I’m fat because of my kids and husband

[ICantStopEatingg1]

I’m so fed up of constantly overeating. Before marriage and kids I was a size 8. Now I’m a size 20 (actually work trousers feel very tight but I refuse to go up any more). I’ve tried low carb, keto, slim fast, calorie counting and most recently NHS weight loss app. The thing is I know my main trigger - having to constantly cook and think of food for everyone in the family. I know I can’t help it for my kids and it’s not really them it’s my husband. I’m sorry to vent here but I cannot talk to anyone else. I might be over reacting here but I think he’s Mainly responsible for my weight gain. I’ll give an example:

I was super healthy mon- wed when in work and I have Thursdays and Fridays off. He’s working from home. Just to paint a picture he has a stressful job where he cannot take a break, lunch hours are non-existent as they are in client meetings all day. Not just him the whole team. High pressured city job which definitely pays a lot but is stressful in terms of what I just wrote. So I have to on my days off think of his breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks. He will always say no when I offer something but I feel sorry for him so I make something and he will gobble it up within seconds at his desk which makes me feel bad for him! It’s a vicious cycle, I’m angry I have to keep thinking of feeding him but then feel guilty if I don’t.

he has never cooked a meal in his life. Weekends are the worst at I have a fussy eater who I have to keep trying to coax to eat. My other child is good at eating so will eat what ever anyone else is eating. I’m so fed up. They’ve all gone to Sleep ages ago but I’m sat here clearing away the plates and just do angry with life. Once I’ve cleared up I will be exhausted so I know I’ll be eating biscuits to give me a boost. I don’t want to be fat anymore but my family don’t make it easy!

@ICantStopEatingg1 have you considered weight management services, which could help you design a diet plan or even consider whether medication might be suitable for you? There are NHS weight management services and also private ones via places like Boots.

I also feel the need to eat when I'm tired and stressed. Eating biscuits etc feels like some kind of reward at the end of the day. My weight was bothering me and my clothes didn't fit so I tried slimming world, it's really helped me identify my disordered relationship to food, breaking the habits I formed has been challenging but hearing the stories and tops of others has been so so helpful. It sounds like I work for them! It also gives me an hour to myself! I think of food so so much in the day, it's my main thought! I read cookbooks like novels! It's hard to curb my thoughts on this.

Why are you feeding your husband? Presumably he knows where the kitchen is.

I totally get where you’re coming from with this. My kids are very fussy and restricted so I have fallen into the trap of just eating what they eat instead of making the things I know I should eat for myself. And then end up hungry and snacking outside of meals. But that’s my issue and this is yours. Your husband may be busy but is perfectly capable of grabbing his own food. Why don’t you take yourself off out of the house while he’s wfh? Weight loss takes a lot of planning and work, but you can do it. You just need to break these habits you’ve fallen into. The days you have off, you need to have plans and stick to them x

Hey 👋

I hear you. My DP is one of those annoying people that can eat anything, including ice cream and chocolate at midnight, and stay slim! I’m the opposite. If I followed his eating habits, I’d need an reinforced bed in no time, I’m afraid 🙄

I’ve basically accepted that we cannot compromise on eating habits. He doesn’t eat breakfast but will binge eat in the evening (and stay slim). I went up a size in 2 months when I was recovering from a surgery and couldn’t exercise (I have a strict routine of running every other day because of my sh*tty metabolism).

So, perhaps the same could work for you? Pick what you want to eat and what is healthy for you and cook for yourself? If your SO needs high calorie diet you can give him that, if not, offer him some of your health meals? Or batch cook and portion stuff in Tupperware for easy microwave surprises? 😉

Re underaged fussy eaters, from experience, they tend to get interested in healthy options if you tell them these are for adults only and kids really have to be given special permission to have them 😂😂😂

I actually find it easier to stay on plan if I’m doing the meal plan and shopping. DH does most of the cooking but if I cook I can measure stuff out. I think I get what you mean though. Your energy is being used up sorting out everyone else’s food (and life!). You need to stop doing your husbands breakfast and lunch though. We’re all responsible for our own in this house. Just dinner either DH or I will cook. DD does the washing up/dishwasher

I'm sorry but your weight is not their responsibility. It's like saying 'im an alcholic because of my husband and kids.' which simply wouldn't be true.

Just because you were a size 8 before kids doesn't mean it's their fault. Ot your husband's. You sound like you're letting food dominate your everyday life.

Make a meal plan only buy what is on it and stick to it. It can be boring. You don't need to think up elaborate new meals. Batch cook some stuff and have it twice a week. Nobody ever died from reheated shepherds pie or eating pasta bake twice in a week. Do things you know you can cook in under 30 minutes on the days you don't batch cook.

