To think MIL should know DH is in hospital having serious tests, even though she's on holiday

[hmmwhat1]

DH is on day 5 in hospital having various tests to (hopefully) rule out very nasty potential diagnoses.

He is very stressed, lonely and in need of support. I am unable to visit much as we have young children who are not allowed to visit. All support offered from friends and siblings has been accepted, but DH remains in hospital feeling alone and scared.

DMIL is abroad in a European country on holiday. We are reasonably close to her and have a good relationship. If this had happened when she was in the country, she would be highly involved in this situation.

DH doesn't want to tell her ruin her holiday unless he actually receives a bad diagnosis.

AIBU to think that she should know her son is on day 5 in hospital, facing potentially devastating diagnosis (the nature of the conditions in discussion are that they would deteriorate imminently and could cause almost immediate death), and is not coping well with the support available? As a mother I would 100% want to know and would be on the first flight home, without questions, and just be relieved if it didn't end up being one of the bad diagnoses.

YABU- don't ruin her holiday
YANBU- she should be told

I won't be contacting DMIL, it's DHs decision, but interested to see what others think.

@zingally how do you know she won't be any help. OP has said that DH would want her support if she was home, it is the holiday that is making things difficult. MIL may be a very stoical figure, good in a crisis. If we were in this situation my MIL would be a lot calmer than me!

Leaving your DH to one side for a moment hmmwhat1, would your DMIL be a help or hindrance to you personally right now?

If you aren't getting the support that you need, and she could relieve some of that pressure, then don't feel bad about taking that in consideration when making your decision.

I'm getting the sense that you are surrounded by - no doubt well meaning - people who are vocal, but not necessarily helpful.

I often have these conversations with people in my clinical, professional capacity, and am not unfamiliar with the scenario of a wife run ragged trying to appease everyone else at the expense of her own needs. Your needs and your children's needs matter too. And just because your DH is sick, doesn't mean he can't be wrong.

Good luck for the test today.

Go easy on yourself x

OP please take the relaxed pace of the hospital doing tests to 'exclude' as a good sign

I think when your DH is hopefully better OP you could do with having a proper sit down conversation with him about how impossible you found this situation. I’m sure he has good reasons for not telling DMIL but the impact on you and the children has been huge.

Praying the test goes well OP. Good luck.

You really need to respect your husband's choice.

There is no diagnosis yet and not much your MIL could do beyond adding another stress person to the mix...

Let her enjoy her holiday.

Be kind to yourself OP! Feeling stressed and shouting too much is totally normal in this situation; the great thing about kids is they forgive and forget very quickly. It’s a new day today. Fingers crossed for the tests later and that it turns out to be good news. Stay strong, you’ve got this xxxx

Hope the test goes well and whatever it is is benign, op. I can understand why you're so frustrated and upset with the lack of support from friends/ family.

Not that it matters much, ad you'll hopefully have your answer soon, but this is one of those lose-lose scenarios unfortunately. As a mother, I too would want to know and would be on the fastest plane home. But the reality is, it's not your mother it's your mil and your dh has been quite clear - and I understand that perspective too. If it was me in his situation, I'd say exactly the same.

Anyway, fingers crossed for a positive outcome for you all.

How long is it before your MIL gets home? I'd speak with your husband asking how he would feel if it were his Mum who were poorly & he wasn't told. I'd probably not want to spoil the holiday in that situation too , however, as a Mum I'd definitely want to know if it were my Son. If you wait on the results then decide from there if you feel MIL should know ask your husband again what his thoughts are about letting her know. Fingers crossed for you that the tests show it's not bad news.

No, I said I’m not sure that DH is entitled to make a unilateral decision, given that it could have repercussions on OP if the worst happened. It’s not simply a question of who has access to their medical information, it’s a moral question, because should he pass away he’s leaving OP to deal with the fallout from MiL on top of her own devastating grief and that of her children. I think if it were me, I would perhaps leave the decision to OP and then any consequences would be as a result of her own decision, not mine. It’s a difficult situation and I suppose no-one really knows what they would do until they’re actually in that situation. This is just my take on things - OP knows her partner and knows her MiL so obviously is in a position to judge and act accordingly.

