To think MIL should know DH is in hospital having serious tests, even though she's on holiday

[hmmwhat1]

DH is on day 5 in hospital having various tests to (hopefully) rule out very nasty potential diagnoses.

He is very stressed, lonely and in need of support. I am unable to visit much as we have young children who are not allowed to visit. All support offered from friends and siblings has been accepted, but DH remains in hospital feeling alone and scared.

DMIL is abroad in a European country on holiday. We are reasonably close to her and have a good relationship. If this had happened when she was in the country, she would be highly involved in this situation.

DH doesn't want to tell her ruin her holiday unless he actually receives a bad diagnosis.

AIBU to think that she should know her son is on day 5 in hospital, facing potentially devastating diagnosis (the nature of the conditions in discussion are that they would deteriorate imminently and could cause almost immediate death), and is not coping well with the support available? As a mother I would 100% want to know and would be on the first flight home, without questions, and just be relieved if it didn't end up being one of the bad diagnoses.

YABU- don't ruin her holiday
YANBU- she should be told

I won't be contacting DMIL, it's DHs decision, but interested to see what others think.

Only a few days and she'll be home. I hope your dh is going to be OK.

I have only read your comments and stepped away from the replies. I know how hard it can be to rely on help that is offered initially but never actioned, especially if you have children with other needs etc.

I just wanted to send you a hug and some mental support - you're going through a horrible time and trying to put on the stiff upper lip for your husband. Be kind to yourself and I really hope the tests happened today and the results were good.

YABU

DH health, DH relative = DH decision.
Legally and Morally. YABU.

No matter if anyone would do different.

I don't think I'd call anyone faced with this situation unreasonable.

Really hoping it's good news for him OP. 🙏 xx

I agree with thus totally.

OP is there a reason why you can't just say the test??

Absolutely respect his wishes, he's got enough to worry about without anyone going against that.

Firstly, because I am aiming to not be recognised should someone I know see this thread.
Secondly, because I definitely don't want have stories about posters' stories with this condition- I already know it's pretty catastrophic.
Thirdly, it's not relevant to my AIBU.

If only it were that straightforward when you’re actually in that situation.

Yep, so much in agreement with him that they’ve all but disappeared off the group chat with MiL because they can’t keep up the facade.

It is relevant but if you don't want to say it's ok. I just don't think a test reveals a diagnosis so think it's fairly safe. I wondered if you might be overly worried and might be able to understand better if you reveal it. There are not many single tests that give the answer definitively though many rule one particular thing out.
Eg CT TAP
COLONOSCOPY
ANGIOGRAM
Bone marrow biopsy

Those people talking about respecting DH's wishes are being ridiculous. He WANTS his mother there, just doesn't want to disrupt her holiday. He doesn't realise just how dreadful she will feel when she finds out what has been going on without her knowing.

And the fact that dh has such a potentially serious issue does not trump the fact that his wife and children need support. The poor op is clearly at her wits end and probably in no fit state to care for her children properly.

OP - please let your MIL know. And either put out a whole family/friends alert - or ask someone to do this on your behalf - to say that dh is downplaying the situation but things are very serious and you really need some help and support.

The test will definitively rule in or out the concerning diagnoses.

I thought it may be some sort of tumour previously undiagnosed as I have first hand experience of my DH with a lung tumour - there were no symptoms until he collapsed and he died two days later. But now I’m thinking like a few other posters, that it may be some sort of aneurysm, which is an emergency situation and prone to rapid deterioration.

I don't think it's outing we only have a certain barrage of tests at our disposal so must are fairly common. Is he sick?

OP doesn't want to say so hard to know how serious it is.

We usually can test for aneurysms fairly quickly with CT Angio etc
Could be an LP to rule out SAH maybe

OP has already said how serious it is.

Potentially serious diagnoses to be ruled out she said

Oh for god’s sake can we not carp more at OP? Its serious.

I seem to have inadvertently created a mystery for people to solve. You don't need a diagnosis to support with my AIBU. Hope you're all having fun speculating and narrowing it down when I've said I'm deliberately said I'm trying to be vague and not mention the exact situation to keep anonymous.

Getting identified by friends and family is not what I need right now, but go on, carry on. Well done 👏

Ok up to you. We rule things out all the time, just trying to help. Good luck to your dh.

That said, I have realised that DH is downplaying the situation to people who are contacting him, which isn't bloody helpful.

To the point that people won't offer to have your kids so that you at least can visit him?

And why is it that you need to know this?