Should he have helped?

[Jelnotjel]

I was unwell yesterday (Thursday) - in bed, sleeping on and off all day unwell.
At home with two young children.

Fiancé (who lives about 25 minutes away) helped in the day by choice rather than me asking. Great. Then he had to pick up his car late afternoon from a location about twenty minutes away. No problem.

I asked him to come back to help with the evening stuff for the kids. He refused.

He refused because he wanted to rest up for a new job starting on Monday and declined the offer of a bed and room to himself because he thought he might hear the children at five am, ignoring the fact he has all weekend to rest up. He could also have just left to go home after putting them to bed.

I feel like he should have helped in the evening since he was needed. Yes we made it through, no one died but the children got cold leftovers for dinner and i did fall asleep before them so it wasn't ideal, and he had no good reason not to help.

Aibu for thinking he should've helped out?

He's calling me a parasite now for being upset he didn't help.

I’m pretty sure the 28% saying YABU have assumed he’s not their Dad!

Or maybe they think the OP is BU in general for this set-up, living separately from her fiance who is the father of her two DC. Logistically it doesn't make sense if he's only 25mins away. Logistically it would make sense to live together so he can parent his children. Financially there's something fishy about it all. Overall he sounds like a useless sod and OP is BU for getting back with him.

You can't marry someone if living together didn't work out! Why would you want to do that??

He won't parent his own children when you need help, he won't sleep in the same house as his kids and he called you a parasite for expecting a bit of help when you're ill! Why are you with him?? He sounds horrible!

You don't live together as it didn't work out previously but now you're getting married?! Make it
make sense. Op leave him.

He sounds awful

It will never work. I hate ti be crude but a pile of shit that you stepped in years ago is still a pile of shit.

Dump him snd try to work on yourself and your self esteem.

he called you a parasite??? He is the father of your children and things helping with them is optional? Boy, bye!

@Overcover he had early starts and often late finishes and lived next door to his workplace and was often on call. Wasn't just about the finances, which we finally managed to stabilise. But as I've mentioned we were willing to disrupt this for the sake of doing the 'proper family' thing.

He refused because he wanted to rest up for a new job starting on Monday and declined the offer of a bed and room to himself because he thought he might hear the children at five am, ignoring the fact he has all weekend to rest up. He could also have just left to go home after putting them to bed.

Fucking hell! Are you sure you want to marry him?

If this is the new improved changed him, what the hell was he like before?

Also if you are in a relationship why is he paying maintenance. And on what basis is he paying that? How much childcare is he supposed to do

Oh bullshit on the housing situation. He has two children with you! He should have been “on call” for them and living in the same house so he could parent them.

The housing situation is hugely relevant. You must see that it’s an unusual set-up. Whilst he’s got another property, he’s always got an ‘out’ of family life.

I have to say if I had a little pad of my own, I would be sorely tempted to fuck off for an early night when my DH is ill and the kids are playing up. ‘Cheerio then! Good luck with it all!’

It’s never going to work while he’s allowed to just pop off home. It’s laughable. I wouldn’t put up with this in a million years. He’s just part time in family life.

Op, he will never do the ‘proper family thing’.

Of course he should’ve helped in the evening. He is just as responsible for those children as you are! Its pretty shocking for him to call you a parasite. I would seriously not marry this man- if this is the new improved version of him, he hasn’t come very far.

Why does he need to rest up for a new job? Is he some kind of brain surgeon?

hope you are feeling better

A very odd set up for a fiance, with whom you do not currently live because it didn't work out when you tried, and is the father of your children. Still I suppose that is your business.

Yes he should have returned to look after the children in the evening, he has the weekend to prepare for his new job on Monday.

He doesn't sound up to much, frankly.

I hope things improve when you marry.

He called you a parasite, OP.

I was staggered to read that he is actually your children's father.

What are you teaching them about what's ok in relationships? I don't expect him to teach them anything other than 'shocking example not to be followed'.

Aren’t you embarrassed by your situation OP?

Embarrassed that you have two DC with a man who is so feckless and useless that he he won’t look after his children?

a man so selfish and self absorbed that he won’t prioritise his sick fiancé?

a man so unpleasant that he calls you a parasite?

earnestly, what is the question here? Leave him

This man calls you a parasite because you ask him to parent his own kids when you are ill?! Don't marry him, OP. He's not worth it.

Op why didn't living together previously work out?

I had early starts and late finishes when I was a community midwife.

I was also on call overnight and frequently had to go to a woman in labour. I sometimes didn't return for 24 hours.

My husband "looked after" our four children at all times. That's what parents do. Even parents who work shifts, or whose wives and husbands work shifts.

Is this the life you want for yourself?

He lives separately and behaves as a hands-off father.

He gives you maintenance and presumably leaves you to shoulder the bigger part of the cost of bringing up his children.

It hasn't worked out before.

He lives where he does because its next door to work where he's sometimes on call. He's starting a new job on Monday so presumably the location is no longer next door.

THIS!

OP - so you're the full time parent while he gets to pick and choose when he spends time with his family but otherwise leads the single life? Jesus Christ, I've heard it all now. Is he contributing financially too? Actually, doesn't matter, he's the parasite, get rid!

Otherwise known as benefit fraud

It's not, if he is genuinely living elsewhere. It is odd though.

Jesus Christ, I've heard it all now. Is he contributing financially too?

Apparently he pays maintenance.

To a woman who he's meant to be marrying.