I’m fat because of my kids and husband

[ICantStopEatingg1]

I’m so fed up of constantly overeating. Before marriage and kids I was a size 8. Now I’m a size 20 (actually work trousers feel very tight but I refuse to go up any more). I’ve tried low carb, keto, slim fast, calorie counting and most recently NHS weight loss app. The thing is I know my main trigger - having to constantly cook and think of food for everyone in the family. I know I can’t help it for my kids and it’s not really them it’s my husband. I’m sorry to vent here but I cannot talk to anyone else. I might be over reacting here but I think he’s Mainly responsible for my weight gain. I’ll give an example:

I was super healthy mon- wed when in work and I have Thursdays and Fridays off. He’s working from home. Just to paint a picture he has a stressful job where he cannot take a break, lunch hours are non-existent as they are in client meetings all day. Not just him the whole team. High pressured city job which definitely pays a lot but is stressful in terms of what I just wrote. So I have to on my days off think of his breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks. He will always say no when I offer something but I feel sorry for him so I make something and he will gobble it up within seconds at his desk which makes me feel bad for him! It’s a vicious cycle, I’m angry I have to keep thinking of feeding him but then feel guilty if I don’t.

he has never cooked a meal in his life. Weekends are the worst at I have a fussy eater who I have to keep trying to coax to eat. My other child is good at eating so will eat what ever anyone else is eating. I’m so fed up. They’ve all gone to Sleep ages ago but I’m sat here clearing away the plates and just do angry with life. Once I’ve cleared up I will be exhausted so I know I’ll be eating biscuits to give me a boost. I don’t want to be fat anymore but my family don’t make it easy!

The only way I keep on top of meals is to meal plan for the week and do an online shop alongside it. That way you only have to think about it once a week. My kids are teens but have activities some nights so eat at different times. Plan lunches and dinners for the next week plus snacks like fruit, yoghurt etc. Write it in a white board in the kitchen so it's easy to see what you need to defrost, prep for slow cooker etc. If I do a Bolognese in slow cooker, divide it up and freeze so you create an other meal. Do this with other meals so you build up a batch of stuff you can just defrost in a hurry when life gets busy. Start by not snacking, look at portion size, full up on protein and veg and smaller portion of carbs. Discuss meals and timings with your husband - if he chooses not to stop and eat, not your problem. He can grab a sandwich later. It's hard when everything falls on your shoulders so systems are your friend. The weeks I forget to meal plan usually don't go well! I like Fast 800 and the batch lady books.
Oh and don't buy stuff you don't want to eat. We don't have a local shop so if I have no chocolate in the house, I have to make do with a coffee!

Oh god, people take offence over the tiniest thing, their lives must be exhausting,

I stuff my face, we all bloody do it.

Except I never said it was offensive, just ironic in the context of the rest of the post.

But there's nothing particularly mean about it either.

Same. What a total lack of accountability. You're doing the eating OP, no one's forcing you to those packs of biscuits. And your husband often says no to your offer for you to make him something but you always do, so you're the feeder in the relationship. Not him.

I just thought it ironic in a comment telling other people off for being mean 🤷‍♀️

I think these “ you’re doing the eating” comments are quite simplistic. It’s well known that self care is one of the first things to drop away when people are overwhelmed, and healthy eating is essentially an act of self care.

It still comes down to the op to make the changes, but I do accept it’s harder for some than others . My mum has a friend who goes round for a biscuit because her ex-sportsman DH won’t allow sugar in the house, which makes it fairly easy for her to avoid it.

How's that then?
They force food into your mouth?

Wow, unoriginal AND unkind, you are winning at Monday. Well done you!

And reductionist in your thinking I would add to unoriginal and unkind.

True though yes?

Why not reframe the idea that you are not in control because you have to do the cooking to that you have a lot of power because you do the cooking.
My advice would be similar to what people have said.

1 meal plan for the week. Get health ideas from Eatng well, BBC food websites etc.

2 food prep for a couple of days in advance, so breakfast is easy, for you and dh Greek yogurt, chai seeds ( they need time to be soaked in yogurt to be able to eat them) on the day put some berries and a couple of nuts on. This is a good protein meal that will fill you up and simple.

3 Track your foods and calories. Use mypitness pal and log what you eat.

4 Give yourself a calorie allowance, maybe 1400 and log it as suggested in 3.

5 keep meals simple. This ties in with meal planning. Then you are not thinking about what you are having next.
Eg Greek yogurt for breakfasts
Poached egg on wholemeal toast for lunch
Grilled chicken with med style grilled veg for tea.
Have protein and water every meal.
I would get rid of cereal and other highly processed foods., eg biscuits and snacks. I just dont buy them, even when the kids were little.

6 portion control. I fell down heavy on this as I thought ( wrongly) the more the better with ' healthy foods' so I would pile a salad with avocado ,nuts etc. This links in with point 3.
The biggest thing is changing your mind set.

It's easy to wallow and I've been there, but turn that frown upside down. In other words flip that mind set to what you are going to do rather than what you can't.

