To think MIL should know DH is in hospital having serious tests, even though she's on holiday

[hmmwhat1]

DH is on day 5 in hospital having various tests to (hopefully) rule out very nasty potential diagnoses.

He is very stressed, lonely and in need of support. I am unable to visit much as we have young children who are not allowed to visit. All support offered from friends and siblings has been accepted, but DH remains in hospital feeling alone and scared.

DMIL is abroad in a European country on holiday. We are reasonably close to her and have a good relationship. If this had happened when she was in the country, she would be highly involved in this situation.

DH doesn't want to tell her ruin her holiday unless he actually receives a bad diagnosis.

AIBU to think that she should know her son is on day 5 in hospital, facing potentially devastating diagnosis (the nature of the conditions in discussion are that they would deteriorate imminently and could cause almost immediate death), and is not coping well with the support available? As a mother I would 100% want to know and would be on the first flight home, without questions, and just be relieved if it didn't end up being one of the bad diagnoses.

YABU- don't ruin her holiday
YANBU- she should be told

I won't be contacting DMIL, it's DHs decision, but interested to see what others think.

Okay. How long is she away for?

It sounds like he’s a bit scared of it all being much more real if his mum flies home from holiday.

id gently tell him that you are going to call her in the morning (having looked up suitable flights so when she inevitably says she needs to figure getting home that issue had options) and that if it was your children he’d want to be there for them so he needs to let you call her.

its sort of giving him the final say but not really. I think he’ll be relieved that you make that decision for him.

The most likely situation is that it is a benign situation.

Then shouldn't you be reassuring him, rather than wanting to take an action that will immediately make him fear the worst (and show that you are assuming the worst?)

Are you saying he could die this week while she's away? (So sorry by the way, such an awful time for you both). Could you find a baby sitter to go and spend some time there each day?

Ask him how he'd feel if he was the one on holiday and his mother was suddenly ill.

Even if the outcome was good, would he be happy to find out afterwards and to know that his undisturbed holiday meant he was unable to support his mother in a horrible situation?

If your instinct as a mother is that you'd want to know and to return to a son in his situation, then tell him that too.

Knowing them both, how do you think MiL will feel if she finds this out after her holiday?
(You don't have to tell us, of course, but think about it.)

Whatever happens with his mum, I just wanted to send you both my best wishes and that I hope things turn out benign x

Thank you for the well wishes.

And to the PP who has basically said get a babysitter and visit him... great idea I hadn't thought of that 🙄

When does your DH want to tell her?

As a mum I’d want to know, as an adult child I wouldn’t want to ruin the holiday.

Could you turn it around and ask DH what he’d want if MIL was ill while he was on holiday? Maybe he’d agree to contact her if he thinks about it like that.

This, 100%.

If it were my adult son I would absolutely want to be told. If I found out too late to get home I'm not sure I could forgive, regardless of what DS had requested.

I do think it has to be his decision. He knows his Mum better, and being ill makes people feel impotent - let him have control over this.

I am sorry you are both going through such a terrible time.

If tests confirm the bad situation then at that point.

If tests suggest it's all benign, when she's back from holiday I guess.

I say call her but stress she is not to jump
On the next plane - she can call her son on the phone and give support that way

Gosh this is shit sorry OP! I'm so so sorry. It must be so stressful.

Personally I'd get a bit angry and say this is the time to make a bit of a fuss. How's his mum going to feel if it is bad news and she's stuck on holiday. That's not nice for his mum.

There is the point of view that at the moment, your MIL is blissfully unaware and not stressing or upset about her DS. Your DH is maybe taking comfort from the fact that she's not being worried about him, it's one fewer person feeling the anguish? We all know how we would feel if we were your MIL, we'd want to hurry to our DS's bedside. But maybe he's relieved that as yet, she doesn't know and is enjoying her holiday?

I wouldn't tell her if he doesn't want you to.

It's a shame you've nobody to look after the children for you so you can spend more time with him, I'm sure he'd be more comforted by having you there. The whole situation is very stressful for you, I'm really sorry.

it is upto your DH

but as a mother I would be by his bedside and camp there - so i would want to know

If its the bad situation is she going to have enough time to get home? I really think either way she should be told. Sometimes you need your mum.

No he shouldn't contact her. Hopefully it will be a good outcome. But what can she do on holiday. Nothing except worry or come home.,

It’s completely his choice. You follow his lead. At the moment it sounds like there is no news really to tell. I have cancer and it took me several weeks to come around to being able to tell anyone outside of Dh and my employer. It’s not the same situation as I’m NC with my mum, but she has no idea and I’d be pretty annoyed if anyone ever told her, certainly not without me making that decision for myself.

How quickly could she get back if she needed to? Are there daily flights from where she is ?

Ultimately it's your DHs decision, I hope for all of you it's not serious

As someone who is randomly sometimes seriously ill in hospital...

I'll tell those I choose to tell or who actually need to know.. and no one else.

I absolutely won't tell those who do not need to be upset or have plans altered for no actual benefit to anyone, nor would I tell people who will immediately get themselves heavily involved and fussing around me.

If someone else were to tell folk on my behalf because they decided it was the right thing to do, I'd be fucking furious and really stressed which is not what anyone in that situation wants or needs.

My sisters recently been through heart surgery and a few wobbles during the recovery months... We have very specifically NOT told our Father because he will worry, he will not be able to do anything useful or helpful, he'll just make himself ill and miserable which ultimately makes more work for us.

Would he LIKE to know - probably, but tough shit, this decision is best for her, the patient, and me, the person who has to do all the admin in her absence.

Not everyone feels that having people fussing around and 'involved' is actually supportive.

It isn't your place to decide who he should inform about his predicament, or when he should inform them. He doesn't want to tell her so that's that. And I totally understand. I wouldn't personally want to tell anybody until there was something to tell.

I mean, I'd want to come home!

If it was my son I'd 100% want to know, but I'd respect his adult decision to do what feels right for him.

If it was my dh I'd respect and not question his decision beyond a quick "Are you sure? She'd want to know you are in", especially when he's got enough to worry about already.

Not sure where "mortified" comes into it.

She could, but not with the light heart that she is having it now.

I wouldn't tell her. If your DH is really ill, no holiday will ever be the same for her again.