Should he have helped?

[Jelnotjel]

I was unwell yesterday (Thursday) - in bed, sleeping on and off all day unwell.
At home with two young children.

Fiancé (who lives about 25 minutes away) helped in the day by choice rather than me asking. Great. Then he had to pick up his car late afternoon from a location about twenty minutes away. No problem.

I asked him to come back to help with the evening stuff for the kids. He refused.

He refused because he wanted to rest up for a new job starting on Monday and declined the offer of a bed and room to himself because he thought he might hear the children at five am, ignoring the fact he has all weekend to rest up. He could also have just left to go home after putting them to bed.

I feel like he should have helped in the evening since he was needed. Yes we made it through, no one died but the children got cold leftovers for dinner and i did fall asleep before them so it wasn't ideal, and he had no good reason not to help.

Aibu for thinking he should've helped out?

He's calling me a parasite now for being upset he didn't help.

So your living arrangements are to protect your benefits? I don't know, the whole thing seems ridiculous to me

Not to mention illegal.
And it sounds like he's a police officer.

Yes, our finances are separate. There's no fraud occurring. It didn't work out before because we didn't communicate well.

This is not a man that anyone should marry, OP. He is selfish and puts himself first at all times. That's not going to be good for you or the children.

This is a very confusing situation for your DC. I’m not sure who this is really benefitting but I can assure you it is not them.

Yeah I saw the post about 'maintenance.' Which is what my separated spouse pays me, because we're not together (and won't be again). We also live separately, because we're separated. This all sounds really fishy tbh.

I think it's only fraud if they're living together.

However, if they can arrange their finances so that it's possible to live together after marriage, I'm unsure as to why they haven't done it so far?

Either way I have a feeling this thread will be deleted at the OP's request.

He's communicating well now, isn't he? He's telling you exactly what he thinks of you and the kids.

It doesn't sound like you're ever going to have a happy marriage.

How often does he stay overnight with you?

So he never stays over to help you at night?

You say they are 'young' children

Am I missing something? Where did it even remotely imply that?

Firstly, I hope you're feeling a bit better now.
Secondly this sounds like a disaster not just waiting to happen but that happened and you're going back for round two.
Small kids are hard work and both parents need to be willing to look after them.
All I can suggest is you have a serious rethink about what you do next.

I know a fair few families that do this and it’s to claim benefits as a single parent. Partner lives ‘separately’ or just has bank account registered at another address and other parent claims benefits.

It’s a great way to bring your children up 🙄

@Jelnotjel

Going back didn't make sense financially or logistically with work.
And you can't rely on him to support you when ill.

Why would you put yourself in a worse position physically, financially and logistically than you are now? I can't see the point in marrying him.

Maybe he was an axe murderer before, or liked Piers Morgan or something.

Oh, OP. You deserve better than this horrible man. What has made you believe that you don't?

You don't have to marry him. You really do not. You could have a better life without him.

Come to think of it, the new job he's taking may improve his financial situation, hence the coming together 🤷🏾‍♀️.

Haha yes, this! “We were not communicating well” is just the most absurd way of thinking about the situation. He communicates just fine! OP just can’t bring herself to hear what he is saying.

Ok I'll be clear because it seems there are some people trying to find evidence of criminality where there is none.

Our finances are separate, we live apart despite having (had) plans to move in together.

He stays over minimally nor does he make any financial contribution to the household besides maintenance. If you had a boyfriend/girlfriend and had to tell someone/pay every time you went for an overnight shag you'd be pretty annoyed pretty soon. Can you imagine?

All irrelevant to the issue.

And for what it's worth if I was in it for the money he wouldn't have got a look in.

I really don't think your finances or living arrangements are relevant.
Do you think this is a good relationship OP? Are you prepared for a lifetime of the bare minimum from him?

So why are you getting married, as clearly nothing has changed

I’f be annoyed if my children’s father couldn’t be arsed to care enough about them or me to be living with us and supporting us. What collapsed model of family does he have—most mammals offer more commitment to their mates and children than this character.

OP this is so confusing for your kids. Having their dad over for an “overnight shag” whilst not living together but still being together is a massive head fuck. I don’t know how long you intend to live like this but I think you both need to decide ASAP if you are together (and will live together) or properly separated otherwise you risk seriously messing with your kids heads.

OP this is so confusing for your kids. Having their dad over for an “overnight shag” whilst not living together but still being together is a massive head fuck. I don’t know how long you intend to live like this but I think you both need to decide ASAP if you are together (and will live together) or properly separated otherwise you risk seriously messing with your kids heads.

I think you can add "have different views of responsibility of being a parent" to "didn't communicate well".

Forget that you and he are in a relationship - as a father seeing that the carers of your children is ill and struggling, you have responsibility to get stuck in and help them out. He put himself before his children and his other half, and asking to help for a day is not an excessive ask.

And no parent in the world has ever managed to go to a days work without feeling tired.

Why are you looking to create a future with someone like this in a relationship which is clearly not a partnership?