I’m fat because of my kids and husband

[ICantStopEatingg1]

I’m so fed up of constantly overeating. Before marriage and kids I was a size 8. Now I’m a size 20 (actually work trousers feel very tight but I refuse to go up any more). I’ve tried low carb, keto, slim fast, calorie counting and most recently NHS weight loss app. The thing is I know my main trigger - having to constantly cook and think of food for everyone in the family. I know I can’t help it for my kids and it’s not really them it’s my husband. I’m sorry to vent here but I cannot talk to anyone else. I might be over reacting here but I think he’s Mainly responsible for my weight gain. I’ll give an example:

I was super healthy mon- wed when in work and I have Thursdays and Fridays off. He’s working from home. Just to paint a picture he has a stressful job where he cannot take a break, lunch hours are non-existent as they are in client meetings all day. Not just him the whole team. High pressured city job which definitely pays a lot but is stressful in terms of what I just wrote. So I have to on my days off think of his breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks. He will always say no when I offer something but I feel sorry for him so I make something and he will gobble it up within seconds at his desk which makes me feel bad for him! It’s a vicious cycle, I’m angry I have to keep thinking of feeding him but then feel guilty if I don’t.

he has never cooked a meal in his life. Weekends are the worst at I have a fussy eater who I have to keep trying to coax to eat. My other child is good at eating so will eat what ever anyone else is eating. I’m so fed up. They’ve all gone to Sleep ages ago but I’m sat here clearing away the plates and just do angry with life. Once I’ve cleared up I will be exhausted so I know I’ll be eating biscuits to give me a boost. I don’t want to be fat anymore but my family don’t make it easy!

Absolutely this
Your DH is an adult, why on earth are you sorting his breakfast,lunch and snacks?
He's not 3

Meal plan
Children -toast or cereal
Lunch -sandwich or egg/ beans on toast
Dinner batch cook and pull out of freezer
Don't like it tough !

I'm sorry but this sounds like you are addicted to food and blaming your DH

So you work but also do 100% childcare, house work and maintenance.

YANBU to be burned out.
YABU @ICantStopEatingg1 to have drifted in to this situation. Where you are playing house wife but also having to make the money, manage the finance and all the house.

you need to consider the tasks and divide up / outsource what you can.

1. cleaner
2. gardener
3. dont wash the car! Mug it!!!
4. Hello fresh/ gusto to take the effort out of planning- goo options for kids
5. husband goes to shop for food shop(you make the list)
6. join a gym and go to classes twice a week or something manageable.
7. don’t feed husband during day. I agree- he isn’t your pet. Go out at the times you usually feel guilty to stop it.
8. take turns cooking the dinner when you are both working.

youll feel better. Throw some money at weight loss if you can- supplements, shakes, whatever you want- it’s your life ok- you are not a drone. Have some joy in your life. But also- don’t put the biscuit in your mouth :) find some joy elsewhere x

OP I do most of the cooking in my house and I was overweight but it was definitely my fault as I got into a rut and the food I was eating was focused towards my children who burn an insane amount running about all day rather then me and my static job!

You need to address the balance with your DH so if he's rubbish at cooking then get him to do more housework. Nobody should be doing 100%

I lost 3 stone in 8 months by doing 4: things
1: becoming aware of what my body actually needed. For me that's 1600 calories to maintain so to lose weight I needed 1200 calories.
2: Logging what I put in my mouth via my fitness pal - it's an eye opener especially uncounted calories like oils/butter etc.
3:Intermittent fasting so my window for calories stops at 7.30
4: Adjusting meals so my kids still get what they need I just have extra veg, smaller carb portion. So if dinner is chicken fajitas/wraps I have a fajita salad instead. Stir fry - swap noodles for spiralled courgettes. Pasta - butternut squash or courgette spiralled with the sauce etc.

I totally get what you mean. It’s a bit like an alcoholic trying to cut down on drinking while working in a bar.

I get what you mean. Needing to think about food makes me obsessively want to eat food, but only quick food that doesn't need thought or preparation. I've just realised that I struggle to go into the kitchen without acquiring a snack on the way past.

Doesn't help that my kids do actually need snacks around after school sport and they can't contain nuts (sports clubs have kids with allergies, or possibly one of the coaches has a nut allergy) so snacks are in the house.

Problem is that food can be an addiction but unlike alcohol and drugs you can't just not eat and you have to feed those you are responsible for, so your addiction is right there in your face the whole time.

If your husband is a highly paid city employee, do family funds allow you to get paid help? Whether that is a health coach, a cleaner, a housekeeper who cooks, someone to do the admin, gardening, taking the car to be cleaned... but mostly, someone who can be by your side to help you through this - at size 20, it is very likely that you are at significantly increased risk of ill health and your children are also at increased risk of obesity and ill health. Your feelings of frustration towards your husband and children suggest that you are quite dissatisfied with your life but your description of your husband's job suggests that you have financial flexibility to change this. It might be that you should be working full time and having a nanny / au pair / housekeeper to be responsible for running your home...