Glad to hear test should finally be happening today and I really hope you get best possible news from that.
It’s so rotten to discover some family & friends don’t step up in the way you’d expect/the way you would for them. I’m sorry that’s happened to you and I hope there is at least someone who will be a bit better a support over the coming days.

Glad you won’t have to be waiting much longer OP, and really hope the news is good. I must admit I was worried that the group chat would give something away if you and your DH were the only ones not taking part. The fact that almost everyone else has dropped out could be concerning.

I say this gently but are you sure your DH is in the right place mentally to make this decision ? The stress must be almost unbearable and could be affecting his ability to think clearly. I’ve just posted to the effect that I’m not sure he’s entitled to make a decision like this unilaterally, given the potential consequences for you if the worst should happen. Perhaps you could remind him that he’s putting you in an impossible situation and suggest that both he and you would benefit from MiL’s input and support right now, given that there is so little of either coming from anyone else in your family.

Yep, agree. I think this is the type of conversation that doesn’t take place until you’re actually in that situation, and by then you’re too stressed to think things through properly. My own feeling is that the decision in this case should be OP’s because should the worst happen, she will be the one to have to deal with an angry and grieving MiL at a time when she’s least able to deal with it.

Wishing you and your DH all good things, OP, and sorry it's so hard on you both. No advice or other input, just a huge virtual hug x

Or alternatively MiL could fly home and offer the support to both her son and OP that they so desperately need - both practically and emotionally - and which is lacking from the rest of the family.

I realise this has come from a good place but sadly, and from experience, I don’t think the pace is ‘relaxed’ at all. I think it’s a question of which patients take priority over the resources available.

YANBU - If it was my child I would want to know, and quite frankly I would be pissed no one had told me what was going on! That's my baby no matter how old they are.

At least when she comes home and kicks off you can say out of all of them you really wanted to tell her what was going on but were forbidden and she can take it up with her other children

What are they testing him for or trying to rule out?

Please keep us updated, and I hope you have a good outcome.

If he were just in for tests and there was no diagnosis I'd usually be minded to say I agree with your husband.

But as you've said he could potentially go downhill imminently then I'd tell her.

OP wishing you the best news today. Make sure you/your husband write down who the dr is and what they say, when. Communication is key.

It's a difficult and emotionally charged situation with no easy answers. Personally, I would talk with my DH again.

He's scared and needing every bit of support he can get. OP's DH is being altruistic, thinking of his mum but still needing every bit of love and support he can get. There are no issues between them, the OP has said they are close.

I would remind him that while he's thinking of her, he needs to think what would she want as his mom. He's protecting her as his son, but he needs to see the other side of the equation by asking him if he'd like to be the parent with a similar situation happening to his child.

Also wishing the best news for both of them and their family.

@hmmwhat1 so sorry to hear, what an awful tole
for you all, sending lots of love and strength to you.

As a mum and wife, I’d absolutely tell MIL if you feel it’d help DH. He is the priority right now and may not emotionally be in the right place to say what he really wants.

The situation could go either way, (praying that everything goes well with his tests) and as a mum, she’d want to be there for him, for you and for her grandchildren - or to at least make the choice to come back.

Looking at this purely from the mother's pov. That poor woman will be horrified and feel humiliated (especially over the photos and group chat) when she finds out.
What an awful dilemma OP. I would go against the grain and tell her now, she could cut short her trip and be back tomorrow.

As to the support of friends and family. Any cancer sufferer would tell you that serious illness shows who your real friends are. People I thought were close friends melted away and acquaintances unexpectedly stepped up.

Thinking of you and wishing you speedy good news.