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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I’m fat because of my kids and husband

373 replies

ICantStopEatingg1 · 14/09/2024 22:50

I’m so fed up of constantly overeating. Before marriage and kids I was a size 8. Now I’m a size 20 (actually work trousers feel very tight but I refuse to go up any more). I’ve tried low carb, keto, slim fast, calorie counting and most recently NHS weight loss app. The thing is I know my main trigger - having to constantly cook and think of food for everyone in the family. I know I can’t help it for my kids and it’s not really them it’s my husband. I’m sorry to vent here but I cannot talk to anyone else. I might be over reacting here but I think he’s Mainly responsible for my weight gain. I’ll give an example:

I was super healthy mon- wed when in work and I have Thursdays and Fridays off. He’s working from home. Just to paint a picture he has a stressful job where he cannot take a break, lunch hours are non-existent as they are in client meetings all day. Not just him the whole team. High pressured city job which definitely pays a lot but is stressful in terms of what I just wrote. So I have to on my days off think of his breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks. He will always say no when I offer something but I feel sorry for him so I make something and he will gobble it up within seconds at his desk which makes me feel bad for him! It’s a vicious cycle, I’m angry I have to keep thinking of feeding him but then feel guilty if I don’t.

he has never cooked a meal in his life. Weekends are the worst at I have a fussy eater who I have to keep trying to coax to eat. My other child is good at eating so will eat what ever anyone else is eating. I’m so fed up. They’ve all gone to Sleep ages ago but I’m sat here clearing away the plates and just do angry with life. Once I’ve cleared up I will be exhausted so I know I’ll be eating biscuits to give me a boost. I don’t want to be fat anymore but my family don’t make it easy!

OP posts:
HarpyBirthday · 15/09/2024 10:01

Not read full thread but you have to think of his 'Breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks' 😯.

The man can't even sort himself out his frigging snacks.
I would cut down to sorting out his dinner only. Weighing things such as rice and pasta has helped me. Without doing that we always tend to pour too much in the pan.
I go for 90g pasta as a portion. 60g rice.

Or reduce cards altogether.

Burntout101 · 15/09/2024 10:01

It's not about the food. It's about the stress and sense of frustration.

Burntout101 · 15/09/2024 10:02

101Nutella · 15/09/2024 09:26

So you work but also do 100% childcare, house work and maintenance.

YANBU to be burned out.
YABU @ICantStopEatingg1 to have drifted in to this situation. Where you are playing house wife but also having to make the money, manage the finance and all the house.

you need to consider the tasks and divide up / outsource what you can.

  1. cleaner
  2. gardener
  3. dont wash the car! Mug it!!!
  4. Hello fresh/ gusto to take the effort out of planning- goo options for kids
  5. husband goes to shop for food shop(you make the list)
  6. join a gym and go to classes twice a week or something manageable.
  7. don’t feed husband during day. I agree- he isn’t your pet. Go out at the times you usually feel guilty to stop it.
  8. take turns cooking the dinner when you are both working.

youll feel better. Throw some money at weight loss if you can- supplements, shakes, whatever you want- it’s your life ok- you are not a drone. Have some joy in your life. But also- don’t put the biscuit in your mouth :) find some joy elsewhere x

This^

Fingeronthebutton · 15/09/2024 10:03

Why do you constantly use the word Snacks
That was a rhetorical question btw. Snacks are your problem

Veryoldandtired · 15/09/2024 10:04

So your relationship with food is actually what’s causing your weight gain. You associate food with being cared for. Or maybe you feel like eating so that you can get that dopamine going.. like you don’t get that “feel good” factor from your life otherwise? Also, I feel that when you tell yourself it’s a diet - you think it’s temporary. But to stay slim - you need a new way of life. Simple changes here and there but stick to it.

I actually think that because my husband doesn’t cook it’s been EASIER to loose weight!

You absolutely CAN cook for everyone and loose weight yourself. You can have smaller portions, you can skip breakfast or dinner and you absolutely do not need to make snacks. Snacks can be something like apples/bananas/tomatoes/cucumbers etc.
There’s always medical weight management.

