I’m fat because of my kids and husband

[ICantStopEatingg1]

I’m so fed up of constantly overeating. Before marriage and kids I was a size 8. Now I’m a size 20 (actually work trousers feel very tight but I refuse to go up any more). I’ve tried low carb, keto, slim fast, calorie counting and most recently NHS weight loss app. The thing is I know my main trigger - having to constantly cook and think of food for everyone in the family. I know I can’t help it for my kids and it’s not really them it’s my husband. I’m sorry to vent here but I cannot talk to anyone else. I might be over reacting here but I think he’s Mainly responsible for my weight gain. I’ll give an example:

I was super healthy mon- wed when in work and I have Thursdays and Fridays off. He’s working from home. Just to paint a picture he has a stressful job where he cannot take a break, lunch hours are non-existent as they are in client meetings all day. Not just him the whole team. High pressured city job which definitely pays a lot but is stressful in terms of what I just wrote. So I have to on my days off think of his breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks. He will always say no when I offer something but I feel sorry for him so I make something and he will gobble it up within seconds at his desk which makes me feel bad for him! It’s a vicious cycle, I’m angry I have to keep thinking of feeding him but then feel guilty if I don’t.

he has never cooked a meal in his life. Weekends are the worst at I have a fussy eater who I have to keep trying to coax to eat. My other child is good at eating so will eat what ever anyone else is eating. I’m so fed up. They’ve all gone to Sleep ages ago but I’m sat here clearing away the plates and just do angry with life. Once I’ve cleared up I will be exhausted so I know I’ll be eating biscuits to give me a boost. I don’t want to be fat anymore but my family don’t make it easy!

This is stress induced eating disorder. The UPF is making it worse, but it sounds as though part of the problem is resolving stress through the actual process of eating, which can lead to binge eating disorder. It is an illness and you need support, not the didactic approach on this thread.

I'm severely overweight too OP, and could easily blame my DH. I'm disabled, so he does all the shopping, and I often tell him not to buy certain things, because I know they're not good for me, and I have no will power, but he buys them anyway, because he knows I don't get much fun in my life, and thinks that buying me what he looks on as 'little treats' will cheer me up. However, at the end of the day, I AM THE ONLY ONE TO BLAME! I don't have to eat these things, and if I didn't, he'd eventually stop buying them, but I have NO willpower, and so of course the weight continues to pile on.

From what you've told us, I also can't help wondering whether your kids are getting fat too, as if you're catering to a faddy eater, and live with a man who will turn to McDonalds as a first choice, it doesn't sound like anyone in your house is eating a healthy diet. So for your kids sake, sit down and give some serious thought to the habits you're teaching them, with what you serve up.

So, while I do empathise with your weight problem, you have to STOP BLAMING OTHER PEOPLE, and decide what YOU want. If you want to be slim again, you know what to do, it's not rocket science, simply a choice that YOU need to make.

Oh, and a little tip in case no one else has mentioned it, as soon as your faddy eater has finished, pour washing up liquid liberally over the left overs, and stop buying or making biscuits, no one actually NEEDS this sort of food, and once your kids start the habit of having sweet snacks to grab, it will be with them for life.

Op you sound in such a rut. You've been given so much advice here. A lot of it will help, but only if you ars able to make changes and the biggest change is to realise that it's worth putting time and effort into your own health. You may not want to at this point though?

I don't have much of a sense of who you are and what you want from your posts.
A few years ago I didn't know either. I thought I did but when I really stopped the mundanety of every day life and focused on myself for a few days to try to identify my own needs as separate from everyone else's, it was scary as!

Sometimes we just get stuck and we need to change where we are to get a different perspective. Can you take yourself away for a night or two and do this?

Take a notepad with you and this thread.

Sometimes it takes small scary steps and trying things out to find out what we don't want before we find out what we do want.

Doing anything that helps you listen to your body is high on my list of thing to try.

Also I have faddy teens. I bought them an air fryer and let them crack on.
I've filled them full of good stuff for as long as I can, both nutritionally and in terms of love and advice on how to look after their bodies.
Actually writing this, modelling it is important. Do you model it for your children?
Maybe start there if you can't look after yourself for you?

@Aquamarine1029

“Plan your husband's meals and snacks - take in a tray with the entire working day's meals and snacks even if it is soup in a flask, that way he can help himself when hungry/gap in proceedings and you only have to tackle his food once.”

why can’t he plan his own snacks and meals?

I voted yanbu because even though he is not directly responsible for you overeating, you are struggling and overwhelmed and need help. Once the other aspe ts of your life are manageable the eating will too.
Trouble is, your husband can't help. He's stressed out and busy with work so you will have to find another way.
Someone has already suggested mounjaro, is thst an option for you? I've heard it takes away the 'food noise' and resets the brain away from casual snacking so you aren't even thinking about food.
Losing weight is hard, but you really have to focus and make yourself a priority.dont be afraid to put yourself first and keep goals in mind if you really want the weight loss.

Also if my husband said he had a headache because he hasn't eaten, I'd shrug and think "well done for noticing how your body responds when you don't fuel it correctly" . I don't mean to sound sarcastic - Some people really wouldn't be able to link the two. Again, it's important to cultivate listening to your body.
It's his job to work on the next step and sort his food out. If you do it now and again, it's an act of love. If you take full responsibility it's an act of being his mother

I kind of see what you mean. I often think I'm overweight because I have a big family and friend group with lots of birthdays and occasions to meet up, inevitably involving rich food and alcohol. Nobody is forcing this down my throat but it's hard to choose the salad while everyone else is enjoying the fish pie and sticky toffee pudding!

I wouldn't be without my friends and family, I don't want to miss out but if I lived a solitary life I would be a stone lighter.

