To think MIL should know DH is in hospital having serious tests, even though she's on holiday

[hmmwhat1]

DH is on day 5 in hospital having various tests to (hopefully) rule out very nasty potential diagnoses.

He is very stressed, lonely and in need of support. I am unable to visit much as we have young children who are not allowed to visit. All support offered from friends and siblings has been accepted, but DH remains in hospital feeling alone and scared.

DMIL is abroad in a European country on holiday. We are reasonably close to her and have a good relationship. If this had happened when she was in the country, she would be highly involved in this situation.

DH doesn't want to tell her ruin her holiday unless he actually receives a bad diagnosis.

AIBU to think that she should know her son is on day 5 in hospital, facing potentially devastating diagnosis (the nature of the conditions in discussion are that they would deteriorate imminently and could cause almost immediate death), and is not coping well with the support available? As a mother I would 100% want to know and would be on the first flight home, without questions, and just be relieved if it didn't end up being one of the bad diagnoses.

YABU- don't ruin her holiday
YANBU- she should be told

I won't be contacting DMIL, it's DHs decision, but interested to see what others think.

Wow!
The ‘grown man’ said he didn't want to bother his mum, my experience was to show that there can be another side to situations like this. I’m pretty certain that if he knew his mum would be very upset at not being informed he’d have her there in a shot.

I’m sure he’s intelligent enough to know a diagnosis will upset his mum?

Not saying they can, but it might give a bit better indication as to whether MiL needs to be told so she can make the decision. I think some posters are just nosy, but I think @letmego24 is just trying to be helpful. I think the PM option might be better in that case.

Not suggesting for one moment that OP reveals the diagnosis, or that the medics aren’t keeping her informed. Just saying that someone here with some medical knowledge might be able to put OP’s mind at rest as she clearly has reservations about her DH’s decision not to contact MiL. And there’s always the PM option if she doesn’t want to disclose online.

And yet doesn’t seem to realise the stress he’s causing OP and the awful situation that will arise if anything happens to him before MiL can get home.

I’m not sure if this helps OP, but when I went into hospital my mum kept crying when she came to see me so wasn’t supportive.
Fingers crossed for your DH 🙏🤞

Hope the test was done yesterday and that it rules out the conditions which you are fearing. Can you get DH’s siblings to provide him with some extra support while you await the outcome?

Honestly I really think there is something wrong with the posters here. Whether you think the MIL should or should not be informed there is no need for this angry, vituperative, response to the OP and other posters.

It is, or feels like, a life or death matter to OP and her family but its just a theoretical issue for mumsnetters. Why the absolute rage on behalf of a hypothetical possibility that a “grown man” not gave final say over family information about a major crisis.

I would/wouldnt do it is enough, surely? Why these vile attacks on “mammas boys” and on OP for “betraying” his “private medical information.”

regardless of you saying it's not that easy, it actually becomes more easy. It's not your place to make a decision about someone else's information. Simple as that. And that should be the answer to anyone kicking off about the decision.

Speaking as an ex nurse who HAD TO consider legal implications. If my patient says don't tell my mother, then I don't tell his mother, regardless if I would tell my own.

His information, his health, his family = his decision.

You can support a patient in that kind of decision because you don’t have to live with the consequences. OP does. I’ve been in that situation myself and when we discussed it afterwards my DP admitted he hadn’t thought about the implications for me, had anything happened to him - because he wasn’t thinking clearly in the moment. That’s the situation the OP is in now. Not saying whether she should or shouldn’t - that’s an entirely personal decision and OP wasn’t posting for advice because she’s not proposing to go against her DH. She was asking for personal opinions, and that’s mine.

I really hope your husband finally gets the test and that he is OK OP. Thinking of you

OP, so sorry you're going through this and having MIL be oblivious must be awful.

Hope the tests have been carried out and you know a bit more. Perhaps, whatever the outcome, at least DH will be able to let his mum know once you know for sure what you're dealing with.

Because she doesn't want to
Because it's not relevant
Because it isn't going to change things

It's quite tricky and you may have already decided, but I'd work a bit harder on why he doesn't want her told because honestly if I were her I would REALLY want to know and to be able to come home to be with him and you as well. In my view this is really a time to put family first. A holiday can always be taken later. He may not want to make a fuss. He may not be seeing clearly how much she'd mind or how much nicer it would be for you all if she were also around and able to be a part of this horrible situation. I'm so sorry he and you are going through this. Hope whatever you decide feels right.

This. I would 100% want to know. Knowing would also give her a little time to prepare should the worst happen. I would be devastated at not being told.

How is he OP?

But OP already has people around her (doctors who are there and know what is going on) to advise her, her question was very different and did not need busybodies enquiring about the actual diagnosis nor tests, even though their intentions may not have been bad. Unless that partocilar poster is a family member or a doctor treating OPs husband, it was not really for her to ask.

Why these vile attacks on “mammas boys” and on OP for “betraying” his “private medical information.”

Because it’s Mumsnet and this is what Mumsnet does best - full of keyboard warriors quite prepared to give . Vitriol towards the OP which gets worse as the thread goes on, and a pile on to posters who disagree with the general consensus. And if you read back through the thread, some posters who have accused the OP of ‘betraying’ her DH’s medical info are the same ones insisting she should post it on MN to give more ‘context’.

OP posted on a public forum. Of course it was for this poster to ask if she thought she could help if she had a background in medicine. Much more than posters asking out of sheer bloody nosiness because they want the details. Go back and look at how many posters were criticising OP for ‘betraying’ her DH’s medical details to his mother, while demanding to know them themselves.

Posters medical knowledge is irrelevant because she is not 100% familiar with OP's husbands case and OP eas not asking about prognosis and possibilities, but about a very human what would you do, not about medical advice.
I know people are nosy and it's a custom to ask about lots of irrelevant details to satisfy the curiosity, but offering unwanted and not needed advice especially the way it was phrased maybe shows the poster needs to learn a thing about how to approach people (especially if they are in position to be offering this advise in a professional setup).

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, OP. I’m really sorry you’ve not had as much support as you need from the people around you. I nearly died of sepsis last year with two children five and under - it was terrifying (I’m fine now!). I feel for both of you. I’m sorry not everyone on the thread is being kind. I didn’t post while I was in hospital because I was too fragile to deal with any negativity. Just sending you hugs and as you must be sick with worry on every front.

Oh, and I was alone in the hospital when I was told how serious it was. My initial instinct was not to tell DH or DM as I didn’t want to worry them. I told a dear friend instead and she persuaded me they needed to know, but that was a very immediate risk - and nobody was on holiday.

Pretty much everyone on this thread has been offering unwanted and not needed advice. And not from a medical point of view either. The fact that someone who is in a position to advise from a medical background has been subjected to the same treatment pretty much says it all.

Hope you got good news today OP x

Hi OP. Just wanted to pop on to let you know I’m thinking of you and your DH. Hope you get the tests soon and get good news 💐