I’m fat because of my kids and husband

[ICantStopEatingg1]

I’m so fed up of constantly overeating. Before marriage and kids I was a size 8. Now I’m a size 20 (actually work trousers feel very tight but I refuse to go up any more). I’ve tried low carb, keto, slim fast, calorie counting and most recently NHS weight loss app. The thing is I know my main trigger - having to constantly cook and think of food for everyone in the family. I know I can’t help it for my kids and it’s not really them it’s my husband. I’m sorry to vent here but I cannot talk to anyone else. I might be over reacting here but I think he’s Mainly responsible for my weight gain. I’ll give an example:

I was super healthy mon- wed when in work and I have Thursdays and Fridays off. He’s working from home. Just to paint a picture he has a stressful job where he cannot take a break, lunch hours are non-existent as they are in client meetings all day. Not just him the whole team. High pressured city job which definitely pays a lot but is stressful in terms of what I just wrote. So I have to on my days off think of his breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks. He will always say no when I offer something but I feel sorry for him so I make something and he will gobble it up within seconds at his desk which makes me feel bad for him! It’s a vicious cycle, I’m angry I have to keep thinking of feeding him but then feel guilty if I don’t.

he has never cooked a meal in his life. Weekends are the worst at I have a fussy eater who I have to keep trying to coax to eat. My other child is good at eating so will eat what ever anyone else is eating. I’m so fed up. They’ve all gone to Sleep ages ago but I’m sat here clearing away the plates and just do angry with life. Once I’ve cleared up I will be exhausted so I know I’ll be eating biscuits to give me a boost. I don’t want to be fat anymore but my family don’t make it easy!

It's a well known part of being an adult, I'm always saying "I'm sick of having to think of meals" My mum and me, had a discussion about it last week and she said that's why she took to having set things she made on certain days on weekdays, I.e. Pasta bake on a Monday, curry was on a Wednesday, fish on a Friday etc. I only say it in a jokey way though, it gets on my nerves but it needs doing.

Most people don't like it, it's a pain in the arse and there's a ton of reels on SM about it being the worst part of "adulting"

No one is too busy to make themselves breakfast/lunch. A bowl of cereal takes 30 seconds! You're treating your husband like a child, and he's behaving like one.

Two things:

1. you're being a martyr, going to the shops just for strawberries for Porridge...seriously??
2. Look into mountjaro

So you work part-time and your husband works full-time? If that’s the case, then it might be reasonable for you to take on more responsibility for the running of the house. And it sounds like the meals in the house are all down to you and you’re struggling with the mental load of this. Can you sit with your husband at the weekends and meal plan for the week and reduce your mental load? Create a shopping list and order online? Ask him to take responsibility for the kids on Sunday afternoon for example so you can meal prep/chop/cook ahead for the week? Pay for childcare for an afternoon? Kindly, if you’re the one in charge of the meals, can’t you overhaul what everyone eats and just adapt meals to make them healthier all round? I think your frustration is probably down to lack of organisation. Perhaps look at what else you and your husband are doing that can free up some time for you - it might be a case of making meal planning and cooking ahead a priority for a while until you’re on top of things. You need to change how you’re doing things at the moment, and if you’re taking responsibility for meals, your husband needs to perhaps step up more in other areas to enable you to have the headspace and time to do this. Good luck. 👍🏽

DH works in the city in a v stressful job.
Still manages to make himself an omelette or salad for lunch.

I work less so I cook a healthy dinner.
You are treating your husband like a five yr old and grasping at straws. Find something else to do when stressed. Hot bath or walk or book or whatever.

I’m a FT carer for a family member, I often comfort eat, I get how much looking after others takes out of you. I made a very purposeful decision that the time I had to myself was mine, very limited housework, no going to the supermarket etc etc. I use it to do things that prioritise me, like swimming, walking, cycling, or just watching tv. I think if you maybe did something like this OP instead of cleaning the car or spending so much time worrying what your husband is eating it might make things more manageable overall.
Ring fence some time to yourself, do something that’s about you and your needs.

I think if you got rid of the DH you would feel a lot lighter… he sounds a prick.

Also re your husband - if you want you could make him a pack lunch then I would draw a line and forget about it. Meal boxes have changed my life.

