I’m fat because of my kids and husband

[ICantStopEatingg1]

I’m so fed up of constantly overeating. Before marriage and kids I was a size 8. Now I’m a size 20 (actually work trousers feel very tight but I refuse to go up any more). I’ve tried low carb, keto, slim fast, calorie counting and most recently NHS weight loss app. The thing is I know my main trigger - having to constantly cook and think of food for everyone in the family. I know I can’t help it for my kids and it’s not really them it’s my husband. I’m sorry to vent here but I cannot talk to anyone else. I might be over reacting here but I think he’s Mainly responsible for my weight gain. I’ll give an example:

I was super healthy mon- wed when in work and I have Thursdays and Fridays off. He’s working from home. Just to paint a picture he has a stressful job where he cannot take a break, lunch hours are non-existent as they are in client meetings all day. Not just him the whole team. High pressured city job which definitely pays a lot but is stressful in terms of what I just wrote. So I have to on my days off think of his breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks. He will always say no when I offer something but I feel sorry for him so I make something and he will gobble it up within seconds at his desk which makes me feel bad for him! It’s a vicious cycle, I’m angry I have to keep thinking of feeding him but then feel guilty if I don’t.

he has never cooked a meal in his life. Weekends are the worst at I have a fussy eater who I have to keep trying to coax to eat. My other child is good at eating so will eat what ever anyone else is eating. I’m so fed up. They’ve all gone to Sleep ages ago but I’m sat here clearing away the plates and just do angry with life. Once I’ve cleared up I will be exhausted so I know I’ll be eating biscuits to give me a boost. I don’t want to be fat anymore but my family don’t make it easy!

Leftovers should go straight into a bin. It's not more wasteful than you acting like the bin so switch your mentality.

That's so wasteful. Just freeze the leftovers. I only cook on the weekends. I make enough for several meals. We only eat one portion each and freeze the rest. On weekdays it's either a really simple meal or something defrosted (leftovers) and heated up. Sometimes leftovers thrown together can make for a really good meal.

Also keep staple ingrediënts in the freezer/pantry and have a rotation of recipes you know work for everyone. Or use Hello Fresh, as a poster suggested above. I only have about 12 recipes I make regurlarly. I rotate them out with other leftovers in the freezers.

It sounds like this isn't just about eating.

You say that your husband's job is well paid. Can you buy in some more help to get more time to yourself (cleaner, gardener, etc.)? There is no need to be going to the shop each morning for strawberries. Frozen or dried fruit is fine with porridge.

I've found CBT very useful for changing the way I approach life and it might help you with your guilty feelings.

I say this gently and with compassion (and as someone who lost 15st before kids, put it all back on again post kids and is now in the process of losing it again)

The only person responsible for your food intake and weight gain/loss is you.

You have to be in the right place emotionally and psychologically to lose a large amount of weight. It might be worth considering counselling or even CBT if you want to get to the root cause.

As soon as you label it a diet you're usually doomed to fail to be honest! If it's emotional eating breaking that association without intervention ie a sharp change in circumstances and/or therapy or counselling to address the underlying reasons and learn new coping mechanisms is really challenging but not impossible. Trouble is lots of people randomly pick a random amount of calories to aim for and then go shopping for lots of low fat stuff and say I'm never going to have x, y or z. Far more sustainable to work out BMR, adjust calories slowly, not exclude anything but work out macros and aim for those. I lost 7 stone and have kept it off whilst having chocolate every day (small bar) after years of failed diets. In this case OP could have a biscuit or two a day and lose weight if having a good balance of protein/carbs and then about half of those as fats.

Crux is that they need more support and more help emotionally it sounds like and physically with housework etc before even having the emotional headspace to look into a sustainable lifestyle overhaul.

I kind of get where you’re coming from- although it’s obviously not their fault, having to think about their food all the time does make it difficult when you’re trying to lose weight. I would suggest two things -

1. MEAL PLAN - write out a list of exactly what your children will have for breakfast/lunch/dinner every day for the week. Make sure you buy everything necessary for this plan in the weekly shop. This will solve the problem of having to think about their food between mealtimes. Also do a meal plan for exactly what you will eat during the week and make sure you have it all in the cupboards /fridge. Then stick to the mantra of if it’s not on my meal plan, I’m not eating it. This solves a lot of the problems around having to think about food constantly.
2. HUSBAND - he will have to eat either the same as you or the same as the kids, or cater for himself. Tell him you need to lose weight for your health and happiness and will be sticking to a healthy meal plan. You can’t be thinking about his food as well so he can choose from one of these options: a) eat the same as you - show him your meal plan b) eat the same as the kids c) plan and cook his own meals, he must let you know about anything he needs in advance so you can include it in the weekly shop.