Be honest with yourself OP, are you always in the kitchen because you need to make your husband’s breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks(?), or do you make your husband all these meals and snacks as an excuse to be always in the kitchen feeding yourself?

My DH does this. He’s always offering me food, saying I need to eat, going into the kitchen to make me or the kids something that we haven’t asked for and don’t need him to make. It’s because he finds making food and eating comforting. He is doing it for himself more than for us. When he works from home I swear he spends more time in the kitchen than at his desk. He then moans to me that he’s eaten too much.

Stop buying biscuits then? It's not his fault you're overeating. You're your own person you need to have self control.

I'm like your husband. I frequently don't eat until dinner time because I get too caught up with work and meetings. On the odd day DH works from home, he feeds me (as he's a bit of a feeder, but it sounds like you might be) - while I'm grateful, I don't need this and would be just fine without being fed. I do need to have tea/coffee with sugar to stave off the headaches.

I did fall into a trap of grabbing sugary snacks to keep me going and noted this was impacting my weight (I've gone from a size 6/8 to a size 8/10) - my solution to this was to stop buying sugary and unhealthy snacks. Now when I go to grab a biscuit/choc ice/can of coke - there aren't any in the kitchen so I grab carrot sticks/cucumber/fruit instead.

I'd suggest stopping feeling guilty about your husband's eating patterns (he's an adult making decisions) and then stop buying things like biscuits that you're using as a crutch. And don't eat anyone's leftovers, they'll better serve your family by being thrown in the bin.

I get it, OP. I'm surprised how few here do, given that a lot of us are emotional eaters. You've had some terribly unkind responses.

I think the meals/snacks/cooking are actually a red herring. The issue is your anger and stress. Overeating is a very effective way to bury anger. By stuffing your face with snacks and sweet treats, you create a sense of physical wellbeing that enables you to ignore how angry and upset you feel. This won't fix itself until you feel all those feelings and then try to address what's causing them.

To start with, just sit with your feelings and try to identify them whenever you feel the urge to eat inappropriately.

Talking of terribly unkind responses, must you really accuse the OP of 'stuffing her face', just because she said she's fat and eats too much?

She's not stuffing her face, she's putting food into her mouth and eating it, just like people who don't eat too much do.

You call other people unkind yet accuse OP of "stuffing her face"?

Was that unkind? I understand why she's overeating because I used to do it too. I suppose I was thinking of myself, stuffing my face. That's what you do when you're trying to stuff emotions back down so you don't have to feel them. I don't think acknowledging that is half as unkind as telling her she's making excuses and blaming others for her weight problem, which many, many people on the thread have done.

It's just not very kind language, IMO.

But I also don't think it's unkind to tell someone that they're the one responsible for what they eat - it's true, even if there are other factors at play.

Just to clarify, when I said "By stuffing your face..." etc, I was speaking about people generally, not OP specifically. And stuffing is the right word, because it's about stuffing feelings down inside, rather than letting them come out naturally.

I sometimes feel there are people just marauding around on MN looking for someone to tell off about nothing.

I read your ‘you’ here as ‘when one is stuffing their face’ - I sometimes feel the need to type this here but don’t often as it feels very formal.

Agree and was about to post the exact same thing. Not everyone might have the right answer but I think people are trying to be helpful.

Oh yeah you have to be careful about examples. Someone got their arse handed to them yesterday because they'd said something about telling your boss he will have to be OK with waiting 15 minutes.

Another poster then barrelled in saying "oh a woman can't be a boss? All bosses are men?"

Some posters here just love to pick and cross question everything 🙄

Not telling you off, just found it ironic that you talked about being kind yet used language like that about someone who is clearly struggling, that's all.

I do agree it could offend some but I think when someone stuffs their face themselves (as do I sometimes!) they forget it could cause offence. I have to remind a friend she probably shouldn’t refer to her slimming club as “fat club”. She always says “But I’m fat and I don’t care if someone calls it fat club.”

She IS blaming others for her weight problem, have you not read the thread title and opening post?

And of course accusing someone of 'stuffing their face' is rude.

If you think it isn't, try doing it to a stranger in a restaurant and let us know how it went.

If your husband is s high earner and you also work, you must have disposable income. You can buy in help. Get a gardener and a cleaner.

You also don't need to physically go shopping. You can get a meal service and/or use Internet shopping. I can recommend Ocado. I have a meal plan set up in my Ocado Smart Pass. It is automatically dumped into my trolley every week and the delivery slot is the same every week. I only need to add things that run our such as cleaning materials etc. No thinking about food whatsoever.

Your husband and children should be helping you set and clear the table for meals. You both as parents need to be showing your children that everyone takes part in household chores.

Also, give up the snacks. They are not necessary. Your husband won't expire between lunch and dinner just because he's not had a snack.

You are stress eating and you need to stop, unfortunately as adults we can't blame others for our personal situation. Stop buying snacks, if you want continue to to plan and cook meals for both of you that's fine but he doesn't need 3 meals and snacks, he is not an infant. I also put on weight when I was taking too much on and I felt husband wasn't helping, it's a vicious cycle, and you have to regain control. I have lost around 4 stone (and kept off for 2 years). I still do all the cooking: breakfast for the kids, daughter packs her own lunch and son gets a school meal, then I make a brunch for husband and I, around 11:30am, in the afternoon everyone gets their own snacks (although sometimes I do some healthy baking for them in the weekend to last a week) then we have an early dinner around 5pm, they often have supper around 7:30/8,something quick maybe toast or yogurt/fruit, husband would have nuts or a can of tuna with mayo, but I avoid snacking as much as I can. Went from 14 stone to 10 stone, I weigh myself regularly just so if I put on a pound or 2 I know I am getting too complacent...and go back to my 2 meals a day.