I’m fat because of my kids and husband

[ICantStopEatingg1]

I’m so fed up of constantly overeating. Before marriage and kids I was a size 8. Now I’m a size 20 (actually work trousers feel very tight but I refuse to go up any more). I’ve tried low carb, keto, slim fast, calorie counting and most recently NHS weight loss app. The thing is I know my main trigger - having to constantly cook and think of food for everyone in the family. I know I can’t help it for my kids and it’s not really them it’s my husband. I’m sorry to vent here but I cannot talk to anyone else. I might be over reacting here but I think he’s Mainly responsible for my weight gain. I’ll give an example:

I was super healthy mon- wed when in work and I have Thursdays and Fridays off. He’s working from home. Just to paint a picture he has a stressful job where he cannot take a break, lunch hours are non-existent as they are in client meetings all day. Not just him the whole team. High pressured city job which definitely pays a lot but is stressful in terms of what I just wrote. So I have to on my days off think of his breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks. He will always say no when I offer something but I feel sorry for him so I make something and he will gobble it up within seconds at his desk which makes me feel bad for him! It’s a vicious cycle, I’m angry I have to keep thinking of feeding him but then feel guilty if I don’t.

he has never cooked a meal in his life. Weekends are the worst at I have a fussy eater who I have to keep trying to coax to eat. My other child is good at eating so will eat what ever anyone else is eating. I’m so fed up. They’ve all gone to Sleep ages ago but I’m sat here clearing away the plates and just do angry with life. Once I’ve cleared up I will be exhausted so I know I’ll be eating biscuits to give me a boost. I don’t want to be fat anymore but my family don’t make it easy!

I'm with the 92% - indeed, am struggling to see how 8% of people can agree with you.

As an aside
So I have to on my days off think of his breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks. He will always say no when I offer something but I feel sorry for him so I make something and he will gobble it up within seconds at his desk which makes me feel bad for him!

If you think he can't get up in time to have breakfast, and make himself a sandwich for lunch, how do you think he survives the 3 days you WOTH ?

But if you are the one 'doing everything' - presumably including the shopping and cooking - then how can you blame anyone other than yourself ?

Yes, this is a lot. It is clear that you are frustrated and your husband isn't really a life partner.

I feel I was a bit harsh as you obviously ended up in a situation/marriage that isn't serving you well. You carry it all and so of course it's so hard to do anything for yourself. Have you thought about whether you want to live in a 'partnership' like that?

Definitely try and work on the guilt. You are worth as much as any human being and your needs really matter. You seem angry, which is good. I hope your anger will get you to a stage to reassess your husband's non existing role in the household. It's NOT working out for you and I'm not surprised if he thinks he's quite okay with his life. He has it easy and his job is not more stressful than what you do. It really isn't. So yes, it's unfair and you are right to resent it all.

if you want to feed your husband while he works I would just fill a lunch box with plenty of sandwiches, snacks etc and give it to him in the morning to last him the whole day. Can the kids not eat what you’re eating? If your fussy eater won’t eat what your eating could you batch cook some meals they like so that you can just quickly reheat their meal, might be less tempting than standing cooking it every night. You could also meal plan for the week, write all breakfast, lunch, dinners, snacks down that way you don’t have to keep thinking about what to make everyone just look at your list.

I use the pinch of nom books for an evening meal. DH and DS bulk out with more carbs than me as they are both active. I eat the same breakfast (2 boiled eggs) every day, and I tend to eat a very similar lunch (salad, gammon and cottage cheese all weighed). I use nutracheck to count calories. I actually find meal planning means I don't think about food. I've also cut out artificial sweeteners completely, sugar largely with the occasional biscuit or bit of chocolate, and that has made a huge difference to my appetite. I don't eat a lot of ultra processed food, less than 5% of my overall diet.

Take responsibility for your own actions. Always the same with addiction, whether food, drugs, cigarettes, alcohol. Always someone else’s fault.

I understand that.

I'm someone who eats to excess when sad or stressed or bored or when I have to think about food....which you have to when you have kids.

I'm retraining my brain but it's hard with a family, it's like you'd need a period of time on retreat to reset...not realistic

What id say has helped me so much is Mounjaro. Honestly. It's been a game changer.

How old are your kids? Old enough to get their own food if they're hungry? If so, I'd just leave them to it unless I was eating myself, & then they'd just get what I was eating, & definitely leave your DH to it. If younger, then just do something basic, simple & boring, & even with younger kids, only cook them something if you're cooking something for yourself, that you fancy eating, they can eat fruit or a bit of bread the rest of the time, if they need anything else. And chill out about getting the fussy one to eat - they'll eat eventually when they get hungry enough, they're probably just not that hungry, my DD's hardly ate anything until they got to about age 9 or 10, they're perfectly healthy teens now, stunning figures. As PP said, your DH feeling ill if he doesn't eat is his responsibility, you're treating him like a baby.