Your food choices impact your children's future health and food habits,so here is your chance to be a positive role model.

New habits take some getting used to but stick with it.
You may get some resistance but just remind people that your the cook, they can make something else if they want. Tip. Dont have junk food, ready meals etc in the house.
Good luck. It needs to start with seeing things through a different lens!

I think if you read the thread a little more closely you will find quite a number of us disagree things are that simple.

Why not join Slimming World? You will get lots of advise on cooking great meals which will appeal to the whole family and keep you on track for weight loss plus motivation in the weekly group meetings....
The biscuits, crisps cake and usual crap is down to you to limit yourself..unless dh is feed forcing you then you will hopefully find the motivation to be self disciplined from your SW group. Good luck.

Why not join Slimming World? You will get lots of advise on cooking great meals which will appeal to the whole family and keep you on track for weight loss plus motivation in the weekly group
I didn't find slimming world helpful. It didn't teach about portion control, it has a made up thing about syns, which keep changing it. Everybody I know , including me, ended up not keeping weight off once we stopped, which is great for them because you go back because you like the results and keep paying. It was not healthy in the long run.
I know there will be success stories but everyone I know has not kept the weight off two or three years after leaving.

Maybe the op could buddy up with a friend and use myfitness pal or similar and be accountable and encouraing to each other?

Op this is your own 'head stuff'. You cannot blame anyone else.

Practical things you can do- stop buying junk food.

Review the household jobs with your husband.
Make a list of what needs done and discuss it. Don't ask him to sort dinner. But what can he do?

Order shopping on an app then you dont have temptation walking through a busy supermarket. Once you have ordered a couple of times a healthy menu you can just order the favourites.

They the fast 800 menus. Really healthy and filling and it's a plan you can follow.

And count your blessings? Do a journal each morning and evening for one week on what's on your mind. Review at the end of the week. What are the themes? What help do you need?

You can turn this around

I do have some sympathy for you because it’s clear you’re putting everyone’s needs before your own, but it also seems like you are making your life unnecessarily hard.

Why are you preparing individual meals for everyone? Is there no reason you can’t all have the same thing (acknowledging you have a fussy eater)? Respectfully, your husband can make his own breakfast and lunch at the very least. I have a similar sounding job and manage just fine walking away from my desk for 5 minutes to eat a sandwich.

Dont really think you can blame your eating habbits on your family, Cant blame them if you have no control.

Try food pairing, so you match the carbs in g with at least half the g in protein.
Mini cheese is good for this, peanut butter also dunno why it works but it does. You have to eat it at the same meal though.

I know he’s not forcing the biscuits down my throat but I feel so angry I feel that’s the only way to calm down.

You are comfort eating. Your DH working a very stressful job with long hours means you have to sort all the meals all the time. You are angry that his work schedule means you are juggling work, kids and all the food planning, shopping, cooking and dishwashing. I see why you blame him. Although it isn’t him per se, it’s these roles you have found yourselves in and you see no way to change it.

Can you discuss with him what he CAN do to help?
Ideas are can he batch cook a few dinners on the weekend so some nights you are simply defrosting and heating up an already cooked dinner? If he doesn’t know how to cook, the weekend is perfect time to start teaching him how to read and follow a recipe.

Can he take over the clearing and dishwashing? It takes hardly any time and you usually do it straight after eating.

I also think you need to find a therapist or a support group for emotional/comfort eating. This isn’t your fault btw, it’s likely due to when you were a child your parents probably continued the fussy baby needs a feed into fussy child needs a treat. So your brain was conditioned into wanting and needing a food treat in order to calm down and self regulate. You need to address this root cause of why you eat when you are not hungry. No diet plan in the world will work until you find a way to manage emotional upset and anger in a way that doesn’t involve eating comfort foods.

I wish you the best as it sounds incredibly stressful for you…reduce stress and you will eat less.

Ditch the "snacks" altogether - no eating between meals for anyone in the family. It's not a good habit to get the rest of them into anyway. Don't have biscuits in the house and don't pander to fussiness - one meal for everybody and no "coaxing" (a recipe for a next generation that spends way too much time thinking about food). As soon as the dc are old enough, get them cooking. Ring-fence time every day to take yourself for a walk - 30 min at least. Then it's just about reducing carbs / sugar / alcohol and portion control. Drink lots of water and only eat what you planned to eat, i.e. what you put on your own plate to start with - no eating leftovers. Sit down to meal plan once a week, put the list of what you're eating on the fridge or whatever, and then stop thinking about it and just do it, as quickly and efficiently as possible. Then reward yourself by doing something more fun. Good luck!

I think you have a good point, OP (sorry -I'm very late to this thread).
I remember reading, years ago, that many women struggle with their weight when they have children and husbands who do no domestic graft, for the simple reason that their days are punctuated by constant meal planning, preparation, delivery and clearing up, so the continuous proximity to food (and the frustration of being the one always having to do it) tends to trigger overeating. Unfortunately, I have no useful suggestions for you. It must be very hard.