I’m fat because of my kids and husband

[ICantStopEatingg1]

I’m so fed up of constantly overeating. Before marriage and kids I was a size 8. Now I’m a size 20 (actually work trousers feel very tight but I refuse to go up any more). I’ve tried low carb, keto, slim fast, calorie counting and most recently NHS weight loss app. The thing is I know my main trigger - having to constantly cook and think of food for everyone in the family. I know I can’t help it for my kids and it’s not really them it’s my husband. I’m sorry to vent here but I cannot talk to anyone else. I might be over reacting here but I think he’s Mainly responsible for my weight gain. I’ll give an example:

I was super healthy mon- wed when in work and I have Thursdays and Fridays off. He’s working from home. Just to paint a picture he has a stressful job where he cannot take a break, lunch hours are non-existent as they are in client meetings all day. Not just him the whole team. High pressured city job which definitely pays a lot but is stressful in terms of what I just wrote. So I have to on my days off think of his breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks. He will always say no when I offer something but I feel sorry for him so I make something and he will gobble it up within seconds at his desk which makes me feel bad for him! It’s a vicious cycle, I’m angry I have to keep thinking of feeding him but then feel guilty if I don’t.

he has never cooked a meal in his life. Weekends are the worst at I have a fussy eater who I have to keep trying to coax to eat. My other child is good at eating so will eat what ever anyone else is eating. I’m so fed up. They’ve all gone to Sleep ages ago but I’m sat here clearing away the plates and just do angry with life. Once I’ve cleared up I will be exhausted so I know I’ll be eating biscuits to give me a boost. I don’t want to be fat anymore but my family don’t make it easy!

Plenty of women work high powered city jobs whilst feeding their kids and themselves, so your husband is quite capable of doing so too. Give him a choice, her can pull his weight of pay for a housekeeper to do his share. Get someone to come in and cook family meals, do him a healthy lunch etc.

You also need to take responsibility for your own eating. You don't need a biscuit energy post at 11 o'clock at night. If you're tired that's because it's bedtime.

I just feel guilty. There are obviously times I’ve done this but then the guilt gets to me as he will say he’s got a headache as hasn’t eaten since last night and skipped breakfast and lunch etc.

I get it! Stress makes you stress eat/comfort eat hence the weight, maybe you need to have a word with all the family members not just hubby.

What if they help with chores more and wash up and dry up etc.... then you might be ok with the cooking and stuff as you don't need to do everything after too, also you get to cook meals that are healthier and better for you all and you will feel a bit better about it all.

Meal plan, day to day plans of what meals to cook, list ingredients you need to make healthier meals, look up recipes online there's some good cook books too, pinch of nom books are really good and don't require luxurious ingredients and are healthy and quick and easy.

Maybe try exercising, soo do some work out DVD's or videos in your own home for an hour a day then up it when you get used to it, go for an hours walk in the day. Get a friend to go with you so you can both motivate each other every day to go out and do it.

😊

Yabu if you are solely incharge of cooking and I assume food shopping then it's your decision on whether to eat healthy or not. If you are emotional eating, again that is on you and only you can fix that. You are in charge of your own life and only you can change it.

You are dealing with a lot of stress and feeling unsupported. You are around food all the time.

I really feel for you. It is so hard to be the one whose first thought in the morning is going to be "what will I make for dinner that X or Y will eat", on top of breakfast, snacks, and school lunches.

Eating your way out of stress leads to more stress though.

As a way of inching toward healthier habits, can you buy yourself a supply of something that's good for you, like fresh fruit, hummus and baby carrots, ot raw nuts, and instead of finishing off the children's pudding or hitting the ice cream, have an apple instead?

Can you get out to take any exercise during the day? Or run the bath and hop in one day when you're off work?

You should aim to do something that is good for you every day, and not be constantly running around after others.

And maybe on an upcoming weekend, do some batch cooking so all you'll have to do is reach into the freezer and serve up whatever comes to hand, leaving your brain free to focus on a book or something other than food.

Words fail me! You are being completely unreasonable. I’m overweight but it’s because I eat too much. I don’t blame my DH and DS! They don’t force me to eat, same as your kids and DH.

Why do you have to make breakfast and lunch for everyone? Kids can get their own breakfast and make a simple packed lunch unless they are really small. You can just make one meal a day.

Separately I think it's really hard to lose weight when you're stressed so a frank conversation is needed about the housework when he's home. Why should you be washing up after you've cooked dinner?

It literally takes seconds to make cereal and a sandwich. He could probably make it faster than going for a toilet break and then just eat it at his desk. He is also capable of grabbing himself a piece a fruit or a biscuit. You have nothing to feel guilty for. He’s choosing to not eat so you come and serve him food all day

I do understand op. There are circumstances which make it much harder for you. I definitely blame my dh as instead of supporting me to lose weight, he purposely buys whatever naughty treats I love and leaves them for me to find.. Of course like you I should have more willpower.. but it's infuriating.

@ICantStopEatingg1

So I have to on my days off think of his breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks.

That's on you! You don't have your that at all!

He is a grownup. He can take an aspirin or manage his eating better.

How will he learn to adult if he has no consequences for his poor time management and failure to include eating in his daily (non)plan?

