Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH making fun of me for being “thick”

164 replies

IneffableCat · 13/09/2024 09:56

DS thinks it’s hilarious. I’ll try to be brief - DH around a year ago made up a name for me, it’s a made up word to represent a “stupid” person. He used this word and mimicked my voice to act out what I do every day, added a “mentally challenged” sounding laugh for good measure. DS found it hilarious. I initially tried to laugh along and be a “good sport” however this continued for days and I had to tell him to stop.

He did stop but now DS (teen) is fixated (he’s on the spectrum) on the made up insult and calls me it from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to sleep. He comes up to me and whispers it in my ear and does the “stupid” sounding laugh incessantly.

Last night I begged him to stop (told him it wasn’t appropriate to call me that) he was sarcastic in his response saying “aww, is little Mammy upset? Is she going to cry?” Etc.

I snapped at my husband then - told him this was all his fault and I was sick of hearing that stupid f?!ing word and stupid laugh. I really lost it. 😔

DH blamed DS for causing trouble and stirring but basically took no responsibility for having initially made up the insult.

For context - I am also on the spectrum, my processing times are slower than neurotypicals but I am not thick. I have been called “thick” in other environments in my life which my husband knows I’m sensitive about.

DH text saying that he’s sorry that DS keeps saying that word but I can’t keep blaming him.

OP posts:
rainydaysaway · 13/09/2024 09:58

This is 100% your husband’s fault. What a prick. He needs to tell your son to stop and they both have to treat you with respect. I’m sorry you have to live with this.

Bavariamaria · 13/09/2024 09:58

Honestly, I would divorce him. He sounds like a pig. And I would read the riot act to DS. ND or not that is not acceptable behaviour - you wouldn't do that to someone else, would you?

Changeiscomingthisyear · 13/09/2024 09:58

It’s a horrible thing to do. But for a year you’ve told them it’s fine. I think this has been caused by a lack of communication.

rainydaysaway · 13/09/2024 09:59

And if he or anyone does something like this again don’t laugh along with it - you’re worth way more than this.

OrwellianTimes · 13/09/2024 09:59

Does your husband have redeeming qualities? I’d genuinely leave over this.

Gassylady · 13/09/2024 10:00

I’m not sure how you can get your son to stop but I would be seriously thinking about whether or not I want to stay married to such a man.

ABirdsEyeView · 13/09/2024 10:01

So knowing you've had other people call you thick because of your neurodiversity, your husband considered it okay to make this cheap joke at your expense? He's a prick and you deserve better.

Whatifitallgoesright · 13/09/2024 10:02

I think that 'thick' people are unable to cook, clean, wash clothes, give lifts, help with homework etc. I'd start with that.

Nothanks17 · 13/09/2024 10:02

As a neurodiverse person, there is a fine line between

-laughing with you about the traits or finding them endeering/cute/ something to admire with love that you are a bit different

-belittling the traits that you have already experienced prejudice against /laughing at your expense when you are not part of the joke

Its often its never meant to be like this and never purposeful just can become a habit, he loves you, he probably hasn't really how hurtful it is and isn't taking responsbility cause he has has to see the fruits of his horrible labour via your DS and probably feels shame

IneffableCat · 13/09/2024 10:04

Changeiscomingthisyear · 13/09/2024 09:58

It’s a horrible thing to do. But for a year you’ve told them it’s fine. I think this has been caused by a lack of communication.

No, I’ve always told my DS that calling me that is not okay. I’ve tried correcting him, giving him warnings, ignoring and even giving him “banter” back but nothing seems to work. DS says that DH continues to call me it when I’m not around which DH denies.

OP posts:
IneffableCat · 13/09/2024 10:05

Whatifitallgoesright · 13/09/2024 10:02

I think that 'thick' people are unable to cook, clean, wash clothes, give lifts, help with homework etc. I'd start with that.

Yes! Good idea 😂

OP posts:
duckydoo234 · 13/09/2024 10:08

He thinks it's funny because he's better than you because he's a man. He's taught your son to be that way too. Ha ha ha, this stupid women is so funny. All women are stupid and funny. Ha ha ha. Men are so much better than women, why on earth is the stupid women annoyed that we think she's stupid? Ha ha ha.

And then when you leave, it's all your fault, because you're so stupid.

