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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should he have helped?

263 replies

Jelnotjel · 13/09/2024 12:10

I was unwell yesterday (Thursday) - in bed, sleeping on and off all day unwell.
At home with two young children.

Fiancé (who lives about 25 minutes away) helped in the day by choice rather than me asking. Great. Then he had to pick up his car late afternoon from a location about twenty minutes away. No problem.

I asked him to come back to help with the evening stuff for the kids. He refused.

He refused because he wanted to rest up for a new job starting on Monday and declined the offer of a bed and room to himself because he thought he might hear the children at five am, ignoring the fact he has all weekend to rest up. He could also have just left to go home after putting them to bed.

I feel like he should have helped in the evening since he was needed. Yes we made it through, no one died but the children got cold leftovers for dinner and i did fall asleep before them so it wasn't ideal, and he had no good reason not to help.

Aibu for thinking he should've helped out?

He's calling me a parasite now for being upset he didn't help.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 14/09/2024 10:32

I think YABU to be considering marriage with this bloke.
He behaves like he's single, you've already tried living together and it was a failure, and he's a hopeless father.

Oh, and you have a very strange financial set up. Not what would be expected in a healthy partnership.

Theunamedcat · 14/09/2024 10:37

He called you a parasite you should be running

DontCallAnyoneAnIdiotOrYouWillBeBannedAgain · 14/09/2024 10:45

Jelnotjel · 14/09/2024 00:38

Curious as to the 25% saying I'm unreasonable... May I ask is it:
A. Because I'm on benefits and didn't move right back in with him therefore a parasite therefore unreasonable or
B. Do you think I'm unreasonable for having had an expectation of further support in the evening rather than just being grateful for what I got? Or
C. Something else (besides at first not realising he was the dad)?

Or

D. AIBU for staying with this parasite who will ruin my children's lives - YES

But you already know that...

pikkumyy77 · 14/09/2024 11:56

Anyone remember the original self help parody “He’s Just Not That Into You?” I remember reading it and laughing hysterically at the obvious absurdity of the puzzled women who were describing horrendous treatment from their boyfriends but who gamely soldiered on until the phrase “he’s just not that into you” sunk in.

If he takes your money to buy drinks fir another woman?
If he vomits in your bed and expects you to clean it up? (Examples from the book)
If he can’t be bothered to live with you and his own children?
If he calls you a parasite?

He’s just not that into you.

AnnieSnap · 14/09/2024 18:04

This is the weirdest family arrangement I’ve come across. Of course he should take care of his own children, but given that he chooses not to be ‘inconvenienced’ by them and you have a single parent arrangement, why on earth are you going to marry him next year? It will only end badly and there is expense and emotional fallout in that!

bobster31 · 14/09/2024 18:18

Am I the only one who can't understand why you're getting married?? He won't support you when you're ill, won't look after his children, calls you horrible names and you can't live together. What are you actually getting out of this? If you just want to have a good party, wear a white dress and have some nice photos then just do that with your family and friends without marrying him! He sounds vile and you need to have more respect for yourself.

Judgedontbudge · 14/09/2024 19:28

Are you making this up? I’m sure not. Everyone on here is asking if they’re his kids, who cares. They’re missing the point that your fiancé - the man you are marrying and devoting the rest of your life too (allegedly) called you a parasite??!!!! Ditch the tw*t.

Coco1379 · 14/09/2024 23:26

If it failed once, why would you consider getting married and living together? It doesn’t sound as if he intends to be a father to your dc. Leopards don’t change their spots…

Lalalalalalalalalalaoohoohwee · 15/09/2024 00:20

Jelnotjel · 13/09/2024 12:10

I was unwell yesterday (Thursday) - in bed, sleeping on and off all day unwell.
At home with two young children.

Fiancé (who lives about 25 minutes away) helped in the day by choice rather than me asking. Great. Then he had to pick up his car late afternoon from a location about twenty minutes away. No problem.

I asked him to come back to help with the evening stuff for the kids. He refused.

He refused because he wanted to rest up for a new job starting on Monday and declined the offer of a bed and room to himself because he thought he might hear the children at five am, ignoring the fact he has all weekend to rest up. He could also have just left to go home after putting them to bed.