How many calories a day are you eating, being honest? You need to count everything. I do mean everything. How many calories are you drinking? Drinks add up very quickly. Adding exercise will do nowhere near as much as cutting down calories, especially as at a size 20 exercise could strain your joints a lot. You won't see results for a couple of months because weight loss is very slow and that's why most people give up,because they can't see instant or even relatively quick changes.

You’ve basically said ‘my husbands job is stressful so I eat’
what do you want him to do?

Thank you everyone for all the comments. Lots to think about. I do feel incredibly stressed and over worked all the time. Everything is on me - food, housework, kids admin, life admin absolutely everything. Even the gardening and cleaning the car which I did on Friday. Took literally whole day then time to pick up kids from school and start whole feeding touring over and over again. Kids are 5 and 7 so I need to feed them they can’t get dinner etc. themselves yet. But I suppose I could cut food up as snacks and they get themselves?

im so grateful for all the tips. Sorry if I don’t reply now I’m off to bed now. I just feel it’s the same bloody boring stuff on repeat. I don’t do anything for myself as no time.

@ICantStopEatingg1 I am sorry but I cook healthy meals for my kids, I bake and make treats for everyone. I have never dieted in my life and I don’t blame my husband for my size.

Your cooking and maintaining your family’s food intake have nothing to do with you shoving food in your mouth. I suggest you see your GP. You don’t see many fat old people because well, they all die way ahead of their time. Sorry to be blunt. Accept some responsibility for your situation and get working to make changes.

denial!! You are your biggest enemy. I’m cooking for all my family but i still on diet. I’m eating my meal prep for a week because i dont have time to make my food everyday. There is a will, there is a way. You eating biscuits its not your husband fault. Its you. Stop being denial. Sorry your post really triggered me because you remind me of my obese sister, who is now size 30 and keep denial and behaving exactly like you.

Your responsible for what you eat.
Sorry for sounding harsh but its not being forced in your mouth is it.
I was huge years ago and i lived with a man that liked alot of food.
But it was down to me to eat it.
I couldent blame anyone else but myself.
So i took to work on me i still ate the same just smaller sizes.
I took up yoga i started to eat healthy my partner didn't.
After a few months i saw a difference my partner started to join me i didnt ask him or tell him to.
I think he saw the changes in food an i was more healthy and he wanted to try it i guess.
We did split up in the end on good terms but i carried on and i lost loads.
So did he we are half the people we were.
Im not a size 8 or a 10 but im half the woman i was.
Still have a way to go but im doing it.

If I were you, the first thing I would do is stop buying biscuits all together. NOBODY needs biscuits. Then batch cook. 3 meals a week on repeat. The kids won't mind if they have Bolognese every second day.

Standard boring meals are nutritious but not tempting. Once you are full from your lunch, it's easy to find a space for biscuits, but there won't be any and surely you are not going to eat another baked potato

-Extreme solution to avoid paying kids leftovers that works for me -as soon as you pick up their plates, put them in the bin or spray with cleaning spray next to sink.
-Keep a photo of you skinnier stuck onto the snack cupboard/fridge so every time you get tempted you remember your "why" and stop.
-frozen grapes are fast snacking food that give you energy and take time to eat. Alternatively, frozen melon or carrot sticks. Don't buy biscuits anymore.
-put a fruit bowl on husbands desk once a week, train him to eat one of everything every day (eg banana, satsuma, apple) and just buy packs of fruit in 6s. At a push, do the same with cereal bars/ready to go cans of tuna/lentil/pasta lunches from the tins aisle. Stop feeding him, it is beyond pathetic that he claims he can't feed himself.

-simplify all other meals. Nobody will die if you eat the same meals every day. Slow cook and batch cook, repeat. Slimmingworld and pinch of not recipe books have fab ideas that help you loose weight. I get that some of this is headspace, but if you spend 2 hours one evening a week making 3xstews, that's all your cooking done for the week. That gains you two evenings a week to go for a walk and listen to a podcast to clear your mind. Again, slimmingworld do a great one that is free.

You need to plan your 2 days off properly. Say Thursday morning tidying the house and doing the washing. Thursday afternoon ordering/doing the food shop. Friday morning cleaning. Friday afternoon meal planning, any other bits that haven't been done. Saturday morning both you and dh garden. Saturday afternoon batch cook a couple of meals for Monday and Tuesday. Sunday family day out.

Kid/life admin Thursday and Sunday evening.