I'm gradually losing the weight I've piled on over the years. I think what's working for me is figuring out my triggers.

So, I realised that having breakfast seemed to make me more hungry. I'm pre-diabetic and find I don't get any cravings nor do I feel hungry if I just have a coffee in the morning during the week. My energy levels stay up and constant rather than flagging mid morning.

As I'm only small and am in my 60s now I (as my mum told me would happen) also don't need as much food. So I take half a sandwich to work. As I work in a school that works out well as, sometimes, we only have 10 minutes to stuff down some food after covering lunch time duty then lessons starting. A full sandwich used to give me indigestion - so that's a bonus.

Then a full dinner. But my biggest revelation was realising my trigger was mid evening. I'd crave (and give into) having something sweet. Which usually meant chocolate or cake or similar. I tried fruit - didn't have the same sugar rush. So I figured it was pure sugar I craved. So now I have a decaff coffee with two teaspoonfuls of sugar. Craving fixed, enjoy the coffee and 30-40 calories only.

I also do an on line shop and plan all our meals so I don't over buy.

And, if I'm home and DH (who works from home) is having lunch time zoom calls, I make him a sandwich alongside mine and bung it in the fridge. He can then eat when he wants and mine is done.

What does your DH do when you're at work btw @ICantStopEatingg1? You mentioned that you do his lunch on Thursday and Friday because you're home and he is too. Does he also work from home during the rest of the week? How does he manage on the days you work whether he's at home or in the office? He obviously eats then or he'd have headaches all week! Whatever it is he can do that on Thursday and Friday!

The other thing that's not been mentioned in the hard time that the OPs getting is the cost of all these constant McDonalds deliveries. If the OP knows that if she doesn't give her DH lunch, that's a tenner on a delivery gone, that's another factor she may feel she has to compensate for.

It's all very well saying just batch cook nice healthy meals or serve quickly cooked protein and veg 3 times a day, but if you've got everyone else turning their noses up at it and running off to the chippy, it can be soul destroying and a huge barrier to prioritising your own healthy diet.

Ideally everyone would eat the same fresh cooked healthy food without moaning and it wouldn't be all down to the OP to provide and clear up after. Her DH and any secondary age DC would also pitch in, but for many families that's a pie in the sky aspiration and if you've had years of living like that, it can feel overwhelming and change unsurmountable.

You are me three years ago. I stopped buying biscuits, crisps, sweets and snacks. Any fizzy drinks are diet so no sugar. If my family want treats they have to get their own as I refuse to have them in the house. I cook only meat and two veg meals and I don’t eat the carbs, only the meat and veg. I don’t eat ANYTHING with flour in it. I am hungry most of the time so allow myself very occasional treats of a single
piece of chocolate. This is working; I have lost a lot of weight but it’s happened slowly over these years.
Before anyone wades in to flame me; this works. I have been to the doctor and they have admitted that what I am doing is extreme but necessary to keep me alive. You might find you don’t need to do something this extreme but don’t let your family kill you with their demands.

Don't even buy biscuits - they are ultra processed and very bad for cholesterol!

I put YANBU because I can understand the position you are in. Been there, many years ago, and I completely understand the stress of being responsible for planning and buying and making everything consumed by the family. I suspect you would be wasting your time getting your husband to acknowledge the concept of mental load!
You can change and it is by reframing the current situation, you are the one planning and buying so you plan and buy what works for you so that can be healthier than now. Don’t make a drastic change because you are less likely to stick to it. Up the veg content of meals, have healthier snacks in the house, have a meal plan for the week so after each meal you don’t think about the next, you know what it will be. If you make sure that there are things for breakfast in and all the bits for people to build lunch then you really only need to plan the evening meal.

box up and freeze leftovers or if not suitable for another meal squirt fairy liquid all over them

Treat your husband working from home as if he were working in the office. Ignore him. He can sort out his own food or buy it in. If he were in the office, that’s what he’d be doing and you wouldn’t be there to worry about whether he was taking a lunch break or not.

Then think meals, not snacks. Snacks are almost by definition unnecessary. Don’t buy biscuits. Decide what meal you are going to make and make it. Your fussy eater can eat the bits they will eat and leave the rest, or you have a standby meal — beans on toast, boiled egg — that you know they will eat that is easy to prepare. Depending on their age, they can learn to make that alternative themselves. Throw away all food that is left on plates immediately after the meal.

Insist your husband helps with food preparation or clearing up every evening. He doesn’t have a long commute: he can do it and he should.

And go for a walk every day.