What a big baby!!

And who buys the biscuits?

I don't really understand. I think I also have this problem but I know it's because when I make food for my child I can't help but have a little as I'm making it or have a little with her and then a proper dinner later - so it just adds up.

Is this what you're saying? Or just that you're too stressed by it all that you're eating biscuits? Surely a couple of biscuits at the end of the day hasn't made you a size 20 from a size 8?

Anyway you are where you are - it sounds like you have a bad relationship with food and don't enjoy making it for everyone. So....don't? Your husband will be ok, he can get food for himself if he's hungry. Or you could just buy him a shop bought sandwich or salad etc.

If meals for the kids are overwhelming - try batch cooking? And the fussy eater - don't try and coax her, I KNOW it's hard, I have one too but any kind of pressure is your enemy. Just give her dinner with at least one accepted food and she will eat what she eats. I don't say this lightly I know it's the hardest thing in the world but keep offering her different stuff and one day it might change. My fussy daughter licked an egg today and I took it as a win....so you know i get you!

I don't cook. No one likes it if I have to, because if I'm cooking, food is a chore and it's quick, healthy and boring.

Both dh and I work full time. If his meal sizes are too big, I just don't eat as much and leave food on the plate. If he offers snacks (like tonight, 5 minutes ago) I just don't eat them. My weight is my responsibility. If you don't work full time, you've got more time to exercise too. If your dh is weak with hunger cos he hasn't had breakfast, tough. He's an adult. I could have 20 minutes a day extra in bed, but I know I need food before work, so I plan for it. Your dh could use my getting my makeup on/40 minute drive to work time to eat.

You don't have to constantly think about it though. Meal plan once a week. Then no thinking required till the same time next week. I know it's not what you want to hear but your in a good position to do something about what you eat because you're the one who plans and buys it.

I think the best thing you can do for your children is to get healthier (even if it’s not weight loss) - fewer UHPF, fewer snacks, fewer maccies, more fruit and veg.

And stop teaching them that because men leave the house to go to work they are expected to do bugger all when they get home. They will grow up doing what you role model at home, so another generation growing up with sexist ideas of male and female roles.

Then that’s on him! You can’t have it both ways! Either you stop thinking of food for everyone constantly, including making it and serving it to a fully functioning adult (as well as all the resentment that builds), or you carry on feeding him every.single.thing and nothing changes.

And in terms of what you can do about changing it: you tell him you’re not his fucking mother and if he wants to eat he fetches it himself like the adult he is. You tell him that you’re not a maid and if you’ve prepped and cooked, he clears up. You tell him that he can do a bit of forward thinking and get some stuff ready before work to have next to him for when he gets hungry. Based on your description of his job, he’s a capable, competent person at work. Stop enabling him to act like a child at home with you running round after him like his mother.

I would bet that it’s resentment at him not pulling his weight in the family that’s driving your unhappiness (and therefore your feelings about your weight).

There will always always be temptation OP, but only you alone are responsible for what you choose to put into your body, how much and how often.

When I gave up smoking I lived with two heavy smokers which made it much harder, but eventually I realised I was using them as an excuse and someone to shift the 'blame' for my smoking onto.

Ditto ex drinkers who live with drinkers. If you don't take responsibility for your own weight, no-one else will.

But actually, no-one else should have to.

sorry , you are kidding yourself on. You need to focus on your weight loss journey and stop blaming your husband & kids , how does your husband manage when you’re at work?

Have you tried Slimming World or similar? You need to start putting all this time you are spending trying to get your husband to eat on yourself. Be sure to meal plan & if your family don’t like it they can make their own food.

Look into divorce.

Or at least stop feeling sorry for him and acting like his mother. If he's so busy and important then he can feed himself. It's not your job to feed him. He's a grown man and if you weren't there I'm sure he'd find time to eat. You're enabling him to be big and important by looking after the children and house. Stop doing everything for him that goes beyond what is responsible and focus on your health. Why does he deserve so much consideration yet you don't grant it to yourself.

Nobody is force feeding you here but your problem is the imbalance in your life. You are worthy of time and attention and proper nutrition and rest and equality.

Also, I agree with the PPs who've said you need to get a handle on this for your kids sakes.

Kid need healthy eating modelled to them to give them a chance of growing up a healthy weight.

OP I think you are in denial. Nobody is responsible for your weight or the guilt you feel if you don't make your husband meals. He needs to organise this himself, for example prep something the night before or earlier in the morning. But it is not on that he NEVER preps a family meal, especially as it isn't your choice to do all of it. He needs to do his share.

I know it's hard to lose weight but a first step is to find out where the problem lies within you! It's about your relationship with food. You say yourself you reward yourself with a biscuit. It seems you are really struggling with something and use food, so that's something to find out. You don't have to do it alone. A therapist can help for example.

I will offer one thing you didn't mention and that is intermittent fasting. It has lowered my appetite completely, I stopped snacking as I just don't long for anything and eat about 2/3 of the calories I ate before.And I ate a lot and food was on my mind every waking hour. I don't go hungry (you may need a couple of weeks to ease yourself in). I feel completely different.

YYY @LegoTherapy