Anyways, I wish you luck. But first you need to take accountability and figure out why you’re overeating psychologically. Address that and then everything will fall into place. And it doesn’t take long. In two weeks you will feel better in six - you will form a habit … in eight - others won’t recognise you!

RedRoss86 · 15/09/2024 10:05

Hi OP,

I relate in terms of no time.
I work 22.5hrs a week and my DH is full time. Career wise, his job is extremely stressful & he is the high earner out of the 2 of us.
He WFM every 2nd week.
We have 3 children, 1.5yrs, 7 and 11.

I cook & plan all the meals, I also do the majority of housework.
Between commuting to work (1 hr each way), work, housework, cooking, getting kids to activities, we have very little time for ourselves.

I do however think there should be some free time for you between cooking meals/housework.

I think you are in the mindset of 'I have no time for me'. You need to MAKE TIME for yourself cause noone else will.

When the kids are in school, do 1 hr of housework, after that, give time to yourself. Go for a walk.
Start doing 1km. Next day do 1.5km. Build up. Get a routine going that your walk is non-negotiable. Hubby will be working & kids in school so there is noone stopping you.

I think you need to do this for yourself. Noone else is going to push you out the door for a walk.

Also if you start doing this, your eating habits will change, you'll want to eat better.

You didn't mention the foods you cook, are they unhealthy meals?
Also do you work?

Finally. I don't think hubby is to blame in terms of you eating food.
However he should be doing tasks in the house when he is finished work.
I write a list of things that need to be done daily.
Write a list & tell hubby; do dishwasher or hoover house or hang the washing. Whatever it may be. When he clocks off work, there is still a house to maintain & children to rare. He needs to pull his weight too.

Eenameenadeeka · 15/09/2024 10:06

Is this serious?This is some crazy logic. If you do all the cooking and shopping then what you eat is 100% decided by you so how can it possibly be his fault? You are making the meals so make them healthy. I get that it's a big and constant job so perhaps you can cook like a double batch or something so that you can save dinner for the next day, and spend less time cooking. it does sound like he should help out more around the house to decrease your stress levels but thats a separate issue.

Lovelysummerdays · 15/09/2024 10:07

The other thing is I don’t have puddings in the house, only bought for special occasions, no crisps or biscuits. There is a stocked fruit bowl for snacks and it’s ok to have a hot buttered crumpet/ oatcake and a slice of cheese for supper or Greek yoghurt with sliced bananas and a drizzle of honey, but no no easy grazing snacks. I’ve lost a stone and am down to a 14. I reckon another stone and I’ll be a toned 12 rather than a too tight 16 which is where I started.

Ariela · 15/09/2024 10:09

You are fat because you are not looking after yourself. Put yourself first.

Meal plan, and ONLY eat what you have planned for you. If it is fussy eater's leftovers for you, then plan for it and ONLY eat FE's left overs, not a meal for yourself (= less cooking).
Plan your husband's meals and snacks - take in a tray with the entire working day's meals and snacks even if it is soup in a flask, that way he can help himself when hungry/gap in proceedings and you only have to tackle his food once.
My favourite MN tip is make a week's worth of sandwiches and freeze - so you can take out as needed.

Don't buy snacks and treats - then you won't eat them. And don't eat other than official mealtimes. If I feel hungry I have a glass of hot water which seems to work for me. Cook slightly less for the family so you have a smaller portion. Pick a smaller plate for you, to make your portion seem bigger.
Pad out meals with lower calorie eg salad leaves.
If your children are old enough, delegate the task of clearing plates to them. If you have a dishwasher, one fills it, one empties. I don't ever do anything beyond load the sink and fill the bowl with hot water (= soaks the plates = washing by hand easier) OR stack the dishwasher with last night's plates (child labour largely not at home these days). That way I can just go on mumsnet wait to add the breakfast stuff, and it's less effort to wash a tiny bit more.
I lost a stone and a half in 6 months just doing this sort of stuff and feel SO much better for it.