@ICantStopEatingg1

For goodness sake OP, stop feeding your husband! He will not starve if you don’t make him food. He might try and guilt trip you, but if you fall for that shit that’s on you. He is a grown man!! He can make his own snacks etc.
start prioritising yourself! 💐

Taking personal responsibility is hard but essential.

This is about you, not them. You are making poor choices.

I would suggest counselling. It's important to you address this before the kids grow up with the bad habits you have.

You cant blame anyone except yourself for your weight, no-one is force feeding you! Take responsibility and get yourself on Wegovy. Then your success will be your own.

I kind of get what you mean as I have similar issues with kids but ..... You have to take responsibility for your own health. It doesn't matter what anyone else does or doesn't eat and when they do it - you need to set your own boundaries for yourself around food.

What do you cook? My general rule is a lump of protien. Pan fried then in the air fryer to finish off, carbs often rice tbh. Lots of veg, often blanched and then tossed through the pan to pick up some buttery meaty or salmon flavour. It doesn’t take long. Get some flavour rubs, you can mix it through half the rice or veg or meat. Plain stuff for the fussy eater. Jamie Oliver and Nadia Hussien do some nice ones. Buy veg that requires little to no prep. Tender stem brocolli is a favourite, baby spinach, sugar snaps. I have multiple fussy eaters. I plate everything up family style and people help themselves. Rules are you eat what you choose so just take a little if not hungry or unsure.

I use leftovers for lunches, rice is great with a bit of plain yoghurt, chopped up veg and leftover meat or a tin of tuna. Just mix it in a Tupperware tub and stick in the fridge and it’s good to go.

I do spend a decent amount on food, my dinner budget is £15 to £20 for five but just serve water/ milk never have takeaway or eat out or drink alchohol so I think it balances out. My food is always really nice but it’s a twenty minutes to the table job, little prep so kitchen is not a disaster just a few pans to wash. Also if the ungrateful blighters don’t eat it I get a nicer lunch as it’s food I like, rarely happens. I feel like Ive spent days possibly entire weeks of my life peeling potatoes and carrots and being creative with mince and the pay off just isn’t worth it.

Try Joe wicks body coach app. It provides meals and snack recipes and you choose what you're having for the week and it makes you a shopping list. You could maybe exercise on the days you're not working. Make you and your husband the same food.
For the kids - get them to tell you the foods they like and on one day a week get them to help make their meal plan with you. Yes it's more work on one day but then the whole week is easier.
Also have you thought about batch cooking- again if you can get everyone involved. Even if it's just cutting up veg. Let everyone see the load that's on you and share some of it.
The last thing which I find hardest but I've lost loads of weight by not grazing off the kids plates. Just put the left overs in the bin, you don't need it.
It sounds like you also need some space in your life to find you again. Sending you a hug, hope things improve

On your non working days, kill two birds with one stone and go to gym/swimming/for a walk at lunchtime so you are out and can’t see if he eats or not.

If you feel you must have something in for him, get the weekly shop delivered on a wed night and have pasta salads or ready made sandwiches in there, to cover the lunchtimes (and enough for you to take on your walk, if that would help) And cereal bars, if you like, so he can keep a box on his desk.

I agree he should take the responsibility but the ends justify the means - if this uncouples some of your guilt and gives you time to focus on your own health, it’s a good idea.

Just use a small plate and portion out the same food but half portion. You will soon get used to it and won’t feel deprived, I have done this forever. Limit sugar as well.

It sounds to me like you have a binge eating disorder. Constantly making and offering food to those around you is a key symptom. You are eating when you feel stressed to calm down. Why don't you try switching to cereal? There are a huge variety of different cereals, whenever you feel like binging a pack of biscuits at night, have a bowl of cereal with red milk. Special K, All Bran, etc.

You are deflecting your anger & frustration onto your family, you are the one in control here. Don't have snacks in the house, surround yourself with fruit, nuts, riveta etc.

It's hard but it's absolutely do-able. Let them have their McDonald's if that's what they want, you don't HAVE to eat it too.

You can do it, start today!

Reading all your posts, I’m sorry but you’re “fat” because you eat too much. Most of that is in your own control. I cook about 5 times a year, DH does it all and he’s not fat.

He is not one ounce responsible for what you put into your mouth.

You control the food shop, the menu, the timing of meals.
It is you who has the power to make every meal healthy.

Think BEFORE you load any food into your trolley and your mouth. Buy NO biscuits. Make no cakes.Cook with fresh vegetables and lowfat meats,dairy etc and only serve normal meal sizes of healthy foods.
Your children will soon become used to eating what you make because they don't like being hungry. Your husband will not die if he is brought water, vegetables, eggs and fruit.

Visit an hypnotherapist who can train you to see celery, vegies and exercise as your friends and to see sweets, and take aways, fatty meats and cakes as POO.

Think of something else to do when lonely or tired. Do not eat. Chew gum, sing, crochet, call a friend, complete a jigsaw etc.

I totally get it