I’m fat because of my kids and husband

[ICantStopEatingg1]

I’m so fed up of constantly overeating. Before marriage and kids I was a size 8. Now I’m a size 20 (actually work trousers feel very tight but I refuse to go up any more). I’ve tried low carb, keto, slim fast, calorie counting and most recently NHS weight loss app. The thing is I know my main trigger - having to constantly cook and think of food for everyone in the family. I know I can’t help it for my kids and it’s not really them it’s my husband. I’m sorry to vent here but I cannot talk to anyone else. I might be over reacting here but I think he’s Mainly responsible for my weight gain. I’ll give an example:

I was super healthy mon- wed when in work and I have Thursdays and Fridays off. He’s working from home. Just to paint a picture he has a stressful job where he cannot take a break, lunch hours are non-existent as they are in client meetings all day. Not just him the whole team. High pressured city job which definitely pays a lot but is stressful in terms of what I just wrote. So I have to on my days off think of his breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks. He will always say no when I offer something but I feel sorry for him so I make something and he will gobble it up within seconds at his desk which makes me feel bad for him! It’s a vicious cycle, I’m angry I have to keep thinking of feeding him but then feel guilty if I don’t.

he has never cooked a meal in his life. Weekends are the worst at I have a fussy eater who I have to keep trying to coax to eat. My other child is good at eating so will eat what ever anyone else is eating. I’m so fed up. They’ve all gone to Sleep ages ago but I’m sat here clearing away the plates and just do angry with life. Once I’ve cleared up I will be exhausted so I know I’ll be eating biscuits to give me a boost. I don’t want to be fat anymore but my family don’t make it easy!

The OP is looking for a permement change to what she percieves to be excess weight.

It is very clear that her excess weight gain is because of her behaviour and beliefs around food i.e not wasting leftovers, feeling guilty about eating when her husband isnt.

Nothing about these diets addresses anything like that and are not nutritionally balanced. Therefore they are not going to work for her because their purpose isn't long term.

So yes she may lose weight, but it will be temporary and the restrictions of following these diets especially Keto and Atkins may not be compitable with her lifestyle long term and therefore not sustainable.

For OP it would be better to establish and tackle the root cause of why she is consuming excess food (stress, guilt and fear of throwing food away). From here she can then look at consuming a healthy diet that works with her lifestyle with reduced kcal. .

Most of diets she mentioned are products to be sold by big companies i.e you have to buy the books, or the shakes etc. Calorie counting and the NHS are behaviour modification tools but can only be used if there is no underlying cause i.e. the guilt, stress etc.

You've cast yourself as the martyr.

You're not overweight because of your family. They don't hold you down and force the biscuits in.

What's their weight like?

So I have to on my days off think of his breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks

No. You don't. Stop it. He is not a toddler. He knows where the kitchen is.

He will always say no when I offer something

So respect that, LISTEN to him.

but I feel sorry for him so I make something

Even though he's said no? That isn't about him, is it.

And he will gobble it up within seconds at his desk which makes me feel bad for him!

This is not healthy. He isn't a baby bird needing food crammed down his beak.

It’s a vicious cycle, I’m angry I have to keep thinking of feeding him but then feel guilty if I don’t.

No, you don't have to keep thinking of feeding him.

He's a grown man. Not a cluster-feeding baby, a toddler or a chick!

And he's not a boiler, either. Nobody needs constant stoking.

Just stop it.

When not at work, and he's WFH, have other things to do. Go out, go for a walk, go swimming, the park, taking exercise that will immediately benefit you.

If you must, leave breakfast cereals, the makings of sandwiches in the kitchen. If he's that weaponised-incompetent-enabled, teach him to microwave a bowl of soup and pull a baguette apart.

OP I really think meal planning will help you. If you don't do it, the mental load of constantly thinking about "what next" will always weigh on you.

Before you move to meal planning as a system, grab a piece of paper and write family friendly meals you know everyone will eat. Grab a keto or low carb cookbook and consider how you can adapt those meals to be more restrictive for you.

Eg:
Rogan josh, beef stroganoff (you can eat without rice)
Sausages/ steak and roast veg (roast some broccoli and cauliflower along with the more carby veg and only eat them, yourself)
Spaghetti bolognese, creamy chicken pasta (hard to make healthier- might be worth having a soup separately those nights)
Tray bake chicken thighs with veg (healthy enough as is)

Once you have your list of fail safe meals, you can refer back to it each time you meal plan so you dont have to spend ages thinking. And also have a few spots a week for something new or more adventurous if you're that way inclined.

Don't have sugar, biscuits, ice cream in the house. Sugar cravings are something else. I found the only way to beat them was to remove the temptation. Have mini cucumbers and tomato, cheeses, greek yoghurt, peanut butter, peanuts, macadamias. You won't feel thrilled to snack on them at first, but they'll do. After a while, you'll look forward to them.

I just meal planned for the next week for our family of five, and made a list for my husband to go shopping with the kids. Then I'll prep a meal to freeze for later in the week, and prep tomorrow's meal as well. Less mid week madness for two full time working parents.

