Should he have helped?

[Jelnotjel]

I was unwell yesterday (Thursday) - in bed, sleeping on and off all day unwell.
At home with two young children.

Fiancé (who lives about 25 minutes away) helped in the day by choice rather than me asking. Great. Then he had to pick up his car late afternoon from a location about twenty minutes away. No problem.

I asked him to come back to help with the evening stuff for the kids. He refused.

He refused because he wanted to rest up for a new job starting on Monday and declined the offer of a bed and room to himself because he thought he might hear the children at five am, ignoring the fact he has all weekend to rest up. He could also have just left to go home after putting them to bed.

I feel like he should have helped in the evening since he was needed. Yes we made it through, no one died but the children got cold leftovers for dinner and i did fall asleep before them so it wasn't ideal, and he had no good reason not to help.

Aibu for thinking he should've helped out?

He's calling me a parasite now for being upset he didn't help.

Also sounds as if the financial aspect of not living together is just to claim single parent benefits whilst not actually being a single parent.

so engaged but unable to live together? Really…

he called you a parasite?? What the fuck, how dare he. Ages ago I was in a new (only 3 months old) relationship and I got quinsy and ended up being hospitalised as the oral antibiotics did not work and I became extremely unwell. My new partner more than stepped up, he came over,cooked, cleaned, looked after my then 12 year old child. Accompanied me to the GP and was a tower of strength in a situation that many would have opted out of. When I came out of hospital he had shopped and filled the fridge and was an absolute hero. I am sorry that you have been treated like this, it is rude and selfish

This so called 'man' is not worth your time. Although a man (if physically able) would provide for his children if you have lost your job, and not expect other men and women to fund HIS children so I use the word man in the biological sense.

Please do not marry this man. Get a job so you can be financially independent and show your children that women do not need to put up with this shit, they can thrive on their own

Your kids deserve better. So much better. They have no choice but to accept their parents' decisions, selfish or otherwise.

Parasite? Wow. Two children too. Just wow.

Dear god.

OP. Please raise your bar. For your sake, and for your kids.

so if it didn't work out, why are getting married/having children with him?

none of this makes any sense. he should be having the children half the time if you live apart. if you were split up he would be?

do not marry this idiot and stop having his children.

I am trying to imagine telling to my ill partner that no, I will not look after my own children, because I want to have a free weekend. I mean..surely you hear how absurd it sounds?

This! They are his kids. He could/should have took them while you rested up!

They’re his kids? You should have dropped them off at his place! Sounds like he has a very cushy deal.

This post is so aggressive.
Poor kids in this situation.

Why is he your fiance??? He seems selfish, annoys you and your previous attempt at living together didn’t work?
why bother getting married to this?

He's a complete failure of a man

Ditch him and move on

'overnight shag' was part of my response to those asking after how often he stays, not a summing up of our entire relationship.

Yes we split up, he moved out, we got back together, we worked on things and set a date to go back to cohabitation rather than jumping in prematurely (because as explained it was convenient to live apart and would've caused disruption not just to the finances and work situation but also the kids if it didn't work out). Mind-blowing, I know.

Anyways, thank you everyone for your input. Truly is appreciated and nice to see others agree I'm not being unreasonable re asking for help when ill!

Bloody hell! The only parasite here is him.

You live apart and he lets you struggle by on benefits and what I assume is fairly minimal maintenance? He does little or nothing to look after his kids, and certainly no bedtimes, early mornings or overnights? He thinks he requires a whole weekend and more to “rest up” before starting a new job? You not working enables him to work with no worries about childcare, but far from being thankfully or fully sharing his wages or home with you, he calls YOU the parasite?

He sounds an appalling man.

I would definitely rethink marrying him - or as a pp has said, have a basic wedding if it gives you a claim on any property. You’re the one enabling him to work after all. However, if he is or you think he might be in debt (he’s giving me in debt vibes) don’t.

I understand you aren’t doing anything it legal but it is immoral - on his part not yours - to leave your partner dependent on benefits when you are working and could be supporting them.

On the other hand, I think you’re better off not living with this loser for your sanity!

He won't help.
He's not loving.
He calls you names.
He doesn't put his children's needs above his own.
He is selfish.

Why OP are you looking to love and honour someone like this?

Honestly, this is no life.

I was in two minds until I read that he is the kids’ father. What a turd!

Also, what kind of a weed needs several days rest before starting a new job?

Jeez, don't marry this lazy fucker whatever you do.

And don't ever move in with him, you'll end up with an extra child in the house.

Cut your losses now

He’s shown you he doesn’t give a damn about you or the kids. Pay attention and see him for what he is.

it didn't work before and it won't work again.

pretty sure yesterday was Thursday, thus a few days before he starts new job on Monday

at least you truely know the person you think you are getting married to...

So, this prince of a man is incapable of parenting his own children when he is the only physically well parent, because it might make him tired... for work in a few days' time.

Don't let him move in or marry you. Bin him. Then he can have 50:50 time with the kids and fully enjoy the parenting experience, or pay you child support.

Is he paying for his children’s upkeep or is the tax payer? That’s going to determine my answer.

I voted YABU because I assumed he wasn’t the child’s father - why would you not say this in the OP.

But he is their father - so yes, he should have helped.

It's relevant because he doesn't see his kids as his responsibility. He can live the single life and piss off home whenever he wants.

OP noooo.

Not being able to live together is first red flag. Him not being interested in helping you when you’re ill, in the interest of his kids is another two red flags.

Do not get married, you already have evidence that you can’t live together and it doesn’t sound much of a partnership - both foundations for marriage.