You CAN do this, it only takes a smidge of self discipline (of which I am also lacking, but I refuse to be fat and a pensioner - old age beckoning rather too fast for my liking)

DoreenonTill8 · 15/09/2024 10:09

MintyNew · 15/09/2024 09:10

So then by your logic every sahp should be overweight and it's all the dc and dh fault. I really find this the most pathetic reason I have ever heard. It's your job as the one not working to do the cooking, housework, kids stuff. I can't believe you actually think feeding yourself without restraint is anyone else's fault.

This, wondering if like one of the school mums your dh has mentioned you going back to ft work and you're evidencing 'how FAR TOO BUSY' you are?..
Her explanation was example
day: breakfast, drop dc at school, supermarket, home, shopping away, lunch, clean up, then it's time for school pick up....
So a horrible busy stress day of rushing around.. couldn't possibly do that and work...

Howmanysleepsnow · 15/09/2024 10:11

I completely understand how you feel. Can I offer a few tips?

  1. put a mini fridge next to where DH works from home and fill with easy snacks. If you (or he!) stock it once a week with eg hummus, carrot sticks, boiled eggs, sliced cheese and crackers, olives, whatever, he can open the door himself to grab something and you don’t have to think about it or feel guilty.
  2. Add the above snacks to your own fridge, top up the fruit bowl and get healthier snacks for the kids too- popcorn rather than crisps, oat bars or flapjack instead of biscuits etc.
  3. Get yourself a smaller plate for dinner- it helps shrink your portions.
  4. if you make something the fussy eater likes, make extra that night and freeze for the nights they don’t like.
Here’s my last 2 weeks dinners if you want a readymade plan. Even if half doesn’t appeal the other half should give you a week without having to think! Change veg according to what is left over from the previous 3 days that’d work to avoid waste. Breakfast is either skyr, berries, granola, honey; porridge with skimmed milk, cinnamon and raisins; grapefruit; peanut butter on toast (for those that eat breakfast- I don’t normally)

Fishcakes, roasted cauliflower and broccoli, new potatoes (I don’t have the potatoes)
Halloumi harissa couscous (gousto recipe, google it)
jerk chicken with (packet) rice and peas, side salad or leftover veg from monday
https://www.heynutritionlady.com/three-pea-salad-with-feta-and-mint/ with salmon
meatballs and spaghetti
corned beef hash with egg and cabbage or beans
macaroni cheese and salad (I have more salad less pasta
https://www.asda.com/good-living/recipe/west-african-root-veg-and-peanut-stew
salmon, new potatoes, broccoli and asparagus (I roast the veg so the kids eat it, and I tend to avoid the potatoes if dieting and eat more vegetables)
Carbonara (with salad for half my plate!)
chilli con carne, rice, guacamole, grated cheese on the kids.
https://www.hellofresh.co.uk/recipes/creamy-spiced-lentil-curry-5fd75e734b1593352b085f55?amp=true
Chicken sausages, mash, peas, other veg left over in the fridge from previous meals, gravy
butternut squash and spinach lasagna with salad

Next week is:
kedgeree
https://www.asda.com/good-living/recipe/bombay-potato-and-chicken-thigh-traybake But without the chilli and coriander
https://www.asda.com/good-living/recipe/braised-peas-lettuce-with-chicken
Stir fry peppers/ mangetout/ spring onion/ broccoli/ prawns with noodles and sweet chilli sauce.
pasta pesto with whatever veg are leftover and grated cheese
Kiev, new potatoes, salad or leftover vegetables for those who don’t do salad
Jacket potatoes with various fillings (I’ll have cheese and coleslaw, ds will have tuna mayo and cheese, the others beans and cheese. Potato size, and cheese amount varies by person!)

