DH making fun of me for being “thick”

[IneffableCat]

DS thinks it’s hilarious. I’ll try to be brief - DH around a year ago made up a name for me, it’s a made up word to represent a “stupid” person. He used this word and mimicked my voice to act out what I do every day, added a “mentally challenged” sounding laugh for good measure. DS found it hilarious. I initially tried to laugh along and be a “good sport” however this continued for days and I had to tell him to stop.

He did stop but now DS (teen) is fixated (he’s on the spectrum) on the made up insult and calls me it from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to sleep. He comes up to me and whispers it in my ear and does the “stupid” sounding laugh incessantly.

Last night I begged him to stop (told him it wasn’t appropriate to call me that) he was sarcastic in his response saying “aww, is little Mammy upset? Is she going to cry?” Etc.

I snapped at my husband then - told him this was all his fault and I was sick of hearing that stupid f?!ing word and stupid laugh. I really lost it. 😔

DH blamed DS for causing trouble and stirring but basically took no responsibility for having initially made up the insult.

For context - I am also on the spectrum, my processing times are slower than neurotypicals but I am not thick. I have been called “thick” in other environments in my life which my husband knows I’m sensitive about.

DH text saying that he’s sorry that DS keeps saying that word but I can’t keep blaming him.

Last night I begged him to stop (told him it wasn’t appropriate to call me that) he was sarcastic in his response saying “aww, is little Mammy upset? Is she going to cry?” Etc.

I sincerely hope no one is going to excuse this because your son is ND.

Your husband and your son are behaving disgracefully. I would calmly introduce some consequences for your son and I would not let your husband off the hook either. Your son is copying his dad's behaviour, if your husband wasn't such a disrespectful arsehole your son would not say the things he does.

Love this one.

I think your husband was trying to provoke you into doing all the legwork for the divorce. He also wants you to know he can't be trusted around your son, so he wants you to take all the childcare responsibilities. It's time to make a plan for what you want.

Your DH is a prick. How has he allowed this to go on for so long?

A miracle.

Your husband should be your best friend (or at least one of them), your biggest champion in life, but your husband sounds like your school bully.

You can keep blaming him until he accepts that he created it so he needs to kill it off. What's his plan for dealing with this?

Have you considered a divorce OP?

You're being bullied in your own home by the people who are supposed to love you the most. This is so cruel 💐

It was unacceptable the first time they said it. Your husband is a bully, and has encouraged your son to bully you too.
this is abusive.
and whilst you might have been clearer that it was unacceptable a year ago,

no one actually needs to be told that calling someone stupid and making unkind sounds is an unkind thing to do.

who can you talk to assist you in leaving this man?

DS if 'on the spectrum' (terrible phrase, find another. What's his diagnosis?) will not be lying. We only lie if we really have to. Or for a particular game. Usually, almost always, we are very honest.

That is bollocks and stereotypical claptrap. Some people with an asd diagnosis are just as capable of lying, bullying and manipulation as some people who don't have an asd diagnosis.
Some people with or without any kind of diagnosis are very honest.

I agree. It made me sad enough when I heard my really good friend made fun of by her dd and dh. She laughed along with it, but I thought that it was really unfair what they were saying about her (basic saying she was stupider than an animal). If they were constantly like that towards her I would say something.
I like what @Whatifitallgoesright suggested😉

I would class this as a passive aggressive / bullying behaviour.

Ex started doing this, before he moved onto much worse behaviour, I would leave or get him to.
Make sure you have full support.
Get someone else to be there too

What consequences are there for your DS when he calls you this?

As while he is on the spectrum that doesn't mean that he can't teach him that bully and mocking someone in this way is ok.
especially not when he will be going out int to the word and interact with others.

I actually think this is a genius idea! Literally OP, sit them both down, tell them it’s an insult, its not funny, it won’t be tolerated, as a result “I realise ‘insult word’ means I can’t do anything around the house for either of you any more, therefore I will not be cooking, changing beds, making pack lunches, etc for either of you”. AND STICK TO IT!! Guaranteed the name calling and laughing will stop. If they ask what’s tea, will you change my bed, or whatever task you usually do for them, “I’m sorry I can’t, as I said earlier, I am unable to do that now” - but don’t say the word they call you again.

Bullies.
Every time they used this I'd say you are bullying me. Simple, followed by fuck off.

My then husband did similar to me. He would try and ridicule me for my lack of knowledge of some obscure whatever not many people will have heard of and took great offence when I could answer a question on University Challenge that he sat mutely at.

He too was very believable with his lies. I'd believe your son over your husband about whether he's still calling you that behind your back @IneffableCat . He obviously has a fragile ego that needs bigging up by trying to make you look 'less' than him. But you are not.

I'm sorry you're going through this

ETA: Please don't beg your son to do anything, you are his mother, his sarcastic response shows how much respect he has for you, begging him is only going to give him more power. Take that power back 💪

DH is saying he is sorry, but what is he doing about it? Or is he just throwing his hands in the air and saying "well you can't blame me for DS's actions". He should also be parenting his child and letting him know that he was wrong, it not acceptable, what consequences there will be if DS does it again and carrying through with them.
DD is also ND and has fixations, obsessive habits but would be able to understand that saying X hurts my feelings if I told her. And that doing it would mean losing tablet time or other things she enjoys. It's hard to know without knowing your DS but would he understand this, would punishing be enough to break the cycle/habit/obsession.

In all seriousness can you move out for a few days and leave them to it? I think (I’ll probably get flamed for this) that for neurodiverse people doing something very obvious and hard hitting is really the only thing that works. Can you go to stay with family, or to an Airbnb. You’re essentially being bullied/ discriminated against in your own home and it’s not on.

Make DH speak to DC and say that under no circumstances will you be returning to the house until they both agree to treat you with respect.

And next time nip it in the bud, if your son is neurodiverse it’s so important that your DH models appropriate behaviour. If either your DH or your DC tried this in the workplace or with a stranger it could be really serious and your DC in particular want necessarily be able to code his behaviour, or realise when a joke has gone too far, in the way that others might.

No ‘we’ don’t only lie if we really have to 🤨. You may only lie if you really have to. Stop with the stereotypical idiocy.

How old is your son? Both my teenage godsons are autistic and they would not act like this. Don't let him hide his vile bullying behaviour behind his autism. As my godsons' mum always says 'being autistic doesn't give you an excuse to be a dick' There is probably no point trying to change your husband's behaviours, but your son needs to learn how unacceptable his behaviour is before he turns into an obnoxious adult.

Other than that, I agree with the previous poster who suggest you just down tools until they show you some respect.

What an absolute cunt your H is.

He is nasty, unkind and disrespectful.

Your son is also a massive twat and it IS your husband's fault.

I would honestly leave him because this won't be the only example op.

"DS says that DH continues to call me it when I’m not around which DH denies."

I believe your son.

Your husband has no respect for you and he's training your son to have no respect for you.

A deep form of misogyny, writ large, designed to make you "less-than" and keep you in your place.

I hope they will rethink their position once you've packed your bags.

So stereotypical 🙄
ND people are not always exactly the same you know. You might not lie unless it’s a game, others will. Please stop