And try to go for a half an hour walk three days a week. Plan it in advance so you don't just wait for an opportunity which never comes. Sounds like you desperately need this for your mental health, and the added bonus for your physical health is good too.

Good luck!

Well I don't know if this will help, but for me mainly budgeting reasons I know what we are eating a week in advance.

I plan the food a week ahead. So all meals I preplan. On my day off I make granola and some sort of other snack like oat muffins and label tupperware boxes for everyone to grab throughout the week. At lunch or 10 mins in the day (sometimes morning) I prep the dinner (if it's stir fry, or whatever quick evening meal) so get together the ingredients so I can chuck in pan quickly without faffing.
Risotto, pasta bakes, pies or lasagne I make in advance so it's a case of bunging in oven.
Lunches I generally have a quiche or frittata I premade in the fridge or on a hectic week just buy one and they are a quick grab lunch or lunchbox item which makes a change from sandwiches. Tbh even having cheese pregrated in a box in fridge, little things make it easier when doing lunches quickly.

Breakfasts overnight oats are quick and easy, less then 5 mins before bed and it's a grab and go.

It's a bit of faff one morning a week, but saves more time over the week and less headspace when it's all done ready for you.

Also I found quick hacks to all meals online to cut down time to fit it all in. As for healthy and snacks I just find an alternative recipe online or ideas to get a similar thing that's healthier.
I make puddings sometimes but a healthier version. I use to scoff chocolate or cheesecake, but making caramelised bananas did the trick, or a dessert with greek yoghurt hit my cheesecake need. I find diets themselves and cutting out treats entirely just made me crave them more and binge. So I just cut down portions of those items and picked a healthier version (obvs not a teetotal sugar addict 😂) but it's worked for me.

Also making sure I ate a proper meal before I reached for snacks made me have less.

Everything I make is under 30 mins. Just the oven time in the evening (I like my pasta bakes crispy) so I turn oven on as soon as soon as I get in the door.

Also OP I found this helpful as a recipie analyser (its US) but gives you a breakdown of kcal per portion and other nutritional information.

happyforks.com/

You can't blame anyone else that is on you

Unless your husband and children are holding your mouth open and physically forcing unhealthy amounts of food down your throat then I’m afraid it is you who is to blame for being “fat”. No one else. You.

Of all the excuses!!

Your husband has not got you to a size 22, nearing 24.... that's you!!

I don’t understand why you feel your husband and kids are to blame for your weigh gain. Is it that you’re saying you don’t have enough time to plan to eat healthily? You said your husband earns well and is stressed. Could you get more domestic help like housekeeper for a few hours a day. Or week so that could free you up. Then learn about healthy eating and plan better meals for all.

and stop eating biscuits and leftovers

Kindly OP, no one needs "a boost" of biscuits at 11pm. Just go to bed.

Yes thinking about the next meal is exhausting. That's why you can batch cook 4 to 6 portions of something like chili or spag bol, box it up and pop it in the freezer. Work your way through your favourite meals and freeze them all in individual portions. Have 20-30 boxes stocked up. Labelled with date and meal name. I swear to God this is the only way to live if you both work and have kids. (Or simply don't want to spend half your day cooking!!!!!!!)

By doing this we avoid takeaways (expensive and unhealthy), reduce the mental load massively, save money, AND eat more healthily because you can freeze pretty much ANYTHING. You are in control if you batch cook and freeze.

But honestly I think you would find counselling helpful, unpick what is going on for you mentally and emotionally around food - break the cycle.

Slightly off topic but your husband is being rediculous claiming that he can’t have a lunch break and thereby making you make his food.

Assuming you are in the UK, he is legally entitled to a lunch break and rest breaks. Also, if he is a VDU user, he should be away from his screen for 5-10 mins every hour.

His wimpy inability to advocate for his legally protected rights at work shouldn’t mean that you have to carry the load 🙄

If you aren’t in the auK, then he should prob look for a different job because a job where he is unable to step away from his screen and take a break all day is unsustainable from a health point of view.

Only you are responsible for what you put in your mouth
Track your food intake on my fitness pal and take responsibility

And get your 'd'h to get his finger out of his arse and cook

>Just to paint a picture he has a stressful job where he cannot take a break, lunch hours are non-existent as they are in client meetings all day. Not just him the whole team. High pressured city job which definitely pays a lot but is stressful in terms of what I just wrote

I am sorry but I have worked for many people who might be considered high powered, CEOs, continent heads, company owners, lawyers, very senior investment bankers and film execs, trading floor managers, many of whom earned in excess of millions. Not a single one of them has ever said to me “I don’t have time to eat.” They responsibly manage their time so they do, because that’s what high powered people do - they manage their time - which includes saying no. If your DH literally has no time to eat then he is not managing his time, or not saying “no” when he needs to, or is thriving off what he considers to be the kudos of being able to say “I have no time to eat.”

Either way, don’t let it be your problem. So he earns well, get in a stock of healthy ready meals. All Week are really good for that. They will cost £7 plus per meal but are lovely and healthy.