Green Pea Salad with Feta and Mint

Green Pea Salad with Feta and Mint! This fresh and crunchy vegetarian meal uses three kinds of peas, pea shoots, mint, feta, and an easy to make dressing.

https://www.heynutritionlady.com/three-pea-salad-with-feta-and-mint

treeindigo · 15/09/2024 10:14

I do empathise to a degree, my weight goes up and down around a stone (still within the healthy range though) DH has to go away for about 4 months every 18 months or so and I always lose that stone when he's away. It's somewhat purposeful on my part, I usually set myself some health goals in that time like not drinking, when he's home we "treat" ourselves more, valuing the time we have together etc.

It's definitely easier to plan and cook for fewer people, but ultimately it still comes down to our own willpower and we have to take ownership of that. But if you're struggling, your partner should be looking with you at how you can solve the problem together.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 15/09/2024 10:17

ICantStopEatingg1 · 14/09/2024 23:05

I just feel guilty. There are obviously times I’ve done this but then the guilt gets to me as he will say he’s got a headache as hasn’t eaten since last night and skipped breakfast and lunch etc.

Now that has to stop - for both of you. Presumably he has a few minutes each day where he will deign to have time to speak to you? Tell him how it makes you feel when he behaves like the proverbial 'baby bird' waiting for mummy to feed him.

Telling you that he has a headache because he hasn't eaten since dinner/the dawn of time is manipulative and it makes him a bit of a twat. You're not the food manager you're his wife. He needs to have input into what he's eating and ideally he should also be doing some of the chores/cooking/food planning. My husband also doesn't cook but once a week we have sausages and beans - he can do that and does it well. Ditto if there are any ready meals, he heats them up. Not all ready meals are unhealthy and once a week they harm nobody. That's TWO days of dinners sorted.

There are some good tips on this thread - packed lunch (which your husband should be made to do for himself actually) and get yourself out to an activity of your choice, it will make you feel better. I winced when I read the advice about 2l of water... I know it's right but I struggle hard with that one, it's good advice and when I managed it (for a short time) I really did feel better and much clearer-headed.

I hear you. The posters who are berating you without bothering to give any constructive advice should be ignored. I recognise them, they love to do this. Sad!

This isn't just your problem it's a family problem and it's for the family to investigate and resolve. Please stop letting your husband off the hook!

Blondiie · 15/09/2024 10:22

DH is a chef so definitely can cook, but very rarely does because he’s at work all the time. Over 20 years of doing all the shopping and all the meal planning and all the cooking - it’s tedious, I get it. I’ve also had periods of fussy eaters and an allergy. I’m practically through it now as they are growing up and sorting themselves out much more. Tbh, you sound like you have more money than me so that is in your favour.

These are my tips.

Not every meal has to be a cooked from scratch delight for the taste buds. A supermarket pizza and salad is fine. Beans on toast is fine. Chicken and salad wraps are fine. Burgers are fine. Garlic mushrooms and shop bought ciabatta are fine. I probably have 10 pasta dishes in my head I can do in under 20 mins.

Use one of your days off to make something that takes longer - a slow cooked something or a bolognese or dahl. Make 2-3 portions so one can be eaten in one of your work days.

Don’t worry about every meal being crammed with vegetables and nutrition - if it’s a decent diet over a week then you’re winning.

Meal plan. It doesn’t have to be ambitious. You don’t need to introduce new meals every week (or ever). You don’t need a different thing every night (did you growing up? I didn’t.) I do one oily fish and one non oily fish thing a week so I put those down on my planner first. Depending on what they are and what days I’m working I pick good days to have those. My working days I put down something easy (batch cooked meal, easy pasta, something like burgers or wraps that are “assembled” rather than cooked). On the other days I do what I like - I might want to try something new and complicated - I might want to stick to what I know is easy and will be eaten.

Breakfast - don’t go out and buy strawberries ffs. If there aren’t any strawberries then do without. I moved from porridge to eggs for breakfast when dc1 started secondary school and was getting hungry (longer days - earlier school bus). They have 2 eggs in a wholemeal wrap - sometimes with cheese and/or ham and a recent addition (from thread on here) - refried beans. The other breakfast food available is a basic granola to which I add 2 extra bags of nuts and 2 bags of seeds - admittedly it’s quite calorific but it doesn’t half fill you up and it’s mainly good stuff. It would be a perfect easy lunch for your DH (I usually dollop in a spoon of Greek yoghurt - it’s something you can grab in less time than it takes to have a wee or order a JustEat).

