it. Also, if you are doing everything, being a people pleaser, you will get very angry and resentful. Right now you are self-medicating with food to deal with these emotions. Better to address it, and stop the people pleasing behaviour. It will be way, way less stressful to set some boundaries. Victoria Albina and her feminist wellness programme is very good for dealing with these things.

Meal plan once a week and get food shopping delivered twice a week. You don’t need to think about it constantly or shop too frequently, this is something you are choosing to do currently but you have the power to change it!

My DH has a similar job, but he still makes his own breakfast, lunch and snacks every day, if it’s for a work day he prepares them the night before. I ask him what he wants and add it to the food shopping. Again you have the power to not make his food every day anymore.

Hi @ICantStopEatingg1 I'm fat because my knees are knackered, so I cant run anymore (size 10 to 16), but I also am so fed up with work, it's affecting my MH, so I don't do other exercise either cos I cba (borderline depressed), so I feel your anger at others too.

I've lost about 1/2 stone over last 3 weeks (I have 3 more stones to get off). I did this by buying a bag of dates. Everything I want a snack I eat a couple. Yes they're full of sugar but they don't actually shoot sugar levels up, so I assume they're slow release energy. They also contain high roughage. As I understand it, water weight is an indication of inflammation, probably due to food being retained in the gut longer than it should, so that additional roughage may also help.

I'd suggest replacing biscuits with a better snack - more protein and slow release carbs - cos if you don't have them at home, you can't eat them.

Add cinnamon to your coffee too as that will help sugar spikes and drops.

Finally write up a menu for the week, make what you cook easy - loaded with fruit and veg (low GI), high protein and more potato based than rice, noodles or pasta. That way everyone eats better, you don't need to think about food all day cos it's planned.

Sending you a hug. X

OP, you’re trying too hard and stressed out. I do most of the cooking because that’s how we divide the chores. But I make it way easier on myself. I’m also obese and 20 pounds heavier than prekids.

our breakfast are tea, cereal or toast, sometimes oatmeal. Whoever is down first does it, and my 4yo can do his own toast if I have the energy. If we’re out of butter or oatmilk then we flip to the other one. Fruit is on the table if anyone wants. When I make porridge it has one topping usually raisins or frozen fruit. If we’re out of both it’s jam. Who in the trad wife is buying strawberries in the morning?

My husband takes a canister of nuts up when he’s out and grabs fruit most days. When he works in the office I pack him a lunch to save money - it’s leftovers or whatever 4yo is taking to school. Like chicken drumsticks on a bed of greens and a slug of bottled dressing (kid would have some crackers instead of greens) or a sandwich for both. Snacks for both might be crackers, olives, yogurt or fruit. 2yo and I eat whatever I’m feeling for lunch. Kids will have their main at tea and DH and sometimes I will have my main at supper.

Mains I make a rough list before groceries last week was
veg bolognaise
sausage and mash
curry and rice
tofu/drumsticks tray bake with veggies on it
Can’t remember.
all with a veggie

kids supper is always what they will guarantee to eat (and we flip tea and supper around). Toast, eggs, porridge, frozen pizza, cheese and fruit, yogurt.
Muffins if I made any with the kids that week

It’s nothing like how I ate single. My veggies are now steamed raw or tray bake and often frozen.

I’m extra fat now because my hormones are a mess, I’m exhausted and stressed, I binge eat my stress and loneliness. I’ve managed to have high blood sugar and lipids. All my diet attempts kept failing because of that and I would rather try to fix my health. So I started Ozempic over a month ago. So far we haven’t increased the dose because now I CAN eat what I plan and a reasonable serving. If you can stick to it without meds, maybe just get therapy and simplify things. If you can’t, we’re lucky to have options. And we have toddler palates a gf vegetarian and a meat heavy adult. We either have the exact same thing or the same thing parallel cooked.