To think MIL should know DH is in hospital having serious tests, even though she's on holiday

[hmmwhat1]

DH is on day 5 in hospital having various tests to (hopefully) rule out very nasty potential diagnoses.

He is very stressed, lonely and in need of support. I am unable to visit much as we have young children who are not allowed to visit. All support offered from friends and siblings has been accepted, but DH remains in hospital feeling alone and scared.

DMIL is abroad in a European country on holiday. We are reasonably close to her and have a good relationship. If this had happened when she was in the country, she would be highly involved in this situation.

DH doesn't want to tell her ruin her holiday unless he actually receives a bad diagnosis.

AIBU to think that she should know her son is on day 5 in hospital, facing potentially devastating diagnosis (the nature of the conditions in discussion are that they would deteriorate imminently and could cause almost immediate death), and is not coping well with the support available? As a mother I would 100% want to know and would be on the first flight home, without questions, and just be relieved if it didn't end up being one of the bad diagnoses.

YABU- don't ruin her holiday
YANBU- she should be told

I won't be contacting DMIL, it's DHs decision, but interested to see what others think.

YABU This is not your choice.

It's is your DH's choice and he has made it.

I would be furious if anyone ignored my wishes on this sort of thing.

I disagree, when people are under great stress they don't always make good decisions. His wife putting the pros and cons to him is what married people do surely.

Oh gosh that's just the tip of it, it's been an absolute shambles.

The test he needs would identify the issue and at this stage, as his is now, it's fully solvable with urgent surgery. But if they wait and don't diagnose it and get it treated it could kill him in a moment if the serious complication occurs. And we've been waiting 2 days for this test.

Tell her. I have adult sons. I would want to know. Tell him you need her if it makes him feel better.

I don’t think we can say that for sure without knowing her DH.
my DM will swear on her own mother’s grave she doesn’t want any help and then later feel desperately let down that we didn’t go ahead and get her help anyway.

I’ve learned the hard way that if I don’t override her (particularly with regard to medical issues) she would basically languish feeling let down and unloved.

I would message her if they’re really close and she’s usually closely involved in his life and provide him emotional support.
I’m surprised that no one else did. Of course he says he doesn’t want to, it looks less serious this way.

I think it's likely the hospital are not treating your DH's condition as urgent, if you've been waiting for an urgent test for 2 days.

I would wait to speak to your MIL and update her when she's back from her holiday.

I would be hurt if I was MIL and was the only member of the family who didn’t know

He doesn't want his mum to know to protect her feelings (to not ruin her holiday), i.e. thinking that his illness is a burden on his mother. It's a case of people pleasing. In truth, she would likely want to know and would be devastated to be kept in the dark over this. Maybe try explaining to your husband that whilst he thinks he's protecting her, he's actually being a bit cruel.

I wasn't being funny. You said you aren't able to really see him because of the kids so I just mentioned a babysitter. Sorry you're going through this and sorry if you thought I was wrong, I didn't mean for you to feel that way 💐

If it was my mother In Law I wouldn't want to contact her as she would want to immediately return. She then be extremely distressed trying to get back everything sorted to get back early and spend money she didn't have. Father in law would get very stressed too. But then my wife wouldn't debate not telling them she'd want her Mum straight away. So the result would be that they'd know and I'd be adding to my physical and mental load by contacting them with plans of what to do already in place

Assume husband is aware how quickly things could turn and he could die?

I would ask DH point blank how he thinks his mother would feel if he dies and she had no idea what was going on. He probably is just being considerate and perhaps even in denial about the reality of how things could go.

I hope your husband will be ok x

I am unable to visit much as we have young children who are not allowed to visit. All support offered from friends and siblings has been accepted,

These two sentence's entirely contradict each other! Let your friends and siblings deal with your kids - go and be with your husband. Poor guy is alone, ill and needs you. Whatever ge wants to do RE his mother, YOU are his next of kin right now.

She should know, yes, she can help. But you should not betray your husband's trust. Persuade him. That failing, explain him why you need to do it, you would expect your DIL one day to do the same for your.

I’d go behind his back and contact her personally.

He needs her, she’ll want to be there for him, and worst case she could miss his final moments and never forgive you.

Tell her

Let his?siblings contact his mother
Or are they your siblings

Maybe you wrongly assume how much support has been offered.

Stepping away now.
Thanks for those who gave reasoned answers to the AIBU and well wishes.

YANBU at all

So tricky. I would want you to tell me if I were her.

If my husband were to have told my mum against my wishes, I know him well enough to know he would have put a shit load of thought into it and was only doing it because he felt like he should.

You're right that it will be awful f your DH is as sick as is feared (I do hope not) and his Mum finds out too late. But he's made his decision not to tell his mum and you need to respect it. He can change his mind any time but at the moment it may be making him feel better to know that he's protecting her from this terrifying time.

Umm no they don’t! I think you may have misread

Oh you poor poor things. I really have no other words. I wish you and your husband the absolute best of luck

As a mother I’d want to know.

I would tell her, otherwise you lose the trust she has possibly put in you that you would always do your best for her son,. Whatever he says now, he would know that by telling his mum you are doing the right thing for him and for her,