Stop feeling guilty and like you have to justify being at home two days a week by doing ALL the things AND feeding him. You are plenty busy enough without having to prove to him that your two days a week are justifiable because there is always something to eat on those days.

He can have bags of popcorn or nuts on his desk if he is so sodding Busy And Important.

Seriously, it’s behaviour I would only ever expect from someone in the first year of trying to make their own small business work, when you have to work your fingers to the bone.

As to the rest of it, you taking on all the things is very undesirable imo and I think you need to take a good hard look at the split between who does what. So he earns the biggest salary, means he gets away with doing no life admin at all? Sorry, sod that. You are not a 5 day a week SAHM and he is taking the royal piss by letting you do all that and not stepping in to help.

But then, he’s SO Busy And Important.

drama eye roll

As to ordering McDs whenever you ask him to help, I would treat that with the contempt some parents rightly do when they discover their parents have been feeding them eNumbers and crap all day. “Don’t you dare feed my child that, do better.” And he does need to do better, but you have to put your foot down. He wins dad points by ordering shit food too, remember? No. Time to play Bad Cop and get the kids something to eat (or god forbid, make it) that doesn’t encourage them to get hooked on sugary, fatty foods.

As to your own eating, I think maybe you do yourself a disservice saying it’s because all the meals you have to plan. I think you are bingeing sugary stuff because you are burned out and your body needs the energy boost.

I don’t really think your weight is the overriding problem here. I think it’s the combined attitudes of the people in your household and their various demands that are the root cause, and you are coping with it as best you can. But it’s maybe misguided coping. You need to start putting your foot down. If folks want seven different meals in a week then they can sit down and do meal planning with you. Get him to take precious weekend time aside to buy a week’s shop with you.

Stop sacrificing your sanity for the demands of a fickle household and once you feel you are far more supported and in control of the situation, you will have no problem losing weight in the future.

I’m really confused, how is your husband and kids responsible for your weight and unhealthy diet when in your words you di everything, shopping food prep, cooking. Surely the person doing this is the one responsible for the families diet????

I regularly feel my DH is responsible for my unhealthy weight and diet, but the difference is I have chronic health issues which limit my ability to do basic tasks. Including any form of exercise. My DH has taken on everything including cooking 99% of meals. He works full time, has adhd, dose 99% for kids stuff, dosnt personally eat fresh health food which is the 1% I come in to remind him. Most of our diet is UPF or just generally easy and unhealthy. I eat it because I already feel a burden and don’t like to nag. When I do nag he steps up, but it’s nothing like when I’m going through an energy phase and can cook healthy meals. This includes 2 fussy eaters and an allergy child.

You need to stop blaming them and take responsibility, you shop, you cook, you are the one responsible for your own food, even if it’s not what everyone else eats.

Hi OP. This will sounds really harsh, but I also have a DH working endless hours in the city. And i have two children. And I'm a size ten and make sure it stays that way.

When. DC were young, I ran or did an exercise video before husband left for the day.
No one else controls my weight or health except me.

Yes honestly if you want to change you have to do the work. Starting with not blaming dh and dc.

@KievLoverTwo

I am sorry but I have worked for many people who might be considered high powered, CEOs, continent heads, company owners, lawyers, very senior investment bankers and film execs, many of whom earned in excess of millions. Not a single one of them has ever said to me “I don’t have time to eat.” They responsibly manage their time so they do, because that’s what high powered people do - they manage their time - which includes saying no. If your DH literally has no time to eat then he is not managing his time, or not saying “no” when he needs to, or is thriving off what he considers to be the kudos of being able to say “I have no time to eat.”
I disagree with this. I'm a lawyer and have deliberately pursued roles with lower billable targets (and thus have a modest salary compared to many of my peers) but it's still not all that uncommon for me to not have time to eat. I can certainly see it happening more often in the OP's DH's sort of environment.

He will always say no when I offer something but I feel sorry for him so I make something…

Take him at his word and stop thinking for him! Focus on taking care of yourself. He clearly doesn’t give a second thought to supporting you or when he orders Maccies. If he’s such a city high flier and successful in his job surely he can turn his hand to cooking. Important meetings all day you’re telling me he can’t even make beans on toast??

If you don’t have time to eat, does someone bring you something to eat? I have worked with or for maybe six to eight lawyers across four industries and whilst not all of them have half hour to go get food, someone is responsible for bringing it to them. So they all ate.

What's so "stressful" about making food?

Your kids are school age, so most days just need breakfast and dinner.

Your husband can surely take a break for a sandwich. How does he survive on the days you work?
Or you can make him whatever you've made yourself for lunch, e.g. healthy salad for both.

Dinners - plan healthy meals, for the fussy eater something quick in the oven (e.g. fish and chips, pizza or whatever they'd eat).

Clearing off the table and washing up - is it really that much for 4 people? Dont you have a dishwasher?

Forgot to add snacks - how are you "making" snacks?

In my house that would be ready stuff, like fruit, rice cakes, yogurts etc. See, healthy options!

Yes to all of this!

And very well put too.