I really get how you are here, I do. Time to take back control.

I agree with this.

I am overweight. The only reason I am overweight is because I ate too much and was lazy. Nobody else's fault. I am losing the weight now but still cooking for the family.

I really feel for you, I totally understand the stress and mental exhaustion.
At the weekend, come up with a meal plan for the whole week. Buy all the ingredients and then you don’t have to think about what to make you just follow the instructions.
Make extra portions of dinner, have them for lunch or freeze them so you have a stash of healthy meals you only need to microwave.
For snacks, the only thing that works to stop me from eating them is just to not buy them in the first place. Get some healthier, individually wrapped snacks (fruit, nuts, dark chocolate) to have available if you need them. To make them more filling you can add a bit of fat or protein - some of my favourites are dates with peanut butter, grapes or blueberries with tahini, tomatoes with olive oil. Always have bananas on hand.
For meals you need to make sure you’ve got protein, carbs and LOTS of veggies. The protein will keep you full for longer so you’re less likely to snack. The carbs are so important, don’t skip carbs it’ll just make you sad. The veggies increase the volume of the meal so it’s less calorie dense.
Im vegan so you may want to alter some of these, but these are my meals for when I’m tired and in a rush.

1. pasta with beans, veggies and pesto. Boil the pasta, chuck some frozen peas in with the boiling pasta. Once that’s cooked add a tin of white beans (half a tin per portion, rinse them first), tinned sweetcorn, pesto, and I also add nutritional yeast. If I have more energy I’ll also sauté some other veg eg. peppers, courgettes, broccoli and at that at the end. Think it would also work if you had pre-cut frozen veg which you also cooked along with the pasta.
2. Stir fry. I use tofu but would also be good with chicken. The most time consuming part is chopping up veg. But just fry it all in one big wok, add soy sauce and Chinese five spice for flavour. For a quick easy carb either microwave rice or put some noodles in a bowl, pour boiling water over them and cover.
3. Fajitas. Fry onions, black beans and veggies. Wack in a wrap. Can dress up with sour cream, cheese, guac, salsa etc. on days when you’ve got more time homemade guac and salsa are great, but you don’t need them.

I also think that staying away from UPFs is the answer. They’re so high in salt and fat and sugar but they aren’t filling so it totally messes with our ability to self-regulate hunger. It’s so difficult because they’re everywhere (and delicious), but it’s much harder to overeat on whole foods. Also, how are you feeling? I wonder if you might be a bit depressed? When my MH is bad is when I feel the most overwhelmed by cooking. Maybe chat to your GP or a therapist and see if they can help. Comfort-eating could also be a sign of that. I hope you’re feeling better soon. X

I’ve always cooked for my family. Kids are now adult but one is at home. None of us are overweight. I would make decent meals and if he wants to eat crap let him go and buy it.

You’re overweight because you’re picking up the food and putting it in your mouth. Your husband doesn’t even want the food and yet you’re thinking about it and still making it him . It’s an excuse and a terrible excuse at that . Fast till lunch, get a Greek yoghurt and fruit for lunch and your usual meal at dinner and you will start seeing results. Instead of all that time pandering to your husbands food that he doesn’t want go for a walk.

If you can afford it, try Mounjaro or Wegovy.

We live in an obesogenic environment, our food system is broken, and we're genetically geared to put weight on and never lose it.

95% of people who.lose weight on diets put all the weight back on within 2 years. It's not your fault you're fat. Nor do you need to blame it on your family.

We carry so much guilt as women for being fat - it's just a reflection of our constant role of being lower status in society, and therefore not allowed to be human.

But you literally don’t work on Thursday and Friday- you could meal prep for the whole week in those days.

I understand what you mean OP. It's relentless having to constantly take responsibility for family meals, especially if you have fussy eaters.

Some ideas that might help:

1. Plan your weekly meals and stick to the plan
2. Look online for inspiration for healthy family meals.
3. Put food in front of DH and kids. If they don't eat it, they go hungry. Stop pandering to fussy eaters.
4. Don't buy biscuits and crap food. If it's not in the house, you (and they) won't eat it.
5. As soon as you've dished up, put leftovers in a tub to go in the fridge. Don't go back for seconds or eat the leftovers.
6. Find an exercise activity you enjoy, preferably with friends who'll keep you accountable.

i have a dh with a sweet tooth much more so than i ever had,
had,
now i have joined in with the sweet cravings, it is hard

You will have to address the stress and resentfulness in you life. Not easy.