I'm more like your DH in this situation - I only think about food when I'm absolutely starving, & I can go ages without food before I feel starving, & I have a stressful, engrossing job which means I just don't bother eating most of the day. My DH OTOH, never stops thinking about food, he's always asking me what I want to eat, and always offering me food, and we have 2 big freezers bursting with food because he's always batch cooking. In many ways it's great, because when I am starving I can just warm something up out the freezer (well, DH does it usually), but I also find it really suffocating - I sometimes wish we just had no food in the house, and I could just buy what I fancy when I feel hungry. And the slight, but constant pressure to eat food is irritating. Honestly, from someone who's not a foodie, if your DH says he doesn't want to eat, don't make him something - when DH does that to me I just feel suffocated & controlled, like he's trying to make me eat food that I just don't want. And my BMI is about 22, so I'm exactly the right weight - I don't undereat.

Well said

I don't say this to be cruel because I have extra weight myself that I need to lose but nobody is picking the food up and forcing it into your mouth. It's entirely up to you what you choose to eat and how much. All these different diets won't do you any good. Maybe try slimming world where they teach new habits and you have a bit of a support system. Tell DH and the kids that they eat what you eat and if not, they make their own

you’re making excuses. thousands of women are in the same position family wise and aren’t size 20

I completely sympathise. My partner is vegetarian. Kids don't like vegetarian meals. I don't like kids' meals. I end up cooking three dinners to suit everyone - it's exhausting and food is always on your mind.

On your mind but you don’t have to eat or eat crap. Try Mounjaro if you have no willpower.

Hire a cleaner or a cleaner and a cook ?

Take a look at the Batch Lady. She preps family meals and ’dumps’ them into freezer bags for the freezer.

The idea being that you defrost/ dump the contents into a slow cooker and leave it to cook. That way, you can detach from the mindless headspace about food.

She often does several different meals based around mince. Meatballs, fajitas etc.

Also look into lowering your cortisol. I put on lots of weight when stressed. Health with Holland is good on Insta.

Good luck. Ive been in your shoes.

Got to agree with this

Don't buy the crap, then you can't eat it.

Make sure there are healthy snacks for him - he can get off his arse to eat them or he can get a headache for not eating, thats his choice. Your bit is ensuring theres something there he can grab, if he chooses not to... that isn't your problem.

Meal plan for the week and batch cook where you can, so you can make your own ready meals in effect which just need stuffing in microwave/oven/airfryer, whatever it is you have (I have got a set of freezer to micro or airfryer glass containers for exactly this purpose).

Meal planning also means you can come up with meals that leave useful and healthy left overs, or don't leave left overs. You also CAN bin left overs, you do not need to eat them yourself!

He does sound like an idle git when it comes to sorting food for himself or if its his turn to do so... but again thats a him problem, you're making it a you problem.

3.30pm this afternoon DH asked me what was for dinner, he repeated the question at 4.30. I got cross asking why are you asking about the next meal two hours after the last one.

Meal planning, cooking, serving is such a chore. I wouldn't bother so much if I was single. So I see @ICantStopEatingg1 point

Right. So you eat nothing all day and then you’re fat because your husband eats stuff? I’m confused. You were thin before you met him but now other people eat things and you’re fat.

This has to be a joke

As Gabor Mate says, if you must choose between guilt and resentment, always choose guilt. If he is hungry he will make his own food the night before or can hire in some help as he is well paid. If he feels unwell because he hasn’t eaten, that’s his problem.

It sounds like you suffer from ‘over-responsibility’. There’s tones of stuff about it online, worth a google. It usually is a result of being wrongly made to feel responsible for adults emotions etc. as a child.

This kind of thing can also blur the boundaries of your own responsibilities and project your issues onto others.

You might find using a company like Hello Fresh or Gousto helps to take some of the mental load off meal prep. You cook the meal from scratch but have an awareness of calories per portion making weight loss easier.

So sorry that you are struggling OP, of course being unable to avoid the things that trigger cravings will make it harder for you, I dont know why so many posters are being so unsympathetic!
Being stressed & overworked makes it harder still.
Even so there is a way to get on top of things & you will get good tips & suggestions here.

You're fat because you eat too much. Nothing to do with your husband or your kids.
They are not responsible for you eating too much, the wrong thing or not exercising enough. You are solely responsible for that.
I have started Mounjaro and it has changed my life. No food noise at all.
I still cook for my children.
I eat separately from them mostly,
If you want to change, it's in your gift to change it. You need to take responsibility first however.

Stop blaming other people for your choices.

The first step to losing weight is admitting to yourself that you have a problem. I have recently lost 3 stone.
i, myself comfort eat however it would be unfair for me to blame this on anyone else. It’s my problem and I chose to work on this hence me then losing the weight.