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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH making fun of me for being “thick”

164 replies

IneffableCat · 13/09/2024 09:56

DS thinks it’s hilarious. I’ll try to be brief - DH around a year ago made up a name for me, it’s a made up word to represent a “stupid” person. He used this word and mimicked my voice to act out what I do every day, added a “mentally challenged” sounding laugh for good measure. DS found it hilarious. I initially tried to laugh along and be a “good sport” however this continued for days and I had to tell him to stop.

He did stop but now DS (teen) is fixated (he’s on the spectrum) on the made up insult and calls me it from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to sleep. He comes up to me and whispers it in my ear and does the “stupid” sounding laugh incessantly.

Last night I begged him to stop (told him it wasn’t appropriate to call me that) he was sarcastic in his response saying “aww, is little Mammy upset? Is she going to cry?” Etc.

I snapped at my husband then - told him this was all his fault and I was sick of hearing that stupid f?!ing word and stupid laugh. I really lost it. 😔

DH blamed DS for causing trouble and stirring but basically took no responsibility for having initially made up the insult.

For context - I am also on the spectrum, my processing times are slower than neurotypicals but I am not thick. I have been called “thick” in other environments in my life which my husband knows I’m sensitive about.

DH text saying that he’s sorry that DS keeps saying that word but I can’t keep blaming him.

OP posts:
IneffableCat · 13/09/2024 11:10

Thanks for all your replies. I agree with them all, it really does feel like I’m being bullied in my own home. I will try immediate consequences for DS when he calls me that. He’s a gamer/loves his phone so having that taken away will have the most impact.

Those who asked how DH behaves in other aspects - what I have mentioned here is just the tip of the iceberg. It’s not actually one of the worst things he’s said or done to me.

DH is a STBEX - I am getting everything organised and plan to leave eventually. I have been in contact with Women’s Aid and am putting together a plan to safely leave DH. I did feel like just walking out last night but this isn’t feasible and I would look like the unreasonable one.

Just waiting for a property to go through and I’ll be gone thankfully.

OP posts:
Acornsoup · 13/09/2024 11:14

That sounds very sensible OP. Good luck with it all.

BanksysSprayCan · 13/09/2024 11:14

We done @IneffableCat - you can do this 💐

Aboutyoutalksettings · 13/09/2024 11:14

I’m so glad to see your update that you are planning to leave. This is 100% your DH bullying you and teaching your DS to do the same. Your DS thinks this is normal as your DH refers to you this way when you’re not there.

Imperrysmum · 13/09/2024 11:15

blahblahblah24 · 13/09/2024 10:16

Your husband and your son are nasty bullies. Let them wallow together. I would leave them both (depending on how old your DS is)? Your husband has set a disgusting example.

Edited

Honestly this^ id move abroad to a lovely villa in spain and fill the house with cats and dogs.

PaininthePreferbial · 13/09/2024 11:15

I'm so pleased to read your update @IneffableCat , very good luck to you and we're here if you need to talk Flowers

MumonabikeE5 · 13/09/2024 11:17

I don’t know if you will be able to follow through with punishments for your son whilst you remain with your husband.

I find it hard enough to follow consequences through when my husband isnt in agreement. so suspect your husband will use your pushback as a way to ridicule you further.

GingerPirate · 13/09/2024 11:24

Your husband is a piece of 💩.
Sorry.
So many of these men ....

Gervhill · 13/09/2024 11:24

Spenditlikebeckham · 13/09/2024 10:17

Change the WiFi password and tell both of them you are too thick to remember it.

This! And I would not be doing SHIT for these people until they stop and properly apologise. Your husband needs to be making sure your son stops insulting you, it’s his responsibility. Honestly I would be moving out temporarily at least.

ManhattanPopcorn · 13/09/2024 11:25

Walk out the door.

Over40Overdating · 13/09/2024 11:25

So glad to read you are leaving @IneffableCat but I’m sorry to say your son is a horror. His behaviour is so calculated and insidious that it doesn’t feel like it’s because he’s on the spectrum but because he gets a thrill from bullying you. The whispering in your ear and delighting in your distress is more aligned with psychopathy than ASD.

As a teenager he will know right from wrong and is taking your STBX’s lead on seeing you as beneath him.

In your shoes I’d leave them together and see how that pans out. Bullies always turn on each other when the object of their bullying is removed.

wrongthinker · 13/09/2024 11:25

Can you just move out and leave them to it, OP? Maybe while you're getting your divorce sorted?

Sparklywhiteteeth · 13/09/2024 11:29

IneffableCat · 13/09/2024 11:10

Thanks for all your replies. I agree with them all, it really does feel like I’m being bullied in my own home. I will try immediate consequences for DS when he calls me that. He’s a gamer/loves his phone so having that taken away will have the most impact.