Also it seems as though your husband is capable of finding time to feed himself on the days that you’re out at work, so why is it not possible for him to do so on the other days? It sounds as if you need to also chat to him about the burden of having to do everything - you work part time as well as taking on all the parenting and house work. Even though he’s busy being important and earning lots, he shouldn’t let everything fall to you, especially when you also work.

I understand. I don’t have a weight problem but find the incessant meal planning so tiresome. I can imagine balancing everyone’s needs plus your own discipline to be really difficult.

The only one responsible for overeating is the overeater.🤷‍♀️

Yes it is, but there are certainly factors that don't help.

Next week you don't put a single packet of crisps, cake or biscuit in the trolley. Not one.

As an experiment. See what happens.

My bet is you will be complained at. Your response is that this is deliberate and if you want to change it, you can make the effort to shop.

He will either get off his backside and get something or he'll just whine and this will demonstrate that he's been lazy in either scenario.

At this point you can start to reconsider things as his reaction will make you think about more than just the shopping.

Psychologist here, and currently using Mounjaro after getting a prediabetes diagnosis to try to reset my eating habits and drop some weight.

Those who are saying overeating is the carer's disease are not wrong. Overeating and binge eating can be a way to try to fill our own emotional cup when we are giving everyone else everything we have.

I'm a classic overly responsible eldest sibling and have always had to look after others in some way. Caregiving roles can become compulsive, whether paid or not, and we can fall into the trap of over-giving and feeling resentful but being unable to stop because it's the role we've carved out and it becomes our main source of self worth, but also something we secretly loathe.

Tackling my relationship with food has also meant starting to set boundaries so I don't end up binge eating the moment I get a second to myself because I can't think of anything else that will help the utter exhaustion.

Try to figure out why you have taken on a people pleasing role, what is that doing for you, how is it hurting you, and what you can change about the parts that are hurting you. Therapy may be helpful. You may be able to get a weight loss injectable privately which can help with the food noise and constant urge to eat leftovers and sugary things while you work on figuring out why you're eating and change the patterns.

This is a choice.

you should choose Ozempic for a year and practicing boundaries for ever. Other people can cook. You could give him Huel if you wanted. Cheap. Fast. Healthy.

just srop doing what you’re doing

I agree with the people saying you’re responsible for what you put in your body but totally relate to comfort eating being your way to calm down and switch off…I do this too, as do a lot of women I know! We’ve programmed ourselves over years and years that this is the best method we have of coping with stress.

Have you spoken to a doctor? Depending on where you live and how good your gp is they might be able to help. A friend of mine was able to get help on the nhs that included therapy addressing why we eat when we’re stressed, she had to wait about 18 months, but worth the wait. She was size 24 and now down to a 16. It’s really helped her.

Good luck OP, don’t fixate on who’s fault it is, but remember you have the power to change it 💕

I also can’t see why you need a boost from biscuits at 11pm?

Sorry, but I don't understand how you are blaming your husband here. It's not like he's the cook and smothering everything he cooks in butter, cream and oil. I'm about a stone overweight, but I take full responsibility for what I put in my mouth.

OP, I sympathise in that if you are cooking, you always end up eating. My one piece of advice to you comes from your statement that you know you will be eating biscuits to give yourself a boost. Stop buying them! I have an unhealthy relationship with chocolate hobnobs, so I simply don’t buy them any more. If you are prowling the house for a snack and there are no biscuits to be had, you won’t eat them! Start buying satsumas and apples instead.

I have not RTFT-sorry- but I am overweight , had gone up a few sizes, and I decided to start meal planning for myself as a separate thing. I didn't want to eat what the rest of the family were eating, I wanted to lose weight, and now I shop for myself separately, for the majority of the time. I also recommend calorie counting. You have to want to be healthy, more than you want that biscuit. Once you start calorie counting, you will quickly see what foods you need to avoid. For example, butter, cheese, mayonnaise, crisps, biscuits... Will not help you lose weight. Focus on filling up with low fat protein and lessen your carbs, avoid them where you can. Look up James Duigan super mince- a great example/way to avoid complex carbs, just eat the mince and veg, don't add pasta. If you eat something like a roast dinner, don't have the roast potatoes - it's still a tasty meal. You need to build good habits and only eat when you're hungry. Even if you just ate 3 meals a day and cut out all snacking, you would lose weight. Think of it as an act of self love.

