To think MIL should know DH is in hospital having serious tests, even though she's on holiday

[hmmwhat1]

DH is on day 5 in hospital having various tests to (hopefully) rule out very nasty potential diagnoses.

He is very stressed, lonely and in need of support. I am unable to visit much as we have young children who are not allowed to visit. All support offered from friends and siblings has been accepted, but DH remains in hospital feeling alone and scared.

DMIL is abroad in a European country on holiday. We are reasonably close to her and have a good relationship. If this had happened when she was in the country, she would be highly involved in this situation.

DH doesn't want to tell her ruin her holiday unless he actually receives a bad diagnosis.

AIBU to think that she should know her son is on day 5 in hospital, facing potentially devastating diagnosis (the nature of the conditions in discussion are that they would deteriorate imminently and could cause almost immediate death), and is not coping well with the support available? As a mother I would 100% want to know and would be on the first flight home, without questions, and just be relieved if it didn't end up being one of the bad diagnoses.

YABU- don't ruin her holiday
YANBU- she should be told

I won't be contacting DMIL, it's DHs decision, but interested to see what others think.

Can you ask him how he would feel if one of your DC were poorly and everyone else knew but him

As the child I wouldn’t want the holiday to be ruined. As a parent, I would want to know and be home in a heartbeat. It’s a tough one.

OP, your position is entirely unreasonable. You are doing as your husband wishes, despite misgivings. If I were you I’d feel the same. If I was his Mum I’d want to know. But you are stuck with his decision.

Please ignore people looking to pick holes in what you say at such a difficult time. You have enough on your plate. I’m sure you have thought of all options for increasing visits from you and others snd that your post is just a plea for solidarity at a time that is also quite lonely and scary for you.

Give it a day or two, but if you need to, tell your husband that you need his Mum to know, because it is weighing on you and making you feel even more isolated at a time when you both need as much love and support as you can get.

*reasonable!!!!

I think you should stress to DH that you need the support his mum can offer you, so that you can better support him. He won’t be thinking straight if you are both as worried as the situation seems to warrant, but hopefully he will want you to have any help you can muster.

FWIW, I know that my mum and my MIL would never forgive us if we didn’t tell them about a situation like this. The hiding it in the WhatsApp group is also infantilising your MIL - she can make her own mind up about the best course of action for her if she’s given the facts of the matter. Can you imagine how everyone would feel if the worst happens and she isn’t there and knew nothing about it? Brutally, your DH wouldn’t know anything about it, but the rest of you would all have to live with the fall out afterwards.

This

Is he the baby of the family and are the older siblings going to accuse him of being needy or crying wolf and blowing something nothing out of proportion?

So sorry you’re both going through such a difficult time and I really hope you get positive news soon.
Given there is a chance death may be imminent in the worst case scenario I would contact MIL. As a mum I would be livid being kept out of the loop, god forbid it is bad news and she wasn’t able to see him. X

I assume your DH is lucid and understands the situation is as grave as you have described it - in which case you do what he wants. I would be furious if my DH went against my decision.

Incredibly this thread has managed to make me feel worse.

I haven't asked for opinions on my actions nor have I given any context for which comments to be based off.

But some posters have still managed to make misinformed assumptions, which whilst wrong, still hurt. Some posters should feel ashamed of themselves.

Please think about what you post. I have enough on my plate and I'm doing my best.

I'm really sorry for your situation, OP.

Honestly, given the circumstances, I wouldn't wait for people to offer childcare, I'd ask friends or family directly explaining that you're not allowed to visit with the children and that your DH is potentially very ill. Most people would understand this.

Your loyalty should be to your husband, not his mother. If she does ‘never forgive you’, would that actually matter very much?

Wishing your DH a good outcome.

Based on this no I wouldn't tell her your thinking worst case scenarios (if its the diagnosis im thinking) I'm sure your husband will be fine he's in the right place and hopefully it won't be to much longer of a wait for him to be sorted let mil enjoy her holiday and she can be caught up with it all when she gets back.

Just ignore the people scolding you and turning an innocent question into a chance to score imaginary points about “private medical info” or your family relations. Needless to say you would not be doing anything wrong to have sny kind of conversation you need to have with your dh or his mother. Just do what makes sense to you. Snd be kind to yourself!

I was actually watching for the ambulance to arrive for DH when DD rang up from holiday. I put on the performance of a lifetime, she never twigged.

I think she was glad I hadn't told her but also annoyed. I would do it again.

He's still alive by the way, but not curable.

I would want to know. It would be my choice if I decided to come back but I’d want the choice.

My son was deathly ill in the spring, we were local but only visited once briefly because of this. My DIL was able to be there daily fortunately. We were updated a few times a day if he was having scans, MRI etc

I don't know if I could have forgiven if I had not been informed.

Every time one of my family has been through testing for something, both benign and cancerous outcomes, and didn't tell me about the testing because "they didn't want to worry me" I've always hated it when I found out. I hate that they were going through that and I wasn't able to support them.

Im so sorry that you are in this situation and that this thread has not been helpful. Just to back @BruFord s point, when my dh was ill people were really willing and glad to help out with our kids, I became very aware of how there is a deep human satisfaction in really being helpful and useful.

Is your dh in a calm enough place to consider his mum's pov here? I do honestly think there's a high chance she'll be quite hurt when she finds out she's been kept in the dark. Can you gently put this thought to him? It actually sounds as though you would benefit massively from her support too. I wish you and your dh all the very best of luck as you navigate this awful situation 💐💐

I’m so sorry OP. I would do what I felt was right and very likely I would tell my PIL. I wouldn’t feel bad about overriding my DH wishes. In fact in a medical situation (not as serious but we didn’t know that) I did exactly that. DH admits now it was totally the right thing to do.

I would definitely tell her and I don't like my MIL. But DH is comforted by her presence. My DH suffers from the old stuff upper lip!

Given what you have said, I would contact her.

I'm Hoping the diagnosis is the best case scenario for you

His illness, his mum, his decision.

Was DH ok when they left on holiday? Is this something completely new out of nowhere? What do the experts say in terms of likely outcome?

Given DH and siblings stance on this I think you need to wait. What would the ILAWs they do if they were there? It's only a few days until they are back. I am sorry OP and I wish you all well.