I feel like he should have helped in the evening since he was needed. Yes we made it through, no one died but the children got cold leftovers for dinner and i did fall asleep before them so it wasn't ideal, and he had no good reason not to help.

Aibu for thinking he should've helped out?

He's calling me a parasite now for being upset he didn't help.

So many red flags here. Why is caring for his children your job? I just don't understand men who think they can carry on living their lives how they want and watch someone else take up all the slack, it's just so selfish. And to then call you a parasite because you asked him to look after his own children?! Nope. Do not marry or have any more children with this waste of space. He clearly cares more about himself than he does his children, and you, and you all deserve better.

jrc1071 · 15/09/2024 09:17

It is very clear he wants to have his space and comfort, which means parenting is not a priority for him. He has his own home, can rest when he wants, sleep in when he wants. And he does not want to let that go.

He communicated VERY CLEARLY to you by not staying. And marrying him and living with him (which you already tried) will not change him.

outdamnedspots · 15/09/2024 09:24

OP, YANBU at all. Your p/bf was being VU.

He refused because he wanted to rest up for a new job starting on Monday and declined the offer of a bed and room to himself because he thought he might hear the children at five am, ignoring the fact he has all weekend to rest up.
He's calling me a parasite now for being upset he didn't help.

He is VU for name-calling and for being a lazy, selfish fuckwit who doesn't have your back and who doesn't care enough about you or his dc.

Are you sure you want to move in with him again? It first sounds like he's changed at all.

outdamnedspots · 15/09/2024 09:24

*doesn't not first.

caringcarer · 15/09/2024 09:25

gamerchick · 13/09/2024 12:19

This is him OP. The line he has drawn on what you can expect from him.

You can either accept it or not. It's up to you. Hope you feel better soon .

He is not going to get better after marriage. Is this the type of man you want to be married to?

The13thFairy · 15/09/2024 09:58

I beg you, do not marry this selfish man. You think you can't count on him, but you certainly can ~ you can count on him looking after number one! Forget about 'for better, for worse'. Don't marry him.

Laura95167 · 15/09/2024 11:43

If he's their dad and your fiance whys he living 25mins away?

arethereanyleftatall · 15/09/2024 11:56

I read the op, assuming there's no way this could be the father, and thus why you were asking.

That should tell you everything you need to know.

He isn't acting like he is their father. You are not acting like he is their father.

What an absolute fuck up for those kids. They are growing up learning that women's work is parenting, the father does whatever he likes.

Your bar must be in the floor to consider this in any way acceptable.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/09/2024 11:56

Typo. But actually it works. *on the floor.
But *in the floor actually works better because it is lower.

YellowphantGrey · 15/09/2024 12:04

No matter the circumstances, whether you live together or not, whether you are engaged or not, whether the relationship has already failed or not, whether you claim benefits or not, whether he needed the sleep for work or not and so on, none of it matters.

What matters is that he was able to help you and chose not to.

That's all you need to know. He chose not to because he didn't want to and it didn't suit him and he didn't consider you or his children.

That won't change.

Original poster
Jelnotjel · 15/09/2024 12:07

Hello all. You'll be glad to hear it's over.

Thanks again.

OP posts:
YellowphantGrey · 15/09/2024 12:16

Jelnotjel · 15/09/2024 12:07

Hello all. You'll be glad to hear it's over.

Thanks again.

How are you feeling about that?

LightSpeeds · 15/09/2024 12:16

Calling you a parasite?

At that point, you should have just told him it's over!

What a bastard.

Cupooee · 15/09/2024 12:23

OP, he is absolute scum.

Glad that you have finished it.
Bad enough that you have had two children with this tool.

For goodness sake keep him out of your home.
I hope you feel better.
It was worth it to know how he truly feels about you and his children.

Whata truly awful word to use to the sick mother of his children.

He's scum.

Toddlerteaplease · 15/09/2024 12:25

If you've already lived together before, and it didn't work out. Why on earth did you have kids and agree to marry him? This isn't going to last!

TheShellBeach · 15/09/2024 12:36

Well done, OP.

There are better men out there.

TheShellBeach · 15/09/2024 12:36

Toddlerteaplease · 15/09/2024 12:25

If you've already lived together before, and it didn't work out. Why on earth did you have kids and agree to marry him? This isn't going to last!

She's just posted that it's over.