Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think MIL should know DH is in hospital having serious tests, even though she's on holiday

538 replies

hmmwhat1 · 14/09/2024 20:39

DH is on day 5 in hospital having various tests to (hopefully) rule out very nasty potential diagnoses.

He is very stressed, lonely and in need of support. I am unable to visit much as we have young children who are not allowed to visit. All support offered from friends and siblings has been accepted, but DH remains in hospital feeling alone and scared.

DMIL is abroad in a European country on holiday. We are reasonably close to her and have a good relationship. If this had happened when she was in the country, she would be highly involved in this situation.

DH doesn't want to tell her ruin her holiday unless he actually receives a bad diagnosis.

AIBU to think that she should know her son is on day 5 in hospital, facing potentially devastating diagnosis (the nature of the conditions in discussion are that they would deteriorate imminently and could cause almost immediate death), and is not coping well with the support available? As a mother I would 100% want to know and would be on the first flight home, without questions, and just be relieved if it didn't end up being one of the bad diagnoses.

YABU- don't ruin her holiday
YANBU- she should be told

I won't be contacting DMIL, it's DHs decision, but interested to see what others think.

OP posts:
Soonenough · 14/09/2024 20:55

I would not tell her. Unless she is gone for months . If he has a bad diagnosis she will be there for the important part . No need to cause distress a minute longer than necessary .

CabbagesAndCeilingWax · 14/09/2024 20:55

I would 100% for definite want to know. I'd never be able to look back on those holiday memories happily anyway.

Did you say he has siblings? I'm very surprised they haven't told her (I would respect my husband's wishes with regards to his parents in this situation, but I don't think I'd be able to keep something like this from my own parent).

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 14/09/2024 20:57

It’s definitely your DH’s choice. BUT I would really try to persuade him to relent and tell her.

GrandTheftWalrus · 14/09/2024 20:57

I told my parents I was in hospital when they were on holiday. I had been rushed in and had emergency surgery. But they didn't come home. Just messaged every day to make sure I was okay.

I'd want to know if my child was in hospital while on holiday.

GreatScroller · 14/09/2024 20:58

if It’s potentially as bad as you have said then absolutely call and contact her. I would say the same as your husband as I would try and be a martyr and not want any fuss and not think that my parents want to be there. I think by asking the question you know you should contact them.

saraclara · 14/09/2024 20:58

My lovely MIL wasn't out of the country, but my DH didn't tell her anything about his symptoms and tests until he had the confirmed results.

She was actually staying with us when he had the colostomy and was told that there was a tumour there that was almost certainly cancer. He didn't tell her until two weeks later when he'd had the full scan and had it confirmed by the oncologist.

I'd be the same. The last thing I'd want is a parent flying home and fussing and angsting. I need to have my head round stuff before I'm ready to share.

I'd be incandescent if my partner ignored my feelings on the matter.

ratherbesurfing · 14/09/2024 20:59

Absolutely do not tell her. It’s up to him

Original poster
hmmwhat1 · 14/09/2024 20:59

Trying to address some queries.

The most likely situation is that it is a benign situation.

But what they are testing to exclude, could, if it were that, cause an immediate life threatening situation. And if it deteriorates it could happen far too quickly for DMIL to get back.

Thinking about what I would want as a mother, I'd be mortified if I didn't know.

She doesn't go abroad often but financially she could easily repeat a European holiday another time.

OP posts:
TheCultureHusks · 14/09/2024 20:59

QuiteAnEpicFailure · 14/09/2024 20:52

Maybe your DH actually doesn’t want his mother there at this time. Handling other people’s worry is quite stressful when you are already dealing with a lot.

Agreed. You HAVE to leave it up to him. This is very very personal to him and although they have a good relationship, it still may be that this is one of his red lines - he gets to choose how his own situation is managed

notacooldad · 14/09/2024 21:00

I would want mil to know.
However Dh has agency to decide what he wants.He has made his wishes known.
If he was being a bit wishy washy with his feelings I would be more forceful and say his mum must know but I would not go behind his back.

BarbaraHoward · 14/09/2024 21:00

AllHisCaterpillarFriends · 14/09/2024 20:42

Difficult.

If it was me I wouldn't tell my mother until she was home.

But

If it was my son I'd come home in a heartbeat.

Ultimately it is what he decides.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

ETA cross post!

Agree with this, it's a really tough one and my own preferences would depend on whether I was the parent or child.

Rightly or wrongly, I think the holiday would influence my thinking - I'd be more likely to tell her if it was a third short haul trip this year, but if it was a once in a lifetime trip that had been saved and planned for for years I wouldn't want to ruin it.

Hedgerow2 · 14/09/2024 21:00

You say dh doesn't want to tell her because he doesn't want to ruin her holiday. Not because he doesn't want her there.

As a mother I would absolutely 100% want to know and you absolutely should tell her.

So sorry - I hope you get good news.

BigStevie · 14/09/2024 21:00

It really is up to your DH. When is she due back?

Original poster
hmmwhat1 · 14/09/2024 21:00

To reiterate my OP, I am not contacting DMIL. I'm only interested in others views.

DP wants her here and wants her support, had said 100 times how awful the timing is that she is away. He just doesn't want to cause a fuss.

OP posts:
Awrite · 14/09/2024 21:02

Tough one. Can you convince him that you need the support?

I really don't think dh would stop me telling his Mum. He would be able to work out that she'd want to know.

ClementineChurchill · 14/09/2024 21:02

Does he have siblings whose opinion you could ask?

when is she due back? Ie how long a wait?

twomanyfrogsinabox · 14/09/2024 21:03

Tell her, but get her to say she came home early coincidentally for another reason.

Edit: So he didn't ruin her holiday, but he gets her back to support him.

NoGwenItsABoxingDayTrifle · 14/09/2024 21:03

How long until she's due home?
If it's days I'd wait, if it's weeks I'd tell her.

cashmerecardigans · 14/09/2024 21:04

It sounds like he really wants her there. Maybe tell him that you are going to tell her, so she can decide what she wants to do?

Londonrach1 · 14/09/2024 21:05

This is difficult...I understand your dh view and as a mum I'd want to know. Just hope your dh is ok x

Procrastinates · 14/09/2024 21:05

I agree with those saying I would want to know. I can't imagine enjoying a holiday and being left blissfully unaware that at the same time my child was seriously ill in hospital and there was a chance he might die but he thought I shouldn't know.

Peakypolly · 14/09/2024 21:05

I'm sorry hmmwhat1.
It must be such a worrying time for you.
You could probably do with some support as well, but as you rightly say, DH's decision.

Overcover · 14/09/2024 21:05

Could you ask him what he'd expect to happen if it was one if your DC? I.e. would he be devastated not to be told or would he prefer to enjoy his holiday in ignorant bliss?

Bunnyhair · 14/09/2024 21:05

If it’s because he doesn’t want to cause a fuss, and he otherwise gets on with his DM and values her support, then I would tell her.
(And he may be hoping you will - people who ‘don’t want to make a fuss’ often resent you later for not making a fuss on their behalf, IME).

I really hope it all turns out to be benign.

Original poster
hmmwhat1 · 14/09/2024 21:05

Due back on Friday.

Have sought opinions of siblings which is the same and DHs. But, the cynic in me says if it were them in this situation they would not be so altruistic with regards to not ruining their DMs holiday (there is a back story that I'm not going to get into, as it's not relevant).

OP posts: