To think MIL should know DH is in hospital having serious tests, even though she's on holiday

[hmmwhat1]

DH is on day 5 in hospital having various tests to (hopefully) rule out very nasty potential diagnoses.

He is very stressed, lonely and in need of support. I am unable to visit much as we have young children who are not allowed to visit. All support offered from friends and siblings has been accepted, but DH remains in hospital feeling alone and scared.

DMIL is abroad in a European country on holiday. We are reasonably close to her and have a good relationship. If this had happened when she was in the country, she would be highly involved in this situation.

DH doesn't want to tell her ruin her holiday unless he actually receives a bad diagnosis.

AIBU to think that she should know her son is on day 5 in hospital, facing potentially devastating diagnosis (the nature of the conditions in discussion are that they would deteriorate imminently and could cause almost immediate death), and is not coping well with the support available? As a mother I would 100% want to know and would be on the first flight home, without questions, and just be relieved if it didn't end up being one of the bad diagnoses.

YABU- don't ruin her holiday
YANBU- she should be told

I won't be contacting DMIL, it's DHs decision, but interested to see what others think.

Just trying to help. And it's hard to really advise re AIBU without any info. But she's said no that's fine.
We often advise families whether we feel family should be called in, brought over from abroad etc. Tests aren't really very outing. But I've left the thread now.

I hope he's OK, OP.

i think the test does matter to give advice

if dh is having a test this significant AND the result of which could result in a quick decline/death, in most cases he wouldn’t still be waiting for said test after 5 days

test would be an emergency

most tests - even biopsy don’t give definite diagnosis on their own

so whilst the test sounds horrendous, it doesn’t tie with the urgency in his mum not being able to wait a few days

How could you possibly be helping? ‘We rule things out’ (!!!) Even ‘Dr House’ would need to do testing. Gracious of you to give permission to the OP not to tell you.

OP: notebook and pen to write stuff down or get dr or nurse to do so. Long phone charger. A stand to put a phone on so your husband doesn’t have to hold it when watching stuff on the table tray over the bed. Plug in headphones/earphones (the wireless ones sometimes interfere with the machines). Sliders. Earplugs. You probably have been in hospital long enough to know all these but it’s a list I have to hand.

It doesnt say he doesn't want her there, it says he doesn't want to spoil her holiday and those are 2 very different things.

OP i understand why your husband is saying it, but I'd try and chat again with him. I personally believe she should be aware and for her then to make the choice. If, God forbid, anything happens to your husband how will you feel, she feel?

Also having her here , if that's what she chooses, will help you and your family x x

Sorry your husband, and you and your family are going through this x x x

I think they’d identify you anyway to be honest.

But anyway, here’s hoping for the non-shit result.

This!

I’ve put up a few suggestions - probably far off the mark - because the thread seems to have taken an odd turn with some posters seemingly questioning the seriousness of the situation/validity of the testing. I agree that the details you’ve given so far could possibly be outing on their own, so I wouldn’t really want to be specific about the testing and possible diagnosis either. Please keep us posted - I think the majority of posters are rooting for you and your DH, and are hoping and praying for the best possible outcome.

I don’t understand why the test is relevant, the op has stated it’s serious and potentially life threatening, that’s all anyone needs to know , I hope everything works out well for you op 🙏🏼

We don't need to know what he's being tested for, it's private medical information. OP doesn't need us doing a guessing game or feeling pressured to say.

It's very traumatic awaiting results that may have a catastrophic impact on the whole family.

I'm praying that you come back saying he's all clear or it's something treatable.

I would tell my DH that his mother HAS to know and that he absolutely must tell her. I would give him a time by which to do so and then, I would tell her myself if he had not already done so. She absolutely must be told.

All the best, OP.

OP, this sounds like a super stressful time for you and for your husband. I hope you got the tests you needed today and you get the results tomorrow. My thoughts are with you and your family. I'm sorry so many people on this thread have been behaving so crassly.

Will your DH let you tell his mum once he has the results tomorrow?

It’s not. But more and more these days on MN, if the discussion is running out of steam, some posters rake over OP’s posts in an effort to catch them out or cast doubt on the truth of the situation - usually out of frustration at not being given all the gory details. There have been a few recent posts seemingly in that vein. My prediction is for a pile on if OP doesn’t oblige. I think some of the comments have been disgusting - completely overlooking the fact that the situation not only concerns MiL, but could potentially end with OP losing her DH and their children losing their dad.

If the situation wasn’t so serious it would almost be amusing that some posters who are lecturing OP on the ills of disclosing private medical information to MiL are also clamouring to know the nature of the potential diagnosis and testing.

What on earth is the matter with posters who are niggling the OP?
She's having a difficult enough time as it is without you lot moaning!

hmmwhat1 very best wishes to you and your DH.
Please ask for help from friends & family who are available & capable to help.
They may well be taken in by DH's downplaying but if you need help for yourself let them know that.

We - Acute medics

I think this poster is a medic working in acute diagnosis so would probably be able to advise on the MiL situation more than most if they knew what the testing was for.

Thinking of you OP.

I couldn’t read all this without sending a hug and my warmest hopes that you now rapidly get the answers you need and I truly hope they’re good ones <3

Hope you’re ok OP x

Good for your for maintaining your DH’s privacy. I would also tell him that you are notifying MIL regardless of the results once you know for sure. You’ve had such an awful week and YOU need support. I really hope your DH’s results have a positive outcome.

Bloody hell people, give OP a break. She owes you nothing. She doesn’t need diagnoses or treatment plans from mumsnetters.

But they won't be able to tell the future and the outcome, neither do they know the mil and what her reaction will be. So at this stage it's pure nosiness

Why are people trying to catch the op out?

And it’s utter nonsense that there are a very limited number of things confirmed by a test.

This thread has gone in such a weird direction and shows how putrid some people can be when they think more about being the Big Know-it-all than they do about what others might be going through.

Why didn’t you try PMing the op. This may be trying to help but it comes across as catching her out/ putting her on the spot.

She’s already got doctors informing her, she made it clear she did not want to disclose what it is