There are so many women here who would tell the same story as you. Everyone wants to eat something different, and somehow they (and society) make you feel that it's up to you to provide exactly what they want, that moment, constantly.
..and because you spend your time caring for others invisibly all you want is a hug and some acknowledgement, but all you get is the assumption that you will provide the service you always have. You created the problem by being too good at it and ended up being seen as a piece of kitchen equipment, like the dishwasher.. so you get the comfort any way you can, usually via biscuits, or cake and feel more and more isolated and resentful.
The reason you didn't have the problem pre husband was because the expectations for you to be perfect (which are all in your mind, by the way) weren't there. You fed the kids, tidied away and then had 5 minutes peace.
Now it's all you think about because its a way for you to win marriage brownie points (again in your own mind) and to show your love by providing food before he even knows he needs it.
Strip it back to basics. 3 meals. He can have what the children are having, or a sandwich and some cut up fruit. Leave a plate of food in the fridge if it helps,
but you just being there to support and help is enough.
Love isn't food.

Tell him to get something to eat?

@ICantStopEatingg1 when did you last have your bloods and a urine test??

You'll never lose weight if you put the onus of it on your husband and family. Your husband needs to batch his own lunches on a weekend and freeze them. Doesn't take much to make a load of sandwiches and freeze them on a sunday. Snack wise he just chucks some fruit in a cool bag along with his sandwiches and into his office he goes. He must surely go for a wee at some point in those nine hours so absolutely can sort himself a snack/drink on the way back through. If he can't be arsed then the onus is on him. My husband WFH and is in meetings most of the day, sometimes it's literally 5 minutes to make a quick sandwich when he goes for a wee. His job is high pressured too. If I'm working myself (also WFH) I'll often make him a cup of tea or a sandwich if I'm making one anyway and he hasn't yet stopped but there is no requirement for me to do it. Stop pandering to him and you'll have much more time to yourself to exercise and eat properly. In regards to time are you a SAHM? You absolutely shouldn't be getting yourself in a tizz this much about time with two children in full time education. I have two days off work in the week and absolutely still get all of the housework, food shop planning, life admin and general life done in those two days. Even time to exercise (3 runs a week and 2 strength workouts), I'm not sure where you are spending so much time doing stuff?

Sorry not read the full thread.

I think the food is how you’re dealing with stress. I get it - it tastes good, instant high and unlike after alcohol, you can still drive, work, see to kids etc.

I would look at the stress causes. There’s practical things you can do around food and shopping, but I really think you need to maybe see a counsellor about how you’re feeling and put some boundaries in at home about responsibility for things.

Take responsibility for what you and chn eat. He’s a grown man! He can make himself a packed lunch .

Like others said, your weight gain is on you.
Husband not doing any housework is a problem. Why is everything on your shoulders only? What does he do on his days off?
It's fair you doing bigger share of house/kids/admin but not everything. If he's high earner but has no time to do gardening, clean the car, etc he should be paying someone to do some of the things. Burnt out mum is not good for the kids.

Regarding biscuits- don't buy any. They don't actually reduce houf stress, uou have addiction to sugar. Only have health foods at home. DH lunches - have ready to eat salad packs in the fridge. Or can bulk prepare them for both of you if you have time. He can also have a piece of quiche for lunch that takes very little time to cut up. I for one don't agree that you shouldnt bringing lunch to DH on your day off, just make it easy quick, and healthy as can be. Don't be afraid to outsource some of the meals to ready made supermarket options if it gives you some breathing space.

I do 'get' how some partnerships encourage bad habits, in your case it's eating. You are stuck in a groove.

However we are all responsible for our own health, op. You really do need to take yourself in hand.

Forget diets, people often put on weight with those because they spend so much time obsessing about food.

Start by trying to be fit and healthy, walking as much as you can, including going upstairs at work rather than taking the lift.

Do some vigorous dancing to music, the sort of thing that uses all your body.

Find a hobby that really interests you.

Drink plenty of water.

I do not understand why you have to do all the cooking, even if your husband doesn't have the skill, he can learn to put together a simple, decent meal. Jacket potatoes with cold meat, cheese and a mixed salad is nice and very filling. Grilled or roast salmon with new potatoes and peas is another one, a small side salad goes well with that. Omelettes are easy to do.

Porridge for breakfast with fruit. I love that, buy microwaveable sachets, and have with a mixture of berries and some other fruit. A dash of single cream won't kill you and tastes nice, I also season with a sprinkling of nutmeg and cinnamon.

Bananas.

Yogurt.

You can do it but your husband needs to be on board and helpful.

What's that? A mumsnetter blaming others for her own misfortune when it's actually directly in her control?? I'm SHOCKED. SHOCKED I TELL YOU.

You are responsible for your own weight, if you don't like it, change it.

If losing weight was easy we'd all do it, much easier to blame others.