To think MIL should know DH is in hospital having serious tests, even though she's on holiday

[hmmwhat1]

DH is on day 5 in hospital having various tests to (hopefully) rule out very nasty potential diagnoses.

He is very stressed, lonely and in need of support. I am unable to visit much as we have young children who are not allowed to visit. All support offered from friends and siblings has been accepted, but DH remains in hospital feeling alone and scared.

DMIL is abroad in a European country on holiday. We are reasonably close to her and have a good relationship. If this had happened when she was in the country, she would be highly involved in this situation.

DH doesn't want to tell her ruin her holiday unless he actually receives a bad diagnosis.

AIBU to think that she should know her son is on day 5 in hospital, facing potentially devastating diagnosis (the nature of the conditions in discussion are that they would deteriorate imminently and could cause almost immediate death), and is not coping well with the support available? As a mother I would 100% want to know and would be on the first flight home, without questions, and just be relieved if it didn't end up being one of the bad diagnoses.

YABU- don't ruin her holiday
YANBU- she should be told

I won't be contacting DMIL, it's DHs decision, but interested to see what others think.

Another to just say thinking of you and hoping for a good outcome for you and your family 💐

OP- thinking of you and DH

What happened? Has MIL come back? How did the tests go and how is dh?

Hope all is ok op, best wishes to you and all your family

OP I hope you come back and let us know the outcome.
I know you haven’t had the best reaction here, but I for one fully feel your pain and empathise with your situation.

I really all is benign

Don't think OPs coming back

Man I wouldn’t if I were her. This thread was the worst of trigger happy mumsnet style putting the boot in.

Yes people really do wind themselves up on these threads, totally forgetting it’s not really their issue.

Agreed. Wishing you the best op. 🌺🌸

Just checking in OP, how did it all work out? Sending best wishes

Hope your DH is ok OP

Personally I wouldn't expect or want my mum to come back. Presumably she'll be home soon anyway and whilst my mum and I are close, I don't think her support would change how I felt. It's always going to be scary. Do you not have anyone who can watch the kids whilst you spend evenings at hospital? Siblings on either side? Friends? Babysitter? Neighbours? I would imagine your support would be the most critical here.

All the best, I hope you all get good news soon.

I think if close family member is critically ill then anyone would need to come back but just in hospital having tests and fairly well then probably varies with the individual. I wouldn't call my children home from a holiday unless it was extremely serious eg ITu when I'd expect dh to tell them if I was unconscious etc. intracranial bleed etc so they could have a choice to see me in case outcome bad.

Let her know. If it were my son, I would want to know. I would come back. Give her the choice to do the same.

And ignore the wishes of the ill person? Surely their wants should be central?

I think fundamentally the answer to this question depends on how close you are with your parent, how well you are coping, and your understanding of the situation/possible complications.

I would never ever want my child (and their other half who is having to carry on at home with the kids) to be in that position and need my support during an extremely stressful situation and not feel that they can call me. Last weekend was nothing short of traumatic. So I have said this to DH so that he understands my wishes, in the future, should a similar situation ever arise with our kids, for example.

The reason I didn't want to get into the medical side is because I am an A&E clinician. I don't need medical advice/input. I'm acutely aware of the situation and possible outcomes. I shared exactly the right amount of information so as people could understand the severity of the situation, but also to maintain some semblance of anonymity by not divulging the diagnosis.

DH is home and recovering. Thank you for the well wishes.

(This thread really showed the crap side of Mumsnet too.)

I'm glad he's home and doing well

Because OP didnt ask for a medical point of view, so again, that 'medical' advice was 100% more irrelevant than people saying what they owuld have done. In the light of OP having medical knowledge themselves, I think maybe people should have stuck to answer the question she asked, not unsollicited medical advice no one cares for.

So glad he's home and doing well. Maybe once his mum is back they could have a conversation about what to do in a circumstance like that again - his mum will presumably want to be told and that might give him the confidence to feel he could "intrude" on her holiday time in future if necessary (inverted commas because I don't really consider it intrusion but don't know what word to use).

Mumsnet can be great or dreadful and this has been a pretty depressing thread in terms of the "great" side.

I think a lot of things are down to common sense and whether you've dealt with similar situations before. From the medical side being a ' clinician' even if you are an AE consultant but especially I think if you were more junior and less experienced you may be even more prone to catastrophising etc. it's hard to be on the other side and not see the results and have control.
I'm glad he's ok and discharged.

Because I think for most, a critical situation would mean you make the call ( I&V in ITU) but having tests and stable probably not.

I'm so glad your dh is home and recovering op

I hope he continues to get better

Sorry you got a lot of grief here it's a shame because at times I see threads where the support is immense but then equally can be shitty

YABU. I wouldn't do that

Op I’m glad things are improving! Thank you for highlighting something that we should all discuss with our relatives. Next time we go away I will tell relatives that I would want them to contact me if there was ever anything wrong!
I’m sorry u encountered some horrible people on this thread!

@hmmwhat1 oh, I'm so glad he's home! Everything aside, that's the main thing now.