Snacks - fruit. Im not a big fruit eater but I do snack on pickles. Don’t buy biscuits, cake, crisps etc.

Lunch - keep it basic and shop bought. You just want your dc to have enough to eat so they aren’t hungry during afternoon school. That’s all. Some protein, some carbs, some fruit and veg.

Your DH is an arsehole ordering McDonald’s when it’s his “turn”. KFC ran an advert a few years ago “mums night off” when an absolute bellend brought a bucket of chicken home to his family instead of cooking a meal. Imo if someone is cooking upwards of 6 out of 7 meals then takeaway night should land on one of those nights, not the 100% of nights that dad is supposed to cook. Tell him it’s fucking rude and to pack it in.

Look at your budget and see what you can outsource (car cleaning being an obvious one if you aren’t happy to have a scruffy car). Would paying a gardener help, or a cleaner? If you don’t want someone every week then a 3 month or 6 month “deep clean” is great. Getting a weekly supermarket delivery instead of having to go. Getting a Gusto or Hello Fresh for a few of the meals?

GingerPirate · 15/09/2024 10:24

No, sorry.
You are responsible for this, nobody else.
I have a condition that very much excuses being "fat", an underactive thyroid since childhood.
It's hard work, but just for myself I don't allow
to let myself go.
Oh, anxiety helps to stay "slim", as well.

sunseaandsoundingoff · 15/09/2024 10:25

The main key to weightloss is personal responsibility. I say that as someone who was 20 stone and blamed anyone and everything for it until I realised I was the problem.

No one is force feeding you, you are feeding yourself.

A lot of people manage to eat well several days a week and then binge/eat rubbish the rest of the time, so there's no guarantee you'd be any different even if they ate "perfectly," because your body still feels deprived of the addictive foods / you have the habits still.

sunsetsandboardwalks · 15/09/2024 10:26

Burntout101 · 15/09/2024 10:01

It's not about the food. It's about the stress and sense of frustration.

But a lot of that is of her own making.

OP works three days a week, has two children in school and a husband who works full-time from home earning a great salary. There doesn't need to be this constant level of fuss and stress going on.

She's made herself responsible for feeding a grown man snacks, she's choosing to spend her days off cleaning the car or doing the garden rather than outsourcing and doing something to benefit her - like the gym, swimming, exercise classes etc.

Fluffywalrus · 15/09/2024 10:27

I really don't understand. It sounds like excuses.

Surely with you essentially having full control over what's been cooked / eaten by the whole family you are in a much easier place to change the food that's coming into the home and the meals / portion sizes you're making?

In contrast, what if you were desperately trying to keep junk food out of the home and only cook healthy meals but your partner and children were doing their own thing food-wise so you couldn't avoid junk food? Then you could also blame them for you being overweight.

HeraMum · 15/09/2024 10:40

As a nutritionist, my advice is to manage your stress better (the root cause of why you are over-eating biscuits etc). Book yourself a massage and order in healthy food- kurami_uk are great or Detox kitchen- then plan all meals for the week on a Sunday for the family/husband and cook say a roast chicken with different sides to suit all tastes. Don’t buy in biscuits and cakes- if they are not in the house it takes away temptation. Take up yoga or something else for stress management. Good luck, you’ve got this!

AbsolutelyBarking · 15/09/2024 10:50

Your life isn't the one you want OP but it is filling up all your time and preventing you from doing anything about it!

As you said earlier-you eat biscuits as a way of dealing with anger. (This is literally turning anger on yourself! You are building a wall -of fat- between you and what makes you angry... but not actually dealing with it. )

Although planning/preparing/eating / clearing-up food seems to be the problem... it isn't what is making you angry.

So what is?

What can you change and what are you happy to put up with.

What would make your life one you can live without rage?

Howmanysleepsnow · 15/09/2024 10:50

Re: leftovers.