Those who asked how DH behaves in other aspects - what I have mentioned here is just the tip of the iceberg. It’s not actually one of the worst things he’s said or done to me.

DH is a STBEX - I am getting everything organised and plan to leave eventually. I have been in contact with Women’s Aid and am putting together a plan to safely leave DH. I did feel like just walking out last night but this isn’t feasible and I would look like the unreasonable one.

Just waiting for a property to go through and I’ll be gone thankfully.

I’m not surprised there is no way someone who abuses you to your face and behind your back is limiting it to thid one thing.

however I don’t see how you’d look unreasonable to have walked out, and your plan to leave you say on one hand eventually then say as soon as property, they seem contradictory statements, and I’m not sure if you’re about to leave genuinely why thay didn’t come up in your op/

MugPlate · 13/09/2024 11:29

Bullying for a reaction. Remove the reaction.
But do you really want to be with someone who is teaching your son to treat future partners so poorly?

Pictures50 · 13/09/2024 11:29

Thank god you are leaving.
You are being bullied and abused.

I know your son is on the spectrum but you need to go nuclear to enforce your boundary or I honestly would suggest you leave him with his father.

Do you really want to take him with you?
Because I am not sure I would.

It may be un PC, but no one, not even a mother should put up with this.

Completely down tools with your son, do nothing for him and take his technology away.
He'll get the message soon enough.

Please warn the police that you are fleeing domestic abuse.

Abusive husbands often report their wives missing when they flee to make things awkward.

I am so sorry that things are so hard.

StopStartStop · 13/09/2024 11:30

Surprise50 · 13/09/2024 11:00

No ‘we’ don’t only lie if we really have to 🤨. You may only lie if you really have to. Stop with the stereotypical idiocy.

🙄

GreatBigCat · 13/09/2024 11:31

Surprise50 · 13/09/2024 10:55

I actually think this is a genius idea! Literally OP, sit them both down, tell them it’s an insult, its not funny, it won’t be tolerated, as a result “I realise ‘insult word’ means I can’t do anything around the house for either of you any more, therefore I will not be cooking, changing beds, making pack lunches, etc for either of you”. AND STICK TO IT!! Guaranteed the name calling and laughing will stop. If they ask what’s tea, will you change my bed, or whatever task you usually do for them, “I’m sorry I can’t, as I said earlier, I am unable to do that now” - but don’t say the word they call you again.

It shouldn’t have to go this far. What sort of family is it if you can’t simply talk and listen to each other.

Saschka · 13/09/2024 11:33

Last night I begged him to stop (told him it wasn’t appropriate to call me that) he was sarcastic in his response saying “aww, is little Mammy upset? Is she going to cry?” Etc

This is absolutely vile, vicious behaviour from your son. I would be absolutely disgusted and ashamed of my child if he spoke to anyone like that, but his own mother? Despicable. I’m so sorry OP, but I’d be considering cutting DS off as well as DH when you leave. Let the pair of them be cunts to each other.

Fraaahnces · 13/09/2024 11:36

I think you need to talk with DS about ablist/disablist language and bullying. If he has autism he may have experienced being bullied for being “different”, and ask him to explain why he thinks it’s okay to do this to you, and what that kind of behaviour makes him. I would probably show him some YouTube videos of some similar examples of verbally abusive domestic violence examples and show him that his behaviour is not just unacceptable but also illegal.

SmileyHappyPeopleInTheSun · 13/09/2024 11:36

DH is a STBEX - I am getting everything organised and plan to leave eventually. I have been in contact with Women’s Aid and am putting together a plan to safely leave DH. I did feel like just walking out last night but this isn’t feasible and I would look like the unreasonable one.

I was going to suggest texting back I can and I do - but frankly I'd avoid conflict with him further -maybe just avoid him as much as possible even at home- and keep your eyes on the prize of leaving.

I will try immediate consequences for DS when he calls me that. He’s a gamer/loves his phone so having that taken away will have the most impact.

Worth a go - he need to learn it is unacceptable. Hope it works for you.

Surprise50 · 13/09/2024 11:37

StopStartStop · 13/09/2024 11:30

🙄

Not sure why the rolly eyes .. I’m not the only one to say your comment is stereotypical and wrong.

Birdahoy · 13/09/2024 11:37

Neither of them respect you. That needs to change.

Surprise50 · 13/09/2024 11:38

GreatBigCat · 13/09/2024 11:31

It shouldn’t have to go this far. What sort of family is it if you can’t simply talk and listen to each other.

No I agree, it shouldn’t have to go this far, but if things aren’t sorted after a year of this, then it’s surely time to try a different approach.

WinkyTinky · 13/09/2024 11:38

Well done for making your plans to get away, OP. Hopefully this will be a massive kick up the arse for your son and you can both start again free of this abusive bully.

Renamed · 13/09/2024 11:39

Your husband needs a good kick in the balls, I expect there’s a queue

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