It’s going to sound blunt but perhaps chill out a bit? 😎 Nobody has died from having a dirty car, perhaps worth reevaluating what really is a priority ?

I say this as a fat woman - you are being ridiculous and acting like a martyr.

He’s an adult who is capable of working in a high pressure environment - he can sort his own food.

You have disordered eating and you need to get that under control - no easy at all but you’re deflecting.

I'm a bit confused. Do you work Mon-wed, or sat-wed? If it's just mon-wed, I don't get why you're so stressed and overwhelmed by it all. Those things you do Thurs and Fri still need to be done by full timers. Just at weekends. I'm still not sure what 'life admin' is, but we must be doing it somewhere along the line.

A bit torn here to be honest, I get why you feel stressed, believe me, a lot of us probably have experienced it.

Firstly, you are not your husbands mother. What does he do when you are at work? I'm sure if he is hungry, he is more than capable of fetching himself something to eat.. and if he gets a headache from not eating, lesson learnt on his part. Myself and my DP both cook, him being the better cook. I make our 3 DC's lunches if they have packed lunch on said day, I rarely make DP lunch.. he's old enough to sort his own lunch, as I am to make mine.

Secondly, I don't think it's solely your husband and children's fault as to why you have put the weight on. You have a choice in what you put in to your body, how active you are. We all have choices.

You have great suggestions put to you from previous PP's including meal plans. You could batch cook so this takes the stress off of your shoulders from cooking everyday.. dedicate a day to cook and get it done (Sunday for example) bag it up, label it, get it out as and when. You then may have more time to be active and focus on bettering your relationship with food.

I don't believe in all these diets, I have lost 2 stone in 5 months, for me to feel better about myself.. I have gone from a tight 18 to a 14. I was late night snacking because once the kids are in bed, that's my couple of hours down time before I go to bed, so that used to be my worst time for snacking on shit. DP could eat for the world and never pile on!
I couldn't once and would never blame the kids. I made that choice, I wanted that food and I put it in my mouth! Nobody else.
I gave myself a kick up the arse, I walk miles upon miles when I can (always been a love of mine!) I have a clean healthy balanced diet, yes I do still have that odd chocolate bar or packet of crisps with a dip.. and I drink a lot more water because I've forever been rubbish at that.

You can make this change if you want it that bad. Put yourself first, along with the children of course, and look after yourself better, because you deserve nothing less x

I think k you're just making excuses. I know it sounds harsh, but you're looking for somebody else to blame.

I’m a single mum, I work full time. I feed my 2 children all their meals and snacks. What I choose to eat is my responsibility.

I get you feel in a rut, but until you accept that you're responsible for that, you're not going to get out of it.

I know this isn't what you want to hear. You choose what you (and your whole family) eat. It's on you.

Use paper plates and cutlery once a week to give yourself a break from having to clean up after kids. Simplify where you can-baked beans, scrambled egg and frozen veg is a healthy tea that takes 5 mins, for example, or oats with milk and fruit/nuts.
If the kids have hot food at school for lunch, they don't need hot tea. Have sandwiches that they make, leave sliced bread and margarine on table plus cherry tomatoes and pickles/beetroot/canned sweetcorn. and sliced cheese/meat. Instant meal with no prep. my 5 year old loves it when she gets to make her own sandwich.

I hope it helps. Be kind to yourself, it sounds very intense and it is so hard when you have to do it all relentlessly.

Channel your anger into prioritising yourself and your health

I would probably eat biscuits if we had them in the house but we don’t. Your husband or children do not need them either.

Also this. My DC won't have a hot dinner if they have a hot cooked lunch at school.
Usually that is our sandwich, wraps, cold pasta salads, cold picky type dinners!

Ok, I’m going to get tough, yes I’ve been obese, now 62, weight ok, I was at 50, food won’t hug you or solve stuff, it’s a fix, fat and sugar are addictive .
Find a good herbal tea, a soothing one, hot drinks by their nature, are.
You can with motivation find a meal plan, that includes everyone

You need to be really strict OP. You’re overfeeding others so you can eat again yourself. Adults don’t need snacks. I meal plan 1 x a week, all 3 meals a day and we don’t really deviate from the plan. We eat out 1 x evening a week but otherwise eat the healthy food I have available. Light breakfast with protein (eggs or youghurt), apple if you have to have something in between, lunch say chicken salad or Vietnamese middle salad, dinner 100gm piece fish or lean meat with loads of veg or salad (no potatoes or corn). That’s plenty of food. Plenty. Drink loads of water, no milk or sugar drinks, and go for a walk once a day.