Give yourself and the kids a smaller portion than normal, leaving 1 portion spare.
if the kids eat everything, they can have more if hungry (and so can you, obviously). But if not, the extra isn’t leftovers that are wasted unless you eat them, it’s DH’s pre prepared lunch, or a batch cooked meal for future days.

Roseshavethorns · 15/09/2024 10:54

Hi OP
I think you are focusing on food as the reason you are feeling so out of control but the reasons you feel like this probably run much deeper.
A few practical suggestions to stop the issues you are having with cooking for the family.

  1. Let your husband be responsible for his own food and eating decisions during the day. He is an adult.
  2. The fussy eater. Take time and batch cook a few of the meals they will eat and put them in the freezer. Then, if they won't eat the dinner you are preparing, chuck one in the microwave. That way you take the stress out of meal times. When you are cooking something they will eat make an extra portion or two.
  3. Do an online shop and decide what meals you will be having that week. That allows you to plan ahead without emergency runs to the shop and the temptations that go with it. It takes much less time than going to the shop and so you reduce your burden.
  4. When you are doing the online shop don't add the biscuits etc. The children don't need them. You get out of the habit really quickly, and you save money too.
  5. Tell your husband he needs to cook one night next week and ask him what he would like to cook so you can add it to the order. It can be as simple as oven chips and fish and peas. Tell him takeaway is not ok. If he refuses then tell him he can cook for himself next week. If he refuses to accept the responsibility of family life he doesn't get the rewards. It may cause an argument but so what? The sun will still rise tomorrow.
  6. Don't let your panic overwhelm you. Have a couple of really easy meals in the freezer for when things are bad.

I'm overweight and I really understand what you are saying but shopping/ cooking for the family is really not the reason you have gained weight. You sound overwhelmed and resentful. We all think we have to be superwoman and do everything. We don't. Try and take some time to look at your day to day life and identify 1 thing you can remove or improve. Once you have achieved that 1 thing you will feel better.

Skyrainlight · 15/09/2024 11:10

It's not your family's fault, you need to take responsibility for your own actions. Don't have biscuits or unhealthy food in the house. It is pretty simple. I never have biscuits in the house because they are so easy to eat and are addictive.

I meal plan all meals and do most of the cooking despite being ill, my priority is healthy food and keep I keep my portions small. Increase the amount of veg you are eating and eliminate all the crap. Keep junk food out of the house, it's not beneficial for anyone. If you husband wants McDonalds that is his choice but you don't have to partake. If you make him lunch it can be a simple sandwich, takes five minutes and doesn't require thought.

You may need therapy for an eating addiction if you are thinking about food all the time because it's not necessary. Plan in advance and then just follow the plan. Cut out sugar, it's known to be addictive.

AGirlInACountrySong · 15/09/2024 11:21

I doubt op will be back to this!

Choochoo21 · 15/09/2024 11:26

ICantStopEatingg1 · 14/09/2024 23:05

I just feel guilty. There are obviously times I’ve done this but then the guilt gets to me as he will say he’s got a headache as hasn’t eaten since last night and skipped breakfast and lunch etc.

I think this is a really unhealthy attitude.

You say he says no to food but you give it to him anyway - that’s not normal.

I can’t work out if you have an unhealthy attitude towards food or towards your DH, but something isn’t right.

I am a single parent and I really struggled with my weight when my DC were younger because I was stressed, exhausted and didn’t have the time or money to cook healthy meals or exercise and so I don’t understand how you feel.

But you have to change your mindset.

Instead of eating biscuits in the evening - have a bath and go to bed, read a book in bed to help you sleep.

You will feel a million times better for sleeping more.

I would also get out with the kids as much as possible.
The fresh air and exercise will do wonders for all of you but it will also mean less mess at home.

Have the same meals every week.
You can do an online shop and then you’ll get into a routine of buying the same things every week.

Could you take a couple of days off work?
You sound extremely stressed out and having a couple of days of you time, getting on top of the cleaning and meal planning might really help you.