So then by your logic every sahp should be overweight and it's all the dc and dh fault. I really find this the most pathetic reason I have ever heard. It's your job as the one not working to do the cooking, housework, kids stuff. I can't believe you actually think feeding yourself without restraint is anyone else's fault.

I get where you're coming from, my DH is a fussy eater and doesn't cook. I sort my own meals half the time and leave him to it, but there is something bonding about sharing a meal together, so do end up eating more takeways/pub meals than I'd like to. I try to offset it by eating really healthy and low calorie for breakfast and lunch and walking as much as possible. I'm not overweight but conscious that I'm having to work harder to keep that under control as I get older. I've been laid up for a couple of weeks with a broken leg and I think the extent of his cooking for me, was putting a frozen pizza in the oven. I totally understand the desire for wanting your partner to sometimes take on the mental load of meal planning and cooking.

There's only so many hours in the day and it sounds like you're taking on the lion's share of the household maintenance and cleaning as well? Can you get a cleaner or housekeeper in to free up some time? I've reached the point in life where I can see the value in hiring a cleaner. With the time I save not having to clean the house, I should have more time and motivation to eat better and exercise more.

Sorry OP, you seem to be getting a lot of bashing on here. Yes, you DH is not forcing the food down your throat but I understand how he creates the situations that lead to anger and overeating. Thats where you need to start, communication with you husband and fair running of the household and family. Get therapy to help you with this.

If you feel guilty and can’t cope with that then I suggest you just make him a packed lunch with snacks, drinks etc first thing in the morning and he can help himself as and when. That takes it out of the equation.

the rest-you need to stop eating biscuits, junk, crisps etc completely. No snacking. And no finishing off kids meals-squirt some washing up liquid on them as soon as the kids have finished.

Drink more water. Try something like boombod to help you feel full.

And maybe some counselling to talk through your unhealthy relationship with food.

Hi OP. I am also overweight, size 18 when I was once an 8. Have tried everything, but just can't seem to stick to it.
I know I can do something about it, but I have health issues which make it much harder.
One piece of advice, let go of your resentment. Don't make your husband snacks, especially since he asks you not to. I have 2 fussy eaters. If your fussy eater doesn't eat, give them a quick healthy alternative, e.g.egg

I agree with @SkyeAtNight I set myself a fortnight of really cutting down and now find I want less. I still eat what I want but I want less. I've also upped my water and reduced caffeine so I have no more than 4 cups of tea and aim for 3 pints of water. I have squash or fizzy water if I fancy it but recently I've started to want just plain. It's the first time I've ever felt I'm not dieting but making lifestyle changes. I have stopped breakfast too but have lunch early. My friends recommended just having protein drinks for 2 meals but I couldn't get on with that at all as I like food. Don't get me wrong it's a bit of a struggle but easier than I thought and water really helps. I don't have lots to lose but have lost nearly 2kg in 8 weeks which is significant for me given minimal lifestyle changes. I'd love to speed it up but I don't want to end up doing something I won't sustain. Wishing you luck as I have found it much harder when I WFH and I think that's one of the challenges as I hear the snacks calling to me during the day when anything gets hard or I'm annoyed.

You're an adult and need to take responsibility for yourself. Blaming others for your poor choices is ridiculous. Do you always find a way to blame everyone else for the things you do wrong or is it just with food?

You hoovering up all the kids left overs and asking your husband to get Mcdonalds and him not saying no are not the fault of your family. Start behaving like an adult with agency and get some boundaries.

I am also responsible for feeding my family- many women are. I'm not fat. They don't make you eat. You are using it as an excuse for your own anger at yourself for letting yourself put so much weight on.

See it as the opposite- you are in charge so you can ensure the whole family's meals are healthy- you have the control!

And you really don't have to get lunch and breakfast for your DH. If he wants to eat he will fit it in, otherwise he'll starve and I have rarely seen a starving office worker!