To think MIL should know DH is in hospital having serious tests, even though she's on holiday

[hmmwhat1]

DH is on day 5 in hospital having various tests to (hopefully) rule out very nasty potential diagnoses.

He is very stressed, lonely and in need of support. I am unable to visit much as we have young children who are not allowed to visit. All support offered from friends and siblings has been accepted, but DH remains in hospital feeling alone and scared.

DMIL is abroad in a European country on holiday. We are reasonably close to her and have a good relationship. If this had happened when she was in the country, she would be highly involved in this situation.

DH doesn't want to tell her ruin her holiday unless he actually receives a bad diagnosis.

AIBU to think that she should know her son is on day 5 in hospital, facing potentially devastating diagnosis (the nature of the conditions in discussion are that they would deteriorate imminently and could cause almost immediate death), and is not coping well with the support available? As a mother I would 100% want to know and would be on the first flight home, without questions, and just be relieved if it didn't end up being one of the bad diagnoses.

YABU- don't ruin her holiday
YANBU- she should be told

I won't be contacting DMIL, it's DHs decision, but interested to see what others think.

I’ve had this dilemma a couple of times. Not telling has a lot more potential for going wrong.

I would 100% want to know. A holiday is so completely insignificant in these circumstances and I would be quite hurt that my kids thought I’d rather be on holiday than be there for them through something so worrying. I’d wonder what kind of messages I must have been sending them if they all felt that way.

How long are these tests going to take?

Can you afford to replace MIL holiday later in the year?

Try DH with that as an option .. he might agree to tell her if he thinks this is possible

Ask him if he would want his own dc to feel they could tell him in the same situation

Tell him you and the dc need her support and you would like her help at home (so he still gets to be strong)

Last case scenario, tell him that the stress and lack of sleep (guessing he isnt sleeping well as he is in hospital) are affecting his judgement and that you are taking the decision out of his hands and telling MIL…and you will tell her that it was your call and he didnt want to tell her. If he looks kind of relieved, you know you have his tacit permission, if he hits the roof then back down.

Take some time to breathe yourself, caring for someone is a marathon not a sprint, and the careers need someone to lean on too. Sending you a hug

I wouldn't care if my son was putting my holiday first, I would want to know. If anything happened in the interim I would be devastated if I wasn't given the chance to hold him and support him. I'd tell her.

Cant his siblings support him by having his children and you spend more time with him?

It must be really hard for you, yourself wondering if you are going to lose him, but from this later post, that the siblings are agreeing that their DM shouldn't be told at this moment in time, I would even more strongly say that you should not go behind your DP's back on this and tell her. We will have to accept that there is a back story here, which isn't relevant, if you are sure that it isn't.

I hope it all turns out to be good news

I think you said your husband has siblings ie it's their mother too.
What do they think?

Few more queries;

Tests should have been done by Thursday gone but thanks to the realities of the NHS we're still waiting probably until at least tomorrow, and results probably the next day.

100% Cannot afford to replace her holiday later in the year.

We have a family WhatsApp group and she's blissfully unaware sending us lovely photos from her holiday, meanwhile everyone in the group is sending all these faux replies and pretending all is well. (Apart from me, I can't bring myself to join in). I feel like I'm going mad

His choice. No one else's

But this situation is not about what mil or you in her position would want. It's not about you or her fullstop. DH has told you what he wants and you must honour it. I cannot believe you might share his medical details with someone he has specifically told you not to involve. And don't try and persuade him to change his mind either - he has other priorities at the moment.

She has replied, just before you posted, which you wouldn't have seen when you posted. The siblings agree with DH

@Mebebecat how about the two times I explicitly say I am not going to contact her? Christ

I think you’re taking the right approach, OP, to follow what DH wants to do. Fingers crossed for the test results coming through to show things are benign asap xx

If he’s literally just said he doesn’t want a fuss but wants her there otherwise then I would call her.
If he was steadfast do not call my mother under any circumstance then I wouldn’t.

Do you mean by doing the tests it could cause him to go downhill?

If it was my son, I would want to know and would be devastated if I wasntt told and the worst happened. Even if it didn't, I'd want to be giving my support...the holiday can wait.

I think she needs to know for her own sake. If the worst, with rapid deterioration, were to happen she should have had the opportunity to have seen him.

As a Mum I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. I have had immediate family die suddenly and unexpectedly. I have also had other family not being told of a family member’s death whilst they were away.

Please tell her so she has the choice.

Read! She said its husband's decision.

Ah thanks. You're right, I didn't see and I was reading the thread!
Such a tricky dilemma, not wanting to go against husband's wishes

That's a two day delay!!!! I'm so sorry that's terrible

This, if it was DH it depends on the condition and likely hood of successful treatment. I would respect his views even if they conflicted with my own. Can your family help with childcare.

If this isn’t damned if you do, damned if you don’t, I just don’t know what is.

But again, kindly, what you might want is not relevant. The only thing that is relevant is what the DH wants. If he honestly wanted his mother to hold and support him, he would have sent for her.

Could you say you'll call her in a really unfussy way?

I think for the sake of a few days it’s not worth telling her. She’ll be back soon. The medical situation sounds slightly odd, surely regardless of the test results coming back your DH has either got the life threatening condition or he hasn’t, and will start to deteriorate or not accordingly? And if so then you can call her. And you can call
her Tuesday with the results if they’re bad, and that’s only a day later then she’d get a flight if you told her now.
If you tell her and she doesn’t jump immediately on a plane, don’t be angry. Sometimes coming home on a flight unplanned can seem a huge undertaking, I’ve been in a similar situation and didn’t come immediately home - getting an unplanned flight just seemed very hard and impossible to arrange. I wasn’t a confident traveller at that point, it almost took me a day to realise it was something I could actually do!