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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should he have helped?

263 replies

Jelnotjel · 13/09/2024 12:10

I was unwell yesterday (Thursday) - in bed, sleeping on and off all day unwell.
At home with two young children.

Fiancé (who lives about 25 minutes away) helped in the day by choice rather than me asking. Great. Then he had to pick up his car late afternoon from a location about twenty minutes away. No problem.

I asked him to come back to help with the evening stuff for the kids. He refused.

He refused because he wanted to rest up for a new job starting on Monday and declined the offer of a bed and room to himself because he thought he might hear the children at five am, ignoring the fact he has all weekend to rest up. He could also have just left to go home after putting them to bed.

I feel like he should have helped in the evening since he was needed. Yes we made it through, no one died but the children got cold leftovers for dinner and i did fall asleep before them so it wasn't ideal, and he had no good reason not to help.

Aibu for thinking he should've helped out?

He's calling me a parasite now for being upset he didn't help.

OP posts:
FloatinguptheLagan · 13/09/2024 12:22

Why would you put up with this? He’s not ‘helping out,’ he should be a father that’s parenting his own children. But he’s not.

SonicTheHodgeheg · 13/09/2024 12:22

You should treat this as a wake up call.
You know what he should have done but he is telling you that he’s too selfish to care. Why would you marry dvd move in with someone who thinks that his kids are parasites?

FiveShelties · 13/09/2024 12:23

Jelnotjel · 13/09/2024 12:19

We were looking to move in together next year when married. As for why we don't live together currently... We did before some years ago and it didn't work out. Going back didn't make sense financially or logistically with work.

Why do you think it will work when you move in together, what has changed?

K0OLA1D · 13/09/2024 12:24

He's a catch isn't he

GabriellaMontez · 13/09/2024 12:25

What is your housing situation? What's his ? Eg rented or owned.

Do you work?

By the way, he's the parasite.

HowardTJMoon · 13/09/2024 12:27

What a putz. Even if his new job was starting tomorrow he should have been there in the evening to put the kids to bed. He's their father.

junebirthdaygirl · 13/09/2024 12:28

By even calling him your fiance and not my children's father you don't even realise he is as much responsible for these dc as you are. He is being so selfish walking off and thinking about next Monday which is days away. He sees you as the one totally in charge of these kids where he will dip in and out when he has the energy.
And calling you a parasite is low down.

AGirlInACountrySong · 13/09/2024 12:30

Does he pay maintenance?

rainbowstardrops · 13/09/2024 12:30

You have two children with this 'man', you don't live together, it didn't work out last time, he calls you a parasite and he couldn't be arsed to look after his own children.
This is either all bullshit, or you need to open your eyes nice and wide.

jannier · 13/09/2024 12:31

He shouldn't help he should parent. A boyfriend who isn't the dad would hopefully help or be an ex a father should just step in but some ex partner dads are knobs ....and partner who's the dad who doesn't help should now be an ex

Jelnotjel · 13/09/2024 12:32

To whoever asked what changed - he changed.
Regards housing situation I'm not sure how that's relevant to this particular issue.
Yes he pays maintenance.

OP posts:
pasturesgreen · 13/09/2024 12:34

Jesus Christ, don't marry him!

TheShellBeach · 13/09/2024 12:34

Jelnotjel · 13/09/2024 12:32

To whoever asked what changed - he changed.
Regards housing situation I'm not sure how that's relevant to this particular issue.
Yes he pays maintenance.

Ah.
One of you is on benefits so you're unable to live together officially.

AGirlInACountrySong · 13/09/2024 12:35

Jelnotjel · 13/09/2024 12:32

To whoever asked what changed - he changed.
Regards housing situation I'm not sure how that's relevant to this particular issue.
Yes he pays maintenance.

So how do you pay for your house?

He's paying maintenance? So are you a sahm or working?

TheShellBeach · 13/09/2024 12:36

What's the financial situation?
Are you both working?

Who earns more?

Do you own property?

AGirlInACountrySong · 13/09/2024 12:36

I think @TheShellBeach has it!!

Dishwashersaurous · 13/09/2024 12:36

He's the father of the children and you are in relationship planning to be married. Why on earth doesn't he live with you and do half the parenting on a normal day to day basis?

GabriellaMontez · 13/09/2024 12:36

Jelnotjel · 13/09/2024 12:32

To whoever asked what changed - he changed.
Regards housing situation I'm not sure how that's relevant to this particular issue.
Yes he pays maintenance.

The reason I asked about housing, was to say, that if you own your own home and share it with your husband he may have a financial claim on it as well as the right to stay in it.

My point is, if you have assets, protect them by not marrying this man.

GalileoHumpkins · 13/09/2024 12:36

To whoever asked what changed - he changed
Do you mean he was worse than he currently is or has he reverted to type now?
You must know marrying a man who thinks so little of you is a recipe for disaster.

SaffronsMadAboutMe · 13/09/2024 12:36

junebirthdaygirl · 13/09/2024 12:28

By even calling him your fiance and not my children's father you don't even realise he is as much responsible for these dc as you are. He is being so selfish walking off and thinking about next Monday which is days away. He sees you as the one totally in charge of these kids where he will dip in and out when he has the energy.
And calling you a parasite is low down.

By even calling him your fiance and not my children's father you don't even realise he is as much responsible for these dc as you are.

Yep, and especially by starting a thread in the first place to ask if he should've helped with his own children?

Spenditlikebeckham · 13/09/2024 12:37

I got back with an ex after living apart for 6 months. He managed the I Have Changed facade for a fortnight after the wedding. We married 10 weeks after I took him back.
Divorce came through as we hit our first anniversary..... Keep away from him op. Ime he is still bad news....

AGirlInACountrySong · 13/09/2024 12:37

Is he living at his mother's?

TheShellBeach · 13/09/2024 12:37

And OP it isn't "helping" when they're your own children.

It's called parenting.

Are you sure he didn't want the weekend off so that he could go out with another woman?
Or just get drunk with his friends?

Nanny0gg · 13/09/2024 12:38

Jelnotjel · 13/09/2024 12:19

We were looking to move in together next year when married. As for why we don't live together currently... We did before some years ago and it didn't work out. Going back didn't make sense financially or logistically with work.

Presumably there was a reason it didn't work out...

That doesn't appear to have changed

offyoujollywelltrot · 13/09/2024 12:38

Bloody hell, DO NOT marry this dickhead.

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