Should he have helped?

[Jelnotjel]

I was unwell yesterday (Thursday) - in bed, sleeping on and off all day unwell.
At home with two young children.

Fiancé (who lives about 25 minutes away) helped in the day by choice rather than me asking. Great. Then he had to pick up his car late afternoon from a location about twenty minutes away. No problem.

I asked him to come back to help with the evening stuff for the kids. He refused.

He refused because he wanted to rest up for a new job starting on Monday and declined the offer of a bed and room to himself because he thought he might hear the children at five am, ignoring the fact he has all weekend to rest up. He could also have just left to go home after putting them to bed.

I feel like he should have helped in the evening since he was needed. Yes we made it through, no one died but the children got cold leftovers for dinner and i did fall asleep before them so it wasn't ideal, and he had no good reason not to help.

Aibu for thinking he should've helped out?

He's calling me a parasite now for being upset he didn't help.

Would be interesting to see when the kids came into this shitfuck of a situation..... Poor bairns

You had me at ‘parasite’ who the hell thinks that’s in anyway acceptable! Then when I read he is your kids dad….I’m speechless.

Yes we split up, he moved out, we got back together, we worked on things and set a date to go back to cohabitation rather than jumping in prematurely

But you've also said this:

We were looking to move in together next year when married.

So you set a date to go back to cohabitation after getting married??!!

Everything about this is deeply fucked up. The fact that he's an arsehole when you're ill is just the icing on the shit cake of this relationship. End it for good.

sorry you’ve had so much flack @Jelnotjel i think people try to imagine the situation in order to feedback and your initial post one would have presumed new partner not kids dad, your situation makes sense when you explain with subsequent posts but you get rinsed in here for a drip feed. To your question I think he’s treating you and kids really badly. Even if he were not their dad I’d expect more from a fiancé. Jesus some of my friends would step up if I were sick and on my own with kids (I had this scenario when my partner was away for work). Please don’t marry this man. That’s aside from calling you a parasite. You deserve better. 💐💐

Oh boy don’t move in with him. He’ll be just as lazy but he’ll be underfoot and you’ll have to put up with his snoring.

So he doesn't care about his children or you. You deserve far better than this, OP, please don't marry him.

I've been unwell this week and have one teenager at home. DH has been v. supportive, just as I am to him when he's unwell. That's what you should expect.

What a depressing read.

Dont marry him.

Raise your bar and set an example for your kids.

Btw, its not helping, its called being a parent 🙄

Jeez!! What was he like before??

Both of you are half in and half out. Lucky that have the tax payer to subsidise you whilst you make a decision eh?

Probably benefits doooh, I only recently found out that lots of people do that for benefits.

Regardless of you being unwell, what kind of relationship do they have with their father in all of this?

It appears he comes and goes and stays overnight as he pleases. A very part-time dad.

Is this giving your children any stability or reassurance that they have a dad who enjoys being with them?

It comes over as if you are a couple who have split up and are co-parenting (but only when it suits him.)

I am sure others have pointed it out, but techically you ARE being unreasonable asking for help when you are ill. You shouldn't be thinking of it as "helping" at least not anymore than all the childcare you do as "helping" him. They are his children. You can't force him to be less useless, but equally you don't need to see it as "great" if he helps in the day [with his own children!] by choice. Otherwise your standards end up so low that any time he miraculously does the bare minimum, you will see it as somehow making up for all the times he is rubbish. Rather than the bare minimum.

What I mean is, he isn't "helping" he is being a parent - and he should always be doing that, not just when he feels like it.

Parasite? LTB immediately, do not marry him. You are worth so much more, have some self respect and dump him now.

He's calling me a parasite now for being upset he didn't help.

I think you will find he is communicating extremely well.

But are you listening?

If anyone called me a parasite I wouldn't be calling them my fiance. Why on earth put up with someone who speaks to you that way.

He called you a parasite because you asked him to look after HIS OWN children, when you were unwell.

He's not a fucking father, he's a waste of air.

Maintenance? Interesting.

A glimpse of your future, I reckon, where he dumps all the parenting on you because he's so important!

Some people deserve the shitty people they end up with.

If my dh called me a parasite he’d be out the door, disgusting way to speak to the mother of his children.

And that’s before getting into the extremely unfair living/childcare arrangements.

As others have said: A FATHER LOOKING AFTER HIS OWN CHILDREN IS NOT “HELPING”! It’s the bare fucking minimum.

Why are you with him op? In what way is your life better with him than without him?

I bet the verbal abuse isn’t a one-off either is it?

Yanbu for expecting him to step up and parent his kids when you're sick.
Yabu for even thinking about marrying someone you lived with when it didn't work out and called you a parasite.

Yep I know people who do this too and it winds me up a bit. Bad value for the taxpayer and exacerbates the social housing crisis where social housing is involved.

Doesn't necessarily mean that's what's going on here and we shouldn't assume.

On topic....

OP, he's no good. Don't marry him and keep the benefits you're entitled to since you're clearly a single parent anyway!

So why are you getting married (you call him your fiance) and why would you want to marry a man who doesnt step up

You're not unreasonable, he is

You would be unreasonable if you marry him though