To think MIL should know DH is in hospital having serious tests, even though she's on holiday

[hmmwhat1]

DH is on day 5 in hospital having various tests to (hopefully) rule out very nasty potential diagnoses.

He is very stressed, lonely and in need of support. I am unable to visit much as we have young children who are not allowed to visit. All support offered from friends and siblings has been accepted, but DH remains in hospital feeling alone and scared.

DMIL is abroad in a European country on holiday. We are reasonably close to her and have a good relationship. If this had happened when she was in the country, she would be highly involved in this situation.

DH doesn't want to tell her ruin her holiday unless he actually receives a bad diagnosis.

AIBU to think that she should know her son is on day 5 in hospital, facing potentially devastating diagnosis (the nature of the conditions in discussion are that they would deteriorate imminently and could cause almost immediate death), and is not coping well with the support available? As a mother I would 100% want to know and would be on the first flight home, without questions, and just be relieved if it didn't end up being one of the bad diagnoses.

YABU- don't ruin her holiday
YANBU- she should be told

I won't be contacting DMIL, it's DHs decision, but interested to see what others think.

You've done the right thing,OP. Is she back yet?

And pleased you DH is home.

There's been a lot of argument on this thread. I haven't read the whole thing but wrt the medical side that's what seemed to me to make the difference between judgement of making the call or not. Whether dh was sick or not. That doesn't give any diagnosis away and neither does the test. But trying to reason it through with virtually no info isn't really possible. People ask questions on every relationship thread and pretty much every AIBU or a thread presenting a problem or judgement call. Yet for some reason people got quite nasty on this thread and quite ignorant and ill mannered. It was also such a narrow question with no BG that in the end no one could answer it but the OP who knew the story.

😂

TBH, I'd want to keep the wishes of the MIL in mind at this stage. This secret-keeping could damage relationships all round. If the OP is in contact with her and not telling her, it's even worse because it amounts to telling lies (though clearly she's trying to do what her ill DH wants.)

I would have been outraged if my family had kept something like this secret from me, no matter what the motivation.

I can't stand people that make themselves the centre of someone else's problem.

That you'd be outraged first rather than concerned for the patient. Think about centering others before yourself.

@hmmwhat1 Really glad to hear your DH is home and hope you are all recovering from what sounds like a very tough and traumatic time. I'd like to send a virtual hug given some of the shit you've had on here.

With my bossy nurse hat on though could I gently remind you that clinicians can ask for help too? I'm a former palliative care nurse and I'm pretty good at unpicking when patients decide to be stubborn & brave. You know deep down that It's not uncommon for people to make a choice based on what they think they ought to say, rather than what they actually want. The right thing to do is to give the patient the space to admit it.

Hoping you get some recovery time.

So glad to hear he's home.

Great news

Pleased to hear your DH is hone and recovering. Hugs to you both

@Citrusandginger very good advice

It’s his choice. Respect it.

Oh, nonsense. A lot of people have pointed out that, as mothers, they would not have wanted to be kept in the dark.

OP i sm so sorry for all the grief you git from posters here. I hope things are better and your dh got a good dx/prognosis. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts. However this incident came out it was a horrendous experience and must have been so frightening! But please know that I am sure the post will ultimately have quite a ripple effect as people reading it realize that they need to make provision for their loved ones if a similar emergency happens. I know I have rethought my own situation in the light of yours.