BanksysSprayCan · 13/09/2024 10:09

Your husband and yourself must present a United front to your son. The joke is finished and should not have been a thing in the first place. Any further infringements will punished by xyz.

If your husband won’t apologise profusely and step into line, divorce him.

BlastedPimples · 13/09/2024 10:11

What nasty, bullying people you live with, op.

I would look to bin the h and really deliver some kind of punishment for your ds. Do you pay for his phone? Do you cook for him? Do nothing for him until he stops bullying you.

SBHon · 13/09/2024 10:12

Dont laugh along or ‘banter’ back, it gives mixed messages that it’s acceptable.

I agree with @BanksysSprayCan that you need to be clear together that the ‘joke’ isn’t a joke and is over.

Whalewatching · 13/09/2024 10:14

What a nasty shit your husband is. Get really fucking angry with both of them. This stops now. It’s bullying. Point this out to them. Ask them how it feels to be bullying their wife and mother. God my blood is boiling on your behalf.

Catza · 13/09/2024 10:14

So you and your son have a disability and your husband still thought it was appropriate to make a joke like that? That's a non-starter for me. If your son says that husband continues to say these things behand your back, I would be inclined to believe him.

YellowphantGrey · 13/09/2024 10:15

Your Husband and your son both sound horrendous. They are coming across as bullying mysoginistics. Your Husband genuinely doesn't believe he is in the wrong or what he has done is wrong.

This would be something I'd end my marriage over.

Maybe point out to your Husband that thanks to him, this is how your son is going to treat any future female partner or female friends, with utter contempt but disguise it as "having fun"

Blobblobblob · 13/09/2024 10:16

This is so cruel. Your husband has taught your son to bully you. Tecahing him that women are there to be mocked and belittled. That is going to be absolutely catastrophic for your sons future life and relationships.

Imagine, in ten years time, if he took that attitude at work with a female colleague? Or a girlfriend?

Please take an immediate hard line and stop all forms of domestic service for them. Everything.

And do not resume until they show genuine contrition and understanding.

I suspect that your husband may be a lost cause, your son hopefully can fix his attitude.

Feelingleftoutagain · 13/09/2024 10:16

Nd here too! Yes it does take a few minutes to process, my hubby used to take the micky out of me when I started menopause and couldn't remember the name of things such as I called the cooker the thing that makes cold things hot as I couldn't remember name! He then realised how much it upset me as him and my sons would laugh, he then turned it into a game where he would do something similar so it became something we all did! Maybe do it back to your son when he does something silly? He will either start doing it to hubby as well or he might say I don't like this, then you can explain how much it hurts you, meaning it will help stop it as you can say well remember how much it hurt you when I did it to you. Hope this helps

blahblahblah24 · 13/09/2024 10:16

Your husband and your son are nasty bullies. Let them wallow together. I would leave them both (depending on how old your DS is)? Your husband has set a disgusting example.

BeMintBee · 13/09/2024 10:17

I’d go nuclear at your DS now (and I do have a child on the spectrum) tell him it stops today and if not all privileges will stop until it does. He doesn’t need to understand or agree why it’s hurtful he just needs to know there will be serious consequences if it continues. No warnings or reasoning from you in future you just come down on him like a ton of bricks if he does it again.

As for your DH this is something I would consider leaving him over. I’m certain he is continuing behind your back and he is fully responsible for this starting and slowing your DS to continue. You have to show your DS that his father is very much in the wrong too.

Spenditlikebeckham · 13/09/2024 10:17

Change the WiFi password and tell both of them you are too thick to remember it.

DoloresHargreeves · 13/09/2024 10:18

Am I right in thinking that you posted about this some months ago? If so, very sorry to hear that you're still putting up with this shit.

There has to be very firm consequences for both DS and DH. I'd give one more chance to explain calmly to DS why mocking people and calling them nasty names isn't acceptable. Then I'd enforce strict consequences - whatever you normally do, take away phones, loss of devices, whatever. I'd also probably divorce your husband. How can you be with someone who hates you so much?

Acornsoup · 13/09/2024 10:18

I think you need some space from both of them if you can? Might help them both get some perspective. Bullying by finding someone's trigger and then using it against them is abusive. Your DH sounds like a horrible man. Unfortunately he is setting a terrible example to your DC.